WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

Late to the thread and I'm sure this has been said but no way did he jump the fence. He 100% had a ticket. My brother jumped the fence 2 years ago and it was a military operation - they were in secret telegram groups and had special folding lightweight ladders and who the fuck knows what else and it took them 8 hours in total to get in. He and his friend are stupid thrill seekers and this was a fun challenge for them, plus they are young (about 30 at the time)
They tried again last year and after a similar length of time trying they got chased off by security and gave up.

ETA and he has a camper van? Well obviously he had a ticket. Blimey, he must think you were born yesterday.

“it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience”

This is not giving your blessing to someone going, especially under the circumstances described,
She clearly says its on your conscience. That's a warning.

He's just demonstrated he doesn't have one.

A teenager may take that as permission but a normal adult would not.
It's effectively saying go if you have to but on your head be it.

I can imagine that the tone you would use saying that would be one of disbelief that they would actually go under the circumstances.

@Hopetheportaloosareminging

Is your useless man-child of a husband back yet? Been half hoping to see an update from you that you've changed the locks & put all his stuff on the doorstep.

Hope you & your daughter are OK.

He’s probably waiting for The Prodigy to come on later tonight.
Turn up tomorrow filthy, smelly and skint trying to bore his DC about his cool adventure…

Not only that, you can't 'just buy tickets, you have to preregister an account, submit passport-like photos, and then hope you can be early enough in the queue to get them before they sell out, usually around an hour after going on sale. Which usually happens at 8am on a Sunday the previous October, so in all likelihood, this was planned a long time ago. Even if he managed to blag a ticket from a friend who say, had a stall there, those tickets are also organised months in advance & also have their names & photos on their tickets. He's a bullshitter.

A little light relief for the OP, I hope.

Not sure it was worth going as this year as the lineup was not the best, not worth getting your ear bent off the missus when you return home.

I've also commented that it's virtually no excuse
I'm also on the autistic spectrum & just couldn't bear, stand or even contemplate choosing a stupid concert or any other activities whatsoever over
My Beloved Children
Not in a million billion trillion years
💔

Rude, aren't you. It's perfectly reasonable for me to give a response without reading every single other one first. You don't have to read it if it bores you.

Is he home?

Has he come back?! Any further updates?

So he's probably autistic and you said 'yes go if you want to'.

Surely you know that if you say 'yes go if you want to' he's not going to be able to work out that you mean 'no of course you shouldn't go because i might need you to bring me something to hospital from home if things happen to go pear shaped even though this is just supposed to be a routine appointment?'

It's not a lack of empathy, it's you saying 'yes you can go' when you don't actually mean 'yes you can go'. This is why autistic people often struggle so much, because people say one thing and expect them to know that they mean the complete other. How is he to know you'd prefer it if he sat at home 'just in case' as he couldn't possibly know that the routine appointment was going to turn into something more.

Why didn't you say to him, 'no I really don't want you to go because I might need you?' or alternatively accept that he rarely goes anywhere and just be ok with him going this once to something?

I really think if you are going to make this work you need to understand the world from his point of view too - it's not all about just him having to change. You need to understand that you need to say what you mean and communicate clearly. He can't change the fact he is autistic and understands the world in a different way from you.

I appreciate this is a really ,really difficult time for you and your poor daughter. But if you can communicate more clearly and not just expect him to do all the changing then it will probably make things a lot easier for all of you.

There are no routine appointments when your child is in and out of hospital dangerously ill

He is not “probably autistic”.

And even if he was, it still doesn’t excuse his behaviour. Multiple autistic people have commented and said they would never do what he’s done.

’Autistic’ is not a euphemism for ‘selfish arsehole’.

Equally, being autistic doesn’t mean someone can’t also be a selfish arsehole.

He’s a selfish arsehole. That’s the problem here.

I would recommend you read all of the OP's posts, I'd be interested to know if it changes your opinion.

Why bother ? Much easier to bang in with an uninformed pejorative comment.
🙄

I did change my mind. The ongoing lack of care or concern or check ins to see how their daughter was doing was the clincher.

Relationships are about give and take. Not the husband having to sacrifice his entire identity.

If his entire identity is tied up with going to Glastonbury without a ticket while his very ill daughter is in hospital then i feel very sorry for him.

YANBU Op. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

I hope that your daughter's health is improving.
You said to your husband " I can't stop you, go if you want". If he's autistic, he might not understand the subtley here. It would have been better when he said " Oh I can't go to the festival now " to have said " No, our daughter is very ill, I need your help and support".

No, a few of us have been saying the same thing.

i suspect most of the people trying to defend the husband are, on the whole, not autistic themselves.

I don’t think “bribing someone to get in to Glasto” is a thing these days. Tickets are for named person only and have your photo on, which they check against your ID on entry. In my case they were particularly thorough as the photo I used for the ticket was a bad one and my driving licence one looks quite different - it was a whole thing explaining this.

Sounds more like he always had a ticket and was always going to go. Which makes him a complete prick, in the circumstances.

Can people please stop saying he is probably autistic.

Nothing the OP has said indicates at all that he meets the criteria within the triad of impairments, experiences significant disability or that any of this has been lifelong.

He's just an arsehole.

The OP said she thinks he might be, and that's excusable because when your partner turns into a fucking selfish prick it's normal to ask yourself why is this happening, and try and find excuses.

This guy is just a self centred, lying, manipulative, uncaring arsehole. That's all there is to it.

OP I’ve only just found this thread, and have read most of it. I just wanted to ask how you and your daughter are doing? Did you asshole of a husband ever start asking after her?

Is he due home today? Good luck with the conversation - don’t let him gaslight you into thinking it was your fault he went! All he thought about was what HE wanted - but as a parent, your wants have to go on the back burner at times. When your child is in hospital that is one of those times.

ironically, if he had bought a ticket already (like you suspect) that might have actually made you more sympathetic to him going so as not to have wasted the money! But maybe he should have compromised and said he’d like to go for 1 day to see his favourite act, and then he could have actually given you a break from hospital duty, from cooking duty, from being the responsible adult….

It’s a thing with autism and ADHD. I’m the same

This man has been living in the house that OP has been maintaining, utterly disconnected from her and the kids she raised, working away on his computer, so completely full of his own self-importance that he was not only able to justify going away to Glasto while his wife was trying to save his kid’s life (again) in hospital as a well-earned break, he shared photos with his kids. This isn’t autism. It’s narcissism. It’s cold, entitled, detached, dismissive, callous and cruel.