DH has no idea how this feels?!

[Disneydatknee88]

I've just been made redundant. I've wfh for the last 5 years and honestly, I'm dreading the idea of going back to the office fulltime.

Dh chops and changes jobs as and when he feels like it. He doesn't have to factor in working hours around the kids. He drives so he can go wherever. I don't. I'm very limited to whatever bus route is available. I've always planned all of my annual leave around half terms. He just takes random days off through out the year to do whatever he wants.

Before the pandemic I was working 5 days a week in the office. Walking the kids to breakfast club, bussing it to work, coming home and walking to pick them up at 6pm and putting the dinner on for everyone as soon as i stepped through the door. Chores to follow. Stress and mum guilt was prevalent. I don't want to go back to that.

I'm freaking out about finding a job that fits around the children, that i can reasonably commute to via bus. DH made a comment about how easy it should be for me to find a job because I've been minimum wage. Sorry. No. Everyone is fighting for minimum wage jobs, even shit ones because they are unskilled. He says ah just work in asda, it pays the same. So I should accept any low wage job? Whether it works around the family or not? He has no bloody idea how hard this is.

Thank you for everyone that has commented. I took a short break when the troll hunters showed up. I'm not very thick skinned so did take it to heart. Thanks to those who stuck up for me. It is a shit situation and I feel bad enough already. I'm not in the valleys. I'm in bridgend. The bus and train links here are fine! I'm not in the wilderness. I have looked for Cardiff jobs but most of them are not central Cardiff so it's a train plus 2 buses and a walk. Something will come up. The job market is just tough right now and feeling very overwhelmed. It probably is time I got my daughter walking to school by herself but she is the baby and I'm so overprotective of her. I don't know what to do during hols as I can't leave her home alone. We probably have enough savings to cover our shortfall over the summer and then it's crunch time. I feel so bad for her. I didn't have a great relationship with my mum so I'm trying to be present. I don't want to disappear into a new job and suddenly leave her to her own devices if that makes sense?

I've only read your posts, OP, so don't know if anyone has mentioned cleaning jobs (holiday lets & domestic)? Always better than minimum wage & often pretty good hours to help work round school etc.

You sound like a good mum who's kids come first. I'll make no comment about the manchild who lives with you 🙄 ;)

Your husband is leading a charmed life thanks to you.

How about setting yourself up as a child minder. The lack of before and after school provjsion might be an opportunity for you. Look into what you'd need to do to get started.

Your husband also needs to be told in no uncertain terms that his lifestyle needs urgent reassessment because the assumptions he's currently operating under are not working for you.

The problem with cleaning and carer jobs is that a car is often needed to get to clients.

Yes, he's so responsible that he changes job frequently and made the decision to move the family to Wales meaning his wife had to leave her job.

He also operates under the assumption that any job his wife gets will work around his schedule amd he won't have to change a thing about his days to facilitate her ability to earn money for the family.

Responsibility looks slightly different in my book.

Might sound a bit of a long shot but if you can get to Cardiff City Centre (Lived in the Marriott for 3 months many many years ago) If I remember correctly Cardiff Football Stadium is very close to the town centre /railway station.
If you can find out which agencies supply the hospitality staff at the stadium there is usually fairly regular work there. There is the football events possibly conferences/company events and exhibitions etc and concerts

Even if you only work the weekend shifts and dh looks after dc. Sometimes you can do the equivalent of 24 hours over a Saturday and Sunday

It might not be what dh wants you to do but he must have realised when he moved you to Wales that jobs would be scarcer and if his new job didn’t cover his old jobs wage and the wage you had to give up then things were at some point going to hit the skids.

I would be asking him what he thought was going to happen and why he thought that things were going to work out.

Dont know where you were before but I would be looking to return to the old area or moving to somewhere you can both get a job.

If anything he needs to step up or ship out. If he wants the single life then you are best selling and going your separate ways and you moving to a place where jobs and childcare aren’t so scarce

Yes, the only time that it might be acceptable for him to have total freedom from contributing to making things work with home and DC is if he actually earned enough to comprehensively cover all their financial commitments so the OP didn't need to work or could stick to school hours TTO.

He doesn't, so he needs to do his share of the juggling to facilitate the OP working too without having to be two places at once all the time.

Wishing you the best of luck OP, your dh sounds like a selfish git. You need to show him this thread so he can see how his behaviour is affecting your family unit. Fingers crossed for you. Xx

This .

Sorry yes, you are totally right. You need to be able to lug the stuff around too. Maybe a local pub or old ppl's home or even the school? At least that way OP doesn't have to take her own kit.

I agree with so many others, OP, you've too much much pressure on you cos the husband isn't carrying any himself.

Please please negotiate now with DP to share duties. He can request flexible working so he can do all school drop offs or all pick ups. If not then you do them but he takes off all his annual holidays with the kids so you can work fewer hours to allow you to do all school runs.
He will have to stop all his fun days off, or you agree to have same number that he has.
He needs to share cooking and cleaning too.
Make things more equal while you can, use this redundancy to have a lot of relationship spring cleaning. Set your job prospects high and insist you both work round the kids.

If he thinks it so easy then he should go and find a job that fits around the children. It's much easier for a driver to get around so he should have no problems at all.

No advice, just sorry you're in this situation. I'm being made redundant after working from home for five years, which has been a godsend with DS, and will be looking for work in the Cardiff area.

It's a shit situation to be in. Good luck!

Do you need ro work? If it's just min wage, can you not make do on just his wage?

Hello 👋
You sound quite down about it all which sucks and you sound like you do pretty much everything. So it may be time to make some changes and say 'well actually you need to bring more to the table then taking the bins out and paying some of the bills' and show some respect to me for raising our children and doing everything else.
So perhaps say Fridays is my bath and wine night while you cook and do the bed time routine with the children. I'll have my tea you cooked with you all as a family then I'm popping to my friends or for a walk or a swim or a new group.
Work wise, what do you like ? Find something you love and make a business from it. So if your organised and enjoy cleaning. Set up a cleaning and companion and decluttering business, my friend Sophie did this. Insurance was £98 and you have a set time before you have to register self employed. She did one advert on Gumtree and one on Facebook and is turning around customers.
She walks a lady to a cafe on a friday where she lives and helps her write letters to her grandchilding in Australia, cleans in the week and made contact with all guest houses in the area and when their staff are on vacation she goes in to help, she declutters and honestly has the keys of 27 homes and cant take on any more clients. 2 free adverts.
You will be ok and how your feeling will pass. Its thinking outside the box 📦

Hope all works out.

If I were you I would be giving him a little bombshell and a big wake up call as he thinks it's so easy for you!!!! I would book a spa away or a little two night middle of the week stay somewhere with a friend or family member. whilst the children are at school. And let him know that if he thinks its so easy he takes full parental responsibility for those days and nights. And you do what he is able to do regularly. And actually do it. Don't feel bad for the kids he is your husband and their dad. Do not be tempted to help. and tell him that if he wants to offend you this badly. He can do what you do for a few days. Watch that ignorant man mess up, forget things, struggle, have to rearrange things, be late for work and suffer for a few days. Don't be at his call or just a text away. However hard. Because they are his children too he should know exactly what needs to be done ( he won't) but he will have to very quickly learn. And if that isn't enough to shake him into reality and appreciate you as his amazing wife more. Then you have a long hard think. Because you are doing life on your own anyway. Remember you are amazing! You are capable and you are a better mum than you believe. Never let your crown slip. And do not continue to allow yourself to be so disposable and disrespected. Your wage does not define you. You are so much more than that and capable of amazing things. Never let someone drag or stamp you into the ground. You deserve happiness just as much as you provide it for your family, keep your chin up and it's time to enforce some firm boundaries otherwise nothing will ever change.

Can your 16 year old walk her to school?

Is he your husband of your master? You've got a job on your hands with him, never mind your children. You need to sit him down and explain, clearly and simply that for you to work outside the home and to cover the bills, he needs to do his bit. Why can't he get a better paid job, or work longer hours? Why is it you who has to stretch both ways, kids and work? What does he suggest to cover school holidays? This is not solely your problem.

Jeepers creepers the amount that jump on the band wagon..I see this from a totally different way. You say he earns a lot more and happily puts it in the joint account for bills etc, he also works very long days for his family. Your kids are not tiny and should have there own chores at home at that age, you should be looking for a full time job and not making excuses as to why you don't drive etc.Currently your home alone for hours every week doing what while your hubby works hard every week and takes the odd day off here and there. Cmon be fair if your were contributing half half money then fair enough but you can't have it all ways.

Learn to drive. It will open up the jobs market. Husband can teach you. Once you've learned & have a new job, leave him.

Hrft but I think your DH sounds a bit crap TBH, but perhaps not unusual.
Look at NHS jobs, like reception work, they are often relatively flexible and most band 2 or 3 jobs don't need many skills or experience.

I'd consider taking a job with school hours and then a weekend job so shit DH gets to look after kiddos.

Happy to help with applications, there's a knack.