I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

What does he say OP?
Personally I wouldn't make a choice based on what other people will think, not a choice like this.

Your husband passed 2 years ago
You are both single
You are happy together
The Kids like him

Don’t build you life decisions around how other people may / may not react. It’s got to be about what you want.

You have no idea how people will react.

Absolutely this. It’s nothing to do with them.

2 years is a reasonable length of time to start a new relationship. I would just tell them. You might find they're polite about it even if it wouldn't be their first choice.

You can have a relationship with anyone you like please keep your baby if you want it you deserve happiness, don't let a coercive controller control you from his grave!

And they should be happy a familiar person who loves their grandkids is around them rather than some random off tinder

You have been through a lot and you need to start being kind to yourself!

It’s been two years! People wouldn’t want you to remain single and unhappy forever. If you were my friend I’d be happy for you.

Start putting yourself first.

This. If your happy and the kids are happy that's all you need, you don't need others approval.

I don't really understand, your partner passed away two years ago were you expected to remain a nun for the rest of your life?

If this was a family member of mine I would be thrilled that you had found love and support with someone who is already so close to you.

It's been two years. That is an acceptable time. If you want the baby, having an abortion will be very difficult. People who truly care about you and your children will be supportive.

he Is happy, he has wanted to move foward for a while now and just wanted to freely be able to go about our business.

It sounds like you want the baby but are worried what your ex-in-laws will think. If they aren’t happy for you, that’s up to them. But you’ll regret making a decision to please them, and not you and your partner.

Its been two years, who gives a hoot what anyone else thinks! If you need permission here is your permission to go live a happy life.

I don’t think you’re stupid. I think you should do what makes you happy and don’t worry about other people’s opinions.

I should add I don’t think anyone expects me to be a single forever ! The person of choice will be the issue. It’s a very weird dynamic that maybe I let carry on because I felt sorry for them. They come around when they want, they ring daily.
they request information about schooling / medical stuff and seem to be an extension of our home.
they need dates for every sports day, plays and the rest of it.
they were best friends from school free up with eachother and he was his best man etc

Stop worrying about what other people think/might say and make decisions based on what you want. If you and your new DP want this child then that’s it.

So, say you abort…. Then there’s a fall out months later.
How do you feel? Knowing you aborted a child to keep them happy and they fell out with you over something else any way.

@Strugglingsoul19 if you and your partner want this baby do not let awkwardness pity and guilt pressure you into a decision you don't want to make.

From what you've written your position isn't that bad, You are fine financially. Don't have an abortion because other people might not approve of you having a baby. It's how you feel. In any case you haven't cheated on anybody. And your partner is happy.

Honestly, it sounds like you've chosen a great partner who supports your family and this is a blessing. I know someone who was a widower and then married a friend of his late wife's and it was well received and everyone was pleased they are both happy.

You mention emotional abuse. Are you almost fearful of how your late husband would react if he was still here? Do you think you would be fulfilling some of his insults if you were to find happiness with this person? Did he accuse you of cheating or going after other men? Or is it solely the reaction of the in laws?

Oh dear, is there a time that isn’t ‘acceptable’. That feels old fashioned.

My brothers wife died when he was young and he said he wasn’t going to date for a few years. However he met someone about 8 months after his wife died and really liked her. He asked my honest opinion and I said that he is an adult and she is an adult and that if they want to be together then he should go for it. It had nothing to do with his first wife. I thought it was a positive thing. My brothers first wife’s family were all happy for him too although he was mindful about them. Obviously he took his new relationship slowly, He is still close to his firsts wife’s family even though it was years ago. I’m glad no one was worried about what was acceptable or not.

In the event if an emergency put your own oxygen mask on first. What do you really want OP? Try and stop people pleasing your old inlaws and put you own future happiness first. Good luck OP.

I guess it’s not about it being ‘acceptable’ just that grief is different for everyone and there may be some worry that if it’s very soon after then that grief may have not been processed? So the person might not be in the right head space for a relationship.

Though that’s completely up to the person involved to decide and will vary for everyone. I would never judge and I don’t think anyone else should either.

Do not have a termination if you want the baby and love the man, I think this would be something you would deeply regret.
If your children’s grandparents object, well, over time they will adjust. It’s surely a good thing that the transition for your dc is so gentle, that this is a man they have known all their lives and who they also love.

Are you really considering aborting your baby because of what others might think? I'm sorry but that's utterly ridiculous. They might be happy for you and even if they're not, so what?