WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.

I voted you are being unreasonable for this. I would think my DH was an asshole to go, because he wouldn't have even considered it - but you have said you are pretty sure yours is autistic and lacks empathy. Saying, 'it's up to you' is open to interpretation, particularly with people who struggle with subtleties or sarcasm. You basically said it was ok to go if he wanted to - and he did want to. So he went.

I think you need to rethink your communication with your DH if you want the marriage to survive. A firm, 'No - you are not going to be able to go to the festival. DD is in hospital and you'll need to be available' would have been much better I think. You need to be very clear and unambiguous with him.

Seriously he's just a selfish cunt...

I cant think of anything that would justify going to a festival with a mate on the off chance... When my child is in hospital....

And yes maybe you should have been clearer in commicating with him that no it's not appropriate... But for F F S he's an adult human being why is he even asking?..if Dh had said that to me think my expression would have said it all... And the words u fucking joking ?? May have been all i said... Seriously feel for you and your dd with that lack of support from him..(and your other dc as well)

You probably haven't got the headspace now.. but if you have i would probably txt him not to come back as you have too much on to handle his lack of support

Or just park it and sort later ..look after yourself as well as your dd

I don't think YABU but....you did say that it was ok to go and he is on the spectrum.

On the other hand he's a selfish arse and you should have treated him like the brat that he is and told him no ( and yes, I know you shouldn't have to).

I thought that. It’s a very outdated and offensive view.

Anyway, if he has gone, he is a selfish, uncaring prick. I wouldn’t stay with a man who could do this. How the fuck could he possibly have a good time knowing his daughter is going through this? Not to mention he should be supporting you too.

I hope your daughter is ok. 💐

I'm not seeking to blame you as my second point is that I think you have become immune to his ways, lacking in emotional support that you don't look to him for that element of your life. So much so that you don't look for it as the looking is itself stressful and any success is short lived.

This is so true, thank you. I have tried to just accept this is who he is and concentrate on his good points but it just leaves me thinking “wtf”? Sometimes.

Like one example (of many) of why things led to us nearly splitting was things like me having to go into hospital for an op under general anaesthetic, then afterwards when they said someone needed to pick me up and I rang him he said he was too busy and to get a taxi.

I had to pretend he was waiting outside for me and couldn’t find a parking space.

His excuse is always that he’s extremely busy and important and he can’t just drop things like other men.

But you don’t forget things like that.

Also dd has had loads of appointments this last few weeks and the other day I ask him if he could take her to her therapy session just this once as I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all and was going to meet a friend for coffee - he said no of course, he’s too busy.

But now has found the time to go to Glastonbury taking away two working days (maybe Monday too, I don’t know).

So your DD is teetering on the brink of a refeeding admission, which is a very vulnerable position, and if it happens would actually make her one of the physically sickest children on the ward, and he’s fucked off to Glastonbury without even having tickets? How bloody selfish and idiotic. Though yes, he will blame you for not being clearer that “Of course you can’t go you utter idiot!” I would rather venture that this will be the final straw the gives you the total ick and yet he’ll never understand it.

What's his pretty and his gone?

It's absolutely shitty of him. My autistic husband would be automatically cancelling plans and trying to figure out how best to support all of us.

"Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that?"
I think gender is missing the point. Maybe it's "just" him being awful or too literal (the latter is a real stretch for me) but could it also be the sort of fuck you selfishness that can happen when the relationship is really on the ropes? He is showing massive lack of care and respect for you and your daughter.

You also need to take responsibility for the words you use and shouldn’t say one thing but mean another.

You said “go if you want…” whilst expecting him NOT to go.

“Go if you want” means exactly that. He wanted to go, and so he has gone. (You also knew he wanted to go so can’t really be all that surprised).

If you’d said “no, you can’t go..” and he went, that’s completely different.

YABU to now be annoyed that you told him to go if he wanted to and he has.

Call me a sceptic but I don’t think his story stands up at all.
Why is he so desperate to go without guaranteed entry. It’s leaving everything a bit too open. Doesn’t have a ticket but must get away from the family at this exact time despite ill child. I don’t know why but i suspect it is but a cover story for sneaking off to see an affair partner or similar. Crazier things have happened. Keep your eyes and ears open.

This. I’ve been waiting to see if someone says this before I post it

most of us would be stressed and worried about a child in hospital with worrying symptoms as result of ED, with known mental health issues

The sick in stomach, worrying if you’re not there with her all the time, the “where did we go worng” (even though you know there was probably nothing you could have done) , the “I just want to close my eyes wake up and all this to go away”…

If you can, instead, think about what a great time you’re going to have with your mate at Glastonbury, there is something seriously wrong about your bonding to your daughter, and the 16 year old, whose welfare whilst you’re juggling hospital admission of one child, appears to have not featured at all.

And all of that ignores how he feels about his wife. He’s not thought about someone needing to take over to give mum a break, who’s going do household chores like get meals, shopping, cleaning, check 16 year old done his homework or just not blown up the house etc etc

yep, she is right to point out to him it was his choice to go. You cannot stop any other adult doing something they act to do , so this is entirely on him. Those saying she shouldn’t have given him a choice? It isn’t her decison what he chooses, and after 20 years as parent he should have learnt that what he wants and what he needs to do are two entirely different things. Autistic traces or not. Why the hell did he even ask her to consent?

Not crying doesn’t mean a thing, I have hardly ever cried it doesn’t mean people aren’t upset. His behaviour is out of order though, It’s the boiling frog isn’t it, the slow grind down and letting behaviour escalate that’s shit.

‘ Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So, each is inevitably disappointed. ~ Albert Einstein.

As true today as ever, children become the focus and men are often just not as bothered
’

"I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go."

He literally asked you and took you at your word. You need to stop sending mixed messages and being passive aggressive. Say what you mean to. You're still playing games not messaging him.

Why would you not tell him how scared you are and that no, you need him here if that's how you felt?

You know your daughter's condition means she's likely going to be in and out of the hospital and this is going to be the norm for some time. Why didn't you tell him that instead of it's up to you?

You guys either need to sit down and have some frank communication or split up.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging he left you to fend for yourself after a GA? Now this?! He is completely selfish and has no respect. You have been conditioned to expect less. See a solicitor as soon as you can, this is not what marriage should look like!

Well it’s not rocket science to see how your poor child has got issues with a father like that.
Divorce papers would be filed online this weekend for that. Inexcusable.

LTB
What a prick
Your DD is on the verge of being seriously ill and he fucks off on a jolly?
No, get rid.

For those saying she told him he can go... What do you expect her to tell him? Saying he can't go is controlling. She said he could go if he wanted to and it's on his conscience..that is not a clear and enthusiastic yes!

To play devil advocate

You say you believe he is autistic (so logical thinker with social interpretation struggles) but you chose to go with sarcasm (saying something expecting him to know you mean the opposite) when you know he struggles with that concept?

Just seems like it would obviously end up like this, you literally TOLD him to go (weather you thought it sounded 'jokey' or not) even when he said 'should I not go'.

There is zero chance of him scaling the fence this year. It was on the news yesterday…they’ve built a new one and it’s HUGE! Plus, if anyone is caught trying to get in without a ticket (by whichever method they think they can!) there are now serious consequences: https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/inside-glastonburys-horrifying-jail-fence-35442834.amp

Hopefully he won’t be able to get in…..it’s not as easy as it used to be, you can’t just blag your way in or jump the gate 🤣.

I must say il be rather amused if this happens and he has to drive all the way back🤣🤣🤣

Knowing him he’ll find some other alternative though - he wont want to come home a failure. I think he has some kind of view of himself as an ex-party animal and is the type to go on about past exploits. When I roll my eyes at hearing the same old stories he insinuates I’m jealous or trying to belittle him: no mate, I just find it really cringey and sad and the dc’s and I have heard the stories 100 times.

Theres nothing worse than a 50-something man trying to convince people he’s still down with the kids. I had a pretty crazy youth too but don’t even talk about it bc I know it’s not that interesting to anyone else.

You're absolutely right. Not crying doesn't mean anything, it's not a personality fault.

”Just you”—yes, just the little woman. She doesn’t need anyone to bring her food or clothing or spell her so she can shower or sleep in her own bed.

God the internalized misogyny of women here is jaw dropping. We see it here on the endless “dh wants to go on a stag do” or “out to tge pub” threads. G-d forbid a nan ever have to compromise his wants for the woman’s needs.

Really? Can the OPs husband honestly not be expected to work out that he shouldn’t be going to Glastonbury when his daughter is hospitalised for an ED?
why is it incumbent on the OP to explain what is blatantly obvious?
If this needs spelling out I give up really 🤷‍♀️

Just picking up on one of your comments. You say you don't want him to see you as a 'nag' / it plays into his expectations of you but who does this benefit?

If he's set you up with this misogynist trope as the 'nagging wife's who wins? He does! He gets to get away with whatever as you're worried about being considered a 'nag'.

I don't think you're a nag - you expect decency and for your partner to value you and your family.

I am honestly appalled for you at your husband's behaviour and no, if a mum did this she'd be crucified.

Forget all the 'well you did say yes'. No he should never have asked. It's basic respect and care for your family.

Such a helpful response. Not.