Adult son avoids me

[Bonkersworknonsense]

I raised my kids pretty much on my own when their dad left. My son, the younger of my two, and I were always really close, even in his teenage years.

He’s mid-20’s now and has had a girlfriend for 5 years. Recently she’s moved in. I like her well enough, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. Ever since she moved in he doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me over, etc. Tonight I’d asked if he could use some fruit and veg I had extra of and offered to drop it off. He says yes. Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed, he’d just messaged asking for a recipe, which he was in the process of making.

Now I understand she’s his priority now, and he’s living an adult life. I like that he’s devoted to her.

But AIBU to think occasionally they could invite me round? Or out for a walk? Or something? He’ll come by if he thinks I need help, but never to just see me. I don’t think I’m awful?

For what it’s worth he’s said she’s “socially awkward”, but when I do see her she seems quite peppy actually.

I am always the one who asks him to lunch, them to dinner etc. I see him a few times a month - I don’t think that’s excessive?

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

I don’t mean because of my age :) It’s lovely it’s happened for you! But I found hoping I’d find someone was really depressing after so long, so it’s easier just to accept it.

I notice the aggressive posters are also the ones who make a lot of mistaken assumptions; that I can afford to visit my daughter more than once a year, that my son’s gf has family here, that I’ve been posting about this repeatedly, that I gave him unwanted veg, that I dropped by unannounced.

I guess we all bring our own histories to our responses, but it’s a kinder tone to ask rather than jump to negative conclusions.

OP I found that getting a pet enormously - something to look after and care for, and hopefully unconditional love and affection.
It's worked for me.

I think two things can be true at once - one that it's very natural to struggle when the youngest grows up and you see your kids move onto true independence knowing they will (likely) never need you in same way again.. and two that whilst the levels of contact feel hard for you, they are really very normal for someone in your sons stage of life and as other posters have said its actually a lot more than many by sounds of it!

To be honest in my 20s I probably reached out to my mum less than your son is despite being a big fan of hers and there being no issues - it's just that time of life where things feel really busy there's not as much time, headspace, energy or perhaps inclination to reach out much have you round etc.

Neither your feelings or his behaviour are wrong it's just a tricky time 💗

I'm in a similar situation.

A lot of it comes down to comfort levels. You've seen him at his worst - he probably wouldn't care less if you came inside while he was in his underwear and his house was chaos.

You don't have that closeness with her yet (if ever). She might be putting pressure on herself to make a good impression on you by only letting you see her at her best. Or she might have bought all of society's rhetoric about Monsters in Law and be a bit scared of you.

I know it's a horrible feeling being left on the doorstep but try to remember it's early days for you being in her 'safe space'. He has chosen this woman and hopefully is happy, and with time and a bit of forgiveness around the awkwardness the three of you will find your groove.

I'd be sad if I dropped something off for ds and he didn't invite me in for a quick coffee. I know I'm very lucky but my DS invites me around for dinner usually once most weeks and he's a great cook. If you're on your own could you try to join a group so you make some friends to do things with. In town I live in they have a group meet up each week and do different things like cinema, bowling, hiking etc. I know someone who joined after her youngest DC went to uni and said she made friends after years at home with her kids when she didn't go out much. Last weekend she went on a 4 mile walk had a pub lunch then they walked the 4 miles back and a few took dogs too. My friend is thinking of getting a small dog because of this group. Several of them meet up to walk their dogs a few times each week. In your case it sounds like your DS partner doesn't like you much and that's why invites don't happen.

Meet ups around 3 times a month is pretty good. They came to you for Xmas.
You shouldn’t expect to come in at 7pm on a weekday to drop something off or be offended if you’re not asked in.

Expecting to meet up with son when he is on his lunch break is massively unreasonable. Weird to think this is a thing. A one off lunch, perhaps. Regularly? That’s ridiculous, leave the guy to work and get on with his day.

Hi op I get your sadness you just want to see your son but sometimes when a guy meets a gf they will just do what’s best for an easy life. you raised him to be independent which he is and he’s now making a new life but it still hurts that you have lost the closeness but he might change you sound lonely which is to be expected try and fill your time with other things you enjoy and it’s usual the girl want to go to her parents for Xmas maybe you could suggest every other year.

The trick is not to expect it. In my case it was extremely unexpected, but it just happened.

There could be loads of reasons why he/they don't want you popping in. And they may have nothing to do with you.

It may help you to do some soul searching as to whether there's anything you have said or done in the past that might be viewed as overbearing? For example: if you keep a particularly neat and tidy house, do you make comments if their house isn't as well ordered? Is it possible that they have different tastes and preferences that either conflict with yours or make it seem like you disapprove?

For example: my ex-mother in law had a complete lack of self-awareness about all the things she would do that were absolutely nauseating and overbearing: She would always make comments about our house and how it was decorated/furniture/contents/kitchen etc etc. She would always make comments about the clothes I was wearing. Either directly, or she would suggest other clothes (or, worse, buy clothes) that clearly were not anything I would normally wear. She would buy hideous purses/handbags for me. She even bought a bright pink leather jacket once - which caused my own mum and sisters to have a complete meltdown of laughter - it's still mentioned to this day.

Point being: I am sure you aren't that bad, but is it possible that there are things you've said/done in the past that are a bit much?

Maybe back off for a bit - don't offer food, don't think up reasons to pop round or for your son to have to pop round - just be nice and kind as usual, but leave it for them to invite you over or think of activities to do together. They are young, they are building their life together, they may have very little time after work etc to even spend together, let alone with others.

Meanwhile, therapy can help with these feelings that many mums have when their children leave home and start living with other people. Particularly for mums who have sons. It's important to have good boundaries and to understand why others have them too, and to respect them.

Hmm, the only annoying thing I’ve done that I can think of is to agree with his cat when the cat claims he’s starving. My son thinks I’m encouraging the cat, whereas I think it’s polite to agree with cats when they complain (I don’t actually feed the cat, just say “poor cat, that sounds awful”).

When I was first married and we lived closer to his family than mine, we’d drive 30 minutes each way every Sunday to spend the afternoon with them and see them for dinner. It never dawned on me that this was too often, they were his family and I thought it was nice they wanted to see us. I never saw them as an obligation or interruption to our actual life. And when I was a slightly younger adult my boyfriend at the time and I would pop round for dinner to my parents (his were over 1000 miles away) & I’d see my mum occasionally on our work breaks at lunch.

Everyone’s different, but I wouldn’t say seeing family a few times a month is universally seen as excessive.

@Bonkersworknonsense

Everyone’s different, but I wouldn’t say seeing family a few times a month is universally seen as excessive.

I think this sentence you wrote sums up your situation - everyone is different, and your son and his gf want to do things differently to you. You don’t see it as excessive, they do.

If he was taken to Grandparents every weekend as a child (assuming as you say after you were married you did this), he might have found it boring and excessive, and he has decided to do different now he is an adult.

I read it a lot on mumsnet that people regularly visited their own parents and in-laws in the past and don’t like it that their adult children don’t now do it for them. But adult children often rebel against the norms of the family they grew up in, especially as a young adult like your son.

His grandparents emigrated before he was born, so no, it wasn’t that.

Maybe he then saw not being too close as the normal. You were clearly not close to your parents due to distance and that’s what he saw growing up.

So he sees it as normal to not need to be in each others pockets.

I bloody hate that ‘son is a son’ quote. It’s sexist bullshit. So YABU for using that.

I hate it too, and I find the people who use it in real life are the ones that end up not close to their sons because it seems like it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. They end up instantly seeing their sons partner as a threat, start trying to drive a wedge between them and lose. Not that I’m saying OP has done that.

I think my son resents being treated like a child. When I look at him and think about him, I still see that little boy standing excited in front of his birthday cake ready to make a wish. But that isn't how he sees himself, so there is a mismatch.
I have learned to keep that little boy with me in my heart, but to treat the man in front of me today, with warmth, affection and respect.

🌷 I’m dreading the day I know will come, when I’m no longer as important in my DC’s life as they are in mine. It’s already starting in a small scale. And I just want to say to them, don’t you remember the hours I held you when exhausted or overwhelmed as you needed me, don’t you remember the nights I spent awake making sure you were ok, don’t you remember me being there, cheering you on at a play, pouring over all the ‘art’ you produced, nudging you to revise, teaching you about life. Listening, caring. You were my world. And I was yours.

But already I feel the drift. And at some point I will be a much loved side token. No longer the main event. Forgotten at times, there when needed. I’ve not yet worked out how I should try to be, other than knowing I need to keep myself busy, re find hobbies I’ve forgotten when time starts to allow it. Enjoy friends who I’ve not always had enough time for. Who will probably be going through the same thing.

masses of love. Until they have their own DC I suspect they won’t realise. And even then perhaps they won’t. But keep the door open, never criticise, and no pressure. I do believe all DC seem to need to ‘cut the tie’ in order to then (hopefully) come back with an adult and equal relationship.

But surely the whole point of motherhood is to raise your children to be independent and self-sufficient adults with their own lives and families?

Being clingy and needy and making demands for more contact is definitely counter-productive and will probably make people pull away.

Get a grip.

You should want your children to go forth and conquer without making them feel like they owe you.

What strikes me is why are you blaming his poor GF in all this?

mots her fault he’s not calling, it must be because of her he didn’t invite you in. You like her ‘well enough’.

Why do they have to invite you over/for a walk/or something. you mention how you used to always be the one sorting your ex husbands families gifts and say it’s lovely that an above poster facilitates the relationship between her H and his mother. I think most women would be quite annoyed at the wife work.

I think you might need to take a look inwards and examine some of your own internal sexism and start putting the onus on him.

For what it’s worth I actually think you see him and them plenty.

they’re presumably both adults with FT jobs, busy growing careers, running a home, seeing friends. They get 4 weekends a month, that’s 8 days, it’s hard to fit everything in.

similarly with 7pm, evenings after work are very busy, they probably don’t have endless time to invite you in for an indefinite amount of time. You also mention she’s away this weekend. So maybe they want to spend some quality time together on an evening whilst they can before she goes.

Overall I think you need to adjust your expectations anyway and appreciate the time you do have with him/them. But for the love of god if you do bring it up please don’t inadvertently put it on her.

fbs

A tale as old as time.

The single mother enmeshed with adult son, partner transference.

Single for 20 years, the only man in her life is her son, then he meets a gf and has a woman more important, but for OP her son is still the only man in her life so she wants lunches, walks, cinema! All Romantic Date facsimiles!

My MiL was like this, sobbed when he met me, hysterical when he moved out, jealous and trying to compete with me for his affections.

Why aren't you crying down the phone to your daughter to take you for walks and cinema?

So your "usual walk" just happens to be past your son's house🙄🤔

Two of our sons live a five minute walk away. They drop in a couple of times a month usually with the grandchildren.

Third son lives two hours away see him every couple of months.

The thing is they're busy people, all working, tired at night. Doing jobs around the place, cooking cleaning. Seeing friends occasionally.

They're time poor, chasing their tails. Maybe the place was untidy and they didn't want you to see it.

You'll just have to bear with it. But you could be right about daughters being closer.

OP, you say you have quite a lot of free time, lots of alone time, etc. What about filling your time with some money making activities, ie selling things online, tutoring, part-time work, save up and go to see your daughter more often?

Also, no offence, but are you interesting, do you have something to say? My elderly parents are always out and about, meeting people and have plenty to talk about. I love catching up with them and hearing what they have been up to. Do you and your son have anything in common? One of my parents and I share the same interest so every now and then we try to catch a show of this particular nature together. I propose as does my parent.