DH has no idea how this feels?!

[Disneydatknee88]

I've just been made redundant. I've wfh for the last 5 years and honestly, I'm dreading the idea of going back to the office fulltime.

Dh chops and changes jobs as and when he feels like it. He doesn't have to factor in working hours around the kids. He drives so he can go wherever. I don't. I'm very limited to whatever bus route is available. I've always planned all of my annual leave around half terms. He just takes random days off through out the year to do whatever he wants.

Before the pandemic I was working 5 days a week in the office. Walking the kids to breakfast club, bussing it to work, coming home and walking to pick them up at 6pm and putting the dinner on for everyone as soon as i stepped through the door. Chores to follow. Stress and mum guilt was prevalent. I don't want to go back to that.

I'm freaking out about finding a job that fits around the children, that i can reasonably commute to via bus. DH made a comment about how easy it should be for me to find a job because I've been minimum wage. Sorry. No. Everyone is fighting for minimum wage jobs, even shit ones because they are unskilled. He says ah just work in asda, it pays the same. So I should accept any low wage job? Whether it works around the family or not? He has no bloody idea how hard this is.

Umm unless you live and work somewhere where it makes no sense to drive?? I’ve lived in London all my life and never had a job with any sort of parking so even if I could - I wouldn’t drive to work. Same at the weekend, everything is on transport and I’ve never needed it on holidays (city breaks, or I book group tours if rural, or all inclusive where transport is provided) Why all the expense for something I’ll never use? Bit unnecessarily judgey

He doesn’t get it because he’s never had to juggle it all. You’ve built your whole working life around the kids, the schedule, the gaps—he just picks and chooses. Tell him you need proper time to job hunt, and that from now on, he needs to cover some pickups or plan his leave around school too. This isn't just your load to carry.

This is what hits me. Of course it’s hard if he is not pulling his weight. At all!!

Are you able to say something to him?

This is a problem you both have to solve. His salary, for such long hours away form home, and not pulling his weight at child care and domestic duties is not enough frankly. If you were saying you were comfortably off, could afford driving lessons etc then that’s easier to reconcile…but he is not earning enough for the sacrifices you are making.
so he needs to increase his wage too. The Cardiff job is potentially leaving you isolated. He needs to be looking too at improving his prospects and getting work with shorter commute and more flexible timing so he can do some of childcare drops.
in meantime I’d strongly suggest taking a loan to get driving lessons. I know that sounds daft, but this is investment for your career and your kids. As much as anything your dh should also be taking you out driving for practice, both to get enough hours in to practice and build confidence, but also to keep costs down.

in meantime take whatever you can in terms of work, but make it conditional on that job salary with dh that driving lessons are mandatory now to give youfelxibiblty

you are not only sacrificing your earnings abailty at the alter of your dhs “my job is more important becuase I earn more”, you are setting yourself up to be in that position when you retire…entirely dependant on state pension and completely stuffed. You need to seriously start working out a career plan so once kids are less dependant you can move out of zero hours gig stuff and start earning a decent salary and pay into a pension.

your dh must support this. To enable you to do training and learning for a better career , learn to drive and whatever else is needed to give you a more secure future, and build your families wealth overall.

he also needs to stop fannying around re his leave. ALL of his leave should be at school holiday bar say 5 days that he holds back for emergencies. That would cover kids sick leave, emergency situations at home etc. the rest is taken as a family holiday (even if holiday at home) or he’s covering childcare alone while you’re working. That’ll keep down expensive child care costs.

if your dh won’t do this. If he continues to act like a single bloke who won’t make change to support his wife, kids and generally work as a team and make compromises, frankly you need to think about your future. Your resentment will grow over time by him holding you back with his selfish “my career comes first”. If the marriage breaks up then you’ll be even worse off. Better to think seriously now, if he refuses to do the above.

youneed to have a long think about what career you do want. Dont undersell yourself. Go back to education in whatever hours you can spare, even in evenings once he gets home. Don’t let him dictate that you’re only deserving of a low wage, low regarded, throw away job. You are capable of more than he thinks you are.

School based jobs would pay a full time wage equivalent - and the OP doesn’t like kids beside her own. That’s not an option.

Oh the entirely predictable ‘oh I live in London so don’t need to drive’ poster has arrived. They invariably pop up on any thread that mentions the need to be able to drive.

What stood out for me here is that there is no sense of team work. You work around the kids and do all the house stuff too. He…does want he wants when he wants. That’s not a partnership, it’s living together but having separate lives. I do think you need to speak to him about this and if he really doesn’t get it, think about what you need and deserve. It makes no sense at all for you to be tying yourself in knots while he breezes through life.

His response confirms what a selfish deluded avoidant parent he is.
I hope it works out.
Sounds like you have sacrificed a lot following a waster.

Have you thought about applying for Teaching Assistant roles @Disneydatknee88
.
They aren't very well paid but they do suit people who need to work around school holidays.

Advertised on school websites or a website called Green Sheets.

This thread is obviously just made up twaddle although well done for using the phrase 'bussing it' - a great reminder of my younger days

on the off chance it's true try sensee recruitment my ds has an interview on Monday he applied and did online tests yesterday. Fully remote but you need your own pc etc - not great reviews either tbh but needs must in the meantime

@Disneydatknee88 call a recruiter - my husband was in the exact same position - works similar "low skilled" admin work, has no degree and only a few years experience, prior to covid he worked in coffee shops - he was made redundant three weeks ago - got a new admin job literally the same day - starting three days later.
He is now WFH three days a week, and his office is in our local town - on the bus - you can do it!

Also tell your husband to pull his bloody socks up you can't do everything by yourself!

OP I have sent you a DM with a link to a company I have worked alongside for years that is fully remote call centre - you don’t even need to go in for training.

Not relevant to your current question but if you are interested in learning how to drive when back on your feet I have the number for a Cardiff driving instructor who’s £32ph. Definitely not £50!

This is going to sound harsh but its tempting to think if you can make the other person understand how you feel, they'll come round to your point of view.
But its not true. He has no interest in your feelings. He has things set up the way he prefers - he has you running ragged, you're dependant on him, and he gets to put you down with stupid comments.
Instead of spending any effort explaining it to him, make plans to improve things for yourself, and don't explain them to him.

What's the point of the deadbeat husband?
The kids will think being a slovenly misogynist is normal, aspirational. That women are for serving men

Does she? Why does she deserve more than this? On what evidence?

Even if she's a horrible person, she still deserves her partner and the other parent of her children actually parenting and doing their fair share in terms of the home/family.

I'm not sure I get your point. In what circumstances would someone NOT deserve that?

Do you like dogs/able to offer dog sitting at your home. You may need a licence but there is huge demand for this in my area and the charges seem like you could make really good money and work it around family life/being at home.

It's what I would look to go into if I had to change careers

That’s exactly the point. If you don’t drive you live in London or another big city. You don’t move to rural wales FFS!

OP assuming this is real, why can’t you work evenings or weekends until you’ve passed your test (DH can sort kids and drop you off?).

OP he needs to recalibrate his thinking. If you get a job where you have to leave at 6:30 what is he going to do?

I have this problem too. My husbands well paid but I do most of the above. Its hard! Im just about to be made redundant and I'm scared. Im looking at any job really that's local even minimum wage. He does however help and do pickups when he can and has time off to be with kids in holidays. Im not good at discussing things with my husband as he never seems to understand and I get too frustrated lol He can't put himself in other people's shoes. I'd definitely at the start of each year sit and plan his holidays to help it doesn't sound fair at all. In my case I'm the low wage earner now, which wasnt always the case, so I've become stuck. I believe it's common as in divorce settlements they consider wage/career sacrifice. (Not that I've looked into it 🤣)

Christ why do women put up with these shit men. If he was earning enough to support the family fine (well not really but doable); but if his income still requires you to work full time, why the hell does he have zero responsibility for all the other duties of the family???

You have a DH problem. Tell him he either has to step up at home so you can go out to work, or step up at work so he can afford for you to devote yourself to the household. He doesn't get to check out of everything.

I agree 100% xx 👍

Yes it is time to change this "arrangement" more in OPs favour.