She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

Tell her this is the appropriate time to tell her you may be emigrating next year...

Agreed. OP you say your village is very small, are there any suitable properties on the market and could she afford them?

I agree with this @OpenThatWindow - the effect will be one of two outcomes. She huffs and doesn’t move or she moves anyway and you’re able to stick to your pre-stated boundaries and remind her of them when she protests.

Just say no. Tell her if she moves, you'll be moving another 100 miles away shortly after.

I too would say you are thinking about moving, that it’s not a good area and very dull. Hopefully she will pause her plans to move closer.

My mum moved 2 houses away from me in her 80's... about 100 miles from where she lived previously BUT it was in agreement.
We are in a smallish village, a shop, pub, hairdressers.
She actually has a better social life than I do, but it only works because she wants to keep her independence for as long as possible. We have one day each week out together, then I might call in for a coffee maybe once a week too.
If my mum was like your mum it would have been a disaster. Unfortunately you can't stop her moving, but you can set boundaries to try and stop her infiltrating your life

Do you have children @OpenThatWindow ?
Could your dh’s job offer him work abroad - if so, lie and talk about the possibility of a wonderful life abroad that won’t happen.

OP has said that her mum has made an appointment to view a very unsuitable 6-bedroom house in her village.

You need to find your words and have a very frank blunt discussion. There will probably be a huge row and dismissing of your comments but you need to tell her she cannot piggyback onto your life and absolutely mean it.

Are you having counselling op? It must be sad to feel this way about your mum. To feel so afraid of her impact on your happy life.

My dad is a strong personality and we have a complicated history. He’s fallen out with most people and has moved to my town. I just make myself available on my terms. If he’s lonely or inconvineced, that’s his bad luck. I know that sounds harsh but I spent decades people please (esp wrt my parents) and now I focus on fitting him into life and not the other way around.

you can’t change her, only your reactions to her. So think about what that right look like and be very clear w her. And stick to your guns

I would hate it too OP .
You can’t stop her moving but tell her clearly that she’ll need to find her own way making friends and finding things to do because what suits you may not suit her. You could offer to see her say on Saturday afternoons or one evening a week but you’re too busy to do more.
Or could you suggest that she moves to a town close
to you because it would offer more facilities as she gets older?

Given that you feel so strongly about this you need to be honest with her. Tell her that you won't be taking her round with you or entertaining her. Hell, tell her that you feel so strongly about this that if she moves to the village, youre moving out of it.

She's moving because she is convinced you will run round after her, keep her company all the time etc and literally the only way to stop this from happening is to be brutally honest that you won't be helping her. And why.

Are you the mum in this situation? 😂

OP I would be very wary too, just her assumption that she will be accompanying you to you hobbies etc would set massive alarm bells ringing. Not sure if she is trying to steal your life as such, more to make you her entire social life which is claustrophobic and unsettling.

Nasty, a lot of people have terrible mothers. It's no reflection on them that they don't want to be near them as adults. It's a healthy move creating distance.

From someone who has an unpleasant, controlling and judgemental mum who insists on joining her on everything when she is near by, and who thinks it us her right to organise her daughter’s social life according to her own agenda and preferences…

DO NOT PUSSY FOOT AROUND THE ISSUE, SHE WONT LISTEN TO TACTFUL WORDS. JUST TELL HER YOU DONT WANT HER NEARBY AND YOU DONT WANT HER TO JOIN YOU.

Though words to say when you have been conditioned to keep her happy after a lifetime of controlling behaviour and something you will be judged by people who do not have a mother like that but protect your peace not because you like to but because her behaviour can have a MASSIVE impact not only on how you relate with your friends but your husband and ultimately your kids. She has the power to disrupt that balance.

Hi OP,

I am late to this thread and have only read your responses, but FWIW, your mum sounds suffocating.

I don't think you sound flippant or mean at all, and a PP hit the nail on the head when they said that you could move another hundred miles again if "that's what it takes to live independently". I am absolutely certain you didn't wake up one day and decide that you don't "like" your mum, I am sure that she has been difficult or unpleasant for years, or that there have been incidents in the past where you felt that she does not listen/care/consider you in whatever she is doing/saying.

It does appear that she has just decided that you will take care of her now - socially and practically - without any consultation or consideration of how this might impact the life of her adult daughter. It is as if your carefully curated peace is of no consequence, your social life and spare time exists to facilitate her.

You have every right to say "no". "No is a full sentence. Of course you can sit her down and say "I think moving is a terrible idea because you have unrealistic expectations of my availability, and the local infrastructure, also we disagree on so much we will fall out". Maybe get some counselling to help you reinforce boundaries and recognise what is actually your responsibility, and what is most definitely not.

“NO I will not be able to drive you anywhere. I am AT WORK!!”

It sounds like she’s lining you up to be her carer and constant companion because she hasn’t got any friends and is lonely.

Her vision for moving near you will not be something that works for you!

I would be very clear with her I think.

Why did you need to move away for your “fresh chapter”, was that related to her in any way?

The problem with hinting with people like her is they just ignore it. By all means pile on the reasons why it’s a bad idea, but really you have to be direct. Tell her you will not be her taxi or sorting out all the tasks she’s creating for herself with a big house and that you want to maintain your own social life separately.

If she’s got all those difficult views as well, now is the last minute to call her out on them. Tell her you will not be introducing her to all your social circles because of them. I know it sounds impossible, but look at the alternative!

you need to tell her bluntly. You are not being my shadow. I am not going to babysit you everyday. If that doesn’t work. Remind her you moved away for a reason!

or start talking about how you might be moving lol

I reckon the more you try to put her off, the more she’ll want to come. Why don’t you suggest she moves to a nearby town? Better transport, more facilities, she’ll have places she can pop out to and a better selection of activities. We live in a small village and it can be very lonely if you don’t drive.

Ok maybe you need to say it’s up to you but thought I’d better warn you we are thinking of moving in the next few years so only choose this place if it’s practical for you.

This lady sounds just like my late mother.

Be careful of saying you are thinking of moving as she'll suggest an annex situation.
Many years ago my DH and I had to move away for work. I was pregnant with my unexpected first child.
My mother suggested they come too as I had a big job and I'd need help
We tried two annexes before my husband said get a house with a cottage or something nearby.
But like your mother my mum wanted the big house in the village. She was very status driven. She, like your mum was very rude at times and offended people. Fiercely intelligent she thought it funny. My late dad was a sweetie.
She did take over my social life. She expected to be invited to all our dinners and come with me to events. She even muscled into our son's school.
She did have a few friends but mainly family visitors as we are a large brood.
It didn't work for me and I ended up with a dependency and later had therapy. It felt like I was being crushed. We lived rurually too. She no longer drove.
My only advice would to be blunt and say 'mum you wouldn't like it here'.
Unfortunately as people get older they do feel lonely and as an only child you're stuck with her. I'd be advising a McCarthy Stone apartment as they run events. They have high services charges and are a devil to sell but they can be rather posh. If your mum has money she might like the swank of that!
She'll be spending your inheritance but believe me it'll be worth it. I've got a form of PTSD.

Why? She says her mum is judgemental and rude. Would you want someone judgemental and rude coming along on all your shopping trips/to your hobbies/volunteering alongside you? I wouldn’t.