I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

With whatever situation you find yourself in you can never make everyone happy all the time so you have to live for you and do what makes you happy. So do what makes you happy. Start from that. Stop trying to please other people.

You have every right to happiness with a new baby and any man you choose..
It's your life

Congratulations @Strugglingsoul19 . You just need to tough this out and do what's right for you. Do your in laws know your P was abusive? Your own happiness and that of your children is by far the most important thing here. Do not sacrifice your own happiness based on how a third party might react.

Our lives are not one chapter, still less one book.

do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children.

if they are toxic, it's not your problem or your fault.
Everybody can understand the grief, but you cannot be expected to put your life on hold. "moving on" doesnt' mean forgetting the father of your child.

You can break the news gently, keep the relationship with the children, but you CANNOT decide to keep (or not keep) a baby for other people! It's insane.
Take them out of the equation, completely.

Think about you, your children, and your partner. You can't terminate a child because of your in-laws, that's horrendous. You have the right , and must, to focus on you - and children and partner obviously.

The decision is what YOU want, not in-laws.

It’s ok for you to move on and be happy. Don’t let anyone guilt you out of that.

You are hurting no one. X

OP, you are a suvivor and should be so proud of yourself not beatimg yourself up.

Have the termination if that is what is best for you.

But you are entitled to a life and your dead partners family do not get to control you now.

Start putting in better boundaries with them.
Get counselling to help you with this.

You have done NOTHING wrong.

I know of two men who loved their late wives that both died of cancer, who went on to marry their sisters and have had wonderful lives subsequently.

All families involved were so supportive, particularly as the children transitioned so well, while obviously remembering their wonderful mother.

You sound amazing.
Time to change that voice in your head.

Please, please, please whatever decision you make, make it for you not everyone else.
You deserve to be happy, if others can't be happy for you then that's up to them.
A distant reletive of mine ended up marrying his deceased wife's best friend and everyone was just happy for them.
It's time to live your life openly and freely. You owe yourself that 💖

OP it sounds like your in laws would not be happy if you moved on with anyone, after any amount of time. You don't owe them or your late husband celibacy for the rest of your life. You've done nothing wrong.

Are you planning on pretending to be single forever? If not you'll have to deal with this one day, so why not now?

It sounds like you're in a happy relationship, your children are happy and loved, and you're financially stable, what a brilliant scenario to bring a child into.

Please don't terminate a pregnancy of a child you'd both love to have, for the sake of controlling ex in laws, or what people might think. Who cares? It has no impact on you or your family.

I agree with a previous poster. If you choose to have the baby, tell people about the relationship first, you don't need to announce the pregnancy for a few months.

Please do not have an abortion for other people, do what you, and your partner, want. That (and your children) are all that matters x

Oh, please put yourself and your new partner first and do the right thing for you. If you want to be a family and add a joint child to that family then you should.

Your ex husband's family may well be shocked and sad. It sounds like your ex husband had a lot of problems and died by suicide? Apologies if I misunderstood what you were saying in that post. If that's the case then I can see why the family are clinging on to you and wanting to be so involved but, if they're decent people, they will get over it and be happy that you are happy. If they aren't then they will not be able to see their grandchildren as much and will stay resentful - their loss, not yours.

Does your stepchild live with you full time? Maybe that's why they are so insistent on being involved in everything - do they see that grandchild as more theirs than yours or something?

Op, you've had a lot of tragedy in your life. Please don't make this joyous event another tragic situation. Choose to be happy and ignore anyone who would prefer you weren't. Telling people may be difficult but then it's done and you're free. Keep your eye on the prize xxx

Honestly I hate the idea of my husband with my sisters, but no one would love my children more than my sisters and be fair to them even if they had more children. I think it's the best case scenario for children if they lose their mother.

You deserve to be happy OP .. I truly think people will be happy for you x

I agree with PPs that you should do what works for you and that you have done nothing wrong and deserve to be happy. I also agree with you that "coming out" will be a shocking and difficult time and is unlikely to be well received by some - in the short term. That shouldn't stop you doing it. But I think you should brace yourself, make sure you have support around you, and try to be gentle with your in laws.

I know a widow who married his wife's best friend. And I know someone who was pregnant and remarried a year after her dh passed away. It's not always been easy for them but both couples are together years later, and one have a lovely daughter.

This is about your future as well as your present.

You’re obviously worried about what other people think. Obviously if you like the guy you would want the relationship to continue which means at some point you would have to come out of hiding with it. Now you are pregnant which isn’t ideal in terms of timing ie you will be telling people you are pregnant before you have had the chance to tell people about the relationship. But it is what it is and I think you should just roll with it and deliver all the good news at once!

Having had a termination on the basis of what everyone else would think or react like, I would never ever advise anyone to do that. It’s something you will live with forever, there will always be a wondering and for the dp that you now love. It’s one thing in my life that for 13 years I’ve thought about almost every day, even with therapy, and it’s a moment that if I could go back in time and change, I would. That’s despite having a DS afterwards. There’s a huge difference in having a termination from 100% your own choice and having one because of other people. Whatever you decide, I hope it’s exactly that, what you have decided for you and your pregnancy 💐

Sounds like you went from controlling DP to allowing his family to control you. Do you feel guilty that he died when you weren't in a great place and owe his family your loyalty or something? Don't. You don't owe them anything, let alone your chastity. If this man makes you happy and having his child will make you happy, then that's nobody's business but yours.

You've answered your own question.

Go be happy. Anyone who truly loved you would want that for you.

You lost your partner 2 years ago, you are entitled to find happiness regardless of other people’s opinion (and everyone unfortunately has one).
Most importantly what other people think of your pregnancy should not be the deciding factor on whether you terminate the pregnancy or not, bloody hell it’s nowt to do with them!

It's time to live your life in the way you want to. Go public, you're doing nothing wrong and you and your kids deserve this happiness. You've not screwed up at all. Have your baby if that's what you want.

What other people think is their business. They're not the ones living your life and they have NO say in how you live it. Move forward, and I wish you continued happiness.

From everything you've said, OP, congratulations seems to be the right response. You are happy with a caring partner who loves your children as well as you. Let yourself move forward - with therapy if needed - and enjoy this new chapter in your life. All good wishes to you!

You need to speak to him OP.

Deciding something like this on your own, a serious life decision, purely on how other people may or may not react... Seems potentially foolish.
If you're happy, your new DP is happy, and it sounds like the kids like him, then maybe it's a goer?
As for your ex-DPs family... Not really any of their business.
And perhaps if you'd had a chance to ask your ex, "who would you like me to end up with?" "His best friend" probably isn't a bad shout.

OP basically you think you should abort so as not to shock and upset the family of your decease husband?
If so - that is the wrong reason.
You need to move on. In a few years time these ILs may fall out with you for another matter or you may just want to break away from them.
How will you feel then about the abortion?

100% this.

Put yourself and your happiness first.