Upset with DM and smoking

[Ontheedgeofit]

So Im angry or annoyed, cant decide which, but definitely upset and I need to know if I am justified in feeling this way or if I am being unreasonable.

My DM was a smoker for my whole childhood and until she was about 45. I think she stopped completely but its likely she snuck a cigarette every now and then but I cant be sure. She definitely has stopped completely in the last 5 years. She is in her late 60s.

Her smoking was something which my dad hated and I remember as a child hating being in a car with her and just the general stinky clothes etc. My siblings and I have always been so glad that she has stopped smoking. She is not exactly an athlete but she started walking and got herself relatively fit and healthy in the last few years.

I am not going to profess to saintlihood and will admit that I smoked casually when I lived in London in my early twenties but it didnt last long and I soon realised the health benefits of not smoking completely outweighed any cool factor.

In reccent years (2 or so) our family has suffered 3 seperate instances of cancer. Both my BILs (my sisters husband and my husbands brother) and now my Dad (my mothers husband). My sisters husband survived 6 weeks from diagnosis till death, my BIL is likely to not last the year and my dad is 4 months into a 6 month chemo treatment plan.

My mother is my dads carer and I understand its hard. He is not suffering from the cancer itself but more from the side effects of the treatment and so we are hoping that the doctors prognosis that he will recover completely and be cancer free are true. I am in the local vicinity and we visit and I spend time with them both, so she is not alone.

My sister has arrived to visit my dad (she lives far away) and she has told me that she has discovered my mother has started smoking again. She is doing this in secret by 'going for a drive' and whilst she is visiting friends. I am so annoyed at her. I feel it is disrespectful to my dad who hates it so much and is battling a disease. I obviously dont like it either and Im so upset that she has given in to a habit which is so bad for her at a time where our familys health has become a focal point (eg why would you do something that is so obviously bad for you?).

I havent said anything to her but I know myself, and it will pop out probably as a sarcastic comment at some point.

AIBU for being so upset or is it none of my business?

Honestly it doesn’t sound like you like your mum. Maybe that’s part of the problem and why your reaction seems so extreme to me?

Ok I’ll take that on board.

Have you witnessed someone with COPD on a ventilator? I have previously found it quite hard to remain calm whilst my BiL was beating off death due to brain surgery and his COPD compromised his recovery.

But then I have also witnessed someone taking puffs of a cigarette in between gasps of oxygen from a machine.

The mind boggles.

Yes my nan had COPD and required nebulisers for years and then oxygen for the last few months of her life. She was a smoker, I still loved her and just accepted it for what it is

I’ve said before that I’m trying to figure out why I feel so strongly about this and it’s very possible that this is just something on a list of other things about my mother which bother me.

I do love my mother there is no doubt but there are certain qualities and attributes which I question. I do believe she has an incredibly selfish streak in her and this just adds to my belief of that.

Are you helping your mum look after your dad to take some of the strain or standing back and judging her for being in an incredibly stressful difficult at times lonely position
If you put the energy you are putting into judging her and turned that into helping her things may be different

Do you feel compassion for all relapsed drug addicts when they return to their habits ? Or is it just smokers that you feel deserve it?

I do feel compassion for OP and her father.
I might even feel it for her mother if she hadn't chosen this point to reignite her habit.

My brother also has COPD even though he’s only early 30s. Encouraged him to give up smoking, he hasn’t. I think he’s an absolute idiot as he’s still relatively healthy, but it won’t be long before he’s disabled. But again, he’s an adult and I just don’t feel it’s my place to try and control and to take on those worries

Don’t you think that there is so much more information and evidence out there to support not being a smoker now?

Im guessing that one of the reasons you don’t smoke is because you know of its dangers having witnessed it first hand.

My mother has been witness to it whilst being without a cigarette for upwards of 5 years.

Do you not feel compassion for drug addicts who relapse? I do. Addiction, no matter what the substance, can destroy lives but once someone is addicted it’s not as easy and just choosing to stop is it

Spectacular? Please explain.

That’s very presumptuous and judging of you.

If you read back on my posts you will find the answer to your question.

You cannot see any of your own selfishness though?

No.

I’m not supportive of smoking. Im so glad their phasing it out. Should never have been legal. But I also try have compassion and understanding even if people are doing something stupid because ultimately I can’t stop them and I’d be wasting my time and life being angry about things outside of my control

Perhaps your father shouldn't have married a smoker then.

Leave your mother alone, she's an adult she can make her own choices and you don't have a right to judge her like this and so what if she's a bit selfish? Why is she not allowed to be a bit selfish? She is her own person aside from a mother and wife, or does everything she does have to be done with consideration for every other person around her?

40s sorry not 30s

I have posted here for reflection. I do recognize my upset and anger at the situation and am looking for thoughts and advice.

The reason I do not consider myself selfish is because I have cared for or assisted in caring for 3 family members who have suffered or are suffering from cancer. That alone has made me consider how my health choices impact others and I consider that if I were to smoke that would be selfish of me. How unselfish of me to do that.

Should I leave my mother alone when she has copd?

I would never leave her alone but it does make me angry and upset that she doesn’t consider the impact of her choices.

So reflect on the fact that you want your mother to stop smoking because it’s what you and your dad want.
They are your wishes, they clearly aren’t hers.
That is not as unselfish as you’d like it to be.

I think we all want what is best for our families… This isn’t it no matter how you slice the pie. I can’t stop her but I can be upset about it. Especially considering she had already given up for a very long time.

And I guess I’m sad because it is isn’t what she wants.

I understand where you’re coming from.

Smokers frequently delude themselves that nobody can tell they smoke, whereas in reality they reek of it.

The thing I would find most frustrating is that your dad’s treatment is likely to make him nauseous and very sensitive to smells . He’s going through cancer treatment, and every time his wife goes anywhere near him he’s going to be revolted by the smell.

It does sound like you don't like her very much, I agree with a pp it probably isnt just the smoking either.

I am not advocating smoking both my DParents and DH had cancer, had chemo, are survivors and are thriving now. My Dad passed, he had a stroke.
On Rhonda Patrick's podcast regarding omega-3s- she spoke of several data that showed smokers that had optimum levels of omega oils had the same life expectancy as non-smokers. Obviously it is contextual.
Importantly it sounds like your mum is having a tough time give her a break.
I understand where you are coming from but everyone has agency and capacity so if that is her choice you don't have to like it, but you should respect it.
Sending you

Luck

Perhaps she doesn't expect you to care for her if she gets COPD or cancer?
Maybe she will want to be left the fuck alone and smoke herself to death, who knows? Your borrowing trouble with that line of thought.

You also have choices op, you can choose to take a stand back, no one is holding a gun against your head making you take these actions, I think your mother smoking again is just a convenient outlet for your emotions right now, you won't gain anything confronting your mother and I don't think you have the right to either tbh.

Perhaps ask for some counselling from your GP, looking after all those people will have taken a toll but it has nothing to do with your mother.