WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

If my DH did that our marriage would be over. No one who loves me and our children would fuvk off to a festival (ticket or not) and leave me juggling one child in hospital and one at home. Especially without so much as telling me. How could I ever rely on him to have my back?

I don’t think it’s fair to equate unempathetic and selfish with autistic though - plenty of neurotypical people have those traits and I have autistic family members who are very caring, empathetic and selfless. If you have other reasons to think he’s autistic though then I’d not respond to him in “jokey” ways, I’d straight up tell him that going to a festival in this situation isn’t appropriate.

Was just about to say this

I completely understand how upsetting it is that he has gone and I am so sorry for what you are all going through with your DD being so ill. I do agree with @TheignT that he might have taken what you said as that you really didn’t mind. I think the fact that he rarely does other things and he hasn’t seen this friend for a while probably made him feel he should go. It is strange that he hasn’t just told you. I hope your DD turns a corner soon. ED are so hard.

Very sorry about your DC being so unwell.

Surely this must be the final straw?

Seems like he was shit partner and father, under threat of you leaving him made an effort for a time, but won’t sustain it. Not there for you a lot of the time, including when the chips are down.

But him being at home would make a difference to OP, especially since they have another child at home. If DD does need to go back to hospital, it would be nice for OP to be able to ask him to bring any stuff they need, and to look after their DS.

OP, I do wonder whether he has (deliberately or otherwise) missed the tone when you said that he can still go to Glastonbury if he wants, and Maybe thinks you genuinely meant it? That’s the only thing I can think of that would make his behaviour even vaguely less bad.

You’ve married a child. At best a teen. 👶

Bloody hell. Also - how old is your DS? Because if you had had to stay with DD, and he really has f**d off to Glasto, what was your DS supposed to do?

This is idiocy. I have a friend who works at Glasto every year. They really do come down on those trying to blag or bribe their way in, as there are strict numbers limits, for lots if reasons. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but that there will be consequences if they are caught out - and those could have wider repercussions.

If he has gone, you need to have a real discussion around your life when he comes back. It really doesn’t make him a good father if he’s buggering off on a jolly with one DC really poorly and leaving another to cope while you split your time between home & the hospital.

But he shouldn’t have even asked. What type of parent goes oh my child’s very sick but I’ll just go and try and bounce my way into an event I don’t even have tickets for.

This isn’t work or another relative that’s sick. The question of do you think I should go or not. Should not of even entered his head.

same type of man that helps his wife around the house only if she tells him exactly what to do as his blind to rubbish and washing up.

My H has an empathy gap and/or its default setting is "off." I'm sorry, OP. You have had a tough time recently and if you were with a partner with an ounce of empathy they would obviously have stayed to support you through this tough time, even if they couldn't help your DD directly.

His gone on a hope I can bribe my way in like a teenager not a middle aged man with children and a wife. How very unattractive

Yes, it’s definitely ick-inducing.

Also:
I'd imagine the way people got in though fences 40 years ago has been stopped now.

I said this when he mentioned going last week - he went in the 90’s and seems to think he’ll be able to crawl in under a fence if they can’t bribe someone. I think he’s deluded.

You told him go if you want

You shouldn't have said something you didn't mean

I don’t think people can get into Glasto without tickets these days, so if he has gone I’m sure he will be home sooner than you think.
And yes, he’s a massive bellend.

Is your son old enough to look after himself if you stay in hospital with your daughter, op?
I think yanbu either way, but just wondering how bad your husband actually is?

Jesus..I would find this unforgivable. I find myself wondering how much grief he gives you if you're honest about his shitty behaviour though? I mean, why, why, why did you say he could go to Glastonbury and make a joke? I'd have been fuming that he even asked and made it clear I was.

Your expectations of him must be on the floor. He clearly doesn't give a shit about either of you.

good fathers do a lot to parent and help DC experiencing health issues.

He's running away, checking out of family life and can't face up to the reality of whats happening in his family.

Cunty man child.

I wouldn't bother ringing him with any more updates.

And I couldn't bear living with someone as useless as him, I'd get rid and carry on life as a single parent.

You gave him permission to make a choice. A choice that comes with a consequence. The consequence is now you are totally sure he is a selfish and emotionally stunted person capable of doing vast emotional damage to those around him without a second thought. What are you going to do with that information OP? Only you can decide, and I wish you the best of luck.

I guess I expected him to act like a normal human being and not go bc he felt too guilty.

It wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to go in these circs - even if I’d paid for a ticket.

First rule of the patriarchy - men’s bad behaviour is always women’s responsibility.

🤷‍♀️

He sounds like a complete twat.

I mean .let's imagine for one minute a woman doing this with a child in this state ...unimaginable

You telling him he could go if he wants to shouldn't be an issue because he shouldn't want to go when his DD is so unwell. He should want to be close at hand in case she has to go back to hospital. He should want to be at home sharing the practical and emotional load with you.

He's selfish, immature and uncaring to want to go out to play instead of being a supportive husband and father. He'll never change so your choice is whether you can stay in this marriage as it is or whether you'd be happier without him.

Yes, you’re absolutely right. Dd is extremely sensitive to other people’s moods etc. I guess I wondered if dh is the selfish kind of autistic where he’s so hyper focussed on himself he forgets everything else.

He left a teenage child alone to go to Glastonbury without a ticket?

You told someone who is very 'black and white' as you say due to being autistic to 'go if they want to'. Of course he went; he wanted to go.

That said, I would struggle to get past his sheer self-absorption and arsehole-ness when your young daughter is in and out of hospital with a serious issue right now and he's dumped all of it on you to swan off.