Head teacher is a ****

[Parentingisnotfortheweak]

I need to know if I’m just being an asshole parent or if I should further a series of complaints….

after a particularly hard morning trying to get 2 kids (5 and 6) to school, whilst feeding animals, getting myself ready tested me. Youngest refused to get dressed so I did it for him! I had unfortunately put false nails on the night before, and whilst pulling his jumper on (in a rush!) I scratched him. There was no mark, there was no immediate crying. He told me I hurt him- I apologised. We moved on. However once he got to the school he decided he was upset and blanked me. His teacher asked if he was ok, and he told them I punched him in the face!!
head teacher immediately called me at work and threatened me with social services BEFORE asking what the actual scenario was. I was understandably upset so she asked me to come in for a meeting.
I attended - it was like a bloody counselling session, and towards the end she called both kids in and he admitted he lied and I hadn’t punched him but it was an accident. Headtezcher agrees this was all a misunderstanding and will not be reporting me!
whilst I agree that these incidents need looking into - because a child could genuinely be in danger, surely to threaten a parent with social services immediately before investigating is absurd and damn right cruel? (For the record I have never had any involvement with SS, but have heard horror stories so naturally as a parent it worries you!)
she promised me that she would finalise the paperwork an email it over- that has never come.

fast forward 6 months to sports day (I was unable to attend) we were asked to fill out online forms for free school meals so that they could have a packed lunch from the school kitchen. I filled it in for both kids as I knew I wouldn’t be going so wouldn’t be sat with a picnic for them to join me with! BOTH of my children (and various others!) were not provided with lunch- and when approached by a friend of mine twice, the head teacher laughed it off and told her it was the parents fault as they hadn’t filled In the form. - she let both children go hungry after 3 hours of sports!
I immediately sent an email asking for clarification as to what happened and she shot me down saying it’s my fault end of. I explained and she ignored the email for a week. So I re emailed and said I was still waiting- she told me she would facilitate a meeting if needed- still not answer. So at this point I requested the paper work from our prior meeting- which she assured me would be with me by the end of next week (this week now).
I collected my children today to say they were both called into the head teachers office (alone) and were questioned about how happy they were at home and what their mum gets up to at home!!!

AIBU to think wtf?! why are they being questioned AGAIN?!

I would be really annoyed if my daughter's school didn't feed her, like even if somehow it was my fault how can they happily leave a child hungry?! Our school would never let a child go hungry.

YANBU to complain at all. If she had just admitted they fucked up it would be fine but the fact she's trying to blame you is ridiculous.

So It wasn’t a threat at all, it was a truthful, valid comment designed to inform you of the current situation and make you take the matter seriously and discuss it straight away, as they were obliged to.

I'm the same.
I do know and appreciate all schools are different and that my world is not the same world that other mners inhabit, but I just can't believe this would happen.
They'd at least get a sandwich or a bowl of cereal

The punching accusation- fair enough

I can't imagine my kids primary leaving kids hungry even if parents hadnt requested lunch. Our school has a cupboard of none perishable food incase of emergencies.

Surprised they didn't just order lunch for all the free school meal kids - would have been smarter.

Some children who weren’t fed had parents with them, and some didn’t, so had nobody to advocate for them. My friend approached the head once and she said she would look into it but it was likely the parents were at fault - the second time was when the parents were ‘kicked out’ after lunch- she was approached again after reappearing to explain and was told it was the parents fault categorically. And kids taken back to class.

it was perfectly clear

a lot of people on here are really quite stupid

20 children (or even 1 child) being left without lunch is totally unacceptable and would never be allowed to happen in any of the schools i've worked in. As you've contacted the HT about this and you're not satisfied with the response it would be reasonable to progress this to a formal complaint.

The safeguarding issue is not as clear cut. I am a safeguarding lead in a school. Firstly, you don't "report" a parent to social services. You refer a child/children to social services. It's not a "threat", it's a protocol. When schools make a referral they're not making a judgement or an accusation of wrongdoing, they're simply sharing information and social services decide if its actionable. It is not the job of school staff to "investigate", it is their job to notice, identify concerns and pass them on to social services if appropriate. A child reporting that their parent has punched them is very serious and the HT was right to follow this up. She was also correct to be transparent with you from the start of your conversation that they may need to make a referral to social services, this is what school staff are trained to do. It's not something you pussyfoot around, or drop into the conversation midway through. Once your child retracted the allegation the HT decided that a referral was no longer needed at that point in time, but I would fully expect them to continue to monitor very closely any child who has made such an allegation, even if it was retracted. This may explain why your children were spoken to and asked whether they are happy at home, which school staff have every right to do and I can assure you these conversations can be instrumental in the protection of children from abuse and neglect. They can also help to reassure staff that there is no neglect or abuse taking place. When a child makes an allegation but there is no evidence so social services can't intervene, they will often specifically request that a member of school staff regularly checks in with the child, asks them how things are at home, if they have any worries etc. This is all very standard.

I am a little confused about the HT promising to share "paperwork" with you following your child making the allegation. You say she decided not to make a referral to social services, so that paperwork wouldn't have been completed, and even if it was these referral forms are not supposed to be shared with parents. So i'm not sure what paperwork she would be referring to. All safeguarding concerns are internally recorded but these records would not normally only be shared with parents if they make a Subject Access Request. Was it simply a promise to email you a written record of your conversation? If so that's reasonable and you should have recieved this if it was specifically promised.

To me, this still doesn’t make any sense. Even in 6th Form, if a student tells a teacher they forgot their lunch or don’t have money on their lunch card (or whatever), the school sort it out.

I just don’t understand how dozens of adults - parents, friends and teachers - all thought it’s ok for infant-aged children not to have lunch because their parent forgot to fill out the form. Every sports day and school trip, several parents will forget, the children don’t go hungry. Even if the Head has said “they didn’t get the packed lunch because the form wasn’t filled out”, is she fully aware that they didn’t get any lunch?

There are simply too many people involved in such an outrageous incident who supposedly stood by and let this happen.

Well exactly, hence why she should make a formal complaint. It's on all of the teachers and the head teacher.

Thank you to all of you for your input- it does seem that maybe I was a little OTT regarding the threat regarding SS. having never had any involvement with them, I did not know how this process works. After our first meeting regarding the incident the HT did say she would send paperwork to me- again I didn’t know it was ‘official’ stuff, I thought it would be details regarding the meeting and that was it end of (of course they would still be keeping a watchful eye at school for any further incidents).
since I have requested this promised paperwork - she has called it the ‘strengths and needs paperwork’. I am unsure what that means?!

What you’re saying also makes no sense, because you understand it fine, you just don’t believe it could happen because you personally have never experienced it. And that’s a dangerous belief tbh.

tbf many people probably read MN on the hoof from one appointment to another - I know that I do.

Exactly. Despite people asking why didn’t the friend do anything or the other parents or even teachers she still hasn’t explained why no one did anything… I highly doubt this happened, if that was my child or just a child in general this happened to, believe me I would be kicking off.

Thank you for this, I will request the information from the school. When I answered the phone to her, her words were ‘we have had an incident reported to us and I am reporting you to social services’. I immediately became upset because I had no clue what the incident was as it sounded a lot more serious than what had happened that morning.
she then said ok, if you can come into the school and discuss it, we might not have to go down that route.

That makes no sense, it’s not for the school to investigate or have discussions with parents about child protection concerns. It’s unethical to suggest to a parent that if they come in and discuss an allegation they might avoid social work involvement. Parents lie all the time about what happens with their children, social workers are trained, equipped and legally responsible for investigating child protection concerns, it’s not a matter for the safeguarding lead to use their discretion.

My friend approached the head once and she said she would look into it but it was likely the parents were at fault

It really doesn’t matter who was at fault, you feed the children and sort it out later.

I don’t believe this happened at all. The 20 kids this happened to would be asking where their food was to their teachers or parents or anyone in general and you’re saying not one of them adults did anything to help provide food? No teacher would stand by and let this happen.

You'd like to hope not but stranger things have happened.

since I have requested this promised paperwork - she has called it the ‘strengths and needs paperwork’. I am unsure what that means?!

Early Help. You were offered an Early Help Assessment.

Regarding the packed lunches, here's my guess: children could choose what they want on sandwiches. Those who didn't choose got given cheese sandwiches (or insert other disliked filling) that they didn't want.

As the complaint involves the head and the head can't investigate herself, the published complaints policy is likely to state that if the complaint is against the head, the first port of call is the governing body.

Of course they would. Teachers aren’t saints. Many are great, many are not, many are somewhere between the two.

It definitely didn’t happen. You think the other parents wouldnt have complained? You think the teachers would just stand by and watch? I suspect op is still pissed about what happened about her son lying about being punched in the head and the HD calling her in, and is now creating stories to garner support despite people agreeing that the school was right to do what they did. People on MN have a habit of expanding the truth.

The allegation - no they are not supposed to investigate and use their own judgement before reporting it, rightly or wrongly they could get into trouble for that. They are supposed to go straight to social services.

The sports day food thing - yes that's awful and awful they suggested it was your fault for not filling in the forms when you did.

I highly doubt they would put their job on the line over something like this. What’s the parent’s that were there excuses? Let me think? Some are good and some or bad? Do you even have kids?

Im going to disagree with some of these comments. Absolutely such a child saying their parent punched.them needs looking into but there are ways to approach these things. Calling out of the blue and saying I'm reporting you to social services is going to make even the most Saintly mother panic and and actual abuser clam up and start making moves to cover themselves and hide the abuse better.

Also I hate that social services is used as a threat, it makes people who could genuinely use support refuse to contact them. Yes there are horror stories but also amazing staff who kill themselves to support families and keep them together. I hate that some places use them as the boogy man to keep parents in line. There are many better ways to handle that and a head teacher should know better.

In regards to the lunches, i do think on a hot day l, doing sports to be left without lunches is terrible. Even if it was the parents fault they should have found a solution. But it's made worse by the doubling down on the lie even in the face of evidence. How can you trust them?

OP I'd write a polite but firm email asking for clarification on their complaints procedure by x deadline. If it passes forward that email asking again with a shorter deadline (create a paper trail). Then submit a formal complaint keeping all emotion out of it and just the facts including missed deadlines for callbacks etc. get someone impartial to read it over before you send.

The Head was in the wrong re the 'punch', but honestly what they did wrong was threatening you with SS rather than immediately reporting it.

Most schools will air on the side of caution and report immediately with no heads up to parents.

The food issue sounds like a misunderstanding, in fairness.

The only thing I find odd is the further grilling of the kids.

Do you think the Head has you pegged as aggressive? If so, she is literally doing her job in speaking to them to try and gauge if they are OK.

Schools can get into real trouble if they miss issues at home.