Head teacher is a ****

[Parentingisnotfortheweak]

I need to know if I’m just being an asshole parent or if I should further a series of complaints….

after a particularly hard morning trying to get 2 kids (5 and 6) to school, whilst feeding animals, getting myself ready tested me. Youngest refused to get dressed so I did it for him! I had unfortunately put false nails on the night before, and whilst pulling his jumper on (in a rush!) I scratched him. There was no mark, there was no immediate crying. He told me I hurt him- I apologised. We moved on. However once he got to the school he decided he was upset and blanked me. His teacher asked if he was ok, and he told them I punched him in the face!!
head teacher immediately called me at work and threatened me with social services BEFORE asking what the actual scenario was. I was understandably upset so she asked me to come in for a meeting.
I attended - it was like a bloody counselling session, and towards the end she called both kids in and he admitted he lied and I hadn’t punched him but it was an accident. Headtezcher agrees this was all a misunderstanding and will not be reporting me!
whilst I agree that these incidents need looking into - because a child could genuinely be in danger, surely to threaten a parent with social services immediately before investigating is absurd and damn right cruel? (For the record I have never had any involvement with SS, but have heard horror stories so naturally as a parent it worries you!)
she promised me that she would finalise the paperwork an email it over- that has never come.

fast forward 6 months to sports day (I was unable to attend) we were asked to fill out online forms for free school meals so that they could have a packed lunch from the school kitchen. I filled it in for both kids as I knew I wouldn’t be going so wouldn’t be sat with a picnic for them to join me with! BOTH of my children (and various others!) were not provided with lunch- and when approached by a friend of mine twice, the head teacher laughed it off and told her it was the parents fault as they hadn’t filled In the form. - she let both children go hungry after 3 hours of sports!
I immediately sent an email asking for clarification as to what happened and she shot me down saying it’s my fault end of. I explained and she ignored the email for a week. So I re emailed and said I was still waiting- she told me she would facilitate a meeting if needed- still not answer. So at this point I requested the paper work from our prior meeting- which she assured me would be with me by the end of next week (this week now).
I collected my children today to say they were both called into the head teachers office (alone) and were questioned about how happy they were at home and what their mum gets up to at home!!!

AIBU to think wtf?! why are they being questioned AGAIN?!

Yes And it’s not the OP either

As usual, first comment nails it…

Interesting that you think I’m the problem? Im
nit saying I’m not- would just like to know why?

im not saying you’re wrong? Would like to know where I’ve gone wrong though?

This sports day wasn't yesterday by any chance? Only because ours was and there was a huge mess up with lunch orders so wondering if same school?

Although I'm slightly confused - all infants age get free school meals with no form needed.

Schools do have to be hypervigilant though.
Tbh I wouod be most annoyed with my child for lying that I had punched them, this is ultimately what triggered the whole thing

it was the parents fault as they hadn’t filled In the form. - she let both children go hungry after 3 hours of sports!
So the parents hadn't requested food, so there was no food provided.... but that's the schools fault, not the.parents who didn't request food?

No it was last week! But anyone who gets free school meals was asked to request a meal if their parents weren’t attending, so I did!

I would write to the Governors about this, it’s not acceptable to instigate an investigation and to not provide the paperwork. I would also let them know that children, not just yours, were left without food. I would keep to the facts, and not bring in the HT attitude as this can fall into a you said/they said argument.

Head teachers are answerable to the Governors who should hold them to account

Op says she filled in the forms requesting lunches for both children

She did request the food.

Op you have done nothing wrong.

I'm not sure why posters are so nasty. There's a thread running about reading comprehension on mumsnet which is ringing very true.

sorry if I didn’t make it clear- I did fill in the forms for both of them!

I filled it in for both kids

Seems clear to me.

You were very clear, no apology necessary

Me too. But it seems some people on here just want to troll

Re the punching allegation - I think the head probably had to deal with it seriously and safeguard if necessary and the starting point must be to believe the allegations so this one seems OK.

Leaving any child without food would piss me off but I’m confused as to what happened - did you
actually fill in the form or somehow not do it? Did they expect ones who didn’t need a lunch would have a packed one? What happened with the other children who didn’t get food, had they filled in the form too or not? Did they actually know in real time that these kids had no school lunch and no packed lunch?

Unsure why your kids got spoken to this week but given their propensity to say things that aren’t true, are you sure their account of what they were asked is correct? Are you sure there was no incident or allegation that led to the conversation? Don’t go in all guns blazing and just ask what happened with an open mind.

Apologies- I missed the last bit!
I agree they have to be hyper vigilant, and I’d be so sad if an actual incident of child abuse had happened and not investigated. It was the threat of social services BEFORE the initial consultation with me, the parent.
me, and the HT both sat with him and had a proper conversation about implications of lying etc

Im surprised at the first responses

She sounds awful! I'm so sorry.

I'd focus on building community with other mums and putting absolutely everything in writing with her

Have you got a husband? If so, get him to deal with her in future, in writing, I'm sure he'll be more respected 🙄

I've got zero trust for teachers tbh - its so easy to say 'they are underpaid, we should hail them as heroes' but they're just people, and lots lie or manipulate or even pick on kids

Yanbu x

Edit - the threatening social services was bullying and heavy handed

The head sounds chaotic. I agree you should write to the governors, laying your email out in date order so the delays in response are clear. Did the school tell you about today's meeting with the head, or your DC? If the latter, it's reasonable to ask the head to give you an account of the meeting, its purpose and any next steps.

You did make it clear, some people are just idiots making up their own interpretation of events.

you did nothing wrong, I’d get in touch with governors

I completely agree that the head had to investigate,and have no qualms with this. It was the threats BEFORE the investigation. But having never had any involvement with any SS etc it was scary. After our initial chat it was deemed untrue- and if the school wanted to keep an eye on things in case of further allegations then absolutely fine! I want my children to be protected.
ref the forms- they were definitely filled in. And I had ‘receipts’ to prove. As did the other parents that children were denied food. However each and everyone of us was shut down and blamed for not doing it despite having proof. All I wanted was for her to say ‘we messed up - I’m sorry!’ We are all human, and we make mistakes, things get forgotten, and I can forgive mistakes if they take ownership- which didn’t happen?

I agree with the track record of saying things that didn’t happen- but this definitely happened (my eldest confirmed and she discussed in kids terms what was asked etc)

Waste of time. Follow the complaints procedure, which is on the school website. Governors would be wrong to get involved until that is done.

Jesus H Christ - perhaps the first few posters are head teachers and can’t believe a head teacher could be an arse! Although it is concerning if said posters are head teachers and have such a low level of reading comprehension.

Obviously the school would need to address any issue reported by a child but it sounds like this was carried out very badly.

If you completed the relevant form and it was ignored by the school, then it is outrageous that your children were not fed during sports day.

If the children were called in, it may have been to ensure their wellbeing before being happy to send out the paperwork relating to the earlier incident. However I completely understand how you might perceive it as an attempt to catch you out now you have raised a further issue with them.

The children have their whole primary career ahead of them. If relationships have broken down, it may be best to consider moving them. Or it may be wise to schedule another meeting where you may be able to have a frank conversation with the head and come to an understanding.

Communication is key - a message we should all take onboard, read carefully, speak carefully, listen carefully.

I’d make a formal complaint. You need to put it an email and specifically use the words “formal complaint” or they’ll brush it under the carpet. There will be details of the complaints procedure on the school website. It usually goes 1) class teacher 2) head teacher 3) governors, 4) ofsted or council depending on the nature of your complaint. A complaint about the headteacher would go straight to the governors. There should be an email address to do this on the website. If you wanted to start a bit more gently you could try doing the complaint to the headteacher first to give her a chance to fix things.

YANBU. It sounds to me like she’s mentally put your family in a category of “type” and is acting on what she thinks she knows about this type. A headteacher will likely have dealt with some awful excuses for parents at some point, she seems to be prejudiced by this.

If you can prove you sent the email that would be an easy win to open your complaint with as it proves you right and the school wrong on that. Then you can address the issue of the previous incident. Be very careful to stay calm and stick to the facts. Whatever you do don’t resort to personal attacks. You need to keep hold of the moral high ground. Don’t give them any excuse to accuse you of being unreasonable.

Unfortunately the complaints procedure doesn’t actually explain the procedure! I have sent a perfectly pleasant email to the school office asking for an updated version of this procedure since this one includes contact details for the old head teacher (who left 2 years ago!)