She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

Make it clear to your Mum that you may not stay where you are. Circumstances change and you may move on.

Perhaps start to find fault with it, moan about a few things …..

Tell her that there are no facilities for people of her age and she will be even more lonely and she is better staying where she is. Can't you suggest she joins groups like U3A and does voluntary work? Tell her you are very busy and won't have the time she expects you to have. Also, you will need to consider how you will manage her coming years. Do you have siblings?

Do you work OP? If yes, emphasise to her that you are out of the house Mon-Fri between 8 and 6 and so you are going to be unavailable for an enormous part of the time. If you don’t work, tell her you are planning to do so and therefore there’s no point in her moving as you will be otherwise engaged.

She can move wherever she wants, however you don’t have to be her and won’t be her carer/emotional support animal. I would make that very clear. “Mum you can move if you want, and while I’ll probably see you more often because you will be near, I won’t be going everywhere with you or sharing my hobbies/friends.”

You're going to have to make it known to her that you're not keen on the idea. "Sounds like it's ideal for you mum, but to be honest : It's not really something that would work so well for me."

If she's offended, she's offended unfortunately. It's not really your problem.

Or you could ask her what is making her want to move to a rural isolated little village when she may need to use services etc as she ages? Try to put her off a bit ?

She hasn’t got any friends because she’s got a difficult character.

She’d like to move closer to you because she loves you and you are probably her only friend.

It’ll be for company now and for care later.

I know someone whose mum (with whom she has a difficult relationship) moved close to her. She sees her mum literally all the time and complains about her bitterly.

YANBU to be upset that your mum wants to move to where you live and to encroach on the life that you have built.

But… it’s your mum.

I suggest you give her advance notice that you need to have a proper and serious discussion about how this is going to work. Maybe plan to take her out for lunch somewhere quiet and unhurried in a neutral space.

Explain that you have created a very full life with friends and activities and that you like the set up the way it is. That is she muscles in on everything it will change the dynamic of what you have created and it’s not what you want.

That if she moves close to you she will need to create her own set-up/ friends/ routines/ activities etc.

But that, obviously, you will get together with her outside of your own routines for family time together. Eg:
You’d love her to come for supper on a Friday night
Or to meet for a dog walk on a Sunday afternoon and come back for a roast.
She can come to children’s sports days and nativity plays etc.
You can go for coffee and a trip to town or to the garden centre/ whatever once in a while
Etc.

Basically, you need to set firm boundaries and expectations. But when you’re saying ‘no’ to x, y, and z, spell out exactly what is available instead to soften the blow.

Good luck.

You can’t stop her from moving but you can have cast iron boundaries.

Do not take her shopping, to your hobbies and introduce her to anyone. Make it clear you are happy with the way things are.

If you want to accommodate her, you could do so away from the things that are important to you op.

Thank you so much for the understanding replies. It means a lot just to have these feelings validated!

To answer a few questions - I work from home, so of course this means she thinks my work can easy accommodate her errands.

No other siblings - I agree, I think she's starting to feel older and wants to be close to me so I can care for her.

NOT going to happen.

She will feel beyond isolated here. There are no pavements, let alone shops. And I really don't want her tagging along on my social events- the trouble is, there are only so many.

Honestly I feel a bit unwell at the idea of her offending everyone I've worked hard to befriend! She 100% will. She's an anti vaxxer, loves Trump, believes conspiracy theories, says awful rude things and gives unsolicited 'advice' - she has a history of forming quick intense friendships and then blowing up and falling out.

She is viewing a house next week that's come up for sale in the village - a huge bloody 6 bed place.

Just say no

No, you won't come with me when I'm shopping
No you won't come with me to my ho bies
No I won't do your errands

I shall see you once a.week or fortnight that's it

It's going to be based on her life experiences with her mum, isn't it. I would say there will be very good grounds for thinking this way and nothing abnormal about it.
OP, you are going to have to set very clear boundaries and stick to them. OIf that's a new dynamic for you then maybe get some outside help on changing your relationship with your mum. Easier said than done but at least you have a defined start time, I.e. when she moves

This happened to me. I told her straight out that I did not want her to move nearby and she did it anyway saying she wanted to be near her grandchildren. She could of moved closer to my brother where she knew a lot of people but instead moved close to me and then expected me to look after her.

@OpenThatWindow on the day she is coming to view that place, arrange a few viewings yourself for homes that are at least 50 miles away in a different direction. Tell her bluntly that if she moves to your village you will be moving away. I know you don't want to move and it won't help you keep the friendships you value, but she needs to know you are serious and if you are there to host her when she's househunting she will not get the message. Tell her about your househunting. Don't be ashamed that you need a different orbit to her, if she wants your orbit it's up to you to fully communicate that ain't gonna happen.

It really isn't.

You clearly never met my DM or MIL...

6 bed place😱

Not only is she hoping to step in to your social circle but you and your DH will be busy in your spare time maintaining her house and garden!

She sounds like my DH 🤣

Is moaning and picking holes in people also her favourite past time ?

If she’s as you say in your update, tell her straight. That her political views will go down like a lead balloon, that everyone you’ve met is pretty liberal and central and you’re not going to introduce her to your new friends because of it.

“Mum, this is a terrible plan. There are literally no facilities in this rural area. I work - I know that you think that because my office is in th house, I can just come and go as I please. This simply isn’t true. I am tied to my desk and so for 90% of the time, I will not be available to you. No visits, no shopping, nothing. You are going to be EXTREMELY lonely.”

How about this?

"Mum, I don't think it's a good idea. You'd be very isolated here - there are no pavements, let alone shops. With things so busy with work and xxx, I wouldn't have the time to see you often or help out. Have you thought about [alternative miles away from you]?"

Trust me. It really isn't.

You have no idea what relationship OP has with her mother.

Why is it abnormal ? The fact that OP moved 100 miles away and mentions a fresh start indicates that she was trying to escape something. Mother or not, l would hate the intrusion of someone tagging along like this.

Once she's got an idea in her head, she's so stubborn about it!

I don't want her to feel lonely or sad. But I don't want to be responsible for her life either.

She's had decades in our hometown to create a life, but instead she's chosen to fall out with everyone.

She even HATES driving, and it's nothing but narrow country and hilly lanes here. Zero buses and taxis hate coming out this way. Nearest hospital is 35 min drive. Arggggg.

Start complaining about feeling isolated and bored where you live. Giver her the impression that you’re looking elsewhere. Leg her know that there is no future where you are, etc. Complain about services like pavements, healthcare, social life, attitudes to elderly, give her the idea that you don’t feel safe. That will put her off for a bit at least.

Tell her you’re moving next year as it’s so boring…? Tell her you’re moving back home next year? That should put her off?

You need to have a conversation with her and tell her she needs yo make her own life