Upset with DM and smoking

[Ontheedgeofit]

So Im angry or annoyed, cant decide which, but definitely upset and I need to know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am being unreasonable.

My DM was a smoker for my whole childhood and until she was about 45. I think she stopped completely but its likely she snuck a cigarette every now and then but I cant be sure. She definitely has stopped completely in the last 5 years. She is in her late 60s.

Her smoking was something which my dad hated and I remember as a child hating being in a car with her and just the general stinky clothes etc. My siblings and I have always been so glad that she has stopped smoking. She is not exactly an athlete but she started walking and got herself relatively fit and healthy in the last few years.

I am not going to profess to saintlihood and will admit that I smoked casually when I lived in London in my early twenties but it didnt last long and I soon realised the health benefits of not smoking completely outweighed any cool factor.

In reccent years (2 or so) our family has suffered 3 seperate instances of cancer. Both my BILs (my sisters husband and my husbands brother) and now my Dad (my mothers husband). My sisters husband survived 6 weeks from diagnosis till death, my BIL is likely to not last the year and my dad is 4 months into a 6 month chemo treatment plan.

My mother is my dads carer and I understand its hard. He is not suffering from the cancer itself but more from the side effects of the treatment and so we are hoping that the doctors prognosis that he will recover completely and be cancer free are true. I am in the local vicinity and we visit and I spend time with them both, so she is not alone.

My sister has arrived to visit my dad (she lives far away) and she has told me that she has discovered my mother has started smoking again. She is doing this in secret by 'going for a drive' and whilst she is visiting friends. I am so annoyed at her. I feel it is disrespectful to my dad who hates it so much and is battling a disease. I obviously dont like it either and Im so upset that she has given in to a habit which is so bad for her at a time where our familys health has become a focal point (eg why would you do something that is so obviously bad for you?).

I havent said anything to her but I know myself, and it will pop out probably as a sarcastic comment at some point.

AIBU for being so upset or is it none of my business?

I would mostly be upset because your dad should not have to deal with the third hand smoke. If she is providing care for him, he is having to deal with the residue on her skin and clothing.

when my mother was dying, very slowly, having smokers involved in her care was absolutely awful for her. They made her breathing worse. She would just cough and cough. We had to make sure that she didn’t have to deal with that issue.

And I find it quite insulting when smokers try and convince you that they haven’t been smoking yet it is on their breathe, on their clothes and literally seeping from their pores. It stinks and there is just no denying that.

They’re your parents, not your children. You need to disengage. Nothing you say to either them will be helpful or heeded. So just go with the flow and keep the peace.

The flow will involve my dad griping and moaning about my mother again. And there will be no peace if my dad finds out she has started again. It’s just unpleasant for everyone involved even without the health risk. I do not understand why she would have chosen to go back to a habit that she had broken the back of 5 or more years earlier. And the only reason I can think of is that she simply doesn’t care what my dad thinks or the impact on her health.

I'm not a smoker, but I am a carer and I'm a "whatever gets you through" kind of person.

You keep referring to your mum as selfish however from what you've said she already gave up smoking under pressure from your dad before, which must have taken a gargantuan effort, and is now caring for him. These aren't the actions of a selfish person.

Your mum is obviously struggling and needs these little breaks, whilst she's also trying her best to hide it because she knows you will all disapprove. Has there often been a dynamic in your family of you and your dad against your mum and her actions being seen as selfish? You seem more concerned about how your dad will react and are painting this as a betrayal rather than noticing that your mum is not OK.

I’m concerned about my dad’s reaction because he will be disappointed and he is already so down about his diagnosis and the effects of the treatment.

My mum is ok. She has people rallying around her all day making sure she is ok and my dad is ok.

I feel like she has taken the opportunity to take up a habit my dad so disliked because he isn’t ’there’ to disapprove. The only back story to this is that since their retirement my parents have been each others constant company sometimes to my moms dismay. She has spent more and more time with friends and I feel like she has taken the low road here instead of thinking about her health and what is best for my dad.

Again, not your marriage. You need to disengage.

Surely your dad must already know she is smoking again? As you say, the smell is impossible to disguise.

He seems to be struggling with taste and smell as a side effect of the chemo. I’m not sure he would have the energy now to argue with her anyway.

I smelt it today. My husband said something the other day and I dismissed him because ignorant little me thought my mum would never go back.

So she should do what he says or he'll gripe and moan and make jibes and other assorted unpleasantries?
Sounds nice. Maybe she genuinely doesnt care what he thinks anymore.

This. Smoking is an addiction that is harder to give up than heroin.

She KNOWS the health impacts. She KNOWS how much you disapprove.

You sound awfully sanctimonious and frankly a right bossy boots. Give it a rest.

And the only reason I can think of is that she simply doesn’t care what my dad thinks or the impact on her health

Well what's wrong with that? Maybe your Dad's always been a right pain in the arse to her behind closed doors, and it's HER life and health being impacted isn't it!

Thanks to the last 3 posters.

I would love to know if you are smokers or not.

You can’t control that, that’s their relationship they are adults with capacity. If they argue that’s between them. If your mum lies that is up to her, Shame is a big emotion and will make her defensive.

It’s not just her health that is being impacted! Most people expect care from their loved ones when they fall ill. I think this is a spectacularly good reason to look after your health because caring for someone is hard and she knows this as she is in the midst of it and has been witness to myself and my sister having to do it. What more motivation do you need to look after your health?

OP I really think you’re making this too much about you and your Dad and forgetting your mum is a person too.

Why do you care so much about your Dad’s sadness/disappointment about this? Ultimately he chose to marry a smoker. He knew who she was. Sure he’s allowed to be disappointed that she started again but your viceral reaction to his sadness is really odd. Do you far prefer your father to your mother.

Of course you’re allowed to prefer your family doesn’t smoke. But the depths of anger you’re feeling about this are disproportionate. None of us are perfect and her going out for a cigarette isn’t affecting you with second hand smoke.

I say all this as a non smoker with a Dad who smokes and a mum who doesn’t and also hates it. My mum has never let my dad smoke in the house or around me and my siblings. But she knew he was a smoker when they met, when she chose to marry him, and throughout his life. She’s always said she finds it gross, he knows it, but ultimately she’s not going to try and lecture or belittle a fully grown adult. Having seen their relationship I personally would now never date a smoker. I hate the smell etc. But I too would never try to guilt or lecture a grown adult into changing their habit. I will and do just choose someone who doesn’t, and who feels as grossed out about it so has no temptation to start.

On the health concerns. Of course I am worried for my Dad’s health and how smoking may affect it and would rather him give it up. I’m sure he’d similarly rather my give up my extreme sports hobby because he’s always worried about accidents. But we’re both adult, have both weighed up the risks versus the happiness it gives us, and have enough respect and love for the other to look past these ‘bad habits’. We look after ourselves in other ways, but ultimately we all take calculated risks in life, some of us are more risk averse than other sure, but you can’t go lecturing or making sarcastic comments to another adult you want to have a good relationship with (assuming you do actually like your mother) about their own life choices.

she stated she believes her mother gave her bronchitis as she smoked through all pregnancies. Im thinking some projection going on and the OP is one of the ones that wants everyone to agree with her.

Op youve said the smoking was an issue in the marriage, so she essentially gave up to please everyone else.

This is why I never bowed down to my ex. I enjoyed smoking, I was a smoker when we met etc. And as with every addiction theres a very big difference and success rates with needing to stop rather wanting to stop. Getting on her case is only going to make it worse.

Leave her alone. You gave no idea of the stress she’s probably under.

I really do not need everyone to agree with me. I understand my reaction is extreme. (And possibly more extreme the more I go on).

I have only recently put together the cause and effect of my bronchitis (and my mother recently telling me about a stint in hospital when I was very young with acute pneumonia) with her smoking and I’ve never said a word to her about the correlation.

I think my sadness for my dad is probably more about me than him. I find it uncomfortable to deal with problems in their marriage and prefer it when everyone is ‘happy’ or at least pretending to be. I will retract if this causes problems. It’s in my nature to retreat to a space where things are conflict free.

Well I dont understand the sympathy for a woman who has put her addiction before the health and welfare of her family for many years.
And those posts ive read that express the view let her get on with it because she needs a crutch are de facto condoning smoking. Do they equally condone other drug users and their crutches?

I know a few secret smokers, everyone around them knows but we keep our gobs shut as it means they smoke significantly less then if it was out in the open.

Well people have glasses of wine when they have had a rough day or just want to relax alcohol is just as unhealthy as smoking, I am not sure what you would like the op to do?

Everybody has a crutch one bad habit that gets them through life whether its, smoking, drinking,eating,spending, drugs, caffeine. Life's hard and where all just trying to get through it.

Expressing sympathy doesn't equal condoning. Yes, I have sympathy for people addicted to alcohol and drugs. I would hate to be in their situation. It doesn't mean I condone drug and alcohol abuse.

You obviously have some issues with your mum that go much deeper than her smoking.

What more motivation do you need to look after your health?

If motivation made people change their ways, 64% of the adult population wouldn't be overweight/obese.

There'd be no need for weight loss injections if everyone's motivation was simply that they may need to look after loved ones in the future.