Head teacher is a ****

[Parentingisnotfortheweak]

I need to know if I’m just being an asshole parent or if I should further a series of complaints….

after a particularly hard morning trying to get 2 kids (5 and 6) to school, whilst feeding animals, getting myself ready tested me. Youngest refused to get dressed so I did it for him! I had unfortunately put false nails on the night before, and whilst pulling his jumper on (in a rush!) I scratched him. There was no mark, there was no immediate crying. He told me I hurt him- I apologised. We moved on. However once he got to the school he decided he was upset and blanked me. His teacher asked if he was ok, and he told them I punched him in the face!!
head teacher immediately called me at work and threatened me with social services BEFORE asking what the actual scenario was. I was understandably upset so she asked me to come in for a meeting.
I attended - it was like a bloody counselling session, and towards the end she called both kids in and he admitted he lied and I hadn’t punched him but it was an accident. Headtezcher agrees this was all a misunderstanding and will not be reporting me!
whilst I agree that these incidents need looking into - because a child could genuinely be in danger, surely to threaten a parent with social services immediately before investigating is absurd and damn right cruel? (For the record I have never had any involvement with SS, but have heard horror stories so naturally as a parent it worries you!)
she promised me that she would finalise the paperwork an email it over- that has never come.

fast forward 6 months to sports day (I was unable to attend) we were asked to fill out online forms for free school meals so that they could have a packed lunch from the school kitchen. I filled it in for both kids as I knew I wouldn’t be going so wouldn’t be sat with a picnic for them to join me with! BOTH of my children (and various others!) were not provided with lunch- and when approached by a friend of mine twice, the head teacher laughed it off and told her it was the parents fault as they hadn’t filled In the form. - she let both children go hungry after 3 hours of sports!
I immediately sent an email asking for clarification as to what happened and she shot me down saying it’s my fault end of. I explained and she ignored the email for a week. So I re emailed and said I was still waiting- she told me she would facilitate a meeting if needed- still not answer. So at this point I requested the paper work from our prior meeting- which she assured me would be with me by the end of next week (this week now).
I collected my children today to say they were both called into the head teachers office (alone) and were questioned about how happy they were at home and what their mum gets up to at home!!!

AIBU to think wtf?! why are they being questioned AGAIN?!

School did the right thing in terms of safeguarding potential child abuse. I don’t really understand your second point. You filled out a form for packed lunch and the kids weren’t giving them, then your friend said the teacher laughed and blamed it on the parents not filling out the form correctly? Well you weren’t there so you don’t know this happened. Why didn’t you ask the school why the kids didn’t get a packed lunch? You seem like you’re just looking for problems and you have issues with your child lying and purposefully getting you into trouble, my priority would be teaching the child not to lie about punching him in the head.

My friend, who attended sports day, asked the head teacher twice why my children weren’t provided with a lunch- as they sought her out during lunch, crying that they had no food. Both times she said oh well the parents must not of filled in the form- this was confirmed not only by my friend, but various other parents who were in the same situation (they had popped in from work for the lunch which I unfortunately could not do). After getting various accounts from parents and my own children , I diplomatically asked the head for an explanation. To which I was shot down and told it was my fault, despite me sending proof that I requested a lunch for both children.

I wouldn’t say I was ‘looking’ for problems. But I appreciate your take on things.

I can’t believe a primary school would leave a child without food for the day if they knew they had no lunch with then. It would just never happen in my kids school.

Unfortunately I’m a working single parent. So it’s all on me. I have every faith in the teachers at the school- every single one of them are engaged with the children, they know them all individually and quite frankly are wonderful with them. It is the head that is throwing a spanner in the works. I just needed to know if I was being ‘that’ parent or if my frustration was justified.
i don’t begrudge the school being on the ball looking out for safeguarding issues- I welcome them, it’s the manner it is dealt with.

The school does sound badly organised. The teacher handing out lunches wouldn’t have known if you’d filled the form out though. Presumably the forms go to the office who pass numbers to a kitchen?

I would be concerned that both of yours had gone astray.

Regards the punching incident I’m guessing it’s because it’s a very aggressive and specific thing for a young child to say.
Most kids that age wouldn’t have any idea that mums would punch their kids ( or anyone else for that matter ) in the face.
Where did the idea come from?

I’m confused by several things in your post and want to clarify a few more.

Firstly, it is a concern and a safeguarding risk that a child is lying about being abused. That alone, even if untrue, is very alarming behaviour - and a report was probably made. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent or person, there could be many reasons. But it’s not usual behaviour for a five year old to tell malicious lies for no personal gain.

It is also odd for a child of that age to refuse to get dressed, then decide not to speak to you… it raises red flags.

Secondly, saying that they may/will contact social services isn’t a “threat”. It’s not an attack on you - although it feels like it. They have to follow procedures and make reports in certain circumstances - it’s the law. And a report to social services doesn’t mean that you have done anything wrong, or even that they genuinely think you have.

Thirdly, the Head may have been unable to send you paperwork afterwards if someone else stepped in and said not to. The Head may not be the DSL.

The Sports Day/lunch issue is odd. You say that only the children eligible for school lunches had to fill out the form but all children are eligible for school lunches at that age.

I know you filled out the form but was there an error or anything? Not loaded? Submitted but incomplete?

When your friend raised that they had no school lunch, did she just walk off when they said no? What was the actual interaction? If she had a picnic with her then they may have thought she would share something with them?

I actually know the lady in the kitchen- and she informed me today there were at least 20 children without food that day due to miscommunication between the office and the kitchen. And to be honest, it’s passed now, they’ve since been fed, I’d just like a simple ‘ we messed up in sorry’ but it’s not coming.

absolutely agree that it is quite the accusation- and I welcome any investigation into such a story, because for all they know it’s true! But to threaten me with social services before they have even discussed the ‘incident’ with me seems absurd! At least have a chat with the parent(s) and then discuss further steps.

I'm glad thay you've an otherwise good experience with them

I'd just leave this situation tbh, see if she responds. Keep going girl, its tough but at least you know that aside from her, the kids are safe and happy x

YABU

Safeguarding exists for a reason and technically the head could have made the report without any discussion with you so I would be thanking them that they gave you the chance to explain.

The thing is though, you're told in safeguarding training that you should be totally upfront at the start of any conversation that you may have to refer on for safeguarding reasons. It's not recommended for you to have the discussion and inform the person they're going to be referred part way through. You're supposed to be transparent from the very start. Depends how it's said, of course- when you say 'threatened', what language was used?

So some kids were left without lunches and had no food the entire day, so from 9-3pm? Why didn’t these parents take it up with the class teacher on the day it happened? Surely at least one teacher or TA could have arranged for food to be made for these left out kids. If I was one of the parents who kids had no food I wouldn’t just stand by and not say anything, I would asking where on earth the was, the children could have fainted due to not eating all day and then running around. What did the class teachers say about this or even the TAs?

Or even any secondary school.

The head should have accepted she made a mistake and apologised in regards to the food. Honestly if you can’t trust the head to acknowledge a simple mistake, what can you trust the school with?

20 kids apparently, the school have a duty of care to provide lunch to those that have free school meals. I can’t understand why the parents who went and found out their kids didn't have food didn’t do anything. The class teachers would have known but nothing was done…

@Parentingisnotfortheweak

Complain in writing to the Governors - that's all bloody outrageous- especially letting small children have no lunch whatsoever!! I work in a Primary School & we'd NEVER allow that! We'd call home & either ask for a family member to drop off a packed lunch or order them a school meal & chase payment afterwards. As for the ridiculous threat of Social Services based on an unexpected comment from a child who they have no reason whatsoever up to that point to suspect is at risk. Awful. Just awful.

She shouldn’t leave it as it goes on the record and builds a picture for social services. Therefore it’s important the correct process is fol’owed

OP I would chase up and let her know that you will be going to Governers/ OFSTED - whatever the appropriate route is - if the school does not provide the report promptly. As her handling of the situation is a safeguarding concern and.needs to be addressed. Make sure you keep records of every incident with your children and all your communications with the school.

I would also file a formal complaint about the school not feeding hungry children. Even if you hadn’t filled in the form (which you did), the school should have fed the kids. That is a big red flag about their attitude to the welfare of children in their care.

These are two separate issues, safeguarding and neglect from the school.

safeguarding issue - school was doing their job

Not providing 20 kids with a packed lunch- so letting them starve all day for six hours or more, then sports day - running around in the heat is neglect. Why aren’t the parents kicking off about this? Why aren’t the class teachers being held accountable? They could have arranged for food to be provided, I wouldn’t trust the school after this if I knew they intentionally let my child go hungry for six plus hours and didn’t provide some sort of lunch. I’ll be complaining about the school to Ofsted and the local council.

Oh fair enough, I think leave it and wait and see how things progress but I dont disagree with you

(It comes across like its just op raising the issues re the sports day, which is why I thought it best to liaise with other parents but not email further)

Thank you for raising this- I have on many occasions discussed with my child’s teacher about his vivid imagination- and any time an ‘issue’ has come up the teacher will always clarify with me, or vice versa (one example- children in his class were trying to climb the perimeter fence to ‘escape’ school because the teachers were all being mean to them’) I asked the teacher for an explanation and it was given that the teachers had asked them to come in after lunch and they all ran off! - no maliciousness, so ulterior motive. He just expands his stories. So anytime he tells me a story I take it with a pinch of salt until I learn the facts.
it is quite normal for my child to refuse to get dressed. He lives by the seat of his pants , and whilst completely capable of getting himself dressed, sometimes, as a single parent trying to get to school and work on time, you take matters into your own hands and get them dressed.

agreed, this may not of been a personal threat- but based on her actual words before speaking to me officially- she said I am reporting you to social services. No disussion, no chat with the children, except for the first comment of ‘mum punched me’. And I know the laws, and the necessity behind it and I welcome it, but please speak to the parents before and get the full story. And then make necessary arrangements. If she did not feel I made a satisfactory argument to the incident and decides to report me- I would welcome it to prove that it was untrue- although it would be scary.
thw fact that she said no further action would be taken and she appreciated my honesty- and paperwork would be with me shortly to finalise this.

my friend did raise it- but also didn’t have a picnic with her, because she wasn’t actually meant to go- but attended on a whim as she had a cancellation and therefore time to go- so no she couldn’t feed them- however if it was a planned visit she would of absolutely taken food and fed them if she knew she would be there!

form was definitely filled in- and evidence to prove. Headteaxher chose to ignore that, along with the other parents that were in the same situation and complained after they found out like myself.

What exactly did the Head say to you about SS? In my school, if a DSL / Deputy DSL needed to phone a parent up regarding an injury or a disclosure a child had made, we would explain at the start of the conversation that we may need to contact SS. All conversations and outcomes would then be written up on CPOMS.
You can ask the DSL at the school for your DCs COOMS record.
I don’t get about the sports day though. Why do you have to fill in a form for food when your DC are entitled to a free school meal anyway?

Thanks for your time going through that OP. I think, with the punch situation, you’ve got to try and keep in mind that abusive parents lie - and lie convincingly. They don’t pick up the phone to school and go “ah yeah, decked him one this morning cos he was pissing me off”. The discussion with you forms a very small part of the investigation. Often social services reports are made without any discussion with parents and most parents would never know they were reported.

What did your friend do when they said no? I’d be extremely unimpressed if a friend knew my two children had no lunch, was right there and didn’t kick off or do something about it! Do you have more information on how the actual interaction progressed?

I think the “single parent” aspect may be part of the problem. Not saying it’s definitely the case, but there is a lot of prejudice. I’m happily married to a husband with a nice respectable job and was able to be a SAHM when my kids were early such years. I know I got treated better than some of the other mums in different situations. It shouldn’t happen but it does.

I work in a pastoral role in a school and, regarding your social services question, that is exactly the protocol the school should follow if a child has alleged abuse or an assault of any kind - they should be letting parents know they are contacting social work and then following through with that. The school/head teacher DO NOT have any type of investigative role with this type of issue and an allegation of punching (or hitting or similar) is a child protection concern and must be taken seriously.
The other issues, regarding lunch and the lack of communication, the school/head teacher are in the wrong here.

Thank you for this, I will request the information from the school. When I answered the phone to her, her words were ‘we have had an incident reported to us and I am reporting you to social services’. I immediately became upset because I had no clue what the incident was as it sounded a lot more serious than what had happened that morning.
she then said ok, if you can come into the school and discuss it, we might not have to go down that route.

The school kitchen was ‘closed’ for the day due to sports day, so the school requested that we fill in a google form to request packed lunch for those who’s parents won’t be attending so that they could provide the correct number of lunches.

@ConfusedSloth yeah the friend just choosing to accept that some kids hadn’t ate anything all day doesn’t sit well with me. Apparently op said it was 20 kids, why didn’t the parents do something? At least go the shops and buy some food? Ask the teachers for food, just anything instead of letting 20 primary aged kids starve for 6 plus hours.