I have really screwed up - trigger warning ( termination )

[Strugglingsoul19]

Hi
I don’t want to drip feed but I feel like a terrible mum and person right now.

I Lost my DP 2 years ago due to unforeseen circumstances and very suddenly. I have 2 biological children and a step DC.
prior to his passing it was not great and maybe I didn’t see how bad at the time but was a lot of emotional abuse which in hindsight was obvious to everyone else.
me and the kids have rebuilt our life and we have been silent moving on. My DP and I had a had a mutual best friend ( male ) who is the god parent of our children. He stepped up massively with support and the children and this lead to I suppose feelings developing and we slept together in what I first thought was a bit of an emotional crisis and probably although wrong just due to needing comfort. But we are Much down the line now and it continued and we haven’t been public and the children are around him but that’s not unusual as he has been apart of their lives since they were born ! Do I love him .. 100 percent I have not been this happy for years and years.
I just discovered I am pregnant and I can’t keep it because it would mean publicly coming out in our relationship. I’m not overly worried about the children in terms of their reaction but I do worry hugely about their paternal families reaction and how that will effect the children. I have made sure they are in regular contact they have a lot of time with them and the family still see me as their daughter in law but I know they will be hurt and devastated and our friendship group to mainly on the basis of him being who is and his relationship to my DP.
financially I own my own home, have my own savings and income and money and providing is not an issue.
I’m aware and you do not to tell me how stupid I am to get pregnant in very able to come to that conclusion my self.
I know deep down it’s the right decision for everyone else not to have this baby, but I feel like it is not something I would be considering if it wasn’t for others.
im completely stuck.

I understand your feelings about the wider circle, but I don't think you've screwed up and I think you should talk to a counsellor to unpick your feelings before a final decision. I'm not at all anti when it comes to terminations so am not coming from that angle, it's purely from hearing your story and that it really doesn't seem like a screw up situation. You should make the right choice for you.

it was intense especially in the later years, I worked full time and he was at home. This lead to a lot accusations, tracking and just over bearing situations on a nightly basis. When I would ask him to leave it would be tears and threats of “ harm “ to him not me.
if I went to a work party or a friends birthday dinner it upset him that I didn’t want to spend that time with him ( I was not out all the time I’m talking a few times a year )
things in the house had to be scheduled, tight regiment, everything in the calender. The house didn’t even looked lived in.
In the end it’s what cost him his life and I’m devastated for that but I don’t know how much longer I can take not being able to live my life.

Another vote here that you can't make such important decisions based on what other people think.

Presumably you wouldn't end your relationship if you did have a termination, so people are going to have to know sooner or later? I certainly wouldn't be terminating a baby you both want to avoid it being sooner.

It’s actually remarkably common and for good reason; if he and your DH were good friends, they were likely to have similar outlooks, beliefs and be around the same stage of life.

It might come as a shock to the paternal family, but that’s no reason to make decisions you wouldn’t otherwise. Talk to him and decide together; what everyone else thinks isn’t a factor

Get the relationship out in the open first, you haven’t done anything wrong, you’re moved on not cheated.
you don’t need to announce the pregnancy at the same time wait a few months until the scans have been done.
Don’t give up your chance of happiness because you worry about what the inlaws think.

Only you know the paternal family but their reaction might not even be that bad. It’s probably more common than you think to bond with someone you already know.

My ex’s brother ended up with my ex’s ex-girlfriend and remained married forever. My partner’s grandfather has recently been getting close to his late wife’s best friend.

Absolutely do not let what others think make you do something you don't want to...its your life and you've done nothing to be ashamed of

Wow op this is shocking to read...it sounds like your deceased partner was quite controlling...you cannot now allow his family to control your life and your choices. Please be strong and make this decision based on what you want.

Its not you job to make other people happy.

If you weren't worried about that, what would you want?

Don't make a decision on how other ,s might react ask yourself
Do you want to continue with the pregnancy
How does your partner feel.about it
How will your kids react?
Nobody else's opinion matters.

You only get one life OP. Grab your happiness with both hands. Good luck x

What I want ?

is to be happy and I am happy with him I can’t explain to you how different it is with him and how I have not in years been my self until this point.
the kids adore him, the youngest never met her dad which is of course so sad but he picked up all the pieces when honestly I was a mess !

I am now at the stage where I have moved in to a new home, back in my career, not waking up dreading the day and looking forward to the summer holiday with the kids and him.

Another vote for thinking you're too in your head about what others will think, and I don't think people will be as surprised about who it is.

Look, it's been 2 years and you're allowed to move on. It's his best friend that's been around the children since birth so you know you can trust him with the kids and they're comfortable with him. Much safer than bringing someone new in. It's also really common for 2 people affected by grief for a person to be drawn together by it.

So you want this baby, he wants this baby and to be a family. What's the problem? If anyone has an issue with it, so what?

Live your life and be happy...how will you feel when you're elderly and looking back on this part of your life...you don't want to be filled with regrets

I think OP may be the poster who fell into bed with her BIL. If so, she's not just coming out with a relationship; she's coming out about sleeping with her deceased partner's brother.

You are right I know you are I think there is a mixture of shock and maybe holding off telling people for so long it’s got bigger and bigger in my head.
there is absolutely no way my eldest doesn’t know 😂 I’m probably kidding my self that it’s the best kept secret in history.

100% this! Have the baby, be happy! ❤

So whats stopping you going public?

And not just the short answer, "Your husbands family". So they'll be upset. Fine, let them be, you'll still be happy with your kids and new man. Maybe they'll get over it in time, maybe they won't. Doesn't really matter, because you'll still be happy with your kids and new man.

You've let your controlling relationship with your husband be replaced by a controlling relationship with his family. The only person who's happiness you're responsible for is yours, and your kids. So thats what you need to make your decisions based on.

I do not have a brother in law.

Are you honestly considering an abortion because you're worried what people might say.

Jesus.

Just get on with your life.

I think you've answered your own question.
While I understand your reservations, you and your kids deserve to move forward and live a happy life.
He sounds perfect for everyone.
Go for it and good luck x

OP I think it's only natural that you are worried about how your children will react to this BUT you shouldn't consider a termination unless you really don't want a baby. Talk to your partner and find out how he feels. Please don't let extended family and friends influence your decision - they are not the important ones here. Your feelings and your children's feelings are the only thing you need to consider.

Exactly this.

Are you a people pleaser op?

Is he married?

Please get some support. It does not matter what anyone else thinks, this is your life!!

Have you an Employee Assistance Program at work? You could call them for free and confidential counselling or advice.

You might be totally surprised at how happy people would be for you. And if they are not then they will be if they love and care about you.

My dad always says ‘you have a brain, use it and f*ck everyone else’

do what’s right for you and your children, you HAVE to, even if it is hard to. Very best of luck x