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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely devastated after seeing my husband's web history?

200 replies

Katebling · 27/06/2025 18:47

I’m not even sure where to begin. I feel sick writing this.

Earlier this week, I had a gut feeling something wasn’t right. My husband has been distant, more secretive with his phone and laptop, and just… off. I wish I hadn't looked, but I did. I checked his web history, and what I found has turned my world upside down.

There were multiple visits to escort sites, forums discussing prostitutes, and even searches like “how much does it cost to see a prostitute in London ”. Some of these weren’t from months ago — some were very recent. I confronted him, and after initially denying it, he admitted to seeing prostitutes. More than once.

We’ve been together for years. I never thought I’d be in this situation. I feel betrayed, ashamed, and angry beyond words. He says it “didn’t mean anything” and he “just wanted something different” — as if that somehow makes it better.

I haven’t told anyone in real life yet. I’m humiliated. We have kids, a house, a life — and now I don’t know what to do. Part of me wants to scream and kick him out, and part of me is frozen in shock. He says he wants to work through it. I’m not sure I can or even want to.

So… AIBU to think this is an unforgivable betrayal? Has anyone else been through something like this? What did you do?

Please be kind. I’m really struggling.

OP posts:
Ladamesansmerci · 27/06/2025 19:29

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. You're obviously not being unreasonable, and I think you already know that the only answer is to separate.

Also I'd personally go to a sexual health clinic to be on the safe side.

KurtShirty · 27/06/2025 19:30

It’s not your shame sweetheart

whynotwhatknot · 27/06/2025 19:32

he didnt confess though he got caught -he would have just carried on wouldnt he

YesHonestly · 27/06/2025 19:33

Of course he wants to work it out. It benefits him, doesn’t it?

He wasn’t sorry when you didn’t know.

I couldn’t move past this.

viques · 27/06/2025 19:34

Re the trainers collection in bin bags.

That’s kind of you. I think I would be taking one of each pair to the dump.

Bobandbear · 27/06/2025 19:34

I’m so sorry. There are many things that I think can be worked through with the right mindset including infidelity but for me this would be absolutely unforgivable. Please don’t feel any shame, none of this is your fault.

DrowningInSyrup · 27/06/2025 19:35

I couldn't cope with this at all, imagining him with young, possibly sex trafficked women. He is awful and he won't stop, however strongly he asserts that he will. For your own sanity end it and please don't feel any shame, that should be his alone.

Christwosheds · 27/06/2025 19:36

AlertCat · 27/06/2025 18:54

I’m so sorry. That he sees women as commodities to be chosen and paid for would be an insurmountable obstacle for me- worse, really, than him being unfaithful.

I agree with this. I don’t know if I could forgive an affair, but I might try, depending on the circumstances. I could never forgive buying women like this. A man who wants sex with women who don’t want sex with him is deep down a rapist who hates women. No man who sees women as fully human, who loves and respects women, pays prostituted women for sex.

thestudio · 27/06/2025 19:39

AlertCat · 27/06/2025 18:54

I’m so sorry. That he sees women as commodities to be chosen and paid for would be an insurmountable obstacle for me- worse, really, than him being unfaithful.

Absolutely this. I might be able to move past infidelity, but I couldn't move past the fundamental misogyny.

Sassybooklover · 27/06/2025 19:40

Meeting up and having sex with prostitutes, is probably towards, if not the bottom of the 'low pile'. I don't suppose it entered his head that the women he's meeting could have been trafficked to the UK and they could be forced to have sex with clients against their will. By having sex with them, he's condoning the situation they are in, and adding to the business of selling sex. You have no idea if he's been using protection, so please get yourself checked. Even if he said he did, considering the lies he's already told, I wouldn't believe a word he said. His excuses for using prostitutes are lame. No doubt he's likely to have used money meant for the family too. An affair is one thing, and if there were emotions involved you can at least understand the human aspect of it. This though, no, there's literally no excuses or reasons that make using prostitutes acceptable. Unfortunately, I suspect he's been a regular user of prostitutes for a long time but it may be he's started using them more, recently. I can't tell you what to do, all I can tell you is what I'd do, and that's end the relationship. The moment you 'work things out', is the moment he knows he can get away with anything in the relationship, with little to no consequences - he will merely continue.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/06/2025 19:42

The foot fetish he could have told you about but the much younger woman is just plain wrong. Keep throwing his stuff out @Katebling it's good therapy

orangewasp · 27/06/2025 19:44

This woukd be worse than an affair for me - paying for access to women's bodies is disgusting and I wouldn't want to be with a man with such low morals and would divorce.
Sorry you're going through this OP, you don't deserve it.

Glindala · 27/06/2025 19:45

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. Please don't feel shame. You haven't done anything wrong. I've not been in your situation, but I have been the child in it. My DM took back my DF after he did the same thing. Please leave for your own sake and your children's. He will do the same thing again and, I don't know how old your children are, but the longer you leave it the more likely they will know and be impacted by his behaviour and by you choosing to stay.

NattyFox · 27/06/2025 19:46

It would be unforgivable for me but please be kind to yourself, you don't have to have everything sorted out anytime soon. You're still in shock.
Please tell your mum or a best friend, you don't have to tell the world maybe just a close trusted person.

Petitchat · 27/06/2025 19:47

So sorry to hear this OP.
I sincerely hope you can eventually get over this horrible nightmare Flowers

NadjaofAntipaxos · 27/06/2025 19:48

Christwosheds · 27/06/2025 19:36

I agree with this. I don’t know if I could forgive an affair, but I might try, depending on the circumstances. I could never forgive buying women like this. A man who wants sex with women who don’t want sex with him is deep down a rapist who hates women. No man who sees women as fully human, who loves and respects women, pays prostituted women for sex.

Show quote history

I agree sadly. He is a piece of shit. Can you imagine having sex with someone you know doesn't want to have sex with you but has to pretend to like it for money. While your lovely wife and children are at home.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. It's his shame, never yours.

JifNtGif · 27/06/2025 19:48

Katebling · 27/06/2025 18:55

Currently looking at where I can get a walk in appointment or if I can get a home test kit. Probably going for a kit as I would be ashamed going to a clinic

No best to go to a sexual health clinic. Google places near (or far if you want) from you and you can drop in easily without a fuss

Bikergran · 27/06/2025 19:49

Katebling · 27/06/2025 18:55

Currently looking at where I can get a walk in appointment or if I can get a home test kit. Probably going for a kit as I would be ashamed going to a clinic

Please don't be embarrassed to go, the staff at the clinics are so kind and helpful, and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. Look after yourself. Sending hugs.

SultanOfSwing · 27/06/2025 19:50

I voted “you are not being unreasonable” not because I know how I would react, but because any way that you react - either by instinct or choice - is not unreasonable.

You will not be unreasonable if you throw him out and move on. You will also not be unreasonable if you forgive him and move on.

Importantly, you will also not be unreasonable if you try to forgive him and move on and a few months down the line find you cannot. Or even if you take him back and then find he disgusts you and you have to throw him out after all.

What I am saying is, you don’t have to hold yourself to any standard here. You have a right to any emotion you are feeling. You don’t need to be consistent

Whatever else is true he has broken his promises to you and you are the one who has been deeply hurt. Everything for now is about you and how best you can recover and heal.

I agree that you need someone in real life - your mother, sister, or friend. Whoever can help you sort out your own feelings.

Laura95167 · 27/06/2025 19:52

Honestly if it were me id be thinking about who I could trust in my circle that would support me regardless of my decision to talk it out. You need help from people who love you.

Then if you love him and/or aren't ready to make a decision I would tell him his only chance to save the marriage is to agree to stop fucking other people and come to counselling. Id then use the counselling session to help me decide if there was anything to save. You can leave him today (and no one would blame you) or you could stay today and leave tomorrow or next week or next month.. you dont owe him an answer. You owe yourself time to process this and make the best choice for you. Good luck

MedievalNun · 27/06/2025 19:52

Bloody hell you poor thing.

As others have said, you have a couple of things you really, really need to do:

  1. get yourself to a sexual health clinic. I know you said you wanted to home test, but the clinics can prescribe meds if (god forbid) you actually have caught something; they usually also offer counselling around the various tests and what happens if you have something.

  2. Move him either into a separate room or with his parents BUT make sure you can still access accounts etc and that if you have a shared mortgage that he continues to pay it.

  3. Decide what you want to do next. For me, porn is ok but paying for it? DH wouldn’t need to drive the 8 miles to his parents, I’d have flung him out so hard he’d have landed on their doorstep. But only you know what you can deal with. Counselling may help you deal with all the emotional fallout.

  4. Don’t cover for him. If his parents ask why you’ve flung him onto their doorstep, tell them. Not least because if he has certain STD s they can be passed on through towels etc.

I really, really, feel for you. Sending a huge hug.

MyCyanReader · 27/06/2025 19:53

I'd struggle with any forgiveness here.

I find the whole prostitute thing repulsive. Even if I could forgive I'd never want him to touch me again.

For now I'd want him to move out and to have some space.

Definitely prioritise the std test!

yawnnnnnn · 27/06/2025 19:53

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Changetheguardsboots · 27/06/2025 19:53

I think the only positive you can take is that he's admitted to it. I couldn't get past it personally. Sorry this has happened and good luck with what u decide to do next

Samwilliams5 · 27/06/2025 19:54

Oh bless you....

  1. First of all I would ask him to move out for a few months whilst you get yourself together. Tell him that you are not sure if the marriage is over and that he needs to give you as much time as required to figure out what YOU want to do.
  2. Make sure that you can access your bank accounts and that he cannot withdraw all the funds etc. You must protect yourself financially whether you make a go of the marriage or not.
  3. If your children are of the age where you can explain that Mum and Dad are just having some time apart, great but if they are younger maybe say that Dad is working away for a while and they will only see him on weekends or whatever.
  4. Go and get yourself tested asap, if only to stop yourself worrying about any diseases.
  5. Confide in a trusted friend or family member if you can, problems are always eased when they are shared.
  6. YOU take all the time in the world to figure out what you want to do and IF that is to make the marriage work then he has to agree to your terms (whether that be counselling, being open with his phone/laptop and bank payments and where he stays if he works away etc - it would have to be on your terms for you to even begin to start trusting him again)
  7. If you decide that you want a divorce, hold your head high and remember none of this is your fault.
  8. I have been through something similar with a man many years ago, when he was away he was visiting sex clubs and prostitutes.. ~I forgave him the first time and he went to sex addiction counselling as he begged me to forgive him.. but a few months later I asked him to leave as the trust had gone. Everytime his phone pinged or email on laptop or he was away with work or out with friends.. I was on edge and felt sick wondering what he was up to.. Thankfully I had the strength to walk away but it was hard.
  9. Remember you have to decide what it right for you and you alone x

Wish we could give you a hug x