Adult son avoids me

[Bonkersworknonsense]

I raised my kids pretty much on my own when their dad left. My son, the younger of my two, and I were always really close, even in his teenage years.

He’s mid-20’s now and has had a girlfriend for 5 years. Recently she’s moved in. I like her well enough, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. Ever since she moved in he doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me over, etc. Tonight I’d asked if he could use some fruit and veg I had extra of and offered to drop it off. He says yes. Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed, he’d just messaged asking for a recipe, which he was in the process of making.

Now I understand she’s his priority now, and he’s living an adult life. I like that he’s devoted to her.

But AIBU to think occasionally they could invite me round? Or out for a walk? Or something? He’ll come by if he thinks I need help, but never to just see me. I don’t think I’m awful?

For what it’s worth he’s said she’s “socially awkward”, but when I do see her she seems quite peppy actually.

I am always the one who asks him to lunch, them to dinner etc. I see him a few times a month - I don’t think that’s excessive?

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

@Bonkersworknonsense people aren’t making assumptions, they’re going off your own posts. Your language is very extreme given the fact that your son sees you several times a month and speaks to you on the phone a fair amount too.

It’s not realistic to expect him to ring you for lunch while he’s working, or to be invited in when he’s in the middle of cooking dinner. It reads like he has very healthy (but maybe new) boundaries and you don’t like it.

I thought the same thing

I think you are too full on op. Its not your sons fault you are single and needing company. He's not there to fill a hole in your life. He has his own life, or at least hes trying to get a life separate from you. Like his sister has. So let him be.

I think I agree with the consensus here OP. In general I think once people are adults they prefer to have relationships with adults that have their own lives and interests while being put off by signs of neediness. You need to "fake it until you make it" by acting breezy and not bothered when he doesn't have time for you.

YABU, I'm afraid. I couldn't cope if my MIL was as enmeshed as you seem to want to be. Your son is an adult, and as you say he comes around when you need help, which is nice of him. She may be afraid that there will be mission creep and they'll end up having to see you twice a week or something (which would be WAAAYYY too much IMO)

A friend told me recently about how bittersweet parenting can be - you love your son’s independence and the fact he’s found someone to love but you miss how it used to be. It’s perfectly natural to feel sad about this - you’re not being unfair or strange to miss your son but it is a normal development.

I think seeing them a few times a month is quite a lot so don’t despair. For them, they have to fit in solo time, couple time, mutual friend time, separate friend time, her family time, time with you plus work. If they’re not super social, that’s a lot of people and energy to find. My husband and I are introverts and do extroverted jobs so we really need a lot of recharge time on our own. So try to be understanding of their needs rather than taking it as a personal slight.

Re the veg incident, I think it’s fair for your son to say that they’re cooking dinner and you can’t come up. His partner could’ve had a bad day or be showering or lying on the sofa zoning out. What ever the circumstances, it was an evening and you said it was a drop off - that’s what happened and I think your son set a very healthy boundary for him and his partner. It’s actually a credit to your relationship - he feels comfortable saying no to you. He knows that your love isn’t conditional on making you happy. That’s a win! So, try not to take it so personally. It’s probably not so much they don’t want to see you, it’s probably more that they want their own time and space.

You said in an earlier message that you were proud of your son. Keep telling him things like this out of the blue or little updates about your day like you used to. Send him messages with no pressure to reply or even acknowledge - just let him know something reminded you of him or you saw something he’d like. Just little notes. I know it’s not the same as meeting up but if keep a connection with him without emotional manipulation, it’ll be much better in the long run. My parents do it and it reminds me that they’re always there for me without conditions or a pressure to please.

And me. The double standards are hilarious 😂The whole thread is just a dig at DSs girlfriend. Notice how the DDs husband doesn't get an equal amount of stick for "making" DD move a 6 hour flight away?!

Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed.

What's being fully clothed got to do with anything?! 😂He was in the middle of cooking. His gf might have not felt well, she might have been upset about something, they might have just had an argument... There are a number of reasons why he didn't invite you in but at the end of the day you offered to drop your (spare?!) fruit and veg off and you did.

Yep this is what screams out from this thread.

DD moves thousands of miles away because of her husbands job - no problem.

DS sees his mum slightly less since he has moved in with GF (locally) - massive problem. And it is entirely GFs fault of course.

Just a 6 hour flight and you see her and your grandchildren once a year?

damn! I’d be visiting my daughter a lot more often than once a year if it only involved a 6 hour flight!

I wonder why that is? I’m trying to remember if my mum preferred my brother to me 🤣 I was the middle child so no one was giving me attention 😂

Agree. This is just nasty.

You've decided to be single, that's fine. It doesn't mean your son is obliged to fill the gap in companionship.

If someone offers to drop something off, I’d be surprised if they then hung around and wanted to come in, especially if it was the evening and I was midway through cooking dinner. She wasn’t left on the porch in a nasty way - it sounds like she handed the stuff over and then her son said now’s not a good time. I think calling it nasty totally misses the fact that her son and/or his partner could have had a reason not to have a catchup at that time/on that day. I think it’s actually a sign of a healthy mother/child relationship - you should be able to say no/not now to your parent and they accept that. Calling it nasty and expecting your children to do whatever you want/need without any consideration for their feelings/wants/wishes, isn’t healthy.

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life

I think you mean 'A daughter is a daughter until she marries and fucks off with her husband to live thousands of miles away'.

Ouch. The father left actually. Ignore that, I misread as her choosing to bring up children single. But yes, you are right.

I think this is sound advice.

My son does not come home very often these days, about once every 6 weeks, and I don't hear from him in between these times.
He lives with his girlfriend, but he always comes alone.
It's always a little awkward between his girlfriend and myself. We have never quarrelled, but there is definitely some tension around on the rare occasions that I see her.
The last time he came over, I asked him if she likes me. He said "Yes, but she is a bit scared of you" This shocked me. I asked why. He said it's because I am more reserved than her Mum who is very effusive with her affection, and calls everyone "Babe" and throws her arms around them. That's just not me. He understands that I show my love in my own way, more understated, but he knows how much I love him, and I am always there for him no matter what.
What should I do to improve my relationship with her? I would like to see them more often, and there might be a grandchild one day.

Hi op I think the things your expecting like being closer to them and lunch are things that will happen as they start to get a bit older and have children. Be patient for now and allow them to navigate this part of their life knowing you support them. I would also get to know the girlfriend a bit more in whatever way she feels comfortable with. In their 20s means they probably aren’t thinking about you too much and I don’t mean in a bad way at all, I just mean they are focused on themselves

I don’t agree that daughters are necessarily closer to their mothers. There are plenty of posts on here about Mummy’s boys.
OP, I think 3 times a month is plenty to see your parents. Maybe they are not inviting you out because they don’t want it to become any more than that.
You can let your children become your only social life. You need to develop hobbies and interests.

Why is it nasty? OP wasn’t invited over, she offered to drop off some food she wouldn’t use and her DS was in the middle of cooking! What should he have done, put everything on pause for OP, or invited her in for dinner? 🙄

How often do they see her parents? Is she happy for her mum to be left standing on the doorstep?

I can hear you are sad about this and that is hard but I do think there is an aspect of your expectations being out of whack here.

At some stage when you get him on his own have a conversation with him about what he would visualise as a relationship between you going forward and then set your expectations accordingly.

Mismatched expectations caused a tonne of resentment in my DH’s family with a family member so i understand it can be very challenging but you can create your own stuff if you have a handle on what is on offer and if you can come to terms with that.

Honestly OP, your expectations are unrealistic.

Can you increase your work days or find something else to fill your time?

My DC both live about two hours away, door to door. I see each of them maybe every two months on average. We chat on the phone maybe once or twice a week. Daily interactions on WA. I am also terminally single. I am very busy still, working FT, side hustle, seeing friends, book club, lots of theatre trips and holidays.

You need to widen your horizons.

OP invited herself over to drop off some food - the DS and his girlfriend were in the middle of cooking dinner - should they have put everything on pause to host OP, or invited her in to eat?

I was half asleep when I read this originally my apologies. Yes, op don't put pressure. The more you push, the further he pulls away.