Upset with DM and smoking

[Ontheedgeofit]

So Im angry or annoyed, cant decide which, but definitely upset and I need to know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am being unreasonable.

My DM was a smoker for my whole childhood and until she was about 45. I think she stopped completely but its likely she snuck a cigarette every now and then but I cant be sure. She definitely has stopped completely in the last 5 years. She is in her late 60s.

Her smoking was something which my dad hated and I remember as a child hating being in a car with her and just the general stinky clothes etc. My siblings and I have always been so glad that she has stopped smoking. She is not exactly an athlete but she started walking and got herself relatively fit and healthy in the last few years.

I am not going to profess to saintlihood and will admit that I smoked casually when I lived in London in my early twenties but it didnt last long and I soon realised the health benefits of not smoking completely outweighed any cool factor.

In reccent years (2 or so) our family has suffered 3 seperate instances of cancer. Both my BILs (my sisters husband and my husbands brother) and now my Dad (my mothers husband). My sisters husband survived 6 weeks from diagnosis till death, my BIL is likely to not last the year and my dad is 4 months into a 6 month chemo treatment plan.

My mother is my dads carer and I understand its hard. He is not suffering from the cancer itself but more from the side effects of the treatment and so we are hoping that the doctors prognosis that he will recover completely and be cancer free are true. I am in the local vicinity and we visit and I spend time with them both, so she is not alone.

My sister has arrived to visit my dad (she lives far away) and she has told me that she has discovered my mother has started smoking again. She is doing this in secret by 'going for a drive' and whilst she is visiting friends. I am so annoyed at her. I feel it is disrespectful to my dad who hates it so much and is battling a disease. I obviously dont like it either and Im so upset that she has given in to a habit which is so bad for her at a time where our familys health has become a focal point (eg why would you do something that is so obviously bad for you?).

I havent said anything to her but I know myself, and it will pop out probably as a sarcastic comment at some point.

AIBU for being so upset or is it none of my business?

I mean it isn't great she's smoking again but the fact she is "going for a drive" occasionally just tells me she might be struggling a bit, and probably embarrassed about it.

FGS she’s an adult. You don’t have to like her choices but shutting up is definitely an option.

I am really taking on board everyones comments. I understand the comfort of an addiction. Im still struggling to not be upset at her or angry that my dad is going to be upset at her.

I dont understand the long game... Her smoking has been a terrible sticking point in our family, she stopped and everyone has been happier for it.

My BIL was on a ventilator following brain surgery and the doctor issued very stern warnings about how reduced a persons odd are of surviving ventilation should the person be a smoker. The evidence is all there and its first hand. Its not just opinion.

Wind your neck in and leave her alone. She is going through enough shit at the moment. She is taking herself off to smoke in secret which already shows she is embarrassed and ashamed.

Then don't tell him. They both have enough to deal with already. Cut your mum some slack. It's unbelievably hard looking after someone. If that's what helps her to keep going, who are we to judge? I stopped smoking years ago, and my mother's many illnesses, and eventual death almost made me want to start again. I haven't. But I'd always promised myself if I wanted to start again, I would just do it, if it was the only way to keep sane. Maybe your mum is the same. Having a go at her, and being judgey will only make her want to smoke more, IME. Some people unwind with a glass or 2 of wine in the evening. I don't drink, but I wouldn't begrudge anyone some alcohol to relax them if they wanted it.

You cannot be comparing alcohol to smoking. I think if an alcoholic wanted a glass or two of wine to relax you should definitely be intervening or at least recommending that they dont do it. Just like I would have recommended to my mum that she find something else to help her relax rather than reverting to an addiction that is bad for her and bad for my dad.

But this is besides the point,

I understand everything that has been said. I am upset about it and trying to rack and stack my reaction to it.

Maybe SHE hasn't been happier for it which is why the old comfort blanket is sneaking back.

Has anyone in your family ever enjoy the odd glass of wine or pint of beer or a g&t?

Funny thing is, alcohol is a grade 1 carcinogen.
Mumsnet goes wild about smoking, while celebrating wine-o-clock and insisting that their drinking is never out of hand.

For reference I would never recommend an alcoholic have a glass of wine to relax. Just like I wouldnt recommend that my mother have a cigarette to cope. I understand addiction enough to know this.

I really do understand your worry, but please leave her be for now, otherwise it'll just be one more bit of pressure on her.

Ex smoker of 30+ years, never feel the desire to smoke, absolutely hate the smell.

I am so grateful that I stopped before I became pregnant as I was rather neurotic during my first pregnancy and I would definitely have smoked to deal with the stress and then felt guilty and probably smoked more to deal with the stress. Smoking is such a weird addiction. I hope your dad is okay and that your mom gets back on track. She must be under lot of stress to have started again

I think your DM deserves some compassion not condemnation.

Caring is very difficult and it is not surprising she has fallen back into using an old crutch. Tell her you love her and because of that you are worried about the damage smoking can do and leave it at that. Don't be sarky or lecture her.

Nobody "recommends" that smokers smoke or that alcoholics drink.

I am asking you if you, or any members of your family who are utterly opposed to DM having a cigarette ever consumed alcohol.

Thank you for all your comments.

Obviously nobody knows my DM so it would be hard for you to comment based on my story alone. I have to examine my very severe reaction to this because I am not an unreasonable or unkind person.

If I knew my mum to be a generous, giving, not selfish person then I think I would be more compassionate. I think that I feel she stopped smoking not because she wanted to but rather because she was pressured into stopping by my dad and because it was unacceptable. I think my anger stems from some kind of belief that she has started again in my dads moment of weakness where he can’t voice his opinion on it because he is somewhat incapacitated (and obviously doesn’t know) and is showing a blatant disregard for how her family would feel. I think I need to address that feeling and where it comes from. I’ve learnt that it’s never really about the ‘thing’… it’s about the other ‘things’. If that makes sense.

What is hysterical about stating that cigarette smokers cause health issues and death, not only to themselves, but other people who have the misfortune to be in their company or live with. They are selfish, just like all drug addicts.

Her husband spent years breathing in her cigarette fumes. He now has cancer.

The fact she thinks its OK to start smoking again is contemptible.

I think you need to remember your mum is a person in her own right, not everything she has to do must benefit her husband and family, she is allowed to be a little bit selfish.

Just to be clear, are you overtly blaming this mans cancer on the OP's mother as part of your crusade?

Is your father really so bad that he would make an issue out of this after everything your mum has been doing for him? If he does maybe you need to take him to one side and explain how stressful the whole thing has been and that the way to help someone give up an addiction is to support them. Does he have any vices?

To be clear. There has been no correlation between my mothers smoking and my dads cancer.

My point is that I am upset with her because she knows how much he doesn’t like her to smoke.

I can just see his disappointment if he knew. He is in such a sorry state at the moment that it would really be such a blow.

Her husband is dying and she is caring for him. Leave her alone, she's trying to cope. You see the risks, she sees that they're a coping mechanism. She hasn't even done it in your company. I find it really shocking that you would focus on this when your poor mother has so much to deal with. It's a massive life trauma and she's doing the best she can.

Have some compassion.

My dad doesn’t actually have any vices and he isn’t a bad man.

I just know that her stopping smoking is was something my dad was very happy with as it caused a certain amount of friction in their marriage. It really is an unpleasant habit.

It is an addiction and somewhere in her mind it is helping her. Do you realise that addiction is an illness?

I am really saddened by this. Obviously you're grieving and you feeling anger about your father's illness, but taking it out on your mother for smoking while she copes with it is wrong.

I am very sorry about your father.

This. She is putting her life on hold to care for her husband. Maybe she feels this is one small thing that she has for herself.

It may well be an unpleasant habit, but your mother will have tolerated things she didn't like either....that's life and relationships!

To be clear again… I haven’t said a word to my mother so have not taken anything out on her besides come here for some reflection.

I know my mother has a very selfish streak in her and I’m sad that my dad is going to be sad. He is hoping to come out of this healthy and this would just be such a disappointment to him.

Nobody is forcing you, or your sister to tell him.