Upset with DM and smoking

[Ontheedgeofit]

So Im angry or annoyed, cant decide which, but definitely upset and I need to know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am being unreasonable.

My DM was a smoker for my whole childhood and until she was about 45. I think she stopped completely but its likely she snuck a cigarette every now and then but I cant be sure. She definitely has stopped completely in the last 5 years. She is in her late 60s.

Her smoking was something which my dad hated and I remember as a child hating being in a car with her and just the general stinky clothes etc. My siblings and I have always been so glad that she has stopped smoking. She is not exactly an athlete but she started walking and got herself relatively fit and healthy in the last few years.

I am not going to profess to saintlihood and will admit that I smoked casually when I lived in London in my early twenties but it didnt last long and I soon realised the health benefits of not smoking completely outweighed any cool factor.

In reccent years (2 or so) our family has suffered 3 seperate instances of cancer. Both my BILs (my sisters husband and my husbands brother) and now my Dad (my mothers husband). My sisters husband survived 6 weeks from diagnosis till death, my BIL is likely to not last the year and my dad is 4 months into a 6 month chemo treatment plan.

My mother is my dads carer and I understand its hard. He is not suffering from the cancer itself but more from the side effects of the treatment and so we are hoping that the doctors prognosis that he will recover completely and be cancer free are true. I am in the local vicinity and we visit and I spend time with them both, so she is not alone.

My sister has arrived to visit my dad (she lives far away) and she has told me that she has discovered my mother has started smoking again. She is doing this in secret by 'going for a drive' and whilst she is visiting friends. I am so annoyed at her. I feel it is disrespectful to my dad who hates it so much and is battling a disease. I obviously dont like it either and Im so upset that she has given in to a habit which is so bad for her at a time where our familys health has become a focal point (eg why would you do something that is so obviously bad for you?).

I havent said anything to her but I know myself, and it will pop out probably as a sarcastic comment at some point.

AIBU for being so upset or is it none of my business?

I think that in this instance, yes, you're being unreasonable.

When people quit smoking - its a battle. And, as with alcoholism you've never really quit - the voice is still there, the addiction is still there, and you need willpower to ignore it and stay away.

Your mother is the carer of a man who has cancer. As somebody who has been in the same position when caring for my mother, that role and the effects of it is one of the hardest things in the world. The fear, the grind, the constant worry and dread in the pit of your stomach, the absolute fatigue, it nearly broke me when i was looking after my mother, i remember driving back from the chemist where id been to collect her meds, switching off the car and just weeping.
It took me a year or so to recover from being her carer (while she was in remission) as coming off the cancer battlefield felt like exactly that.

And you know what? I smoked because it was the only thing that gave me five minutes of peace and a sense of being able to exhale during 20 hour days.

Shes not doing it to be disrespectful, the old addiction is back and its being a crutch. Let her have it. It might not be healthy, you might consider it to be disrespectful, she knows it is, doesnt need you getting involved.

My DM is the exact same.

She's 70 something and smokes "in secret" apart from we all know.

I used to bang on but its pointless and makes her feel like crap. Mentioning it upsets her she feels deep shame.

She has another 10 years or so left so I just let it go.
You can't make her stop just enjoy the time together.

Let her smoke. She could be a raging alki or crack addict, or morbidly obese.

Smoking isn't healthy but starting again at such a late age after years or abstinence isn't that terrible. She's stressed and it gives her comfort. I think elderly people who decide to take a bit of a 'fuck it' attitude are to be admired.

I know you feel its disrespectful and smokers do know they are in danger of illness and possible cancer,but I think as a pp said it.is her 5 minutes of peace, saying something won't make you feel better it won't make your dad feel better either.

My mums a carer for her husband and she "nips to town" to pick up milk or whatever but I suspect she's secretly smoking, what can you do.

This may be projecting and a bit dramatic but I am so upset that none of our recent health calamities has been enough to shake some sense into her.

I feel some kind of anger that I am going to potentially look after someone else in their sickness. What happens now when my dad gets through his treatment? Does the arguing about smoking start again? My dad will smell it and my mother will lie.

The term "you do what you need to to get through" could very much be at play here. She'll be kicking herself, she won't need you to do it for her. I'm currently back on them due to some significant stress in my life. I hate it, but it is a crutch right now, and I will stop again.

Leave her thinking you don't know. I hide it from my son who lives at home, not because he'll judge or have a go at me, but because it restricts the amount I have.

She’s going through a really stressful time so I’d just leave her to it - unless you’ve been a smoker you won’t understand how difficult it is to stop and to stay stopped during times of crisis.

Yse but its other people they are killing as well as themselves.
Thats the selfishness of smokers
There is so much known about the dangers of second hand smoke and passive smoking now that there is no excuse for endangering other peoples health..

I think as much as you don’t like it, she is an adult and has made that choice as said adult. It’s not illegal and as long as she’s not doing it in front of anyone then she isn’t harming anyone but herself, but that is ultimately her decision.

I would try to distance the experience of three relatives having cancer from her actions, it is not her fault that they had to go through that. Unless your dad’s cancer was caused by passive smoke from your mother, you shouldn’t linK tne two.

I remember an elderly neighbour used to walk the long way home by my house having a sneaky cigarette her husband had dementia and I think it was just a stress reliever and a few minutes to herself.

I'd hope she'd smoke outdoors, at least when she's got visitors. Surely walking up and down an A Road/ driving with windows open on a regular basis is worse than smoke that's billowing off into the wind from one cigarette?

Someone asked me the other day what motivates me to eat healthy, exercise and generally look after myself and when I thought about it deep enough it was because I had been witness to so much suffering because other people hadnt looked after themselves. My BIL who is still alive and battling cancer has a much larger battle to face because of his obesity and years of smoking. There is a direct correlation and besides the fact that you are going to need others to look after you in your ill health. And in my mothers case the people who are going to look after you aree the very people who are asking you to not smoke.

Currently, my smoking impacts only me. No one gets second or third hand fumes.

Can pretty much guarantee your mum hates doing it but needs something right now. Such is addiction.

Also, my dad would be so upset if he knew. I think Im mostly upset about that. He really and truly hates it. My parents have a pretty solid marriage but I do know that my mothers very casual attitude to certain things (like finances) has often put significant strain on things. He will be so disappointed.

The chemicals from cigarette smoking cling to your clothes for a long time.

I would be so angry with my mother if I were OP because she put her disgusting habit before consideration of the health and long term effects on her husband and children.

The key word is 'currently' .... Your smoking if it causes any long term health problems will impact others, this being your family if they have to care for you.

So you would begrudge caring for your mum because you deem her unhealthy?

No thats not what I am saying at all. Of course I would care for her. But why would she not think about this given that we have spent the last few years caring for family members in varying stages of health decline when its been such a shit experience?

Please do try to contain the hysteria for a moment.
She's going out for a drive with a cigarette and the window down.
There's more risk of her killing somebody in a traffic accident than there is killing them through second hand cigarette smoke from a passing car.

Both by parents were heavy smokers in the 80s. My DF did successfully pack in for several yrs until he witnessed avery bad industrial accident in the factory and had to give emergency first aid until paramedics arrived. To calm down after the incident he had a cup of tea and one cigarette and it then took him several yrs to give up again.

My DM never gave up. Even when we refused to take all the grandkids to her home, even when DF was on oxygen in the home. Page died in hospital ( not smoking related even though she had smoked heavily for 50+yrs). In hospital she asked my sister if she could go for a cigarette (couldn't, connected to allsorts of equipment) and died 2 days later. I always felt she chose cigarettes over her family and literally thought about it until she died.
It is a proper addiction and I think your DM needs some understanding on how stressful her living conditions currently are including the prospect of losing her DH. Yes she may be smoking again but she is being respectful in not doing this at home etc.
As kids we had exactly the same thoughts of living with smokers but it was much more common in those days, most of my friends smoked, but most did go on to give up but my DM never even tried!

Just to be clear. I am not worried about the effects of her second hand smoke on a 3rd party. I am upset at the nonchalant attitude to her own health given that our experience is first hand and then also she knows how upset my dad would be if he knew.

Because she might be stressed and sad about your dad's health and a sneaky cigarette gives her comfort, a smoker will forever crave cigarettes imo.

Yeah, currently, because I'll stop again. You're not taking on board anything else I've said though. I have no other vices.

Yes, I get it's a worry for you and I understand why. However, please do try and see it from her side too.

Perhaps they've had the opposite effect. That despite not smoking these people have ended up here anyway so it's allowed her the sod it mentality?

Perhaps you could suggest a vape to her. Not ideal but better than smoking and she won't have to hide it the same.

It's her crutch in bad times, like others turn to comfort eating.

I wouldn't like it either but ultimately it's her choice - and only then in part as it's an addiction.

Do we have the same DM 😂

Stories almost identical! It really grates on me that mine smokes, but ultimately I can't do anything about it, she knows the risks. I used to tell her don't call me if you get cancer, but of course I would be there in a heartbeat if she became unwell for any reason, so there's no point issuing empty threats.