WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

A complete narcissist you mean? The post just below yours nails it.

Yes with this grandiose sense of self I'm wondering if this reads more like some sort of mania or narcissism than autism. Not that any of us can or should try to diagnose.

I hope you are your daughter are doing OK, OP. I agree with you, the whole thing hangs to together a lot better if he'd already bought the ticket and was lying about it. But what a completely bizarre thing to lie about, especially in the circumstances. Serious main character complex, that I'm sure impacts on all the rest of you. Your son sounds lovely.

Nah I have both and I'm niether of those things

How are things @Hopetheportaloosareminging ?

I also meant to add that his photos and the whole Glastonbury thing are to “Show” an image of him as a hip and happening cool guy instead of the reality - the empty shell of a man that he is. Just like his family is there to tick a box and project an image he feels he needs to portray too. He’s not part of anything really…. He’s empty and dead inside. As disconnected to what’s happening around him at Glastonbury as he is to his lovely wife and daughter.

She didn't say go with my blessing. She said I can't stop you ... if your conscience allows you.

Even if he took that as "permission" it's pretty likely he's lied for months about this and had a ticket rather than risk being caught breaking in, which the festival have clamped down on.

Whatever she said about going /not going... he still knew his daughter was ill enough to be hospitalised and that there was another teen left home alone whilst the mum was running between hospital and home. He knew those facts.

But he, the man described as holding down an important job, has not factored in his sick daughter at all. That is not a lack of "empathy". That's a selfish decision not to bother about anyone else. Ignoring facts that don't fit in with his wishes. It's pretty weak whining "Oh but you said i could go, (ie, its all your fault, nothing to do with me. I've got a good excuse so don't even bother telling me how difficult it was when I was away) As if its still not his problem and he has no need to apologise, because it was all the wife's fault for saying he could go.

Even if she'd said outright. No! Don't go He would have found another excuse to go. He probably would have admitted having a costly ticket. I imagine faced with this crap show, its better of the unwilling person goes, rather than unhelpfully sulking and complaining that they are missing out and adding to the burden.

Especially if he is autistic and sees things in black and white, like OP says he does. Still hard to believe he'd want to though, with his daughter so unwell

@Hopetheportaloosareminging

any updates on how your DD is doing? i hope she's alright, i know how damaging & traumatic EDs can be not just for those who experience them, but their loved ones too x

and much less importantly, any updates on where the fuck your 'D'H is?

It's not a lack of empathy, it's you saying 'yes you can go' when you don't actually mean 'yes you can go'. This is why autistic people often struggle so much, because people say one thing and expect them to know that they mean the complete other. How is he to know you'd prefer it if he sat at home 'just in case' as he couldn't possibly know that the routine appointment was going to turn into something more.

OP didn’t say “yes you can go”, she told him to go if he wanted. And wanting to go in these circumstances is an issue and what shows the lack of empathy (there’s also the issue of him even asking the question). It wasn’t a routine appointment. It was a hospital ward review for a patient who has been in and out with an escalating eating disorder. Eating disorders are life threatening and his DD is in a worrying position.

How’s it been since he has returned?

Has he returned with his tail between his legs yet?

Not necessarily
I've done lots of voluntary work because my empathy & compassion, have always drawn me to helping others & I'm on the autistic spectrum myself too
We can't make sweeping statements, one size doesn't fit all & it's narrow minded to believe in stereo types
💚

I think we need to give OP some space. She’s got a seriously ill teenage daughter and a selfish, delusional, manipulative, bastard of a husband to deal with. She doesn’t need to cope with us squabbling over the imaginary MH diagnosis of some bloke we have never met like a flock of bloody seagulls fighting over a packet of crisps. This is her very real life, not the latest resurrection of Neighbours or East Enders. She doesn’t owe us entertainment. Get back to your
own world.

I was following the thread from the beginning - just hoping you're okay OP, and that your daughter is doing a bit better, at least. It must be a long road - I hope things are starting to look up.

No need to reply, just wanted to say that. 💐