I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

Things like this happen more often than most people think, you might be surprised by everyone’s reaction. Even if they don’t like it, so what it’s not their life

Don’t give yourself such a hard time, you’ve done nothing wrong

Congratulations 👶💐

You deserve happiness. You are allowed to continue living a new life. You are not being disrespectful to your deceased DP.

Ok, it's not ideal is someone you both knew but love is love. Please do not abort this baby if it's something you both want.

Whether you inform people of your relationship now or in 5/10 years time, people will still have an opinion.

You need to own this but don't be dictated by it.

Stop worrying what others think do what's right for you. It's been 2 years you both single.....

I really don't think this is that bad, OP. Not to diminish your feelings, but I think you're probably over-worrying.

Full disclosure, my first DH died many years ago. The first person I slept with after he passed was his cousins friend. I'd met him a few times, he was safe. He understood my grief so I completely understand how this relationship has blossomed.

Oh for goodness sake none of that is relevant to this post. She’s not a teenager. She’s a grown woman with an existing family. She knows exactly how much money and time a baby needs. And, quite frankly, plenty of people have babies who can barely afford them. One of my dearest friends and her husband both have creative careers. When she got pregnant they were no financially stable, but she said it’s always going to be a bit fly by the seat of their pants and they’d regret it if they left it too late to have children while searching for economic stability. They have two beautiful children who are having a lovely happy childhood. You don’t need to be rich to have a good upbringing in the U.K.

@Strugglingsoul19 please don't let the paternal family have this much control over your life. Your DP died two years ago, your relationship with his friend has nothing to do with him and has nothing to do with his family.

It should have no effect on their relationship with you and to be honest if they aren't happy and take a step back then it actually sounds like it will make it a much healthier dynamic as they're far too involved.

Do what makes you happy. If you and your partner want to keep the baby then please do.

It doesn't need to be a big drama, you tell them that you and your partner got together and fell in love a number of months ago and your children are going to have another sibling.

They have two choices accept it and carry on, or don't accept it and act like dickheads at which point you say thank you for your help and support over the last two years, you understand they're uncomfortable therefore they'll understand why it's no longer an open invitation to see the kids and to please ask before coming over and you can make mutually convenient arrangements for contact.

Life is for living OP. You sound so happy with your new DP, don’t let go of that happiness. If you both want a baby together that’s your decision together, I’d not worry about other people’s opinions.

just to say, please do not "get rid" of a pregnancy if its not what either of you would want to do, it is very very very common for friends of the deceased and partner of deceased to get together after the bereavement, it somehow brings those people closer, my lovely friend died a few years ago, she wasn't old, early 40's, her husband is now with her friend who she was very close with, when i found out initially i was shocked and looked online only to discover its very common,
then you come to realise does the remaining living parter have to suffer alone for the rest of their lives...no, go on love be happy, have a happy future and let your kids be loved too by a step parent who's already a huge part in their lives.
Also the family may also be shocked initially, but hey, you and new partner brining a new baby into the family could be healing in a way. please go with your hearts not anyone elses

People who love you will be happy for you.

"Those who matter don't mind & those mind don't matter".

Congratulations to you.

IMO, you shouldnt be do hard on yourself.

It has been 2 years.

Do what feels right to YOU, sod everyone else x

Those who matter won't care - those who care don't matter

I am *not sure which way I am suppose to vote but life is for the living.

If this hurts their feelings or confronts them with the loss of their son, understand this is all tied to the original event of losing their son. That has already happened. And you have lost him, too. For worse or for better.

It doesn't mean no good things are allowed to flow from that unfortunate event later, if that is what you want.

I think you would be very silly to throw away your own happiness because you might ruffle a few feathers in some wider family (who probably wouldn't say anything to your face anyway!). They also probably already know.

I think realistically they should be happy for you. Somebody you and your partner trusted, who the kids have known their whole lives, who stepped up for all of you in a time of utter crisis and who hasn't let you down since. If I died and left behind a family thats exactly what I'd want for them.

You're fine op you're over thinking, you only get one life dont full it with regret.

Thank you, you are right, I think I will always feel some immense guilt about this passing and that leads me to slightly over indulging his family.
I am happy and to the poster about making sure the relationship was healthy because of the previous one. That’s exactly how I knows it’s healthy because I don’t wake up questioning my every move, who I am talking and if I am going to do something wrong to upset him. My DP was not an awful person but he has become very “ troubled “ and suppose I took the brunt of that. I still to this day do not know what changed his behaviour.

I am going to speak to the people I need to speak to I am just going to have to do it and hope for the best.

financially I have no mortgage, good savings and a stable income. The children want for nothing and we have enough resources to raise another child.

I think you can have everything you want without adding another child into this situation.

This does not seem the right time for this baby. You have three children who will live with the trauma of having lost their father, they need you, you need you.

You need to learn how to be, in this new life, without your previous partner, you need time to allow this new love to grow, to enjoy it, to find space for you as a couple, which will already be challenging with three children.

You deserve to be happy, grab that with both hands, but take things slowly, don't complicate things. Put the children that you have already, first.

Sod everyone else! You haven’t done anything wrong, if you’re happy and in love why should you have an abortion? Your children will be fine and happier with a happy mum.

This probably for the son whose friend did a sexual assault?

Sensitive of you. She's just mentioned how she came out of an abusive relationship (under very distressing circumstances). And we all know how women are also unfairly judged by our relationship choices and practically every decision we make for our families.

He's right.

Anyone who judges can just go fuck themselves. There's nothing to judge.

Dear, you shouldn’t spend one more minute not living your life.
It might feel guilt for him not having that chance anymore while you do.
stopping yourself from being happy or live fully, will not make any amend to him not being here anymore. Neither will make up for how he lived his life. And it won’t make your children happier either.

It's so clear you want this baby OP. This is your life so live it to the full.

Picture yourself, all the DCs including baby and your partner happy and thriving together.

Now picture you and your current DCs, possibly broken up with DP as this baby is clearly something he wants, grieving and abortion you didn't want.

Is the second scenario really worth avoiding the disapproval of your in-laws? Which I doubt will last anyway if they're reasonable people generally and want to keep contact with the DC!

Just a final thing - I had an abortion that I absolutely did want. It still screwed me over mentally - I cried solidly for days and still sometimes now, years later. And that was a baby I definitely didn't want. I know not everyone is affected like this but honestly after the trauma of your H dying (in the way I assume he did from your posts) do you not deserve a little happiness? If you go ahead and it does affect you like it did me, is that fair on your kids? Surely the best for them is a happy mum modelling a healthy relationship.

It's been two years. You are still young and you deserve to be happy. His family are going to have to accept that you are ready to move on and live your life at some point, so why not now? There is no right or wrong time frame to officially mourn. The right person comes into our lives at the most inconvenient times sometimes and you can't pass up the chance to be happy because of some sort of protocol.

If you don't feel ready for another child, or don't feel sure you want a child with him then my all means get a termination if it feels right. But if you love him, if you are happy, if you could see a future with him and you know he'd love nothing more than to create a new blended family with you, his godchildren and a new child together then please don't let fear/guilt stand in the way of that.

This pregancy could be the catalyst that gives you the courage to tell others (and his family especially) that you have found happiness again with his friend. You could simply tell the truth. Say 'I've been keeping it quiet because I was worried it was too soon, but now this has happened I know it's what I want and I'm ready to let you all know. Please give us your blessing, but I'm doing it anyway.'

Ah I see you've made the decision! I really think it's the right one.

Has he been married and/or have children of his own ?
Is he financially stable independently of you ?
ie He isn’t a cocklodger.