I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

OP please don’t let other people influence such a monumental decision. Kids adapt, they’ll be fine. You don’t have to worry about other adults, it’s none of their business. Talk to your partner and just work out if the baby is wanted and will be loved.

Don't base a termination purely on what other people think. If they loved and cared for you,they'd want you to be happy. Surely?

It is fantastic that you’ve found love and a supportive partner. I think it would be wonderful if you can be open and embrace it.

but just a wee note (intended with kindness) that the tendency to compare vs before will likely not comfort others and may come across as you justifying your actions (when you don’t need to). You absolutely can feel that to be true, but framing it simply as ‘I am very happy now’ or ‘I have found myself again since DH died’ is sufficient and welcomes joy from others, vs encouraging a comparison.

Eh? This isn't a thread about her relationship with her DP. Have you posted on the wrong thread or are you just a bit odd 🤔

you can't have an abortion because of what your deceased partner's family might think. it's not their life or their business.

If you are happy and indepenent, and your children will be ok, then go ahead.

Haven’t RTFT, just OP’s updates. But @Strugglingsoul19 you sound like you deserve happiness, which this man brings to you. I think now might be the time to start sharing your relationship with people. Do I think that should also include a new baby? No, I think it should be a sign to open up about the relationship but maybe go ahead with the termination and save a having a baby with him until later down the line if that’s an option and everything is still going well.
But as you should be learning from this thread, it shouldn’t matter what other people think as long as you are happy.
Good luck ❤️

Only have a termination if you truly don’t want this baby. Fuck what “everybody” thinks.
you can’t please all the people all of the time x

Life is too short to be anything but happy. Have your baby, enjoy your life. People will get over it.

Well, that's the answer.
You both want this

Do not abort your child on the basis of what former in-laws think.

I am. Of sure however that this guy should move in . He seems a bit enmeshed…. Obviously I don’t know nuance. He doesn’t need to be at your kids’ events or know medical stuff.

Do not let him move in. You have had one controlling relationship already,

No I haven’t posted on the wrong thread. I don’t think I’m odd.
Just hoping that the new partner is as good as OP says.
She obviously fell for her previous partner but he became controlling.
Hoping her new one is great and will step up when there is another child to consider.

If your life and you only get one !!
if your friends and family love u then they will be happy for u and the children
if anyone isn’t happy they are not your friends x

You know you’re allowed to have a new relationship, right? No one can expect you to remain single after your partner passed away. 2 years is a very reasonable time to have a new relationship.

Don’t have a relationship with someone because you feel sorry for them.

Your kids will cope with a little Half- sibling more than a twat of a stepfather.

You seem to have spent a long time worrying and caring about others, and finally you have a partner who is good to you. I feel that now is the time to try to focus on your own needs and not worry about everyone else. If you want this baby then it’s the right decision for everyone - if you are only considering termination because you want to protect his family etc then you owe yourself much more. Sending love.

He has his own house, no children.
works full time.

Fuck everyone else. Keep the baby, be happy and move on with your life.

Sorry this is the kids dads family not him.
They request all of this.

This. 100% this

OP anyone who truly cares about you and the children will want you all to be happy, you don't need to worry about the others. If you want to be with him go for it, if you want this baby have it. Life goes on.

I say this as someone with three DsIL, if one of my sons died I'd be devastated but I'd want their wife to move on, I'd think my GC having a new sibling would be a positive in a happy family.

I do hope this all works out for you, you sound like a wonderful mum and you deserve your second chance.

Please take your time and don't make a hasty decision. You are not in the world to please others, think about what's best for you and your DC, no one else matters.

I agree and if your in-laws like him well enough, they may be glad you are with someone who is an old friend who cares about you and the children. If not, they would get used to the idea.

A lot depends on how he feels about it, though.

As others have said. Don’t let what others think or what you think they’ll think, impact your decision on whether to keep this baby, and your future happiness. They should be thrilled you have found love with someone amazing, and someone who loves your children so much.

It’s been 2 years, so that’s fine. Obviously different if it had been 2 weeks or months!

Enjoy your life. You’ve been through a lot and deserve this.

I disagree with this. It's quite common for women who are a bit older (I'm guessing as OP already has children) to get an abortion and then not be able to conceive again.

If OP and her boyfriend want a child together, I don't think it not being the perfect time makes it reasonable to have an abortion.

I think his family is continuing his emotional abuse of you to the point where you would terminate a pregnancy both parents want.

the enmeshing seems to be to guilt but it’s not your fault