Adult son avoids me

[Bonkersworknonsense]

I raised my kids pretty much on my own when their dad left. My son, the younger of my two, and I were always really close, even in his teenage years.

He’s mid-20’s now and has had a girlfriend for 5 years. Recently she’s moved in. I like her well enough, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. Ever since she moved in he doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me over, etc. Tonight I’d asked if he could use some fruit and veg I had extra of and offered to drop it off. He says yes. Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed, he’d just messaged asking for a recipe, which he was in the process of making.

Now I understand she’s his priority now, and he’s living an adult life. I like that he’s devoted to her.

But AIBU to think occasionally they could invite me round? Or out for a walk? Or something? He’ll come by if he thinks I need help, but never to just see me. I don’t think I’m awful?

For what it’s worth he’s said she’s “socially awkward”, but when I do see her she seems quite peppy actually.

I am always the one who asks him to lunch, them to dinner etc. I see him a few times a month - I don’t think that’s excessive?

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

I think seeing your adult child a few times a month is tons. I don’t know many people in their 20s who routinely invite their mums round for lunch or out for a walk. I appreciate that it feels hurtful to you, but this is not abnormal or neglectful behaviour by most people’s standards. You may need to adjust your expectations a bit.

I would not like DH’s family (or my own, for that matter) popping by at 7pm and hoping to come in for a cup of tea and a natter. I think your DS set a boundary in a very kind and respectful way - he’s a credit to you.

His not inviting you round doesn’t mean you’re awful - it means he’s in his 20s and his focus is on building his own independent life, and there is less time and energy available for his family of origin. This is normal and natural.

Maybe it’s time to think about what you would like for yourself at this point in your life, when you have time to pursue your own interests after so many years of solo parenting?

Okay, thanks. I’m finding it quite an adjustment from being close when he was a kid and teenager. And I look at families where they’re always round each others and enjoy each other’s company and I think it looks really nice.

Every one of my friends has a partner and that’ll never happen for me (single 20 years, the moment has passed, I’ve accepted that men don’t see me as partner material), so I feel I’m too often the one asking them to coffee, walks, films. Not always, but mostly. It’s not easy on the ego. And yes, I always ask about their lives, try to be a good listener, etc.

So just a bit sad my son also doesn’t seek me out. Before his gf moved in he’d call at least once a week because he wanted to tell me about his day. Understandably he now tells her. Empty nest syndrome is hard when you’re single and no one at all needs you.

I think my mum felt a bit like this.

Ageing can be really hard if you’re divorced and your children are becoming independent. They will be wrapped in their own little world for now anyway but it’s hard to let go. I often thought my mum felt slightly abandoned when I married, she was a huge and much loved part of my life and my best friend and I miss her constantly (because she died) but I had to strike out on my own to some extent. It’s like empty nesting version 2, I guess.

Just crack on with the cheery phone calls, odd invite around for dinner and don’t let them see your angst.

I can tell this is painful for you, things might change when they have kids. Be patient and resist the urge to overstep (if it arises).

My DH has always had a really good relationship with his mother (she’s also long term single) and we see her every week/they speak every day. She sees our kids more than my parents do!

Today we were just lounging in the house and I asked him if he’d like to take our toddler to her house and I would stay home with our unsettled newborn (toddler clearly needed to get out the house) and he refused. He said he didn’t want to just go and sit in a room with his mum, but he’d go if I came too. I realised that I’m always there when he sees his mum, and it’s mostly me asking him “have you spoken to your mum today?” that prompts the phone call.

All that is to say, my DH loves his mother, but without my intervention I don’t think he’d speak to her/see her anything like the amount he does. It’s no reflection of his adoration for her.

Thanks 😊 I really appreciate both replies (so far) being gentle. You’re right! Aging is tough when you’re single. I work a couple of days a week, but the rest of the time is a bit too quiet. I like some alone time, but also would like to be included in things.

I cheer myself up by imagining haunting my own funeral and hearing people say they didn’t appreciate me when I was alive 😬😂

That’s so lovely of you @heroinechic to encourage their relationship! When I was married I was always in charge of sending my then husband’s mum (in another country) birthday presents, Mother’s Day flowers etc.

He’s mid 20s an adult who has his own life. He’s been with the GF five years and she’s moved in so fair to say they are pretty serious. How often are you seeing him? Make the effort but don’t smoother him as you’ll just end up pushing him way. You’re not a priority to him anymore, his girlfriend is. I would make the effort with her as they might end up having kids someday so any fallings out now make affect that in the future.

You really need to find hobbies/things to do. It's not fair on your son demanding that he'll see you because you're lonely.
I understand that the adjustment from being very close and see each other all the time to him putting in some boundaries (well, maybe for the gf) can be really tough on you. But don't guilt trip your son. Our children are not here to make us less lonely. Try to stay busy and meet people and let him contact you the next time.

That's a bit harsh of pp to say you're not a priority to him anymore. Yeah, you're not THE priority but family is still important.

Well she’s not, harsh but it’s true. Op needs hobbies not people telling her pp are being harsh.

I think its great he has set boundaries but not to let you enter his home and make you stand on the porch is ridiculous. And I believe every poster here would agree if it happened to them! There is boundaries and then there is rudeness!

I wonder if it will change. I didn't bother as much with my mum (im ashamed to say) in my 20s, but it changed a lot. From my mid 30s I would say I would have loved to have her close by for cups of tea etc. (50 now). My brother is late 40s and he is always trying to get her to move close to him too - and his wife is on board.

This is hard OP for mums, but your doing the right thing keeping the connection alive. I must say prior to having kids i never really thought about my mum or husband’s mum much (the selfishness of youth i guess) we were so wrapped up in our own lives. Once kids came along it was different. I see my son about 1/2 a month & ye he prioritises partner/friends/work over me. But i remind myself Ive brought up an independent young man and like your son my main priority is he’s healthy & happy. But yes id love to see him more im hoping when he has children i might but in meantime i keep myself busy. You’ve obviously done a good job he sounds independent and never underestimate that in a child.

For some reason this gf doesn’t want to socialise with you and your son is being considerate of that.

So you either have to accept that your relationship with your son will be very much at your home, or you can kick up a fuss and push him away.

I know which I would choose. I suspect though.. you may pip for the latter

A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

to be fair, your daughter moved a heck of a long way from her mother and you barely see her. Whereas your son stayed very local.

I’m really close to my dds, the eldest has moved out and I see her a couple times a month. We talk a couple times a week and text most days. That’s plenty, she works mon-Fri and on an evening just wants to chill. She has 8 weekend days a month to see me, her ils, her dad, friends and spend time with her bf. So spending 2 days with her is plenty.

i also work part time, I try to keep busy going to the gym, I also sew, read and paint in my spare time. If you are feeling at a loose end you could volunteer or take up a hobby?

Some mothers can be very predatory with their sons, rather than their daughters. Hundreds of threads very similar to this on MN.

Part of it is the amount of social interaction people need. Some people are really chatty and happily repeat the same information to several people. Some run out of energy after one ‘debrief’ so to speak.

He now gets enough from his partner. You need to build some other chatting opportunities for yourself, to help fill that gap. And keep on with the other ways of seeing him.

Once a week is quite a lot, though, especially as he isn’t using the same time to see other family members- sister, dad, granny etc.

I honestly think you need to readjust your expectations - seeing him several times a month is quite a lot, really. I don’t see either of my parents anywhere near that amount as we all have busy lives and things to be doing.

A few things; by several I mean about 3 times a month.

His dad and grandparents are dead, he doesn’t have cousins, his sister moved away.

My daughter moved away because her husband’s job required it. She FaceTimes me (I let her do it because I always worry I’ll wake up my grandchild if I ring) every week, random times when she wants to chat.

I’d never demand anyone spend time with me! The idea makes me queasy.

A couple of people have said it may change as he gets older. It may! That would be nice.

I do know it’s natural in your 20’s. I’m proud of him, he’s a good partner to his gf from what I see, he’s motivated, he’s got a good job and saves money, he cares about his community. I know it’s common to not need your mum, just wish sometimes he’d think “I’ll ask mum to meet me for lunch near my office.” 🤷🏻‍♀️

And I work on call: it plays havoc with being able to volunteer or take classes. Once I retire it’ll be easier.

I really think your expectations are unrealistic - it would never once have occurred to me to arrange to meet my mum for lunch when I was working in my twenties.

I’ve never heard anything quite like it in the way that the OP phrases it.

ETA: is this the MiL/DiL regular poster whose adult son is a ‘good provider’ and she wants to see him more?

@tumblingdowntherabbithole really? I did. I moved to another city for a few years and I know my mum missed me a lot, but prior to that I did see her occasionally for lunch when we were both at work in the same city and my bf and I would drop over for dinners.

People’s experiences are different, but it’s not unknown to enjoy a parent’s company or want to maintain that contact. Neither is right or wrong, but I don’t think I’m “unrealistic” in general, just in my son’s case it’s not a priority right now.

And autumn crow, no, I’ve never posted about him before and he’s starting a career so not “a good provider” yet.

Quite a few assumptions being made!

@Bonkersworknonsense yes - really. When I was at work I wasn’t even thinking about my mum, let alone arranging to meet her for lunch. I may have arranged to take her out for her birthday but not as a spur of the moment thing.

I know you don’t agree but I do think if you don’t dial back your expectations you risk pushing him away. At the moment he sees you several times a month and speaks to you regularly on the phone - that’s a lot for a young man with a job, a partner and hobbies, friends etc.

It does sound to me like you’re used to spending all your time with DS and now he’s no longer available you’re a bit lost, but you need to stop using him as your “go to” when you’re lonely or bored. Don’t you have friends to go out with, or hobbies to do?