WYB miffed? Dd in hospital and dh fucked off to Glastonbury?

[Hopetheportaloosareminging]

Just that really.

Long story short, dd 12 has been in and out of hospital the last couple of weeks having to have her obs done as a result of an ED that has really accelerated in the last few weeks. It has been extremely stressful and is obviously upsetting. She’s under camhs and they took her readings last week resulting in me having to take her to A&E. She then had a ward review yesterday and her readings were so low they kept her in overnight. I stayed with her.

DH has been mentioning going to Glastonbury for a while to meet up with an old friend who goes every year. They haven’t been able to get tickets but h seems convinced they’ll be able to bribe someone his friend knows and get in 🙄 apparently “loads of people do it”.

I left the house for her appointment yesterday at 12pm (was supposed to just be a routine appointment) and didn’t manage to ring him until about 7pm as there was no signal in the hospital. I thought he’d have been trying to ring me but no, nothing. He has a stressful job (wfh) and I don’t honestly think he’d even given it a thought. He can be very one track minded.

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits) but we nearly split last year after a build up of issues and he’s been like a changed man since. A lot more caring and considerate. I am starting to notice a few of the old behaviours creeping in though.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.
Had a horrible night in the hospital. I’ve had one text from him this morning which I responded to telling him they were still concerned about her blood pressure/heart rate being low and low blood sugar etc and wasn’t sure whether they were keeping her in or not. The dr has now let us come home (he doesnt know this yet - I tried to ring him as we were leaving but he didn’t answer) but we have a nurse coming out at the weekend to check on her and do more obs, so it’s pretty serious. They said if she doesn’t improve over the next couple of weeks it will be another hospital admittance and complete bed rest with a feeding plan which is usually for two weeks.

Anyway, got home and he’s not here - he’s fucked off to Glastonbury!! No message either since the one this morning. No note, he’s just gone and when I asked ds he said “I think he’s gone to Glastonbury” (ds is a typical teenage boy hooked up to his Xbox and probably wouldn’t notice if the house was burning down)!

Im not angry I just think he’s a selfish arse and I’m a bit incredulous really. Can you imagine one of us mum’s doing that? It’s not even like he has a ticket and would lose the money.

Oh, and it’s our anniversary this weekend which I’m guessing he’ll be missing too.

He isn’t a sociable or “going out with the lads” type of person usually - this is a one off to be fair to him. He is a good dad generally, just often seems to be missing some kind of empathy gene. I know he’ll be thinking “it makes no difference whether I’m there or not”. But what if they’d kept her in and I needed him to bring stuff/come and take over for a bit? It’s selfish and unthinking imo.

Anyway, I think I just wanted to get opinions really. Feeling a bit upset and like “no, he hasn’t changed really has he?”

But maybe IABU and it’s not a big deal bc she’s not in imminent danger?

Id be royally fucked off with him and I would divorce him but

He has form for being uncaring and unempathetic (I suspect he’s autistic - he has a lot of traits)

Lacking empathy is a little bit of a stereotype when it comes to autism. We have empathy, but what we struggle with is emotional reciprocity.

This is obviously a generalisation, because there are lots of high support needs autistic people who cannot even comprehend a life outside of themselves due to their development but I can pretty much assure you that if your husband isn't even diagnosed, and has grown up and been able to make friends and get a job and so on then he does have a sense of life outside of himself.

So my note to you would be not to confuse autism with narcissism.

He has shown you time and again that the only person he considers to matter is him.

Is that the sort of male role model you want round for your daughter, the sort that shows her that her crises and emergencies don't matter as much as their trivial wants?

Put this one in the bin and I wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world.

If he is autistic and you told him “go if you want” then he’s likely to take that as ‘it’s ok to go’, you probably should have given him a straight answer and said “no, don’t go, I need you here, dd is very unwell”. I totally get how you feel though, he shouldn’t be going when his dd is in hospital. Hopefully he won’t be able to get in…..it’s not as easy as it used to be, you can’t just blag your way in or jump the gate 🤣.

Just out of interest, does it make any difference if he is actually around? Would he have picked up the slack at home with the boys if you had to stay at the hospital over the weekend ? Would he have usefully covered a night at the hospital in a plastic chair. Generally, is he operating as a single man in your family? If the answer to this is yes, then there is really little point at all in remaining married.

If the answer to this is no, and he does contribute as a husband and father, then my inclination would be to call him up, read the riot act for being a selfish twat and tell him to get his arse home.

I'd also get him tested so he either stops using it as an excuse or you both learn behaviours to manage things like literal interpretations.

I'm so sorry about your daughter. That must be horribly stressful. Wishing her a speedy recovery.

I think if you believe your DH has autistic traits then you should have spelled out that he should stay.
You did tell him to go if he wanted, yes of course it shouldn’t have even entered into his head to go whilst your DD was so poorly but if he’s wired differently then it maybe isn’t obvious to him if she had you on hand to be with her and he physically couldn’t do anything.
My DS is autistic and sometimes comes across as lacking in empathy etc so trying to see how he would have seen it, and he probably would have gone as well.
We as parents are trying to teach him life skills etc now so that he doesn’t do things like this when older, so in situations try and get him to focus on the other person involved and how they might feel and he is learning to be less fixated/ black&white because of this.
Of course your DH may just be totally selfish and thought he’d go off for a jolly, only you know which it is likely to be because you have the full context of his usual behaviour. I wouldn’t have said to go to my DH but he wouldn’t have thought it was a good idea either.
You need to have a conversation with him and be honest, but I guarantee he will bring up the fact that you didn’t say for him to stay.

The bar for what makes a "good Dad" is depressingly low.

I would be extremely pissed off - as I’m sure you are OP .

I hope your DD is OK OP and you too it must be so worrying.

I'm going to watch this thread in the hopes he comes back tonight having failed to get in!

If he'd had tickets I don't think him going would have been so bad but he'd have had to clearly check that was OK with everyone, most importantly your DD to be honest

True

I am gobsmacked at the “well you said he could go!!” Posts! He shouldn’t WANT to fucking go!! How do you care that little about your OWN KID that you fuck off to glasto when she’s seriously ill??
the bar is in fucking hell for these men. I truly honestly despair.

You told him
he could go. You might have been joking but if he’s possibly autistic, he may have taken you literally.

Hmm he was talking about going to Glasonbury for a while & you did technically say he could go.
Would he normally realise that you don't actually mean what you are saying?
Just you mention you think he may be autistic - so does he pick up on sarcasm or is he quite a literal person?

I would be annoyed about the lack of contact re DD and checking in on her. THAT would piss me off. Check in. Simple as.

Of course he will use it against you. You gave him permission to and he will rightly be confused about why you weren't honest about your feelings.

I know,it just gets exhausting having to be the one to try to make him see how a decent person would behave and be like his mother.
I guess I’m always hoping he’s changed.

Came home last night to get some overnight stuff and after asking how it went/how dd was etc he was like “oh, I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?” I said “it’s up to you, I’m not going to stop you - yes go if you want!” I said (in a jokey way) “it’s on your conscience” But quite honestly I thought he wouldn’t go.

If you know he's actually has trouble interpreting what people say isn't what they mean and stuggles to work out want people want - not sure why you'd even jokingly say it's okay to go.

I often have to be clear with family members - as anysarcasm/joking can be missed by them - so clarity of communication - I need you here - is best.

If he's just a selfish arse who knew you'd need him to stay but is deliberately misinterpring that so he gets to do what he wants and fuck the rest of you-well he's a selfish arse and a shit husband and father. If you didn't ask him to stay because he'd sulk - same applies. Plus in both cases it's nothing to do with being ND - it's being selfish arse.

This is very unhealthy. Either educate him (through clear communication) or dump him (because he is an unreedeemable arse.).

Your dh is, for whatever reason, an empathetic and uncaring arsehole. He refuses to “get it” because he wants to do what he wants to do. So what are you going to do about it? Either accept it or fight him to at least minimally perform the tasks associated with being a husband and father and not a pet lizard whose only job is to maintain its own warmth and security or pleasure.

He asked you, implicitly, for permission to go and you “jokingly” responded now you are refusing to text him “get your ass back here and support me.” What are you testing here? You know the answer is that he will a) do what he likes and then b) play the injured innocent and say “but you didn’t tell me exactly how you wanted me to behave.” This is just an incredibly selfish man’s version in the family of the old “men don’t see dirt” argument in cleaning.

“oh I didn’t know that husbands are supposed to care about a wife and child going to the hospital?” Well…pardon me (assumes affronted and bewildered air) who in earth would know that? Must be in a secret book they give women, held in the uterus or something.”

Is that what you are waiting to hear? Because you are going to.

If you think he is educable then educate him. If you think he is a lost cause and you are going to use this as a “last straw” go ahead. Its a trap that you want him to walk into so you can tell him (I would) “It is over you selfish git. It was over when you went to Glastonbury. Our marriage died then but you didn’t notice.”

And she will always remember that he cleared off to try and blag his way into Glastonbury when she was ill rather than be with her. It is not as if he even had tickets bought months ago, he just decided to go on a whim (and probably to escape having to behave like a caring responsible adult), he won't get in as the security is mega tight.

Yep done it a couple of times now. Got rid of both and happily single because it’s just added stress when an stressful event happens

Too be quite frank I am horrified he even asked. What parent contemplates going to a festival when their child is ill. I'm so, so angry on you and your DD's behalf. Hugs to you, DD and DS and two fingered sign to the man-child

Exactly.

No decent father would even consider going in these circumstances. Regardless of whether OP “gave him permission”.

I'd be annoyed but I also wouldn't have told him to go when he said “I’m not going to be able to go to the festival now am I?”

You mention possible autism, but is it a sign of autism to fuck off to a festival when your child is sick in hospital? I'm not expert, but I don't think it is. I think it's just a sign of being a terrible father and a fucking arsehole. I suppose you could be both but tbh the reasons are irrelevant, the point is... his child is in hospital and he's in Glastonbury!

Selfish and emotionally stunted is bang on. Your poor daughter must be really sick, you’ll be focused on her, and who has an eye on your son or helping you? Not Idiot Chops that’s for sure.

A) to just go and B) not to tell you - what a fool. That would be BS behaviour if everyone was on fine form, but ludicrous given the health situation.

Op should t have to be his mum or keeper telling him he cannot go.

As a parent even a black and white one. One child in hospital, a 16 year old at home while mum and sister in hospital I’m needed at home.

He shouldn’t need to be effectively grounded like a child. Also he hasn’t bothered to check in he doesn’t know if op and daughter are still in the hospital, if the adult child has come home or if 16 year old is going to be alone all weekend because he hasn’t spoken to his wife or any children. His just packed his bag like he has zero responsibilities.

Op has three children she doesn’t need to parent her mils child too.

I have one with an ED and a few admissions for up the 6 weeks, so I know the stress. I think it would depend if there are other children. If it's just you, and you can be there for DD, I would let it slide. If there are other children that needs support whilst you are in hospital, then its absolute not ok.

Exactly! Everywhere will be rammed with people who HAVE got tickets. This dickhead hasn’t even got a ticket! Imagine going to all that effort and getting turned away. If it was that easy everyone would do it.

Wow, to me that would
be the end of the marriage. He’s told you exactly what he thinks about his daughter and you. I think this is one of the worst things I’ve read on here