I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

What would you say to a friend in the same situation? Take it from there! 😊 good luck op, I wish you all the happiness in the world!

I remember a saying; "Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter".

It sounds like you are in a great place now and you deserve that. Congratulations!

Stop worrying about what other people think. What do you want? You haven’t said you don’t want the baby. That suggests that, judgement aside, you’d keep it. With that in mind, remember people adjust quickly. Once a baby arrives everyone loves it. And there’s something lovely about you being with your husband’s best friend. You both knew him. He knows and lives your kids. I think you can absolutely keep the baby.

It feel like you are waiting for someone to give you permission. That's the gift you have to give yourself. Its OK to be happy and you can decide that.

How could he ever forgive you for aborting his child simply because you’re too scared to tell people how much you love him?

you love him, your children love him … I fail to see anything in this situation other than a miraculous happy ending.

you never got closure from your first marriage, because your dh died and you were supposed to grieve him even whilst knowing in your heart he wasn’t treating you properly. You are still living in the shadow of that guilt that you took some relief from your dh not being around. Obviously you didnt want him to die! But it has worked out better for you in the long run.

just accept the happiness that life is granting you, make peace with yourself. Once you forgive yourself for moving on, you won’t worry what other people think because you will know you have done the right thing and the best thing.

Exactly this.

You should do what makes you, your partner and children happy. Yes it was awful to lose your children’s father and it’s great that you have stayed close to his family however don’t sacrifice your own happiness for them.

You have one life and if your new partner makes you happy then go for it, if they love and care for you they should be happy for you all.

Do you want this baby?

I think, if you can, you need to tell everyone at the same time if you can. Maybe by a carefully worded email? And first send a text to say you are about to do that.

They will hopefully go off and discuss it amongst themselves until they have absorbed the news.

You can address the email to everyone you think needs to know.

Sod everybody else, just do what YOU and your boyfriend want to do. Life is too short to not be with the person you love and to be able to tell people that you are so. Grasp every bit of happiness you can.

Is he married? Or a blood relation of either of you?

If not- have the baby and be happy together.

This is an ideal situation for the grandparents. They know you’ll move on with someone, they’d naturally worry about their place once you do. In this scenario it’s someone they know, someone their son trusted to be godparent to his children, presumably someone they like? He knows them, he’ll be more tolerant of them popping round than a complete stranger would be. They probably already have suspicions anyway.
He knew & cared for the children’s father so can tell them all about their dad & how he grew up, so will help keep their dads memory alive (only the good bits)
Anyone who can’t be happy for you in this new relationship, doesn’t deserve to be in your life.

Do what’s right for you & your family.

I haven't voted as I don't know how to interpret the options.

I don't think you have done anything wrong in sleeping with this man who offered you support when you were vulnerable. I don't think you are doing anything wrong in moving on with your life and having a relationship.

Regardless of what you decide to do about the pregnancy, I think you should use this as a sign to share with your family and friends that you are moving on.

Given that there was apparent abusive/controlling behaviour in your past relationship and that this one began while you were in an emotionally vulnerable state, I would also suggest that you really do take the time to consider this current relationship and whether it is equal, healthy and supportive.

All the best.

Hi OP. Not sure if this story will help. On of my managers in a previous job died. She was 29 and left behind a 5 year old and a husband. She was really close to a lady at work, lets call her Sarah. The husband and Sarah got chatting at the funeral, and were bonded in grief. Within a few months they were a couple. An ex colleague told me and I was like ‘oh, right’. When I next saw Sarah I asked her how she was. She mentioned her boyfriend, who she had been with a year at that point. She said the kids knew and were really happy. But there was some kind of feeling from the dead wifes family. It did not stop them being in a relationship and they were very happy together.

and you deserve to be happy to. To walk down the street holding hands with your partner without worrying someone will see. To not be crushed under the weight of other peoples opinions, people who may make a comment once or twice and then will get over it. Could living in secret mean your partner would ever leave? How does he feel about the pregnancy?

if you could keep the baby, would you? Is moving away from these people and a fresh start an option?

Sounds like you have had enough grief in your life to deal with already, potentially a termination will just add to that. Give yourself some time to work through what you really want, put the in laws out of your mind for the moment, as much as you can.

I think that the people around you who love you would want you to have whatever you want and for you to not put yourself through more heartache. Yes, grief does funny things to people, and reactions can be unpredictable, but hopefully your in laws will come to understand.

You can keep the baby provided that:
you can afford it
your employment and that of the man is stable
it will not have a negative impact on your living DC and SC
you both want it
you have enough space for it

Who cares what anyone else thinks?

OP, I don’t know you but I just feel so happy for you. You’ve been through a really tough time, and you’ve finally found happiness in your life. Honestly, don’t ruin that by worrying about what other people will think. You seriously will regret it. You and your partner clearly want this baby, so go for it. Anyone’s disagreement towards it all is their problem and not yours. Please, please, don’t let the opinions of other shape your future and whole life. You deserve this, so go with it.

@Strugglingsoul19 your relationship is your business, sounds like a much more positive one than the last was. Maybe scale back on late partner's family involvement as in them just turning up and demanding info etc. It's nice they want to keep in touch but still sounds controlling on their behalf. Good luck!

It may be the right thing for everybody else but they don’t matter. You, your male (best) friend, your expected baby and your step/children are the only ones who matter in this situation.
You have already had a pretty bad time with the passing of your children’s dad, whether the relationship was great or not. It’s still part of your past life and you probably feel bad that you couldn’t love him and some regret that he died. So why can’t you have some happiness now? You are not at all stupid getting pregnant. It’s your body, your choice and you are in a loving relationship.There is nothing to stop you, including disapproving family.
Personally, I would like to say congratulations! I hope you will see sense because with a loving partner, great kids and a new baby, you have got the recipe for a great life and I hope you run with it. Please don’t abort the little baby! You would never forgive yourself.
As for your late partner’s family, yes, they will be sad because your happiness with their son would have been what they wanted. That’s understandable. Consequently, they may say something a bit hurtful, but maybe not. Either way, they should not be allowed to upset you. Ignore them.
Have a great life with your partner and the children. Life is short. Enjoy it!
(By the way, I have just become a great-grandmother and I must just say that holding a newborn is a feeling like no other, so go for it!) 🌺

Crikey. Have a relationship with him! You already are and should not be ashamed. Anyone worth their salt with be so happy for you

Then live it!
Your partner has gone and he’s never coming back. You are the one left behind to pick up the pieces.

Live your life.

I don’t quite get what you mean about it being your partners best friend. Why would they take issue with that ?

If you love each other and both want this baby then go for it.

It’s nobody’s business but your own.

Even if some people would be upset so what ,you can’t live your life for other people.

Your dc seem to like him and I bet they would be absolutely over the moon if you got together officially and presented them with a baby brother or sister.

Please think before you terminate. By the sounds of it it would make you extremely unhappy if you went ahead with it.

Leave others to deal with it in their own way.

You have NOT screwed up!

Have the baby and enjoy your life. The pre-existing children matter. No one else does

Agree with one of the PP above. Email or text them as a group. Tell them the one thing you’ve learnt is that life is short and precious, and things happen out of the blue…

You are NOT a bad Mum or a bad person!!

re- read your own post, you are finally happy.

your late DP sounds very insecure & controlling & while it's considered poor form to speak ill of the dead, we don't have to pretend they were saints either!.

it's lovely if you to have kept the children close to their Dads family BUT it seems like you have allowed them a bit too much. YOU are your kids parent, not them! YOU are your own person, not 'just' your late DP's partner or their Grandchildren's parent!!

Please don't terminate a pregnancy that you & your partner both want to continue just because of them.

They can learn to accept your relationship or they can can take a big step backwards out if YOUR life. None of them are seeking your approval to live their lives the way they choose are they??

your partner wants to be 'out' & move forward together, HE makes you happy, your kids are happy. Don't do something you are almost certain to regret & risk spoiling what you have built together 🌷

I have said YABU on the basis that you are allowed to move on with your life with whoever you choose. It is very natural that you will have grown close to someone who you know and trust and who has been there for you through the hard times. If people can't understand that they should have the privilege of being pa part of your life. Do not be a martyr to other peoples prejudice. If you personally do not want another child then do not have one, if you are terminating because of other people's reactions then please think again.