Adult son avoids me

[Bonkersworknonsense]

I raised my kids pretty much on my own when their dad left. My son, the younger of my two, and I were always really close, even in his teenage years.

He’s mid-20’s now and has had a girlfriend for 5 years. Recently she’s moved in. I like her well enough, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. Ever since she moved in he doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me over, etc. Tonight I’d asked if he could use some fruit and veg I had extra of and offered to drop it off. He says yes. Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed, he’d just messaged asking for a recipe, which he was in the process of making.

Now I understand she’s his priority now, and he’s living an adult life. I like that he’s devoted to her.

But AIBU to think occasionally they could invite me round? Or out for a walk? Or something? He’ll come by if he thinks I need help, but never to just see me. I don’t think I’m awful?

For what it’s worth he’s said she’s “socially awkward”, but when I do see her she seems quite peppy actually.

I am always the one who asks him to lunch, them to dinner etc. I see him a few times a month - I don’t think that’s excessive?

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

Doesn't answer my questions but thanks for chirping in.

I’d just like to know what you think the DS should have done instead, seeing as “leaving her on the doorstep” is apparently such a major offence.

I do think it’s rude of him to not invite you in when you went to the effort of taking the food to him. If I was cooking dinner and my mum brought something round for me, I would invite her in & she’d just stand in the kitchen chatting to me while i cook

If you're only working 2 days a week, can you up it or find another job to do on other days, even if voluntary? (Apologies if there are health reasons why this is difficult)

I think concentrating on making your own life what you want it to be is a good idea. You are seeing him a fair amount by most standards, it isn't like he's cut you adrift.

This is mumsnet OP- you need to be overjoyed with gratitude that your adult offspring haven’t gone non contact with you (even if you were the best mother in the world). They didn’t ask to be born, and they don’t owe you anything don’t you know?!

All this stuff about sons and daughters is clichéd nonsense. Everyone is different, OP.

Your son is an adult, with his own home, and he has a partner. He has a busy life. It's really not usual to be seeing one's mother "a few times a month", go for walks, invite them in at random times etc. You need to back off, or you will drive him away completely because he will just get so frustrated with all the fuss and pressure.
And be nicer about his partner!

OP, it must be difficult for you to feel like you’re losing the closeness. I would try not to take it personally and enjoy the fact that he’s growing up to be an independent young man. I am really shocked by how many people would leave their Mum standing on the doorstep though. Unless there were serious issues involved, that would just never happen in my world.

Oh and I agree with what others are saying about focusing on yourself now. Spend your money on yourself, spend your time on yourself. It’s time for you! Treat yourself and invest in yourself @Bonkersworknonsense

Honestly op I don’t know if it’s because I’m irish and we seem to have a much more casual approach to visiting family but I am absolutely gobsmacked at some of the reply’s to your post. i can not imagine how a grown man could be so rude and ignorant towards his own mother and refuse her entry to his home on the doorstep. You have every right to be hurt. These are the very type that will be in a few years complaining about you not willing to babysit. He sounds like a weak man and her a right piece of work

I think sometimes the harsh truth is needed to take perspective

Your adult son doesn’t “avoid” you. He still sees you 3 times a month which is a lot more than some families. It’s sad yes, but be happy your son has found someone he wants to spend his life with. She is his number one now, let him go. He doesn’t call you to rant about his day anymore because he can do that to his girlfriend at home.

The title of your thread made me think maybe he only sees you a couple times a year… then you say he sees you a few times a month!

Anyway…
I know you are sad and empty nest can be horrible but please take the reins off and don’t be that over baring why aren’t you seeing me where’s my phone calls sort of mum. This is your time to get a hobby, make new friends, it’s you’re new chapter

Does the GF work with people all day? Perhaps she’s out of social energy in the evenings.

I think it was utterly rude of him to leave you on the doorstep, the rest is normal.

In my experience if they are happy and things are going well in their lives you hear less. If messages and contact increases it's because they have a problem and need you in some way.
My elder child (29) lives half an hour away and I see him about 3 times a month when he comes over, he rarely messages. I see his partner 2 or 3 times a year. They are both busy, very busy and in demanding jobs so I repeatedly say I don't expect him to come over. Younger one lives two hours away and I see him every couple of months but he messages daily.

I feel like I can relate to your DS's girlfriend. Honestly, my MIL probably could have written this herself haha.

Context
My DH has always been really close to his family. They are super tight-knit and celebrate absolutely everything. In comparison, my family have been in the same room maybe twice over the past decade. My parents live across the country so we have a weekly phone call, and at the time my siblings never caught up together. His family is loud, affectionate and have no secrets and mine is the complete opposite. I love both our families so much.

When dating, my DH would do the 2 hour drive to his family home nearly every single weekend. I would usually be invited along and I needed a good reason to not come.

Also note - pre-baby it has never crossed either of our minds to invite our parents to lunch/dinner. That just seems like the parents role for some reason. He probably doesn't even realise it!

The Issue
The frequency of the visits would drive me up the wall. Here's a summary of why I began to resent going (which also drove a wedge between DH and I):

• my weekends were always taken up with no time to do hobbies or hang out with friends
• I hated when my mum would ask about my weekend plans and I would say they're with DH family. It always felt like a betrayal to her (she never said so), but I think it made her sad that I couldn't see her in person as much.
• Many times he would only tell me on Thursday or Friday that we were invited home
• I have a low social battery

Sometimes they would invite themselves over and I here having a messy house for guests, especially DH family. I don't want them thinking I don't take care of him and our house!

Current Situation
Now we have a baby, the frequency has massively tapered off (see them once a month). Now when we are invited over, I'm actually excited to go because it's special rather than the overwhelming norm. Also, because DH is so family orientated, he's actually encouraged me to see my siblings a couple of times a year so we are a lot closer too. It reduces the whole 'betrayal' feeling.

Advice

• Ask him privately if the visits are too much.
• Plan 1-2 days of the month were you always catch up, like the 1st and 3rd Saturday. Cook together, eat, then play board games or something like that so it's a proper catch up. The key is to make it as predictable as possible so the social battery can be prepared.
• Ask her about her family to try and figure out why she's not as family orientated. No wrong answers, just might give some insight so it doesn't feel as personal.
• Tell him you felt hurt when left on the doorstep. And if a similar situation occurs, say you'll pop in for just 5 minutes to say hello (and stick to that timing!). Although I would only do visits like that if you weren't going to see each other in 3+ days.

As I said, I hated going to my DH family for a while and we had many arguments where I said we should go far less. However I never wanted us to have no contact. I guess just try to gauge if she really just socially/family burnt out or is trying to force him to lose contact. Because no mum should ever be left on the doorstep!

I don’t think it’s on many adult son’s radar to ask their mother to go for a walk. I have adult sons and although one will sometimes accompany me for a dog walk, neither would ever think of going for walk with just me, in fact I’d be worried they had something serious on their mind they wanted to talk to me about if they suggested it.

I know it can be hard when your kids don’t need you so much (I’m in a similar situation, single parent never going to have another relationship, eldest son very focused on his gf), but your son has successfully launched and seeing him several times a month seems like a very good amount to me. I’m not sure about the not inviting you in, do you tend to stay a long time and they had their evening planned out? If it’s only a short distance maybe the not asking you in didn't seem such a big deal to them?

I really would advise you find interests to occupy your time so you feel you are doing things just for you. I can empathise to a point and have felt pangs myself at how close we used to be and now I’m very much in the background (but I am very happy he is living a full life).

Because it is nasty. Nobody had to put everything on hold for god sake. How fucking dramatic. Bet you £100 quid the gf's own mother wouldn't have been left standing on the doorstep.

I ponder if men in general cannot be bothered with more than the home they live in often and when single will just go wherever gives them attention.

Thinking of their mums a lot seem to hugely cut down as soon as they get a live in partner.

Ex’s who they share children with often again once he has a new live in partner the children not in his home can very much be an after thought.

When single it’s what gets them attention. So mum or anyone inviting round for dinner well that’s food I haven’t got to cook and someone to listen to me. Children well that’s food keeps him busy and not alone again likely at his mums though since is the weekend and hey she will cook and wants to see the grandbabies.

Very easy lives where they don’t really do much but just attend. New partners get the blame when then he shifts focus be that from mum or friends or even his own children as it was all fine till THEY came along but really his Main focus is his easy life.

'A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.'

It doesn't seem like an appropriate quotation for your scenario as it is your daughter who has moved away! And, your son is still your son and obviously still loves you! Just be happy that your adult children are happy and healthy. Your son lives locally and that is lovely. Many people wish their family lived close to them but they don't.

I moved away from my hometown in my 20's but moved back after having children. My brother stayed local but only saw my parents a couple of times a month, until they had children of their own and my parents babysat weekly.

It is hard, I know. There are many days when I just want to rewind and spend all day playing in the park with my young children (now young adults).

But they were in the middle of cooking when OP invited herself over to dump some unwanted food on them. I’d not invite someone in in that situation either (even if they were my mother!).

OP can we circle back to you being 'on call' and this preventing you taking up hobbies/classes. I am coming from the angle of thinking about how you could build/incorporate new things, for you to do, without waiting decades for retirement.

I think it’s extremely rude of your son to keep his own mother on the doorstep, after she’s been good enough to drop something round. It’s rude regardless of whether his GF was home or not. She may not like you much or may not like visitors full stop. But life is about compromises. You are compromising on what you would ideally like. How is she compromising?

He's in his mid 20s with a live in partner that he's been with for years. You see him a few times a month, that's plenty . He's pulling away and that's normal. He's got his own life that he's building. You need to get one that doesn't center him because that is the past. Be proud you raised an independent adult who's a good partner. Successful launch, unlike Space X.

Don't just drop by. That's just rude.

Dropping something off means you don't stop in surely, I don't think that's rude I think that's op giving the wrong initial impression and then being upset that her son took her literally and didn't have time for inviting her in.
You should respect your adult children's boundaries, they're individual people themselves, this is normal healthy behaviour, you run the risk of them being more strict and pulling back if you complain because you think you're entitled to their time.

Your son sounds the ideal amount of time although I get the thing on the doorstep is weird and antisocial - maybe the house was a mess or they had smoked weed or something - you never know. My son is in London, we are in Bath - on average I see him once a month, sometimes in London, sometimes here and I speak to him maybe once or twice a week - he messages me a fair bit too - my H though speaks to him most days as they talk politics to each other - his GF though is sociable and messages me too and sends pics when they are on holiday.

@Bonkersworknonsense You seem to have a refreshingly great attitude and outlook about your son and his GF. I think you are approaching this the right way and I think you’ll see your relationship with your son wax and wane as he enters new phases in life. So keep doing what you’re doing.

The only other thing you might try is inviting the GF to do something. If you know you’re headed shopping or to something that she’s into, invite her along. I wouldn’t suggest coffee or a walk… more like “Hey DS mentioned you were thinking about getting some plants for your flat… I’m heading out this pop up plant sale if you want to join”. So instead of it being a big thing like a sit down coffee it’s more of a low stakes sort of afterthought, if that makes sense.

I hear you on the work schedule making it hard to volunteer…my problem is regular travel that is hard to work around. Maybe instead of volunteering see if there are classes, groups, or other kinds of drop in/out activities you could get involved in.

Example: Knitters are good for this kind of thing. It’s generally pretty easy to find a regular ’stitch -n- bitch’ or knitting group. (Before anyone says anything about granny’s and knitting…I was pretty active throughout my 30s and was not the youngest at most of the groups I attended).