I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

I think that would be it for me. I wouldn’t see them as safe people to be around my children so I’d go very low contact with them. If I’m being honest I’d take great delight in tellling them they are no longer welcome around the children

They could try to go to court for contact but I don’t think they’d get very far. It would be very unusual for a court to do that

I would block her for now, she is just going to minimise and gaslight you and she is desperate for an argument.
She wants to keep you bound to the past, she is not interested in, what is best for the DC and if that means she re traumatised them all, over and over again, she will.
Your DC need peace from the trauma, they need to be able to be just children, they need protection from anyone who doesn’t have their best interests at heart. They need to hear your news from you and not get dragged into a malicious hate fest. If that means LC, then so be it because they are not safe people to be around your children.
Their GM is hellbent on ruining any future happiness for you all, she has elected her daughter, to be her flying monkey or triangulating her against you. It’s pure manipulation!
Her grief at losing a son by his own hands, will be extremely hard to come to terms with, but she needs to take responsibility of her struggles, she needs a grief counsellor or therapy. That’s not an excuse to keep hitting out and driving you all away though, nor can she keep trying to control yours and DC’s future.
After such horrific events in the past, it’s time to move forwards and your pregnancy is to be celebrated, a new life and new addition to your wonderful family. X

OP, kindly it’s been 2 years, you’ve done amazingly to rebuild your life and being in a new relationship is part of that. You deserve happiness and to move on.

yes your ex partners familt will be upset, but that’s because it’s a reminder that your ex is never coming back and that time moves on, which is very hard. But they shouldn’t begrudge you happiness and if they do they aren’t good people.

I hope you make the right choice for you and only you, sending love

Congratulations on your pregnancy 💖

Those messages are from a master manipulator. They so cleverly assume control and authority. I guess they're used to bullying you, and you responding passively.

Id be tempted to send a very short response. "Your message is disgusting. We won't be discussing any of this at any time "

You'll sound like you really do have it together and have a well thought through, considered and happy life for your children.

His parents reply shows they would rather the children have NO father figure in their lives than one who has known them for years and is clearly involved, bothered and loves them. They are fucking morons.

Thats convenient.
Stop responding.
Take space.
That denial is toxic.
Not good for your children to be around it unsupervised.

I don’t think it’s fair to keep bringing up your issues with “Jake” Jake's abusive behaviour especially since he’s no longer here to defend himself. Whatever happened between you and him he did to you wasn’t related to the way he parented, and it’s not right to discuss it every time the situation comes up. Yes, “Jake” had his struggles patterns of behaviour that were abusive we all experienced that—but the family has always supported the children. You mentioned that we know exactly what happened because George told us, but what you’re suggesting he's a liar and what actually happened goes beyond what he admitted. He only acknowledged locking the door. (Not going to edit this bit, but it's horribly hilarious that she thinks locking the f*ing door is, um, not that bad.) Since he’s not able to respond I think it would be best to let this matter rest. I will never, ever allow you to speak your truth.

Of course his abuse was related to the way he parented. They don't support the children, they attempt to control them. Goodness me I'm so glad you started this thread, OP. You have done so well to start to recognise the severity of their behaviour and to begin to put steps in place to protect your children from it.

Men like your late husband rarely spawn from lovely parents.

Cut ties. Move on with your life. Allow yourself some happiness.

Oh my goodness OP you have done nothing wrong at all !! You deserve to be happy and this man sounds like the perfect choice for your little family. Do you want another baby? If you do, you must keep it. It doesn’t matter one hoot what anyone else thinks, xxx

@Strugglingsoul19 Don’t let your in-laws derail you into a debate about what Jake did / didn’t do. You know the truth and it’s horrible to have that twisted by them…

…BUT it actually isn’t even remotely relevant to their demands regarding your new partner and the children.

Because the fact is that even if Jake had been the best and most loving husband and father in the world, your in-laws STILL wouldn’t have any right whatsoever to dictate to you over who you can form relationships with, who can be in the house with your children and who is allowed to stay overnight. The behaviour of the children’s father when he was alive makes no difference to your right to form new relationships now that he’s dead. We all know that your late husband was horrifically abusive - but even if he hadn’t been, you’d still have every right to have relationships after his death.

The only person who has the right to make decisions about your life and your kids is you. Your two biological kids are solely your responsibility and you can make whatever decisions you like about them. Your stepson is (I assume, from what you’ve said) under your legal guardianship and you can therefore make decisions about him too.

If your in-laws continue to harass you like this and attempt to exert control over you, would it be an option to see a solicitor and have your in-laws reminded that they have no right to make these kinds of demands?

The “ locking the door “ was him admitting what happened. I never alleged that the incident was him being violent. He locked me in the outhouse until I showed him “ I still loved him “ whilst our youngest at the time was left attended in the house who was not of any age to be left unattended for a few minutes. I had no way of getting out as he was much bigger than me other than to do what he wanted me to. Him admitting he locked the door was him admitting the incident happened !
Yes - I’m aware this was the moment I should have left but this was when I started making plans to leave.
to them this translates to he wasn’t well and he would never have carried out the threats if I had not gone ahead with it so it wasn’t forceful I should have realised he was in crisis.
the second incident was when I found out I was pregnant with “ Lola “ who she seems devastated won’t know who her father was. This night I called for help and had him removed.

omg im so sorry OP- I just read all your updates. Please stop minimising what he did to you- he forced you- that is violence. It is. Violence.

I agree with your D mother that you should cut contact with your former “in-laws” . They sound controlling, abusive and potentially dangerous based on what you have written here. You and the kids have been through too much to be exposed to these types of people.

Sending you love xx

Good for you OP. To keep it short the in laws are delusional, controlling asshats and I hope you stand straight up for yourself and your new family. 2 years is more than plenty time to grieve and a new relationship to grow, don’t let anyone tell you different. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of and are being used as a scapegoat for their failings. Ultimately you know how hard you worked to keep your ex alive and your family together, the ultimate decision was made by him when he had many other options available to him. Some people are not for this earth, nothing you can do about that.

congrats on the baby, you all deserve happiness go get it ☺️

Thank you -
kids are home in a few hours and we have “ lola’s “ BBQ tomorrow which they are now not attending.
so just my and friends.
im not replying and i have not since that last message.
just going to enjoy the nice weather with everyone :)

He really was horrific @Strugglingsoul19, I’d don’t think I’d be half as resilient as you, plus moving house and caring for you children.
Have you ever spoke to anyone about what happened to you? I know you have a very supportive family and man, but I think therapy might help you, not because I don’t think your coping, but because you have experienced such a traumatic time! X

Don’t feel any guilt that you should’ve left earlier, you did what you were capable of at the time. None of it was of your making! You were in survival mode and you couldn’t leave without DSS, you are a warrior. The children are so lucky they had you as their mum. I would be very careful that in laws don’t ever reveal to Lola, how her conception came about, I would protect her from ever finding out, stop their Dad’s toxicity from ever being able to harm your DC any further. You might find they whitewash the troubled years from their memories and that’s ok, by the time Lola asks questions, she will hear a nice version of him and will think of your man as her father.

I think at the time there was so much chaos, I had so much to organise. There was a ton of paperwork. I was pregnant and needed a new house. 2 grieving children and arranging living arrangements for DSS. I don’t think I ever really had the time to actually comprehend what was happening. Now things are a bit more settled I guess It comes more to the surface.
we are settled in the new house, sorted out all the financial side of things. I am back at work and everything is on a weird level calm. That didn’t happen over night mind but I guess now I can focus on dealing with feelings and myself.

Final update about the actual original post -
have spent the last 2 hours speaking to “ Josh “ as it was the first time we could really speak in person properly.
we decided together we are going to keep the baby
thank you for all your kind words 😘

Congratulations and the very best of luck x x

Congratulations op. It's wonderful you decided together.

Fabulous news, congratulations you both deserve to be happy 😊 wishing you a healthy and happy pregnancy 💕

Huge congratulations, OP. I'm so glad you've worked it all through and all best wishes for a happy future!

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy! 💕

Wishing you health and happiness in the future - and so glad your team is strong and surrounding you!

Wonderful! Wishing you all the happiness in the world for your new life going forward xx