Adult son avoids me

[Bonkersworknonsense]

I raised my kids pretty much on my own when their dad left. My son, the younger of my two, and I were always really close, even in his teenage years.

He’s mid-20’s now and has had a girlfriend for 5 years. Recently she’s moved in. I like her well enough, but I don’t think the feeling is mutual. Ever since she moved in he doesn’t call, doesn’t invite me over, etc. Tonight I’d asked if he could use some fruit and veg I had extra of and offered to drop it off. He says yes. Usually he’s invite me in, but I’m left standing on the doorstep, and he says “is it okay if you don’t come in tonight? On the weekend is fine!” (She’s away this weekend). It was 7:00pm. He was fully clothed, he’d just messaged asking for a recipe, which he was in the process of making.

Now I understand she’s his priority now, and he’s living an adult life. I like that he’s devoted to her.

But AIBU to think occasionally they could invite me round? Or out for a walk? Or something? He’ll come by if he thinks I need help, but never to just see me. I don’t think I’m awful?

For what it’s worth he’s said she’s “socially awkward”, but when I do see her she seems quite peppy actually.

I am always the one who asks him to lunch, them to dinner etc. I see him a few times a month - I don’t think that’s excessive?

My daughter lives a long way away, but if she was here I know I’d see more of her. A son is a son till he gets a wife, but her daughter is a daughter all of her life.

I am surprised this man sounds weak to you. It sounds like he said that now wasn’t a good time and kindly mentioned the weekend would be a good alternative. Why is that so controversial? I would do the same to my mum in a heartbeat. Someone I message every day, see as often as possible and absolutely adore. I think a healthy parent/child relationship is one in which you can be yourself and sometimes that means saying now’s not a good time.

Personally, I think a weak man would act nothing like this. Maybe he’d let his mum in and then resent the fact that he didn’t have some down time with his other half that evening, maybe he’d let her in mid argument or discussion with his other half and know that he’d put something on hold, maybe his gf was showering or FaceTiming a friend and he’d compromise her evening - there are so many valid reasons why that time/day didn’t work for them as a couple.

I think the position of parent is incredibly important, irreplaceable in fact, but it doesn’t mean you dictate what your children do as adults. And that includes when/how they spend time with you. Yes, she’s entitled to feel a bit put out about not being invited in but to label that behaviour nasty and weak feeds a narrative that children are there to cater to the needs/wishes of their parents regardless of what they need/feel. I think OP’s son tried his best to let his mum down gently and showed great strength of character.

Wrt: the 'Left Standing On The Doorstep' stuff ...

I think we need to read between the lines just a bit. The son sounds like a good man behaving in a perfectly normal way for a 20 something with his new live in GF, but OPs thread is about not being satisfied with the amount of contact she has.

Now here are with OP deciding she's going to up and take vegetables round to their house at 7 in the evening and expect to come in for a social ...

Son says thanks for the veg but not a good time now mum! He didn't slap her in the face with a leek and slam the door in her face leaving her 'standing on the doorstep' !

Him and his GF may have been rolling round the floor together about to get it on just prior to OPs knocking on the door for all we know!

Hes been polite and said thanks for these but i'll see you at the weekend mum.

You just say 'oh ok lol! Enjoy your veg say say hi to [girlfriend] for me', And see him at the weekend.

Well it’s nice you have that much money! Not everyone does. I have to save all year to go out there. She’s hoping to get cheap tickets to come here this summer.

Again, assumptions. A relative dropped off fruit and veg to me as she was moving and didn’t think she’d use it. I didn’t really want it, so texted my son asking if he’d like it. He said “sure! I can make soup with it and we’ll use the fruit for lunch”. I offered to drop it by when I went for my usual walk. It was not a pretext, I just figured why let it go to waste in the bin, and it’d save them paying for it. He seemed keen.

He wasn’t making dinner, it was after dinner. He was baking.

It’s not decades, I’m about 5 years from retirement. My work calls me 6 days out of 7 (potentially, I don’t work that much, but do need to be available in order to get enough hours/pay). I am thinking of finding a class on Sundays.

And of course I see friends a lot. I like my alone time too.

Someone upthread was puzzled about having time for lunch. I have a 1 hour lunch break and so does my son, and everyone else I know.

👍

I was picturing the girlfriend sat on the sofa in pjs, no bra, hair up... it's not personal but I'd hate someone to come in for a chat on a midweek evening

The part about single 20 years the moment has passed - I'm 57 and in a new relationship. We were friends first. Please don't write yourself off.

Right, so either way he was busy and you're upset that he didn't invite you in.

Lots of people don't want guests after work in the evening - they're tired and in their comfies and just want to lie on the sofa watching TV in peace.

A lot of truth here!

Yes, exactly. I got on fine with my MIL but I don't want to be entertaining her on a random weeknight when I'm shattered from work.

You’re not keen on her
She is not keen on you
Your DS lives with and is devoted to his long term girlfriend and probably future wife and mother to his children. He is prioritising her and rightfully so.

So ball in your court… suck it up and accept you’ll be the one inviting.
or raise the issue with your son, serving no purpose aside from making his life tricker and ultimately Op…. You’ll come off worse as he will choose her over you if push came to shove

3 times a month is basically once a week and I’m presuming it’s at the weekends as they both work during the week? So out of a whole month they only have 1 weekend to spend together, and that doesn’t include the times where they may have stuff going on with friends and your DIL’s family as well.

I think you are very lucky to see your son 3 times a week. I certainly wouldn’t have the time or inclination to see my in laws that much. When would I ever spend time with my husband?

I would also hold off trying to blame your DIL as well, because to see you 3 times a month is more than accommodating in my opinion.

@Bonkersworknonsense don't back off, as such, go carefully would be my advise.

I was always close to my child, like you I was a single parent. When they got together, I was happy as long as child was happy.

like you, I accepted that they were now my child's priority. That's as it should be.

we all started to live together, child's idea, 25 years ago. Up until then I'd say child's partner and I had little to no relationship. Even now, I'm not sure why.

Except, there seems to be some kind of biological imperative for partners not to immediately accept the "other" person that has been influential in their partners lives. You only have to spend a little time on here to hear about problems with mil. On the other hand, there are other parents who really cannot let go of being "the most important one" to their child.

My good news for you is that after the 25 years we have lived together, my child's partner now is my second favourite person in my world (child being always number one) and accepts I see their partnership as over riding my relationship with my child. Which is as it should be.

So hang on there. Don't do anything to alienate either of them, and keep your fingers crossed.

Honestly, reading the answers makes me sad. I hate western individualism (well most of the western world's).

There are plenty of countries where you don't think seeing your family once a month is a lot. Where you don't "replace your old family when you are building a new one". And then we wonder why there is an epidemic of loneliness.

I don't have my parents, grandparents anymore, my sister died when I was a child. I'd give anything to have a family to see a lot.

I probably should go live in Spain or Italy so my kids grow up valuing family a bit more 😒😄

You again OP? Are you not bored of starting these threads?

Except, there seems to be some kind of biological imperative for partners not to immediately accept the "other" person that has been influential in their partners lives.

oh 🤫

😆

Get on bumble and meet some.men. if you arent into that. Find a fwb (divorced with kids) i really cba with a relationship however the nightly texting and the one night a week i get stops me going insane x

I don't think a dad would ever talk about his daughter and her husband like this, and if he did everyone would think he was strange.

"Except, there seems to be some kind of biological imperative for partners not to immediately accept the "other" person that has been influential in their partners lives."

Well I think that @user1471453601 is bloomin strange for having that daft view!

So many similar posts on Daily. How many more?

Oh Is the op a fruitcake?

in that case, sounds like the son and his partner are bang on the money with their hands off approach to the OP!

Yeah I pretty much agree with this. I think, barring an unusual circumstance, that was rude.

Perhaps make the effort to get along with her. And yes you’re right she could be the mother of your grandchildren one day, so best to fix any tension now, as it will probably be the mother calling the shots.

But there are plenty of families who do live like this, so there isn’t really anything you can do is there? Some siblings move away, like op daughter, not all family live within a 20 min commute of each other. I have family all over the world and only see some once a year, doesn’t mean I don’t love them just means I don’t see them as often. Then you have family’s who are enstranged for whatever reason, I’m pretty sure those that choose no contact are pretty happy with their choices. All families are different.