Upset with DM and smoking

[Ontheedgeofit]

So Im angry or annoyed, cant decide which, but definitely upset and I need to know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am being unreasonable.

My DM was a smoker for my whole childhood and until she was about 45. I think she stopped completely but its likely she snuck a cigarette every now and then but I cant be sure. She definitely has stopped completely in the last 5 years. She is in her late 60s.

Her smoking was something which my dad hated and I remember as a child hating being in a car with her and just the general stinky clothes etc. My siblings and I have always been so glad that she has stopped smoking. She is not exactly an athlete but she started walking and got herself relatively fit and healthy in the last few years.

I am not going to profess to saintlihood and will admit that I smoked casually when I lived in London in my early twenties but it didnt last long and I soon realised the health benefits of not smoking completely outweighed any cool factor.

In reccent years (2 or so) our family has suffered 3 seperate instances of cancer. Both my BILs (my sisters husband and my husbands brother) and now my Dad (my mothers husband). My sisters husband survived 6 weeks from diagnosis till death, my BIL is likely to not last the year and my dad is 4 months into a 6 month chemo treatment plan.

My mother is my dads carer and I understand its hard. He is not suffering from the cancer itself but more from the side effects of the treatment and so we are hoping that the doctors prognosis that he will recover completely and be cancer free are true. I am in the local vicinity and we visit and I spend time with them both, so she is not alone.

My sister has arrived to visit my dad (she lives far away) and she has told me that she has discovered my mother has started smoking again. She is doing this in secret by 'going for a drive' and whilst she is visiting friends. I am so annoyed at her. I feel it is disrespectful to my dad who hates it so much and is battling a disease. I obviously dont like it either and Im so upset that she has given in to a habit which is so bad for her at a time where our familys health has become a focal point (eg why would you do something that is so obviously bad for you?).

I havent said anything to her but I know myself, and it will pop out probably as a sarcastic comment at some point.

AIBU for being so upset or is it none of my business?

I'm not sure why you feel responsible for your parents relationship but I suspect it's because your dad always brings in the rest of the family into their arguments. I'm sorry to say this but he sounds like a bully. Do you usually agree with his stance or is your mother ever the one you side with?

You’re brave 😂 That is a very touchy MN subject. Apparently obesity is a disease and has little to do with self control and motivation. I guess much like being addicted to smoking is a disease. I don’t know. I just really know that my mum truly knows that her smoking is not good for her and our family is a much happier family when she is not smoking.

Because when I have one, I'm well away from other humans for a good period of time. I go for a walk and and live semi rurally. At home, there's only my oldest, adult son who spends most of his time in his cave upstairs. It's not difficult. Doing it the above way also means that I am restricted in the amount I do smoke.

I wouldn’t say it’s my dad’s fault. I don’t like it when either of my parents gripe about each other. I much prefer it when I can live under the illusion that they are happy and fine. In this way I find sympathy with children of divorce torn between two parents.

Parents truly know that being fat isn't good for them or their families.

But simply knowing something is bad for you, doesn't make it simple to change.

But she had already made the positive change. She had given up for 5 plus years. I guess she gave up for my dad and not for herself which is why she so easily took it up again when he was ‘unavailable’. Makes me so sad. I don’t want to hug a stinky mum.

You’re a grown woman now though OP, your mum shouldn’t have to live her life to appease her moaning griping husband and her adult daughters. She’s human, she’s not perfect, but if she’s going to quit it should be because she wants to not because her family are browbeating her in to it

I'm much happier when I'm not smoking. However, that's generally because life is easier at that point.

I don't condone it. I don't like me doing it, but right now it's a crutch. I'm orally fixated as part of my autism and adhd. Without smoking when I'm stressed, I overeat and hair pluck. They're all forms of self harm. So, whilst I really can understand the op's frustration, I also understand why her mum may smoke.

I know all this I truly do.
I’ve just told my husband about it and simply said to him that it’s not my responsibility. Such brave words. 😂

I feel sorry for your Mum. It sounds like she’s got a huge amount to cope with, including judgement from her own children, and the poor woman is just using the crutch she needs to get through it.

Making her feel guilty just because your dad hates it is unfair. She probably smoked when he married her and he isn’t her boss anyway. She has every right to smoke if she wants to, regardless of any man’s opinion.

Sorry. That’s ridiculous. She shouldn’t just not smoke because my dad hates it. But also because it’s bad for your health and you had already broken the back of the habit. Smoking is foolish and you’d have to be a fool to disagree.

The point about alcohol is that if you are having a glass of wine you might be damaging your body but, unless you are violent and abusive when you are drinking, you are not actively harming other people.

And actually moderate alcohol intake in the company of other people can be viewed as a social activity and there is a benefit to be had from the socialising and interacting with others.

There is nothing remotely social about cigarette smoking. And you are actively harming other people if you smoke in their company.

And will probably need to be cared for in your ill health by family. Moderate alcohol drinking is not likely to lead to this.

Smoking is anti social in every way. It is harmful and that isn’t up for debate.

Ex smokers sometimes do start smoking again in times of extreme stress which is how it must be for your mum seeing as she is caring for your sick father

Good grief OP I really do think you should see a professional about your obsession with this.

It's your Mums life and she can smoke if she wants to whatever issues it may cause. She's an adult and it's entirely up to her.

You are insufferably controlling and judgemental.

Your poor mum.

No, I gave up smoking over 10 years ago.

It's an addictive compulsion.
Yabu.

I used to smoke a bit but my dh and I decided on NYears Eve 1967 to marry in 1968. We told my parents and my dh saud we were both giving up smoking. My parents had worked in pubs for years but dad had bronchitis and in 1976 he died from what was Sdumed to be pneumonia but in fact it was probably something else
Mum was diagnosed with cancer in 86 and I blamed smoking as beung a possible cause. I suffered in smokey atmospheres so became anti smoking as a result. But I do understand its a harder habit to give up than say drinking alcohol as it was acceptable for so long. I was quit amused to see tge No vaping sign in the pub the other day.

This seems to be more about your Dad's reaction and how HE will make it unpleasant for everyone. He will be sad, he will be annoyed, he will be disappointed, he will go on and on about it. Are you all afraid of your Dad's reaction? The house is happier when your Mum is not smoking..in other words your Dad won't kick off?

The fact that it is known to be foolish is irrelevant to how difficult it is to avoid once the addiction has taken hold and life is stressful.

You seem to think that because she quit once her battle is over, but it isn’t like that for everyone. Abstaining can be a daily struggle for life, and become too hard to fight when your life becomes extra difficult.

I truly wasn't being sarcastic, I'm a carer and have therapy for it, I think it would be beneficial for you.

I really sympathise with you. What non smokers don’t realise is that people who smoke, are actually breathing out cigarette smoke for half an hour “after” finishing their cigarette. That is part of what is called passive smoking. Your mother is being immensely selfish, given that there’s been so much illness in your family. It might be hard for her, but surely wanting her husband to be healthy is paramount. You’re definitely not unreasonable.

Thank you.
Ive slept on it and whilst ive realised there is not much I can do about it, i am still upset about it and disappointed.

She's an adult and she's obviously going through a stressful time and as an ex smoker I have also caved in the past and gone back to it at times of stress, she will likely quit again but getting mad at her and expressing your disappointment won't do any good it will just add to her stress making her smoking more likely if anything