Upset with DM and smoking

[Ontheedgeofit]

So Im angry or annoyed, cant decide which, but definitely upset and I need to know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am being unreasonable.

My DM was a smoker for my whole childhood and until she was about 45. I think she stopped completely but its likely she snuck a cigarette every now and then but I cant be sure. She definitely has stopped completely in the last 5 years. She is in her late 60s.

Her smoking was something which my dad hated and I remember as a child hating being in a car with her and just the general stinky clothes etc. My siblings and I have always been so glad that she has stopped smoking. She is not exactly an athlete but she started walking and got herself relatively fit and healthy in the last few years.

I am not going to profess to saintlihood and will admit that I smoked casually when I lived in London in my early twenties but it didnt last long and I soon realised the health benefits of not smoking completely outweighed any cool factor.

In reccent years (2 or so) our family has suffered 3 seperate instances of cancer. Both my BILs (my sisters husband and my husbands brother) and now my Dad (my mothers husband). My sisters husband survived 6 weeks from diagnosis till death, my BIL is likely to not last the year and my dad is 4 months into a 6 month chemo treatment plan.

My mother is my dads carer and I understand its hard. He is not suffering from the cancer itself but more from the side effects of the treatment and so we are hoping that the doctors prognosis that he will recover completely and be cancer free are true. I am in the local vicinity and we visit and I spend time with them both, so she is not alone.

My sister has arrived to visit my dad (she lives far away) and she has told me that she has discovered my mother has started smoking again. She is doing this in secret by 'going for a drive' and whilst she is visiting friends. I am so annoyed at her. I feel it is disrespectful to my dad who hates it so much and is battling a disease. I obviously dont like it either and Im so upset that she has given in to a habit which is so bad for her at a time where our familys health has become a focal point (eg why would you do something that is so obviously bad for you?).

I havent said anything to her but I know myself, and it will pop out probably as a sarcastic comment at some point.

AIBU for being so upset or is it none of my business?

I’ve said this myself. It’s likely about other things as well. I am quite aware of myself and how extreme my reaction to this is.

I do have other problems with my mother. I do think she is selfish and self centered in other areas other than her smoking. I love her but she has her faults, as do I.

Not if she is doing it in her car alone.

My mother will DEFINITELY expect her children to look after her in ill health. Very very very definitely.

Leave her to have a cig if it makes her happy! My MIL has been smoking since she was 16 and now 61 she loves a cig and will quite happy smoke one in her death bed 😂

at the end of the day it’s your mothers life and she’s getting older now it’s not for you to decide whether she can smoke or not.

You can choose to tell her you won't be doing that, you all have a choice, her expectations don't override your free will.

You might have to seriously consider saying no op because of the trauma you've already experienced looking after 3 people with cancer, please look into some counselling for that.

But I wouldn’t do that. I guess that one of the ways in which I feel she is selfish. She is looking after someone in ill health, she has witness me and her other daughter look after people in ill health. It’s terrible. So why would you want to stack that against yourself? Because you don’t care about the people who will likely have to look after you? It’s selfish.

I know there are no guarantees that my not smoking will mean my husband does not have to nurse me. But I really don’t want to stack the odds the other way.

I feel like you are being sarcastic and that doesn’t help.

Ex smoker.

OP, I think you've had a very unfair time on this thread and some posters who probably smoke themselves are attempting to justify your mother smoking. I completely understand your point of view and "being stressed" appears to be the accepted justification for all sorts of addictions and situations such as obesity and smoking, even although these can, with difficulty, be overcome.
I would feel the same as you about your mother, but I don't think there's much you can do about it. Probably best to ignore it even though you hate it.
I don't understand why there are so many nasty posters who think it's acceptable to be unpleasant to someone in an upsetting situation.

Thank you.

It’s not like I’d aggressively tackle my mother on this anyway. I’m disappointed and angry at her.

My dad is going to be as well when he recovers and it’s going to be a bone of contention if she hasn’t kicked the habit by then. Given her tears at lunch today at my dad not being able to eat and feeling sorry for him I would just expect her to be able to look a little into the future and care about how he is going to feel when he learns that she has started again.

I don’t think they are being sarcastic. Being a carer for someone is traumatic. I’ve supported someone with cancer (not smoking related) during the last three months of their life, and it’s hard and intense and it takes its toll, and you’ve done that three times

You've made reference several times to your feelings actually being rooted in 'other things' and not just the smoking. I think those other things come across very strongly. You seem to adore your dad and not have a very high opinion of your mother. Now he's been stricken by cancer while she has been given a pass and to put the tin hat on it, she has the audacity to rub it in by smoking again. That hurts.

If your dad is "sad" about it, then he will be able to express that to her. They are adults. Adults that are married to one another and presumably are able to discuss issues between them. It sounds like your father has been able to communicate his feelings about his wife's addiction in the past?

my sister has done it once with her husband (my BIL), I am doing it with my BiL (my husbands brother) and my dad has cancer as is expected to recover. Only my sister has really had to do any sort of end of life caring. My dad manages his day to day life just fine, he is just tired and nauseous most days.

my husbands brother was ventilated after brain surgery and was touch and go due to compromised lungs as he was a smoker prior to surgery. He lives in a care facility (longer story).

only giving you context. But it has been tough.

I didn’t read it as sarcastic either.
I looked after my mother through two rounds. Breast and then bone which killer her.

She died 11 years ago and pretty much the last thing I see every time I go to sleep is her on the hospital bed the last time I saw her before she died. That or the death tunnel on the way to the morgue which is also burned into my memory.

It is a deeply traumatic event.

I love both my parents. I don’t adore my dad in the sense that he is placed on any pedestal. I just know my dad has done a lot of the hard work in terms of health and finances during the course of their marriage. My mum has been more happy go lucky. It has caused issues in the past with things been pretty much resolved now that they are both retired.

My ‘things’ with my mum are not major ‘things’ but certainly point to flaws in her character. But I do not hate her. She does have a tendency for selfishness and needing troops to rally around her needs.

My parents certainly can resolve their own issues. I’m just sad that they will potentially have to rehash the same old shit when my dad recovers.

Smoking is disgusting and toxic. There’s no excuse for restarting smoking. It’s a shame because she’s at risk of health issues from smoking. Tell her that you won’t be available to look after her if she gets ill from smoking.

I agree, it sounds very much like this is about a much bigger issue; it’s clear that you don’t think much of your mum and have your dad maybe on a bit of a pedestal? I guess there’s a big backstory and this is how your feelings are seeping out.

How do you manage that? Read up about how your smoking impacts on others and the environment

I may have misread it. The gist of this thread is that I don’t have any room to judge my mother on her choices yet I feel upset about them. It’s conflicting.

I think its okay to be upset and disappointed, its human, but its also human to seek out a crutch during troubled times, and for some, thats cigarettes, alcohol, sugar, chocolate, whatever.
Its more often and not the bad things that make us feel better when we are in a pit.

I do think its your mothers choice, and that she's an adult and has the absolute right to independent decision making - good bad or other. Despite being more laid back about such things, i DO understand that it's upsetting for you.

The more i read though, the more i agree with other posters who think that something "more" is colouring your reaction to this.
The sneaking out for a car smoke is the tip of an iceberg.

This.

Yesi agree.
It amazes me how many posters are pro smoking on this thread.
I thought and assumed, that society was more enlightened now and smoking was seen as socially unacceptable by the vast majority of people.
The sooner no one can legally buy cigarettes the better.

No one is "pro-smoking" on this thread. What an odd thing to say. What has been expressed is sympathy for OP's mum and understanding of why she has gone back to smoking at a difficult time.

The ‘more’ is only my summation that she is fairly selfish and self centered with regards to other things. I could go into them if pressed.

My siblings have varying degrees of feeling the same. With me having the strongest feeling about her self centeredness, my sister at 6 years younger feeling slightly less so but also in agreement with some of this and my brother at 15 years my junior feeling very much less so. I believe that given our age gaps we were raised by different parents (not biologically but because our parents were different people at those varying stages of their lives).

If anyone wants to psychoanalyse this I am willing to give more information.

I know that I am very strict with my own moral compass which makes me fairly judgemental on things like smoking etc but at the same time I am able to self reflect. I would choose not to date a smoker (I am married) and I find myself preferring to sit away from other smokers as I find their habit intrusive to my own enjoyment of whatever we are doing. But I cannot choose to do that with my own mother and I really did feel closer to her when she gave up smoking simply because I could literally be closer to her and to not have my dad making constant jibes about the cost of cigarettes and the smell and my mums health has made being around them both a better experience.