WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

@Hopetheportaloosareminging op he is selfish and you need to leave him . You deserve better.
He is showing you who matters and it’s him .
This update tells exactly who he is . Leaving while your Dd is unwell is just the icing really.

I can’t believe he never called or txt .

Also is he really away to meet a “friend “ at a concert with no ticket ?

He is not a child. He is adult with free will. She can’t stop him

he knows this. As we all do in a marriage . he asked her simply to try to delegate his responsisiblty for his own decison.

he wanted approval and consent so he didn’t have to choose himself whether to go and be perceived by wife and kids as baddy for deserting them , or to avoid feeling guilty, or the other choice of not going and being pissed off he missed out on his fun

Not. wife’s choice. This was not an issue of hers in first place. This is his daughters situation only. Really he should have had the balls to ask his daughter if she mind him pissing off and having fun when she is feeling as she is.

stop expecting women to mother their partners and make their decisions for them.

You're not being unreasonable to be upset that he's gone BUT you should have made it very clear when he asked that of course he shouldn't go when his daughter is going through such a difficult time and he needs to stay home and be there to support her, and you. You basically gave him permission to go, which was foolish.

It wasn’t foolish. It sounds like it was a rather desperate avoidance of conflict.

Yes this, he should never have put the decision onto OP. He should not force OP to be the ‘bad guy’ by saying no. It is really shocking to me that people don’t see this, I generally lack social skills and it’s clear even to me.

He should never have asked! It was clear that the right thing to do was to stay at home.

But why on earth is it’s OP’s responsibility to give permission or not? Honestly, this is infuriating. He is a grown man with children and responsibilities. He absolutely should have figured this out himself (in light of the fact the right thing to do is blindingly obvious).
He was on a guilt trip. Op was damned either way.

He won't get in without a ticket.

However, you tell us he has autistic traits, so when he asked you about going and you said 'it's up to you', how the heck did you think he would react? As far as he was concerned, with his autistic thinking, you openly said he could choose!

he wont want to come home a failure

He's already an utter failure to his child. Would you not rather be happy and enjoy life?

He’s a dickhead and I hope he doesn’t get in.

my H did this to me - went on a jolly when I was seriously ill and left DS with me (he was 8). H asked me if he should stay but unluckily I was so ill I couldn’t t speak and because I didn’t say yes he went off quite happily without a care in the world. Ty hat was the day it ended for me. We still live in the same house but that was it.

later he then did it to his mother (went on a jolly right away after she had a stroke). At some level that made me feel better as it’s clearly not personal - he’s a selfish git and that’s it.

no real advice op but agree with looking for support elsewhere. I have 2 really good friends (both single mums) and they’ve been brilliant at various times and I support them too.

Why did he need to be told? Why is his wife responsible for making a grown man, father of three, aware that you don't fuck off on a jolly when your child is in hospital?

Anyway, he did know. That's why he said "I can't go now, can I?" To guilt trip everyone, rather than just not going, like a decent husband and father.

LOL!

Sorry but the issue is more why is he asking her if he can go? He's not a child. He doesn't need a permission slip.

Don’t make excuses for this hopeless father. His behaviour is shameful.

I think he is being ridiculous going without a ticket. Unless he has been lying about it and secretly bought one.
If he had already secured a ticket then I don't think it would be unreasonable for him to have gone. It sounds like sadly DD has had frequent hospital trips/appointments and maybe this is becoming normalised and life has to go on. Your other children are older so it's not like he must be there.
I do however think that he does sound selfish from the additional points you have said about him always being busy when it comes to family (like who doesn't pick up their partner from hospital after an anaesthetic).
If you believe he truly is autistic and what to continue in this relationship I think you need to give very specific instructions and set reminders ' no you cannot go to Glastonbury. You do not have a ticket and I need you to do xyz while DD is in hospital and I look after her'
'i need you to book this date off work to take DD to counselling. You need to pick her up from school at this time'.

Exactly. And he does understand sarcasm etc. He hasn’t gone bc I said “whatever it’s up to you”, he’s gone bc he wants to and I didn’t explicitly say “don’t go”. If I’d said don’t go I’d be getting punished now with martyrdom of how “he missed Glasto bc he’s so great he does as his wife tells him”. He’d be watching it on tv and saying “oh look, I could’ve been there”! I can’t be doing with it so I left it as his call.

I’d be livid. This would be a deal breaker. I wouldn’t contact him and I’d pack a bag for when he got home. Enough is enough. What a way to rest your wife and kids. It’s deplorable.

First post and its the wifes fault that the man is a twat? yeah right.

Hope your DD is ok over the weekend. Regardless if anything else it is disgraceful that he thinks it’s to just go off when his child is seriously ill. I think it’s time to end this relationship OP.

Wow - first response win "stupid crown" --->> 👸

Woman blaming at it finest

OP I don't want to be a baying horde crying LTB, but FWIW if you were to split over this, it would send a really powerful message to your daughter that she matters to you. Your default thinking might be that we can't upset her while she is so ill - such a tightrope with ED - but she might find it very validating and something of a relief.

We have been through a lot of trauma processing with our teen (different arena) and an adult really standing up and saying "it's not OK that he did this to you" is huge.

Kick the useless, selfish bastard to the kerb and don't look back.

Best wishes to you and your DD.

If you know he is autistic and he is asking you for advice on a specific thing, even having come up with the answer (I can't go now can I?), why don't you just confirm that no, he can't, instead of setting him up to fail by given an ambiguous answer?

Yes, it's frustrating that he didn't get it, and his autism is not on you, but for the sake of your daughter and or yourself you could have helped him pass that test instead of making him more confused because you believe it shouldn't be hard for him.

His selfishness is nothing to do with whether he is or isn’t autistic, he is just a selfish gobshite.

I don't think you can easily just stroll your way into Glastonbury these days, this isn't the 80s. if he'd actually bought a tickets months ago, and spent the several hundred pounds/whatever it is, then the situation might be a bit different. But to stroll off on spec, with DD in hospital is surely not on.

“Just you”—yes, just the little woman. She doesn’t need anyone to bring her food or clothing or spell her so she can shower or sleep in her own bed.

Mmm, I was thinking this as I was driving home earlier. Wouldn’t it be nice if Dh had sorted dinner and tidied up? Last night when I rang him on my way went home to get dd’s stuff it was like “what are we doing for dinner”? I said “go to the chippy” and he said (as I knew he would) “I don’t want chippy” ffs. Fucking sort something out yourself can’t you?