Adult son avoids me

[Bonkersworknonsense]

I raised my kids pretty much on my own when their dad left. My son, the younger of my two, and I were always really close, even in his teenage years.

He’s mid-20’s now and has had a girlfriend for 5 years. Recently she’s moved in. I like her well enough, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. Ever since she moved in he doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me over, etc. Tonight I’d asked if he could use some fruit and veg I had extra of and offered to drop it off. He says yes. Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed, he’d just messaged asking for a recipe, which he was in the process of making.

Now I understand she’s his priority now, and he’s living an adult life. I like that he’s devoted to her.

But AIBU to think occasionally they could invite me round? Or out for a walk? Or something? He’ll come by if he thinks I need help, but never to just see me. I don’t think I’m awful?

For what it’s worth he’s said she’s “socially awkward”, but when I do see her she seems quite peppy actually.

I am always the one who asks him to lunch, them to dinner etc. I see him a few times a month - I don’t think that’s excessive?

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

You are working hard on making assumptions! He lives one street away from the sea front where pretty much everyone this side of town enjoys walking. I drive, walk, and bike down to the front most days when I’m not at work - before he moved there, when he’s away, etc. I don’t walk past his place 🙄 but as he’s only one street in it was easy to drop off the extra groceries.

Honestly, this is fascinating how people read into a post what they want to see.

I drive past one sons house going to town, GP etc. the other sons house nipping to the local co-op. That doesn't make me a stalker. Some of us live in small close knit areas like @Bonkersworknonsense

I hope your son hasn't decided that now his gf lives with him she is his social secretary and has therefore deliberately dropped all balls relating to organising visits, calls etc unless prompted by her (or you).

Where in my post did I say otherwise? Where did I say you should make demands, or be clingy? It’s only going to drive people away. I totally agree. And if my DC wish to live at the other side of the world I will cheer them on.

But it doesn’t negate my own feelings, even as I let them go, as I encourage them to be their own person and pursue their own path.

I’m very lucky to have parents who did this for me, and have set an amazing example in having their own lives reignited as I got older, re found their own relationship and interests. It’s totally the right thing to do, but when you are emerging from being there 100% for them, to being there when they need you, to being there on their terms, it’s a step by step process, driven in part by another (your DC), potentially before you realise they (and you) are ready.

And you can miss being the most important being in their lives - as you become the much loved, completely supportive, but much less important person in their life.

going back to the OP. We have one mother who never had her own interests or life. Lots of pressure. We have another who has their own interests, who we have to book in to see. One we see as a duty. One we see as it’s fun, as our needs are still met even before we realise. So I know, and hope my post showed, that being able to step back, be there and supportive but have my on life, and not demand, is the way forward. It doesn’t mean I can’t miss the closeness; the need for me in the night as a child (even when exhausted), the chit chat about friends behaviour, first kisses, navigating early teen years and coming to me for advice. I’ve done a bloody good job, they can fly, but I’m still allowed to miss that, even as I find fulfilment and love and friendship in the other people around me.

Again back to the Op, your son is mid 20’s, it’s still the time to fly. I hope you and he forge that adult relationship and you are both at peace ❤️

Love the MN ‘get a grip’.

Where did I say that i ever want to hold them back? Or that I would make them feel they owe me? I’ve been supported by my family to move continents, strike out, fail, strike out again. I’m doing the same with my own DC.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t have feelings, don’t miss things as they were, even as there are new things to delight in on their behalf. Even if I can pat myself on the back and say I’ve done a good job, they can hold relationships and jobs and aim for their dreams. And I can delight in that. I can still miss being the first person they called. For gossip, for advice, to laugh.

Back the OP, mid 20s was probably the furthest apart I was from my family in terms of talking and closeness. Having my own DC soon after gave me a much missing insight and desire for them to have an extended family. I hope this happens for you and your DC, but it’s not guaranteed. And the best thing is to focus on doing things you love, and surrounding yourself with people who have a little something you admire.

He sounds like the kind of man who forgets his birth family once he gets a girlfriend.

Sorry there are so many like this. I cannot ever imagine being so disrespectful as to leave my mom on the doorstop.

She sees him a few times a month. That's loads. He probably doesn't invite her over for dinner etc because he's happy with that level of contact. It would be far too much for me.

What about his respect to his long term partner in their shared home? There are tons of very valid reasons that many posters have already listed as completely acceptable reasons as to why it wasn't a good time for OP to be invited into her son and partner's house such as maybe she had a bad headache, maybe she was naked (sorry OP but it seems to need to be spelled out for you) maybe she had a long day at work and just wasn't up for visitors. Being her partner's mom doesn't automatically mean she wants visitors. I'm also noticing OP repeating that the son doesn't visit as much since his GF and him moved in together. How is the fact that they moved in together even relevant unless it's a passive aggressive dig at the GF? It goes back to what another PP said that women are always blamed for the shortcomings of men. If OP's son isn't calling or coming around as much doesn't the blame lie on him. His partner isn't his parent so why would she be responsible for ensuring her partner sees/calls/visits his mom. Why would her DIL have anymore responsibility to her than her own son? I mean in theory I get it bc it's always easier to blame the "in law" than your own child but it doesn't make it ok. Also the son was the one who told his mom not to come in not the GF so again blaming the GF is kinda shitty. Even if it was because of the GF the son again is responsible for his own words, actions, and relationships. None of this well this poor poor man's GF made him do it.

Also they see each other 3 times a week that's essentially once a week give or take a week here or there that is far far far from forgetting about your family of origin. Yes once I was serious enough to move in with someone/get married I expected to come first as we are creating our own family unit so that would come before your family of origin. I dated my BF for 8 years before we married. We lived together I would find it odd if after 8 years and living together I still came secondary as his life partner to his mother's wishes. Especially when it involved our shared home. I would find it odd that the wishes of someone who didn't even live there would come before my comfort in my own home.

The partner is equally disrespectful if she is comfortable with her boyfriend’s mother being left on the doorstep. I would absolutely not be.

But as I said some people view their birth families as temporary till they find a partner after which they drop them. The son and you sound like that’s your model.

I also don’t know why you are waffling on to me about the partner being blamed for the son’s behaviour. Take it up with those who have done that.

“A few times a month…that’s loads!”

😂Ok.

But we aren’t disagreeing. He sounds like the kind of man who ditches his family
once he gets a girlfriend. That’s all I said.

They're nesting which is fine we were hermit like when we first got our own home. Decorating, gardening, getting used to sharing. Husband would pop over to see his parents while I caught up on chores. They loved seeing the grandchildren once they arrived. My parents were much younger and always busy themselves so we saw more of the in laws..

I remember when my own sons settled down how busy they always were. We saw more of them once the grandchildren arrived.

It's a phase of life perfectly normal. Don't bugger it up @Bonkersworknonsense

If that's not loads, what is to you? And what's the minimum?

My stepdad saw his mom every week. My mom would visit my grand mother several times a week and call her the days she was not
there. One of my uncles and grandfather loved around the corner and we were always in and out of each other’s house. My dad would pop in and see his father (and sisters who lived together) several times times a week.

It just weird to me to hear people refer to a few times a month as “loads” unless you live in different cities / countries.

And of course it’s more about the shift and the disrespect such as leaving his mom on the door and saying she is more than welcome when the girlfriend is not there.

But all I have done is describe the kind of man the son is and said she will have to get used to it.

How is seeing your family essentially once a week (give or take a week here or there) ditching your family? I would like to know what is considered close in your mind if that’s considered ditching them. I don’t even see my best friend once a week and she’s the closest person in my life and we been friends since we were 8 years old

And what about the disrespect to the other person living in said house? Why should the comfort of someone not living there trump the comfort of someone living there. It’s her home too not his mother’s so in this particular case that trumps. There have been quite a few times I told my husband when his family member stopped by, “honey tonight isn’t a good night I have a bad headache/long day at work/wanna take the bra off.”

How is seeing someone once a week “dropping them?”

I have one son aged 30 has his own place good job a girlfriend all going well for him. His dad and I split up over 15yrs ago and we are on good terms. I ask my son quite regularly if he would like to go out for food or a coffee but am always answered with yes when I get time. I lost my mum in April and thought that maybe he would make a little time for me knowing how close mum and I were but nothing has changed. Last month he posted photos of him his partner and his dad’s family all out together. This really hurt me. Am I expecting to much from him just for him to maybe pop in and have a chat once a month. He may phone once a week but is always in a rush. I feel so sad. I’m the one he always comes to if he needs advice etc.

Girlfriend controls him and relationship dynamics.

You might be better off making your own thread as this is an older thread and people only tend to comment on the OPs circumstances.

This sounds very tough for you, I can imagine it must have been very hurtful seeing those photos when he isn’t making time for the fun things with you. He isn’t being very fair.