Head teacher is a ****

[Parentingisnotfortheweak]

I need to know if I’m just being an asshole parent or if I should further a series of complaints….

after a particularly hard morning trying to get 2 kids (5 and 6) to school, whilst feeding animals, getting myself ready tested me. Youngest refused to get dressed so I did it for him! I had unfortunately put false nails on the night before, and whilst pulling his jumper on (in a rush!) I scratched him. There was no mark, there was no immediate crying. He told me I hurt him- I apologised. We moved on. However once he got to the school he decided he was upset and blanked me. His teacher asked if he was ok, and he told them I punched him in the face!!
head teacher immediately called me at work and threatened me with social services BEFORE asking what the actual scenario was. I was understandably upset so she asked me to come in for a meeting.
I attended - it was like a bloody counselling session, and towards the end she called both kids in and he admitted he lied and I hadn’t punched him but it was an accident. Headtezcher agrees this was all a misunderstanding and will not be reporting me!
whilst I agree that these incidents need looking into - because a child could genuinely be in danger, surely to threaten a parent with social services immediately before investigating is absurd and damn right cruel? (For the record I have never had any involvement with SS, but have heard horror stories so naturally as a parent it worries you!)
she promised me that she would finalise the paperwork an email it over- that has never come.

fast forward 6 months to sports day (I was unable to attend) we were asked to fill out online forms for free school meals so that they could have a packed lunch from the school kitchen. I filled it in for both kids as I knew I wouldn’t be going so wouldn’t be sat with a picnic for them to join me with! BOTH of my children (and various others!) were not provided with lunch- and when approached by a friend of mine twice, the head teacher laughed it off and told her it was the parents fault as they hadn’t filled In the form. - she let both children go hungry after 3 hours of sports!
I immediately sent an email asking for clarification as to what happened and she shot me down saying it’s my fault end of. I explained and she ignored the email for a week. So I re emailed and said I was still waiting- she told me she would facilitate a meeting if needed- still not answer. So at this point I requested the paper work from our prior meeting- which she assured me would be with me by the end of next week (this week now).
I collected my children today to say they were both called into the head teachers office (alone) and were questioned about how happy they were at home and what their mum gets up to at home!!!

AIBU to think wtf?! why are they being questioned AGAIN?!

So assuming the kids were spread across say 5 classes, 5 different “wonderful teachers” had four kids in their class who didn’t get any lunch and did nothing about it. That’s a stretch for even the worst schools I know of never mind a school filled with “wonderful teachers”.

No- as mentioned earlier one child said ‘I wasnt hungry anyway’ to diminish it.

Op, take a look at the best practice guidance for schools https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/keeping-children-safe-in-education--2

They decided after talking to your child and you that a referral to SS was not appropriate, but what your child initially said and what they later said , what you said and the rationale for not reporting must be recorded.

If the HT told you she would send something then she should have sent it. This is all part of good communication and having integrity, doing what you say you will do.

The phone call phrasing coud have been less "threatening". They could have said We're concerned at an allegation made by your child and we may have to report this to social services.....

The business about the sports day "blame it on parents" sounds worrying to me. Even when you provided evidence to the HT. Again part of being pofessional is being accountable. If a parent were to fail to provide food for a child, even once, that would be neglect.

I think its not unreasonable to chase the record the HT said she would provide and its definitely not unreasonable to ask for the sports day failures to be further investigated as to what went wrong, to make sure it doesnt happen again. This is all part of acting in best interests of all the children affected, surely.

Neither schools nor head teachers should get a free pass when challenge is appropriate, and in this case, it clearly is.

Agreed- factually though- it is from reception to year 6- so 7 year groups as it is a whole school event. So that probably makes things worse- however as I previously said- I am only going based on my experience- so my friend stood up for 2 children across 2 year groups- I couldn’t possibly tell you what happened with the other children/parents complaining of their hunger- due to the fact that my friend approached the head directly rather than the teacher and it was not resolved. The actual number of children is based upon speaking to parents after the event.

Thank you, I really appreciate this.

I don't feel bad about the rubbish lunch because that is what they get for forgetting - kids don't mind, to them it's just lunch and if we have enough staff (often can't because it messes the ratio up) we send them down to coop with their keyworker to choose a meal deal which they are always super excited about. I don't think the consequence for forgetting should be that your kids go hungry though, I feel like it is my responsibility to ensure they get fed if the parent forgets - we all make mistakes occasionally and I care enough about the kids I work with I'd share my lunch before I saw one get nothing - if you would sit there eating yours while a child in your care had nothing you SHOULD NOT BE WORKING WITH CHILDREN! Sorry this happened to you I think everyone in the school who was involved in this in any way sucks. The kitchen has food, so wack out 20 jam sandwhiches and the fact that no one did this shows they do not care for these kids and I'm so sorry because they should.

And the child had told staff he had been punched.

As an ex-teacher, I can tell you we had to report both sexual abuse and physical abuse to both SS and the Police on several occasions.

Sometimes warning parents can have worse consequences or give them the chance to cover things up.

You are bloody cute!! And this is the reason you care for children! You shouldn’t HAVE to share your lunch but if it came to it you would! I salute you!! As a parent- I unconditionally love my children and do my upmost for them- but people like you come along and care for them when you don’t HAVE to , you CHOOSE to! Thank you- for everything you do for other peoples children! You go above and beyond. You recognise that sometimes people forget things- you don’t judge them for it, you help them to not do it again. I truly hope you are recognised at work for what you do- and if you aren’t I appreciate you xx

I think you are lucky they have not had to experience a truly shit school.

Nothing would surprise me to be honest - some environments can become so toxic and chaotic that teachers who would have spoken out in any other environment, no longer speak up or become desensitised to the madness.

In my primary school, one of the teachers was always inappropriate and handsy with the kids (boys in particular). Basically hiding in plain sight - us kids thought he was weird but the other teachers treated his behaviour like a harmless quirk. That is, until he was convicted of child sex offences and we learnt of it watching him on the 6'o clock news. Next day at school one child tried to ask the headteacher about it in assembly, and wanted to know what a pedo was. We were told not to ever mention that teacher's name at school again. And that was that. Swept under the rug.

The other teachers were mostly ok people, but in a rubbish environment which allowed for the small number of awful teachers to get away with negligence and/or downright abuse. It only changed when my friend's mum took the school to court after her child was verbally and physically assaulted by a teacher, who then made him strip down to his underwear in front of our class to humiliate him. This teacher always behaved like that (she'd grab my friend by his tie and throw him against the wall whenever she got in a rage), but was also very clever and manipulative with other teachers and parents so would cover her tracks well. But this time she made the mistake of being caught by my friend's mum who had just by chance come to pick him up early that day and found him half naked wandering around the playground to retrieve his uniform (teacher had thrown his clothes out of the window). The thing is, his mum had never believed him before because he was quite naughty and the teacher's behaviour was so farfetched that his mum thought he was making stories up just to avoid getting in more trouble at home!

All that to say, it's not that implausible.

Thank you for your insight- I did say previously this was all new to me- it just felt odd that that was the procedure, and I was happy to accept I was wrong if it was the done thing. After thinking about it more (outside of my little box and considering other children that it may be happening to) I appreciate that it is a necessity, but on this individual case I feel it could of been handled better - more so clarifying what paperwork she would be filling in and where it should be sent. I was under the impression it was almost an ‘incident’ report that would detail the meeting and outcome and next steps (I.e keep an eye on children, communicate with mum/escalate id other reports). I guess im
slightly aggrieved because it has taken around 6 months for this paperwork to appear- and that was only because I requested it after a further problem at school. And since I requested this paperwork- the kids have now been pulled in for a chat- if I hadn’t of requested it- the kids wouldn’t of spoken to her- and therefore if there was a further problem at home it wouldn’t of been noticed until around 6 months later?

When was this?

I do not understand why your DC would lie and say you punched him in the face to a teacher. Something distinctly odd about that.
Also I don't understand why someone with young children who also has animals to look after would wear false nails.

Your attitude seems quite dismissive and worrying for a headteacher.

A parent following up on a serious safeguarding incident and wanting to be kept informed of the process is not demanding. A parent complaining about her child not being fed is not demanding. And even if it was demanding, it's well within a teacher's remit to manage the situation by following the proper procedures with due care to all individuals involved.

It doesn't matter how many children a headteacher is managing - that is not an excuse to let standards slip nor a reason to see an understandably concerned parent as a "problem".

I am a current teacher and DSL. The amount of work that would previously have been done by social services and the police that is now pushed on to schools is enormous.

If a child reports that their parent has punched them in the face, with no other context, social services would be asking the DSL to probe further with the child and the parent. They would expect the parent to be informed of the referral. They would close the case with no further action if the school did not gather further evidence.

I had a recent case where a child reported that his parents hit him all the time. Social services advised us to question the child further. We were still concerned and referred to social services, who told us that we must inform parents. Services conducted a child and family assessment, where the parents denied everything. Case closed with no further action. This is not an isolated or unusual case. School staff have witnessed physical abuse and the child went home with the perpetrator, because social services conducted an assessment and saw no further evidence of abuse.

Did you fill the forms in BEFORE the deadline though? They would have had to order the food in at least a day or two in advance
Also if you got a receipt, it sounds like an automated system which has a glitch. Hardly the headteachers fault!

i also do not understand why my child who was close to 5yo but the youngest of the class (I could of deferred him a year but then that’s another story!!) would over exaggerate a story because he was simply pissed off that his mum asked him to get dressed within a timeframe - and when it didn’t happen his mother got him dressed to stop them
from being late?! I also don’t understand why anyone would want to wear false nails when they have other jobs to do? My false nails are simply stick ons are very short- so why should have them? I don’t have to change nappies- my animals only require me to feed them- I don’t have to change litter trays. And in actual fact- I only had short false nails to stop me biting them- which I have now accomplished- and my natural nails are now longer than my false ones! Should I bite them all off and have raggedy ann nails for the rest of my life to prevent me from accidently scratching my child if god forbid I have to get them dressed if they were unwell?! Or my cat decides to sit in my lap and I scratch him with my nail when I’m stroking him?!
there are definitely bigger things in this whole story- and to pick on someone for having false nails is definitely not one of them!!!!

With regard to the safeguarding incident, they won't really know for sure whether the child was telling the truth when he made the accusation or when they withdrew it, so they need to keep a close eye on them. I am not sure whether yu are allowed to see records of incidents where you are the accused. But to be honest it does not sound like you have even made a SAR yet?

I appreciate your insight I really do! I guess it the lack of communication that is the issue here. If they truly thought I was a danger to my child(ren) then please report me, and the situation can be handled with the SS, school and the home environment.
it was the fact that it was deemed as ‘oh we won’t report you in this occasion’ not exact words but you get the jist! And now suddenly questioning the kids because I’ve asked for the paperwork that I was promised months ago! To me that says ‘oh crap I didn’t fill it in so I better go speak to the kids because it was 6 months ago and I honestly can’t remember what was said’ .

im sorry for what you have had to experience in your job, and I’m sure those children that you have stopped this happening to will be grateful- eventually. I know it won’t come immediately but they will remember it.

Granted this was in the 90s. But it was my school experiences that taught me to take what my children say about incidents at school seriously until proven otherwise - and to not assume that teachers/doctors/any professionals will always do the right thing.

Last year, one of my children was a victim of a serious incident at school, which the school denied and covered up. They said my child wasn't being truthful, since if such an incident had occurred a report would need to have been filed, and no such report was in their records. I only uncovered the truth by investigating myself and speaking with other parents. Turns out there was a longstanding problem which several parents had complained of over a number of years.

More recently, a club coach told a disabled child (in front of all the other kids), that they were going to die as a result of the disability - apparently in order to "build resilience". I overheard as was sitting in the session while my child was doing a trial session, and complained on that child's behalf to the club and let the child's parent know at pick up so they could follow up on it. There were 3 other staff present who also heard what the coach said but who didn't step in or say anything at the time.

Absolutely nothing surprises me.

No you’re right. I haven’t made an SAR, I was simply told by the Ht that she would emails me the ‘strengths and need’ paperwork, and no referral would be made. I have no qualms about people keeping an eye on my children- that is what they are there for- but if I am told basically no further action- why are they then called in again with no communication to me- their parent? And also to add it was only tje HT and the child in the room (my eldest was made to go down to her siblings room to collect and bring him to office. No other staff there- just one child. The HT and her dog?!

@Parentingisnotfortheweak Don't get me wrong - I agree that something seems amiss with the incident with your children. You're right that they should have been keeping a closer eye in the last 6 months if they had any concerns that the hitting incident may be true. You may be right that the paperwork was not done at the time and he is doing it now (I don't really understand why he was doing the strengths and needs, given no referral was made).

As for lunches, if they were truly offered nothing, then that's not good enough. To be honest, if you want to make a complaint, make it about the lunches, because not offering any food to children for the whole school day is not ok.

But the 90s are very different to regulations now. It was over 30 years ago. I understand teaching your kids to look out for behaviours that you were exposed too but it’s not as easy to get away with this bad behaviour unlike it was 30 years ago. Hence the HD calling a meeting about safeguarding.

I agree - but my comment was in response to the disbelief that a school could let 20 kids go hungry, and that it simply wouldn't happen because at least one teacher would have spoken up.

It's true that the safeguarding procedures need to be followed, but the way the school is handling it, coupled with the lunch incident, is a bit of a red flag. If I was OP I would keep a record of everything in writing and make sure both issues are dealt with properly and not just swept under the rug.

The first one imo is fair enough, though it depends how it was said. I'm a mental health nurse, and if a patient with dementia, for example, told me their spouse hit them (which obviously isn't always true with dementia) I would have to advise that I'd be passing the concerns on to social services, though I usually explain it from the point of view that it's about making sure everyone is safe and that I have a statutory duty. People should be told about safeguarding if safe to do so, but also it doesn't matter what the alleged perpetrator has to say sometimes, because professionals are mandated reporters when it comes to vulnerable adults and children. You are though of course entitled to request the notes from the investigation.

The sports day thing obviously sounds ridiculous and sounds like a case of the head not wanting to take accountability for a fuck up.

I hate this bloody line.