She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

Agree with this, is there a town nearby that might be a good compromise OP ? It could be better for your Mum than rural isolation.
My Mum tried to move into my village, we were looking for houses for her, but she had a rapid deterioration and ended up going into a care home nearby instead. However being able to pop in every few days and see her easily was really nice, and as my dc were still in primary school it was a lot less stressful having her a very short drive away.

From someone who went through it with an unkind and judgmental Mother.

Don't do it. My Mother tried to steal my life too and I've not recovered 10 years after her death.

Tell her ' If you move here you won't see us any more than you do now' and stick to it. Don't help her move, she's on her own.

I'm really sorry, OP.

It sounds like you have a difficult history with your mum, and that you have got free and built yourself a life you like, and now your mum wants to come and impose herself on it, which will spoil it. And you have no control over that, and that is very frightening, and any attempts to prevent her doing this could backfire on you. It's really awful to feel under threat.

If she does move to your village, are you able to stop her coming to your social activities? If they are public groups, like a church, it would be very difficult, whereas other social groups you might be able to avoid her joining.

I think you will probably need to set some really clear boundaries and expectations, preferably without being hurtful, but this may not be possible.

It is really normal and reasonable, as an adult, to want a social life apart from a parent. Who I am with my mum (who I love and do enjoy spending time with) is not who I am with my friends. You aren't wrong to have these feelings and you aren't wrong to ask her not to move to your village. Unfortunately you can't stop her doing it, but I hope you find a solution.

Well to be fair she doesn't have every right to move next to her daughter

I’d just bullshit to try and halt proceedings - ‘Look Mum hold fire on any move just yet, DH had a call with his boss today and it looks like he may possibly have to relocate in the next few years, the company may be being taken over and things are a bit precarious. I would hate for you to up sticks and for us to have to move.’

She absolutely has the right move anywhere she likes. OP has no right to dictate where a grown woman can or can't live.

But OP also has the right to refuse to spend time with her.

I think this is the one time you might need to be brave and be brutal. She might get offended but if you aren't honest with her about what an awful idea this is and how you absolutely will NOT be allowing her to tag along, go shopping or join your hobby, then you run the risk of her moving and expecting exactly this and making your life a misery.

You really need to make yourself less available (unless of course it suits you too). So if she turns up or calls whilst you are working, make it clear you are working and can't be disturb. From what you've said I get the impression you already run around after her - this will be on another level if she's local so you really do need to nip this in the bud. I'd even consider saying you've been talking about moving so XX far more suitable further away place so why doesn't she look there - whatever but for the love of god you need to be upfront, direct and steadfast!

Short term pain long term gain.

You obviously had a nice mum that got on with people. OP doesn't have that. OP describes her as judgemental and rude. Why would she want to keep popping in to see a mum like that?

It really isn’t.

However being able to pop in every few days and see her easily was really nice

I assume your mum wasn’t ‘rude and judgemental’, which is how the OP describes her mum?

This very same thing happened to me around 15 years ago. I told her that of course, she was free to move where she wished but she had to understand that my husband and I (no dc at that point) had our own lives to live and that she had to realise that we would be carrying on pretty much as we always did and she had to understand if she moved she’d have to make her own friends etc. it ended up in the most horrible argument. As a result she didn’t move but as grandchildren came along she moved about 10 miles from us. Manageable. To add we had and still have a rather strained and complicated relationship (I had lived 500 miles away from her from the age of 17) , so I have no idea why she thought living in our village would be a good idea, it wouldn’t have worked at all.

“She is viewing a house next week that's come up for sale in the village - a huge bloody 6 bed place.”

OP, please point out to your DM that a six bedroomed barn of a house will not only be prohibitively expensive to heat, but will require an awful lot of cleaning to say nothing of maintenance. I suspect it also has a comparable amount of garden - just how does she think she’s going to manage the upkeep? My own DPs moved into a huge house, and while my mother loved it, frankly it was a disaster - after my father died, it was far too much for my DM to manage, and she expected us to help her with the garden when we visited - we did, but it wasn’t always easy! After she died, we had a lot of trouble selling it because it needed so much work doing on it, and we ended up having to reduce the sale price by more than £100,000. I think your DM is going to be sorely disappointed if she moves - she thinks you will be on tap to be her constant companion: what will actually happen is that she will end up alienating you so that there ends up being a big falling-out, and she will be stuck in the village with nobody. Can you persuade her that she would be better off in a nearby town with a few shops and facilities? I’d be very firm about the fact that you have your own life, and won’t be available to drive her to the doctor’s or hospital appointments. Unfortunately, OP, I fear you’re going to have to engage in a bit of tough love, even to the point of seeming an unloving daughter, in order to stave off a situation that unfortunately will not end at all happily for either of you.

If she is bored and lonely it sounds like a retirement village would be a better idea for her or a warden assisted place, where she will have company and support as she ages. Could you suggest this to her? If she could find somewhere like this nearer to you, but not in your village, so that you see her regularly, but on your terms.

I think you are going to have to be very clear that you will not be including her in your friendship and hobby groups as these are for you and separate from your relationship with her.

I wish you luck Op, it sounds like a very difficult situation.

@Christwosheds

Most of my friends have parents move closer to them as they get older. Your Mum sounds a difficult character, but having been through elderly parents getting increasingly frail and unwell, having them close by makes everything so much easier.

I’m shocked by the “ she will want help, don’t do it” type of responses, as everyone I know helps their elderly parents. Our Mums do everything for us when we are little, isn’t it normal to care for our parents as best we can when they get old ?

This.

I find some posts quite cold and harsh. I don't think women - or men - should be forced to be full time carers for their elderly parents, but I found the 'I will do absolutely fuck-all for you so stay out of my face!' attitude towards their elderly parents (from some posters,) quite cold and shocking. Purely because they 'can be a bit difficult sometimes.' Or because they CBA. Ir they simply cannot find a moment to spare in their busy schedule.

My mother was not the easiest of people, but I would not have thrown her under the bus and given no help 'because I have my own life and am FAR too busy to even look in your direction mother!' And I would hope my own adult DC would never be so cold. I would wonder where I'd gone wrong if my DC were so callous and cold and uncaring.

Why is the first comment always so ridiculous? Makes me wonder whether it's a bot to get people engaged....

My heart sank just reading that OP.

Or maybe their mothers are different to yours? My mum has done and said some appalling things to me. She isn’t just ‘a bit difficult’, she can be vile. She ruined my wedding because she’d invented some slight I’d apparently committed against her that morning while getting ready.
Not everyone has a good relationship with their parents.

You sound a little bit passive as if she buys a house you just have to go with it. No you don't . It's not your responsibility if she's sad or lonely either.

@zov it wouldn't be that simple though. It would be pressure, sulking and tantrums every time the mother didn't get her needs met. And she'll only get worse as she gets older.

I agree with this, some of these responses are incredibly odd. My own DM is incredibly difficult, was critical and nasty during my childhood. But she's my DM, the only one I'll ever have, and of course I'll help her in her old age. I wouldn't want her moving in with us, but the odd lift here and there and helping her with her garden is hardly a great hardship.

Manyant parents are horrible. And abusive. And suddenly expect their adult kids to forget all this as they get elderly. No way.

Be brave and tell her. I have adult kids, one of whom is married-we love each other and get on and I would NEVER do that to them. I think you need to tell her a slightly watered down version of the truth. Your life is busy, you both don’t see eye to eye and the move will make you both miserable. Tell her to make friends where she is as life will be far too difficult. If she insists, tell her-no silly lies about dh job-that you will move. She sounds as if she just railroads through what she wants, making everyone else!s life unpleasant. People like her rely on others being too nice to say what they think. I’ve had a few colleagues like that and they do back down when you tell them what they are doing is bollocks. But you have to be straight with them.

When you relocate somewhere to be with a specific family member uninvited and for your own personal reasons, you are essentially imposing on someone, daughter or not. What you said makes no sense. The mum has the right to move there and op has the right to refuse spending time with her... what the hell is she moving there for then.

I think the only way to tackle this situation is to be honest in a tentative way.

Yes, this. ^

I think some of the post are judgmental. If you have a happy and healthy relationship with your parent and they cause no issues, you don't mind living in close proximity, however, if you have a difficult relationship or if they are problematic, distance can be helpful.