Upset with DM and smoking

[Ontheedgeofit]

So Im angry or annoyed, cant decide which, but definitely upset and I need to know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am being unreasonable.

My DM was a smoker for my whole childhood and until she was about 45. I think she stopped completely but its likely she snuck a cigarette every now and then but I cant be sure. She definitely has stopped completely in the last 5 years. She is in her late 60s.

Her smoking was something which my dad hated and I remember as a child hating being in a car with her and just the general stinky clothes etc. My siblings and I have always been so glad that she has stopped smoking. She is not exactly an athlete but she started walking and got herself relatively fit and healthy in the last few years.

I am not going to profess to saintlihood and will admit that I smoked casually when I lived in London in my early twenties but it didnt last long and I soon realised the health benefits of not smoking completely outweighed any cool factor.

In reccent years (2 or so) our family has suffered 3 seperate instances of cancer. Both my BILs (my sisters husband and my husbands brother) and now my Dad (my mothers husband). My sisters husband survived 6 weeks from diagnosis till death, my BIL is likely to not last the year and my dad is 4 months into a 6 month chemo treatment plan.

My mother is my dads carer and I understand its hard. He is not suffering from the cancer itself but more from the side effects of the treatment and so we are hoping that the doctors prognosis that he will recover completely and be cancer free are true. I am in the local vicinity and we visit and I spend time with them both, so she is not alone.

My sister has arrived to visit my dad (she lives far away) and she has told me that she has discovered my mother has started smoking again. She is doing this in secret by 'going for a drive' and whilst she is visiting friends. I am so annoyed at her. I feel it is disrespectful to my dad who hates it so much and is battling a disease. I obviously dont like it either and Im so upset that she has given in to a habit which is so bad for her at a time where our familys health has become a focal point (eg why would you do something that is so obviously bad for you?).

I havent said anything to her but I know myself, and it will pop out probably as a sarcastic comment at some point.

AIBU for being so upset or is it none of my business?

What crusade?

I unashamedly hate smoking. If smokers want to damage their health by smoking then fair enough But I dont think smokers should get treatment on the NHS for smoking related illnesses unless they quit smoking.

I am angry about the fact smokers damage other people. I hate the disgusting mess of cigarette butt's they leave lying around. And the smell and general filth of smoking.

I have no knowledge of OPs Dad's health history or diagnosis. Its not my business. And I'm not medically trained.

But: if I were his wife and I had smoked persistently in their home and in his presence I would be feeling guilty and responsible for his cancer even if is totally unrelated to her smoking.

I do hope your father recovers easily and well. Perhaps you could encourage him to see the sacrifices your mother has made, rather than focus on his mistakes. Surely he isn't so self righteous?
She may well have saved his life if he recovers, doesn't she deserve great praise rather than castigation for a few missteps?

What do you mean she is putting her life on hold? You’ve inferred a lot about my parents marriage from this single slice I have given you.

My mother has been very casual about life. The things my dad has taken seriously like his health and finances for retirement have just blown over my mother like a breeze. My dad has done a lot of the hard work in making sure that they are comfortable now in their retirement.

I really feel the least my mother could have done is not started smoking again. I’ve said this in a previous post that I feel like the disrespect has arisen out of doing something my dad disagrees with whilst he is down and incapacitated. But I think you would have to know a little bit more about my mother to understand that and I fully get that is impossible for posters here to know (I’ll have to figure out where this feeling comes from). I probably won’t be able to act on it but it’s useful to reflect. Like I said, often the thing is about all the other things.

Many factors cause cancer. What good will it do to encourage this train of thought. The poor woman is trying to look after him. We do not know what has gone on in their lives, or why OP's mother has continued to smoke/relapsed.

As I said, compassion for all of them would help.

I love the "What crusade?" preface.
Fucking spectacular 😂

Whatever she's done, she's taking care of him now.

This is so sad.

People get so unhinged about certain subjects that they lose all rationality and humanity.

Indeed.

She is not taking care of him alone. I am providing a fair amount of support.

And even so. The caring is not physical caring. He is suffering the side effects of his treatment. He is not physically incapacitated and is mobile and able to pretty much get on with his day. He is tired, nauseous and a bit grumpy.

She does not have to bath him, feed him etc.

This does not mean that it’s not hard on her but her life has not changed much in the physical sense. The days are the same except she now gets more time of her own (which she griped about my dad retiring and being at her side all the time) because my dad is just too tired to get out and about like he used to.

It's often that the health issues of others is what starts it again. That 5 mins of her time to just breath (scuse the pun). Not be a carer or mum or wife or sister.

In the grand scale of things she could be an alcoholic which I'd say was far worse given it impairs the ability to drive etc. Just like children I'd say pick your battles. This isn't a sword I'd personally die on.

My Dad smoked since I was born. Early on in our lives my sister and I would spend entire journeys in the car breathing in the smoke. My mum would light up for him while he drove. He smoked in the house all day and a final one in bed before lights out. Although the dangers became more and more widely known he always disputed the facts and told us what rubbish they were. Later in life he cut down, switched to cigars and was allowed only to smoke outside in the garage. He took three long awful years to die of COPD and heart failure. At he end he would tell us how scared he was. He couldn't breathe without oxygen. My mum had no life at all for those years, she hated to go out and leave him, he didn't like anyone but immediate family around. My sister and I took it in turns to stay every other weekend to give her some support (we both lived several hours away). Both of us were facing employment and health challenges of our own at that time. I have no idea how any of us got through those years, it is all a complete blur to me now. My mum now has lung problems of her own despite never having smoked and is on constant inhalers and medication. Walking more than 50 yards results in her gasping for breath. If I ever get a cold it immediately becomes a chest infection and my sister is the same. Don't ever, ever tell me that smoking is something that only affects the smoker. It is a disgustingly selfish habit where you put your needs before everything else and that includes the health and wellbeing of those you are supposed to love. There is absolutely no excuse for it. Amazingly after all those years of telling us what a load of rubbish the health risks were and that he was unable to give up my dad never smoked again after being told of his terminal diagnosis. Suddenly wasn't that difficult to do after all.

I really feel the least my mother could have done is not started smoking again

But she already is doing more than "the least". Much more. She is caring for your father while he is ill, something which can be very difficult, restricting and isolating (hence my comment about putting her life on hold).

Thank you. That’s how I feel about smoking. I too have chronic bronchitis and I really do blame my mother. She smoked through all 3 of her children’s pregnancies. My dad hated it.

I feel like she is selfish to have started again in spite of her struggles with caring for my dad. I am upset with her.

I think if I drill down to the reason why I am upset. It’s because I feel like my mother has always wanted to smoke and is now using this opportunity of my dad’s sickness to do it behind his back.

That may be too simplistic. I don’t know. I just know I don’t like it. I feel sad for my dad and sad for my mum because it’s so bad for her.

First of all, I’m sorry for your losses and your dad’s health too; I hope the predicted prognosis is correct and he recovers soon ❤️.

My dad is housebound and is now on oxygen (COPD) and I’ve found out that my mum has recently started smoking again, denying it despite it being glaringly obvious. She is my dad’s carer and also my siblings’ carer too, works full time and her mum is also not very well so she is stretched really thin, but I couldn’t shake the anger that I felt when I found out for a LONG time (not that I told anyone how I was feeling), but like you couldn’t comprehend HOW she could be doing that in light of my dad getting progressively worse and both her parents having had cancer too (we lost my grandad to it). My dad also doesn’t know that mum’s smoking again either and I think he would be gutted.

I think what some of the other posters have said absolutely nails it though; this is something she can control in a world of complete unpredictability and stress, and no doubt grief too with the family losses, and has now become her crutch. There’s nothing that can be done about it though as she, like my mum, is making the decision to smoke, so (really gently) you can either tie yourself in knots trying to get her to stop (which won’t happen and then you’ll be more frustrated and this almost resentment will just build), or somehow try and find a way of reconciling what she’s doing with her way of coping.

Sending your family lots of love x

Thank you. You’ve made me cry.

None of your business, let them get on with it. Not worth the aggro.

None of us are perfect - smoking might be making it all bearable for her.

Oh I am sorry - I didn't mean to do that. I am not quite sure where my post came from I guess it was all just in there waiting to come out. It doesn't mean that I didn't love my dad, but I was and am very angry with him for what he put himself and all of us through. Smoking is often presented as a personal choice but it really isn't because you are also making the choice for all your loved ones and impacting their futures and lives in ways you can have no idea of. I fully get where you're coming from and I would be really angry with your mum too.

You are allowed to have feelings, and you’re also going through a hard time so I don’t want to sounds too harsh…

But your mum is an adult, she can do what she wants. She’s also a carer and going through a difficult time, if this is what’s giving her a bit of me time, then let her have that.

I’d try not to turn yourself in to the victim here - having to care for her if smoking gives her cancer. It’s a bit dramatic.

Ultimately she’s quit before, hopefully she will quit again once she’s in a better place but plenty of people make choices in life that’s not ideal and I think you can be upset by it but it’s not any of your business

Nobody is saying it’s a lovely habit but god…you’re all so overbearing towards this grown woman who is allowed to make her own decisions.

It would be very interesting to note how many people who are defending my mothers smoking are smokers themselves?

I think everyone is fully entitled to prefer their family not to smoke given its effect on your health, the health of those around you, the financial cost of smoking, the environmental factors of second hand smoke and the unpleasantness of being stinky.

I get that she has a right to smoke but surely you need to consider that the people who care about you don’t want you to smoke and as such you should in turn care about how they feel.

Or do we each live in a space where only we matter?

Non-smoker here!

I’m not a smoker and I still think you are being really over dramatic

I think the question you have to ask yourself is more along the lines of what are you going to do about it? Or more what can you do. You can be upset for all the reasons you have outlined in this thread - that is fine and that is your opinion which you’re also entitled to. But you can’t force her to stop - you can shout, you can distance yourself, you can tell your dad to bring conflict between them, you can refuse to look after her in ill health. But realistically you won’t do those things, because (wild assumption on my part here) you love your mother and you take her as she is. So by all means vent your frustrations here and with your sister, but surely it is what it is?