WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

If he is autistic though, saying "you go if you want to" and "I'm not going to stop you" is his justification. Some people genuinely can't read between the lines of actual words vs real meaning and intention. However, if he's just an uncaring arsehole then he will also claim that as his justification.

If he's travelling by car he's in for a shock. I've just looked at the traffic situation on Google maps and the roads (country lanes) are showing as red. If he's travelling by train then he's got a fair walk from the nearest station.
We're in West country and local news shows people every year walking the 10 ish miles from Castle Cary railway station . The station gets rammed.
Just send him a text to say "If you want a divorce you're not creating a good impression ".
I hope your DC is getting the best possible treatment and lots of love from everybody else.

He's just a giant bellend.

I'm sorry your daughter is so unwell, and I'm sending you some virtual strength. Strength I hope you're preserving for looking after yourself and your daughter - not the giant bellend.

Bloody hell. Also - how old is your DS? Because if you had had to stay with DD, and he really has fd off to Glasto, what was your DS supposed to do?

Good point. He’s 16 and we have an older one too who is 20 but he was at his gf’s and has only just come home so dh wouldn’t have known he was here or not. I guess it didn’t really cross his mind did it? 😡

You should not have said go if you want. You should have handed him his arse and tell them it’s completely inappropriate to fuck off for the weekend when your DC is in hospital.

Selfish prick should have known this himself of course without needing to be told but he did ask and you didn’t say no.

Selfish fckr, basically. Don't make excuses for him 👍

Or just the selfish type of man who prioritises himself. Lots of them around, autistic or not.

Your DD has a life threatening condition linked to her mental health and her best chance of recovery is if she has the full support of both parents. Putting aside the logistics, how is it making her feel if her Dad fucks off for a weekend away when shes so unwell? What a dick. At least she has you OP, sending you strength .

But he did and she told him to go.

How hard would it have been to say “no, you’ll miss it this year, now shall we sort out a bag of stuff for DD”

I know if I had said similar to my autistic relative, they’d have taken it literally that they should go.

I honestly dread to think what you've put up with over the course of your marriage to be questioning whether it's reasonable to be 'miffed' about this.

I'm so sad for you and your kids. You are going through something really awful and having to carry the full weight on your own. It really is absolutely unforgivable of him.

I would be surprised if your DD ever forgets that he did this when she was unwell, I certainly wouldn't be able to. I hope he realises he his jeopardising not only his relationship with you but with his daughter as well. Totally unforgivable

My ex-DH was like this- no empathy or understanding, him abandoning me when I was going through a horrendous illness with a member of my immediate family was the final straw. He didn't fuck off to Glastonbury but similar- and the not trying to get in touch/not asking how you are etc all rings bells.

When we split everyone asked if I thought he was autistic. I said I had no idea, but either way he was a bellend who was missing the empathy gene. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

If you think he's autistic, then you should probably avoid saying things like 'you can go if you want' rather than clearly stating your expectations. I have an autistic teen DS. He's very empathetic and caring but takes things very literally and would miss any implication of 'you shouldn't want to go'.

Either way, YANBU to be annoyed. No caring parent would go away for the weekend under these circumstances.

Can I also point out that a man who can go last minute to glasto with no plans and no ticket and put up with all the crowds and chaos shouldn't really be excused anything on the grounds of autism.

I guess im used to him doing what he wants. I don’t want to nag him bc that fulfils his expectation of me and quite honestly im not bothered that he’s not here, im just sad that he thinks it’s ok and that he’s just been pretending to have changed when he really hasn’t.

Last year I just kind of stopped caring any more and wanted to leave him but he talked me round and it all seemed too difficult to actually leave. I just don’t let stuff bother me any more and have become kind of numb bc then I can’t be disappointed.

oh ffs! it can take years for someone to show all their characteristics and the depths of their selfishness. I married a man who turned out to be an utter twat, I did not know he was an utter twat when I met him, I did not know he was an utter twat when I married him and I did not know he was an utter twat when we had a child. Had I been aware of this and indeed had any of my family and friends who all liked him too, been aware of just how nasty he would eventally become, then guess what? I would not have married him.

Ummm depends on your expectations. Every person has their good points and bad points but this is a lot further than that. I don’t think this is okay - your kid is in the hosiptal. But he doesn’t seem bothered, or care, or communicate or just be a dad really. What about your son?

OP this is seriously red flag territory for me.

'if dh is the selfish kind of autistic'

Yikes.

You don't need to blame the man's shit behaviour choices on a condition he's never been diagnosed with. There's no excuse for him.
Your kids will grow up thinking this is the marriage to aspire to.

One of the most selfish things I’ve ever read on here. How could you even enjoy yourself at a festival knowing your daughter is so ill with an eating disorder that she is likely to be hospitalised? I would be frantic.
I don’t think I could be with someone this selfish, OP. Awful. I’m so sorry. Sending lots of love to you and your girl x

He's going to use you saying to go as his excuse, he's going to completely avoid taking responsibility for his own selfishness because of that sentence. I'm not sure I'd be with him after this.

My ex would have done what he did. My new partner refused to go on a trip I told him to go on when my child (not his) was in hospital because he didn't want to be far away while we were struggling with such a stressful situation.

It doesn't matter what you thought he'd do. He mentioned it, you said he could go, instead of saying "of course you can't, not while DD is in and out of hospital". Why do so many of us women do this?

You were expecting someone who may be autistic, to read your mind and know that you didn't really mean what you said. Which was ridiculous of you, because that's exactly what autistic people tend not to be able to do.

I think the 16yo should be fine alone and even sorting out food. My DS just finished GCSEs and has gone to France with 4 friends, no adults.

However, in terms of him giving you and your DD emotional support, this is difficult to forgive. Maybe he thinks he can't or it's not valued or you didn't need it, but you need to tell him that you needed support and you're beyond hurt he wasn't home when you got back. I think I would reiterate the ultimatum from before. I also think he deep down knew because not even leaving a message smacks of guilt to me.

It would probably become a news story. "Selfish mum deserts sick child to party at Glastonbury"

This!!

Sorry I have 'autistic traits' too and I'm baffled at these replies. If you didn't want him to go why did you tell him that he could 'if he wanted'.

Of course he will use it against you. You gave him permission to and he will rightly be confused about why you weren't honest about your feelings.

I agree on one level that he should have known not to go but presumably if you have been doing the lions share of the hospital visits then he may not realise how serious it is especially if you've said it's ok for him to go to a festival.

Stop paying games and say what you mean!!

I'm sorry your DD is so ill - you must be so worried.

A couple of things.
I think in saying to him - it's up to you, go if you want , you have given him the green light. Especially if he is someone who is very black and white in their thinking. I'm not seeking to blame you as my second point is that I think you have become immune to his ways, lacking in emotional support that you don't look to him for that element of your life. So much so that you don't look for it as the looking is itself stressful and any success is short lived.

As usual in these situations - it really comes down to you having to decide if you can live with this type of relationship, especially with a seriously ill child. I personally couldn't. I'm a bit out of touch with treatment protocols for ED, but family therapy used to be a part ? is this still the case ? Would he engage if it was?

If you do decide to stay, I think you will need to change your approach to him in the way, eg being more up front in your expectations of him and from him.