She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

This is a very strong and abnormal reaction.

On whose part, @Sofiewoo?

You need to tell her how you feel. Straight out. And tell her that you will move house again if necessary so you can live your life independently.

That sounds awful. She has every right to move closer to you but not to insist to join you everywhere you go.

I would hate this.

Id tell her that even if she moves here your very busy with your hobbies & friends and wont be able to see much more than once or twice a week. Your hobbies just became over subscribed and cant fit in more members didnt it? ;)

Sounds like she wants to move closer so you can become her carer as she gets older.

I wouldn’t like this either.

Is she hoping to rely on you when she needs care and looking after as well?

I don’t suppose you can stop her moving, but I would make sure she knows you’re not always going to be available to spend time with her due to work, hobbies etc.

You are going to have to make it clear that you will not be taking her everywhere with you, under your wing, and she'd be better finding hobbies etc where she is.

Much back story, I'm guessing.

I disagree!

I think the OP has had years of managing her DM and can see herself becoming more and more responsible for her DM.

if she has a ‘challenging’ personality the groups and relationships the OP has established over the years could become damaged, and consequently her nice life harmed.

I don’t think it is! My mum is not judgemental and rude like the OP’s, and I would still hate this

Have the hard conversation before she moves. Make it clear you’re happy for her to move closer if she wishes to, but you don’t want that to mean you’re in each other’s pockets. If she’s already not one for making friends and building a social circle then she will be expecting you to do it for her. She’s probably also feeling more vulnerable with aging and looking for you to be available to care for her when she needs it. Do you have any siblings?

Tell her your/DH job is set to move soon, so it’s really not a good idea for her to move somewhere she doesn’t know anyone when you might be off to (Melbourne?)

Do you have siblings?

What's abnormal about wanting an independent adult life without mummy trailing behind you constantly?

Can you warn her not to rely on shopping and volunteering etc with you as you like your independence here? She’ll be upset but you’ll be upset if she moves there and you say she’s rude anyway so perhaps it’s time to be blunt. You either have to be clear now and cause some ructions or deal with not doing and having her move there. Time to find your voice and protect what you have. If she still moves despite your wishes, you’ll know where you stand and she can’t expect a warm reception. You might even choose to mode elsewhere. I’m aware I’m sounding harsh and it’s sad that she’s lonely but the reason for that is her own behaviour not yours and if she was nicer, you wouldn’t mind her moving there, so this is on her. If she wants to keep a good relationship with you, she needs to not move there. If she’s lonely and wants to change that, can she move to sheltered housing or do volunteering where she is?

Just say no
No you won't be her taxi service
No you won't bring her to your hobbies
No you won't visit her or host her anymore than you do now
Basically you need to make it perfectly clear that she's not wanted and you won't do anything for her at all and stick to it

Honestly, I would figure out what I wanted to say then outsource it to DH. So often women will take heed of messages from men that they simply won’t even hear from other women and particularly their daughters.

Yes, it’s sexism, before you all eat me alive, but facts are what facts are. If DM is as miserable as you say, I would be using all the weapons I had at my disposal. Using DH will head off the “don’t be silly, dear, it will be lovely” as she drives forward.

I'd be more worried about the caring responsibilities you'll be expected to carry out - all the little errands will soon mount up - that will have more impact on your life than her rudeness. How are you at saying no?

She’s not stealing your life if you don’t let her . Just tell her you don’t want her moving because it’s not suitable and you are not free to be accessible to her .

You need to be very clear. Where she lives is up to her but she will not be joining you in your activities. She would need to find her own activities. You are not responsible for her social life

Yanbu and you need to tell her before she makes any kind of financial commitment to this unwise move.

I'm sorry you are lonely mum but I can't fix that for you. I like seeing you occasionally but I need my own independent life and if you moved here I would have to move somewhere else, and that would make both of us sad. If you really want to move, choose somewhere that's close enough for us to see each other easily once a week, but far enough away that we can have our own independent lives and you can develop your own friendships and interests without overlapping with all the things I enjoy doing here.

Is her unspoken intention actually more about making sure she has a free nursing service on-hand when she gets frail enough to need daily care?

Laugh it off “no mum, I don’t think so” every single time. If she moves she moves, but you don’t have to chaperone her around - you have your own life.

That’s awful, you will have to be blunt with her and say you don’t want her in your life in that way and you won’t be taking her shopping etc

It sounds like she does literally just expect to adopt/steal your life. No wonder you’re freaking out! I’d feel stifled & terrified by this frankly. Difficult to tell her she’s not welcome too as elderly & lonely. You need to be honest but I can see why she’d feel lost moving somewhere else. Were you close before you moved as in spending much time together? Think you’re going to have to be straight & explain how she cannot expect to move to your village & have a carbon copy of your life. Tough though.

And totally understandable...I have a family member with no people skills saying they want to move into my village and I'm dreading it as it will reflect on me. Luckily they not very organized so dh (it's his side) and I said we deal with it if it happens...it's been two years of talking about it now...

Op I totally understand. Could they move nearer but not on your doorstep

I would be wound up by this, but given what you've said about your DM, what are the chances she could actually make this happen (without your help)? If slim to none, try not to give it more attention than it deserves.