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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH has no idea how this feels?!

171 replies

Disneydatknee88 · 26/06/2025 01:10

I've just been made redundant. I've wfh for the last 5 years and honestly, I'm dreading the idea of going back to the office fulltime.

Dh chops and changes jobs as and when he feels like it. He doesn't have to factor in working hours around the kids. He drives so he can go wherever. I don't. I'm very limited to whatever bus route is available. I've always planned all of my annual leave around half terms. He just takes random days off through out the year to do whatever he wants.

Before the pandemic I was working 5 days a week in the office. Walking the kids to breakfast club, bussing it to work, coming home and walking to pick them up at 6pm and putting the dinner on for everyone as soon as i stepped through the door. Chores to follow. Stress and mum guilt was prevalent. I don't want to go back to that.

I'm freaking out about finding a job that fits around the children, that i can reasonably commute to via bus. DH made a comment about how easy it should be for me to find a job because I've been minimum wage. Sorry. No. Everyone is fighting for minimum wage jobs, even shit ones because they are unskilled. He says ah just work in asda, it pays the same. So I should accept any low wage job? Whether it works around the family or not? He has no bloody idea how hard this is.

OP posts:
Brandyb · 26/06/2025 01:15

Why doesn't your husband have to factor in working hours around the kids? Why does he get random days off and you don't? Why does he get to drive around and you have to take the bus? I can't understand this setup.

Brandyb · 26/06/2025 01:15

I'm sorry your job situation is looking perilous

Anotherscrubber · 26/06/2025 01:29

What job were you doing that was both WFT and minimum wage? What sort of work would you consider?

Hotmoodle · 26/06/2025 01:31

Why are you doing all the work? Why is your husband not helping you?

Ponderingwindow · 26/06/2025 01:39

Why does your husband get to work without worrying about balancing parenting?

Francestein · 26/06/2025 02:27

I think you need to have a very hard talk with him about his new reality balancing the kids around your new job! What a wanker!

PyongyangKipperbang · 26/06/2025 03:07

So you have basically supported his career by not having one yourself as he wasnt prepared to do basic parenting? You sacrificed your life on the altar of Motherhood as he wouldnt change a single fucking thing about his own life, right? He gets to do hobbies, stag nights, pub with his mates and you do fuck all for yourself, yeah? Does he have a bigger disposable income than you? Do you pay for everything for the kids and he spends on himself whilst you struggle to buy new clothes for yourself?

Does he have a big important job that pays well and allows him to brag about how wonderfully he has done.

If that is the case then I hope that he at least pays the vast majority of the bills and doesnt insist you pay 50/50, and doesnt also insist you work whilst doing all of the child/house work.

Although I am not holding out much hope of that to be honest.

Fatiguedwithlife · 26/06/2025 03:50

You’d be better off financially and emotionally if you left the lazy bastard

AbzMoz · 26/06/2025 03:56

i am sorry your lost you job OP. I was made redundant a couple of years ago and it’s v tough.

Your post started with wanting DH to recognise how you feel, so I’ll start there too. Empathy is a bare minimum IMO and you aren’t being shown much. Can you make DH see that you’ve lost your job, but his reaction is more hurtful? Do you have serious conversations or is he always flippant or (god forbid) ‘banter-y’?

Bring him into an overdue conversation around the mental load and physical work, and how that is a factor in your job search. This part isn’t an ‘I feel’ discussion - this is laying down the facts of the time, energy and opportunity cost (ie because I do this I am confined by that) practically.

Then together figure out alternatives - him doing more, changing his work patterns, agreeing hired help, kids clubs etc. this can be for both now and adapted as your kids grow.
You can also address the (seemingly mad!) unfairness of your annual leave being school hols and his being as he pleases - does he do any school hols coverage? Do you holiday together? Do you want to?

It sounds like you like to work and want to keep doing it. It’s important for all people and especially women to take pride in their jobs, whatever role, salary etc they come with. His actions and words unfairly belittle your job and show a lack of respect towards you. Your job is important and so much more than just your monthly wage - it’s your pension, NI stamp, keeping the brain going, social etc etc ..

You say you can’t drive - is that through choice? Maybe that’s something else to explore as that would give you more options, independence etc.

I do hope you find the job that suits you but more than that I hope you address the dynamic with DH.

stayathomer · 26/06/2025 04:05

Op did you do so much because of his hours? Has he got a very well paying job? Tell him a supermarket job will mean he’ll have to do school runs and collections- the one I work in is open 8 in the morning to 10 at night so now there’s a ton of juggling. If you were mw then yes technically you can go for any job but he needs to step up or ye need to figure out childcare

user1492757084 · 26/06/2025 04:27

Think ..
Laundry - people drop off and pickup.
Mowing - pruning etc local toyour home.
Cleaning - domestic or commercial.
Pet sitting - people drop off and pickup.
All jobs related to schools - Lolly pop crossing person, Teacher's aide, Cleaner, Breakfast Club etc.
After school care - and occasional childcare.
Library jobs.
Supermarket jobs.
Motel jobs.

Caligirl80 · 26/06/2025 04:42

Sounds like there's a lot going on here that needs some adjustment - the question is whether your relationship with your DH is strong/stable enough to tolerate those kinds of adjustments, and whether you both have the communication skills necessary to be able to figure this out without a massive amount of resentment and upset.

The easiest aspect to any problem is to focus on what you can control: Why don't you drive? Do you have a driving license? If not, what is stopping you from getting one? Barring medical issues it seems like one of the best things you could do for your self and your own benefit would be to get yourself a driving license and then stop being so reliant on bus routes. If you are worried about manual driving then take automatic lessons and drive an auto until your confidence is at a higher level and you can take an auto-lesson.

If you lack the confidence to drive then ask yourself why? This is something that, again, you can resolve yourself - there are lots of therapy and CBT options that can help with anxiety and self belief. Lots of driving schools also have instructors who work with people who are older and have had difficulty passing the test in the past.

Think of the amount of time and money you are spending on buses, and the amount of stress this is causing? It's also likely impacting your children because they are reliant on buses too.

If you just want to be more mobile yourself then why not take a motorbike license lesson and test?? Even a scooter would open up more options for you and give you a greater degree of independence.

On the husband front: hopefully you have the communication and stability in your relationship that allows you to sit and have a measured and reasonable conversation with your husband in which you not only convey your need for him to pick up his share of the child raising/ferrying/feeding etc etc work, but also be sure that when raising problems you also provide potential solutions to those problems. His response is likely to be that he is working full time and that when you had kids you had a conversation in which you conveyed your preference that you do child raising (or that you did not voice any concerns at the time etc etc). If his schedule truly is flexible then present him with a schedule that you've worked out that makes things more even in terms of child care duties, and ask him for his input.

As for your work situation: If you cannot drive and there is no way for you to change that situation then you are indeed reliant on buses. As an initial matter you can/should try to get a job that allows you to work from home. It also sounds like you may benefit from trying to figure out ways to be self-employed. What skills do you have?? Are any of them suited to a self-employed job?? If not, what skills would you need to learn so you could be self-employed?? There are loads of jobs out there at the moment - the question is whether you have the stomach for some of them. In terms of minimum wage/lower paid jobs: there are LOADS of carer jobs out there - and many of them have adjustable hours and can be extremely flexible. They are crying out for those kinds of workers at the moment, which means you would have far more ability to set your hours and expectations. Identify whether there are care homes near you and go from there. If you don't want to do care work or similar then what skills do you have and what do you want to do?? Most schools need teaching assistants: those are school hour and term time specific and require next to no skills whatsoever other than a clean DBS check and base level GSCE grades. If, for some reason, you don't have those GSCE or equivalent grades then it would be definitely worth your while to get those grades.

Good luck - try to work on other stuff that you have in your control: A positive mental attitude, communication skills, being a problem solver and coming up with solutions rather than just problems, and presenting yourself as someone who is great to work with rather than someone who is negative/difficult to work with etc etc. If you struggle with any of those things there are lots of resources online that can help you, and books etc at the local library.

Codlingmoths · 26/06/2025 05:03

Another one saying my husband would be told very clearly that he now had this list of parenting tasks to do, including with 2 weeks of leave in the summer where he is responsible for the children and there would be several days of this every term holiday from now on too. Other tasks will be: looong list…

Zanatdy · 26/06/2025 05:05

Your DH should be doing his share of drop offs and taking AL in school holidays, why are you just accepting he does so little with his own DC?

abracadabra1980 · 26/06/2025 05:06

Fatiguedwithlife · 26/06/2025 03:50

You’d be better off financially and emotionally if you left the lazy bastard

Agree 100%

babyproblems · 26/06/2025 05:36

Your husband your husband DOES have to worry about the kids- change that shit now. Honestly!!!

Learn to drive.
Don’t accept another job that is 5 days in the office.
best of luck to you xx

Nopersbro · 26/06/2025 05:40

They're not his children, right? Even if he doesn't have children himself, surely he's around yours enough to see how much work there is in meeting their daily needs and supporting their routines, and to visualise how this would be considerably more complicated if you were out of the house with a potentially long commute on public transit? Is it possible he resents your children (and maybe also your not driving) and this is his way of expressing that?

Have you laid it all out for him (even though it probably seems like you shouldn't have to?) If so and he's still minimising your concerns, can you decline to engage with him about it? Vent to a friend or family member or on here, and just tell him you've already explained why you're having trouble and don't want to go into it with him again.

On a side note - I've telecommuted for years and I think there are actually fewer 100% remote jobs than there were before COVID, even though that doesn't intuitively make sense (and definitely varies by field). What I am seeing is a lot more "hybrid" jobs which will require you to come into the office sometimes, and to live close enough to come in. These may be an option as while they don't completely eliminate the commute, they give you a lot more flexibility and time at home than 100% on site jobs.

dewfirst · 26/06/2025 05:55

Mumsnet LTB rules apply here.....

4thcoffee · 26/06/2025 06:17

By any chance do you live rurally?

Moonnstars · 26/06/2025 06:22

As he is the one with the car why has he never been involved in taking the children to school?
It sounds like he is quite flakey with switching jobs and not worrying about anyone else. I think you need to make it very clear to him that actually you want to work but can't and he needs to be more involved in the household as he is part of it. It sounds very much like he is an outsider/lodger who just comes and goes and not actually part of the family.

I am sorry you have been made redundant and wish you well in finding something.

thepariscrimefiles · 26/06/2025 06:30

He has no bloody idea how hard it is because you have done all the work juggling your job and your (I presume joint) children. You also do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry and child care. All he does is get up and go to work. Everything else just miraculously happens around him. How dare he just take random days off for himself when you need to use all your annual leave for when your children aren't at school.

Tell him that this cushy arrangement ends here. He either pulls his weight with the house/children or you will rethink your marriage. Don't take his advice about the sort of job you should take. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Groundhedgehogday · 26/06/2025 06:44

Why can't your H do the school runs, or make dinner, or do laundry?

Sorry you've been made redundant, it's happened to me and it's gutting.

Disneydatknee88 · 26/06/2025 06:55

Thanks all for your responses. To clarify a few things. Yes they are his children. He leaves for work at 7am (works in cardiff) so he isn't around for the morning school run. Then he comes home about 5:30 depending on traffic so again, not around for pick up. We relocated to Wales almost 4 years ago from England. Wrap around childcare here does not exist. Breakfast club starts at 8:15 and after school club at kids schools ends at 5:15.

I don't drive because I never learned. Now we cant afford it. Its like £50 per lesson! When we first moved here, he had a job lined up, I quit mine and it took me 3 months to find this one. We burned through our savings. We just bought a house in April so have no savings this time. His salary won't cover all our bills so I need to find something. It really is the worst timing.

I'm so worried about how we will cope financially while i look for work and worried about the prospect of finding a flexible job. As someone said above, I didn't care about previous job being mimimun wage because it afforded me to work around the kids. Once you factor in commuting and childcare/holiday clubs, wfh saves us a lot of money. So it isn't as simple as just accepting any shit paying job. It still has to work around kids.

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 26/06/2025 06:56

Brandyb · 26/06/2025 01:15

Why doesn't your husband have to factor in working hours around the kids? Why does he get random days off and you don't? Why does he get to drive around and you have to take the bus? I can't understand this setup.

This!!!

sweetpickle2 · 26/06/2025 06:59

Then it’s time for him to step up and look at how he can change jobs, or change hours, so he’s around to help.

You’re meant to be a team OP, this isn’t purely your problem to solve.

But agree with PP who say you’d be better off leaving him.

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