Adult son avoids me

[Bonkersworknonsense]

I raised my kids pretty much on my own when their dad left. My son, the younger of my two, and I were always really close, even in his teenage years.

He’s mid-20’s now and has had a girlfriend for 5 years. Recently she’s moved in. I like her well enough, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. Ever since she moved in he doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me over, etc. Tonight I’d asked if he could use some fruit and veg I had extra of and offered to drop it off. He says yes. Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed, he’d just messaged asking for a recipe, which he was in the process of making.

Now I understand she’s his priority now, and he’s living an adult life. I like that he’s devoted to her.

But AIBU to think occasionally they could invite me round? Or out for a walk? Or something? He’ll come by if he thinks I need help, but never to just see me. I don’t think I’m awful?

For what it’s worth he’s said she’s “socially awkward”, but when I do see her she seems quite peppy actually.

I am always the one who asks him to lunch, them to dinner etc. I see him a few times a month - I don’t think that’s excessive?

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

I wasn’t saying or even alluding otherwise

Again, lots of assumptions! Of course I have friends 🙄 He was not my go-to, good lord. But obviously when he was a kid and teen I saw him daily and until his gf moved in he called me quite often to chat. Their work schedules were a bit opposite then so he would be at loose ends and call me.

I don’t see how I’d push him away when he doesn’t know I’d like to see him a bit more. I’d never let on, for one thing I don’t want pity visits, but more importantly I’d never force my company on anyone. Yuk!

A few times a month is more than enough. He's got his own life to live.

How often do you see your daughter a month Op?

What happens at Christmas?

@4thcoffee Not at all in person: her husband’s work took them thousands of miles away. She FaceTimes every week, random times when she feels like a chat.

At Christmas my son and his gf have gone more often to her parents (different city), this year they came to mine (his suggestion, not mine).

Doesn’t answer by question…. How often do you get together with you daughter a month?

What does your son do for Mother’s Day? Your birthday etc?

The fact is…. You refer to the old adage that a daughter is a daughter for life, but fact is… your daughter moved thousands of miles away

So that’s positive

and how did it go?

Nope. If I’m dropping something off for someone, I have no intention of going in for a visit unless that’s been preplanned. Otherwise, a knock, “Here you go, have a good evening!” and I’m off. Especially on a week night! It’s such a race to get things done after work, I wouldn’t want to disrupt anything.

Sorry, I’m missing something here. To me “get together” means in person. I don’t see her in person as she’s a 6 hour plane ride away. I visit once a year, on average. Mother’s Day he came by in the afternoon, my birthday we went for lunch this year I think.

My daughter didn’t move away on a whim: her husband’s was transferred and it was not avoidable, not if he wanted to keep his job.

Yes but fact is… she did move away and you barely see her

whereas you do see your son and he lives round the corner

so I’m pointing out that the adage you refer to, isn’t really applicable to your situation

How did Christmas go?

OK - so you freely admit you understand he has a long term partner in his life who, on balance, will come first now, and that it's her home too, and that his time is more compartmentalised now, and that he still sees you a few times a month, and that he, like your daughter, has his own life to lead, and that it's not his job to keep you occupied, and that you aren't expecting him to fill a void ect ect ... and yet your thread title is My Adult Son Avoids Me.

IF he is then it's because your asking too much right now. Your saying all the right things, but still stuck in this primary thought process of ''i don't see him as much as i did when he was a teenager (!) and i'm sad''.

You do need to snap out of it OP.

I mean - you've talked about your relationship with your mother being close, but your son shares his daily life and his home with his partner now. You are The Mother In Law. It's a fine line to tread.

Te: the veg incident. I for one wouldn't like my MIL rocking up at 7pm with vegetables mid week gaily expecting to come in and chat for an unspecified amount of time.

Keep inviting them for lunch at yours or casual lunch out. Be grateful you have them nearby for emergencies. Enjoy them as a couple and be proud he's cutting the apron strings.

Plus - hoping he'll call you for lunch in a work day ... really i don't think that's a thing is it? My DH loves his mum but after a day/week at work and dealing with his own home stuff it's all he can do to muster the head space to ring her once every couple of weeks!

It’s just another stage of life. I also wouldn’t want my mil Dropping in at 7pm in the middle of cooking likely in comfy clothes that may or may not be ones I’d accept visitors in.

Do many people not in London really work in places and have the time to actually go out for lunch? Dh might right his mum if he wants something but couldn’t do lunch with anyone.

Good advice here. The veg incident struck me as well- although I’m sure it wasn’t intended this way, it comes across as a pretext to pop round (no one needs to urgently get rid of extra veg that much). Your son is setting a boundary- planned time together, yes; random popping round, no. It’s perfectly reasonable. New boundaries can lead to uncomfortable moments, such as OP being left on the step, but she can choose how she wants to react to this.

I have lots of sympathy for OP but also for the son. It’s a tough transition when a child leaves home and finds a partner but it’s also a good thing.

The worst thing you can do would be to keep pushing so that he does end up having to avoid you. Much better to try to take on board what he’s telling you- he is your son and loves you but also needs the relationship to move on- no more popping round with vegetables. Fill your life up a bit more so that you have less time to feel lonely. I know it’s hard.

I really hate that saying, it really grates. I’m not at all close to my mother, my brother is far closer to her and really loves her.
I’m much closer to my young adult son but wouldn’t expect to see him every month.

My mum used to ask if she could move into my garden shed to be close to my kids. She's unhinged though and we are N/C now 😂 used to demand a weekly timed schedule to come see my kids! I couldn't cope with the suffocation any longer. As long as OP is just seeing him when he's up for it and not putting much pressure on, I think she's doing great.

I just can’t relate to this op at all. I also have an early 20s DS with a newly cohabiting gf. Was also a single mum.

3 times a month is loads!

I see it as a sign of success that my ds is so independent. I see the little contact we have atm as a stage. When he has DCs I expect to see much more of them as they’ll want free childcare!

you seem to want to replicate a partner relationship with ds.

it is hard when they are t dependent DCs anymore. A good lesson in why mothers shouldn’t martyr themselves first their DCs or not have lives of their own.

you need to see this new life stage as an opportunity- get out, do stuff, be busy, volunteer, make new friends.

Seems like she is putting pressure on him hence him not taking her up on her offers.

I think the thing is, she might not be the kind of person who likes having people over. I hate it, I love my Inlaws but I find people popping in for tea really stressful. I feel like the house needs to be spotless and I really don't relax. It could be she's like me and it isn't that she doesn't like you she just hates hosting.

I can imagine it's hard but a few times a month really is quite a lot when you're in your mid twenties.

So hard to adjust.

But keep being breezy, cheerful, open and friendly.

Expect nothing. Seriously hard but I think that's how it is for many. I fully expect this when my DCs are adults. I don't want them to have to fit me in or juggle their time for me if they're not that keen.

And fill your life up with your own interests. Friends. Enjoy your life. And don't prioritise adult dcs.