DH has no idea how this feels?!

[Disneydatknee88]

I've just been made redundant. I've wfh for the last 5 years and honestly, I'm dreading the idea of going back to the office fulltime.

Dh chops and changes jobs as and when he feels like it. He doesn't have to factor in working hours around the kids. He drives so he can go wherever. I don't. I'm very limited to whatever bus route is available. I've always planned all of my annual leave around half terms. He just takes random days off through out the year to do whatever he wants.

Before the pandemic I was working 5 days a week in the office. Walking the kids to breakfast club, bussing it to work, coming home and walking to pick them up at 6pm and putting the dinner on for everyone as soon as i stepped through the door. Chores to follow. Stress and mum guilt was prevalent. I don't want to go back to that.

I'm freaking out about finding a job that fits around the children, that i can reasonably commute to via bus. DH made a comment about how easy it should be for me to find a job because I've been minimum wage. Sorry. No. Everyone is fighting for minimum wage jobs, even shit ones because they are unskilled. He says ah just work in asda, it pays the same. So I should accept any low wage job? Whether it works around the family or not? He has no bloody idea how hard this is.

Both of our wages go into a joint account and bills come out of there. We set up a standing order to our personal bank accounts of an equal amount for personal spending. He does earn more but doesn't spend more.

Because I've wfh for so long, I just have always looked after the kids during the hols. I take time off so I can actually do activities with them during half terms and not shoo them upstairs because I'm in a meeting. It really annoys me when he just takes random days off to himself. He's like ah you can do that too. Can I?

as a side note You don’t need money to learn to drive.
me and ex h taught both our children and they passed first time having had no ‘professional ‘ lessons. Your dh could teach you

If he flies around and changes jobs frequently then he needs to do it again to one where he can pull his weight. The number of important men on mumsnet with their very important man-jobs never ceases to amaze me. Why do they think that they have zero responsibility for parenting?

😂 he walks the dog and puts the bins out. What a superstar he is

He sounds awful OP. He’s happy to let you care for the children while you’re working in the holidays so he can take days off just for himself.

Does that sound like someone who loves and respects you?

He's home at a decent time, I'd get a job in the supermarket in the evenings and leave him to dinner time, homework & bedtime.

I totally get that day to day school runs can be difficult depending on jobs but there's no excuse for not doing his share at home and definitely no excuse for not taking leave in the school holidays.

Worth asking if anyone has heard of any firms hiring on your local Facebook page. Some jobs are still recruited for by a poster in a window that someone may have spotted.

You do t have a husband you have a man child.

School is 15 min walk so not far. I couldn't work in childcare. I love my kids but have no patience for anyone else's!

Could you be a TA?
And I think your husband needs to do more!

Can you sit down with pen and paper to work out how much you need to earn - your days seem v long and if only getting min wage can you do pt until DCs can walk to school themselves or train for a better job in the future.

Good suggestion. I’d look at all the local authority jobs in the area.

So absolutely nothing. And probably makes a big deal about that

why? Why does he do nothing and then just tell you to get a job? He can’t be earning a great amount if you need your minimum wage job

He's been getting away with murder here. It's unfair on you, I'm sorry

That completely makes up for everything else then! You’ve got a good one there don’t let someone else come along and snap him up 🙃

Don't just search in your area. I was on indeed last week as my sil now has an illness where she can't physically do her job she's been doing anymore. I put in option for remote working in the UK and alot of wfh jobs came up. There is alot of telesales/call handler wfh jobs. Many of them were above minimum wage. Good luck.

Thank you. I've had a look for remote jobs and although it shouldn't matter my location, having done a wfh job I know there will be some requirement to travel to the office for meetings/training on occasion so still need to factor that in. I will keep looking.

8.15-5.15 should be enough wraparound childcare to fit in a full-time remote role if needed but also to fit in your husband’s work and commute if he pulled his finger out and made a flexible working request or changed jobs to something better suited to family life and your location.

Stop being passive: he says you can take random days off, and you organise all the holidays. You need to tell him he CAN’T take random days off, he’s got X amount of days and there are Y amount to cover, usually leaving a deficit filled by holiday club. What’s he playing at?!

Could the useless fucker teach you to drive so it’s more affordable? In any case as he has the driving freedom for now, he needs to compromise on what job he does, as you’re tied to public transport.

For reference, what normal men do: I’m about to apply for my old boss’s job but was fretting about going up to 0.8 and still managing some school runs. DP’s immediate response: “I’ll ask if I can change to 7-3 on my WFH days so you can do the longer shift you wanted to, I’ll do pickup, and that leave you free to do the shorter days for pickup on my commute days.” Instant support to make my work work for me. Just doing dogs and bins is shitbag behaviour, why on earth are you putting up with this?

your main problem, which all the little problems stem from, is that your husband is selfish, nasty and horrible. Your marriage isn’t equal, you’re not a team nor a partnership. I’m sorry for you that you didn’t realise that before having kids with him (not a judgement, often hidden).

he’s no use to you is he in terms of bringing up children. You do it all. He’s nasty to you and doesn’t support you. Have a look in to how you’d be financially without him.

Start with the driving. He can teach you and you can study for the theory bit yourself. Once you’ve passed your theory and can drive if you need to you can take a few lessons for confidence before the test. You can take your test in your husbands car (Nb he will have to drive you home though because the insurance needs adjusting the moment you pass). Once you’ve passed and can drive the whole landscape changes.

If a classroom assistant/TA type job doesn't appeal, definitely look for an evening job so DH looks after the children while you're at work - he owes you a good few years of this by the sounds of it and as he works regular hours, you don't have the problem of fitting around his shifts. Any pubs, restaurants etc where you are?

Also look on civil service jobs - many can be remote/hybrid. Pay is low - many admin staff are on NMW, but it comes with a pension, sometimes fixed hours and there can be opportunities to progress. You might also be able to get evening work within the civil service as many helplines are open outside office hours.

And definitely look at learning to drive - perhaps you can earmark your redundancy payment towards this?

How old are you children?

rural?

Learning to drive really is a priority in your living situation. It costs less than £500 to insure yourself on your DH’s car and get him to help you. Pay for a couple of lessons to get you going.

How old are your children now?

As you are redundant his job is obviously more important for now for your family income, but as you said he chops and changes a lot, is it time he started looking for a new one that fits around his share of looking after his children and supporting you with your career now? Surely it’s your turn to find something that fulfils you without being dictated 100% around your kids (and husband).