She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

You do need to tell her that you don't want her to move to your village and that if she does, you won't be available to help her. She obviously doesn't mind being rude to you so don't worry about offending her.

Why on earth is she looking at a 6-bedroom house? Is she capable of making sensible/reasonable decisions? That just sounds totally bizarre.

If you are completely honest with her about why you don't want her to move to your village, would she just ignore you and still move? How upset would you be if you had to cut her off completely?

If she is a reasonable person just establish some ground rules in advance. My parents moved close to us a few years ago and we (mum and I) laid down some ground rules to make sure we were both respecting each other's space and time but also enjoying living closer to each other. We have a shared hobby and I felt very awkward about saying to my mum that I didn't want her doing it with me as it was my thing with my group of friends. In the end I didn't have to bring it up, she guessed at the situation and did the same hobby but somewhere else. However, all of that requires a conversation between two people who are respectful of each other.

She is viewing a house next week that's come up for sale in the village - a huge bloody 6 bed place.

Let her view it on her own. Don't get involved.
You're busy.

To to fair to both of you, you need to tell her NOW, before she does anymore planning. Tell her what you have said here. Tell her that you will only be spending a short time with her and that you I will not be caring for her. Depending on your relationship with her that may be a difficult conversation but you need to do it. Be blunt. Don’t try to dress it up too much.

What on earth would she want a 6 bed home for? Does she have the money for it or is she just so desperate to move to your village she'll consider anything?

It's very hard to make stubborn fixated people see sense isn't it?

’She is judgemental and rude with few friends’.

Sounds like my MIL.
After 30 years in my life, the penny finally dropped with me last month, that today, my MIL traits would most likely be described as autistic.

Could your DM be the same? If yes, you may have to be quite direct with her.

She’s not stealing your life, but I can understand why you don’t want her intruding on your life.

I love my dm but noooo my friendships are mine and I wouldn’t want her tagging along.

I think you have to be really clear now OP. Tell her you won't be including her in everything she needs to find her own social circle and you want to live an independent life. I'd be tempted to indicate that you or your partners job may move just to put her off. Stick to your guns - my mum ended up only doing stuff i did and honestly it was a nightmare, head it off at the pass!

She even HATES driving, and it's nothing but narrow country and hilly lanes here. Zero buses and taxis hate coming out this way. Nearest hospital is 35 min drive. Arggggg.

Oooh this could be your trump card. Go in heavily on the hideousness of lane driving and the total lack of public transport.

Maybe reflect on your own words.

the distance from the hospital alone is one of the reasons it would be a terrible idea to move. I’ve read that mortality rates increase in the elderly with distance from emergency care.

How awful OP.
Better you have a brutal falling out now than she come with false pretences and asks why you didn't tell her.

Tell her you do not want her living near you.
Spell out why.
Tell her you have your life and you have no intention of allowing her to impose herself on yours.

Tell her she will not see you regularly.

Spell it out.
The alternative is you will move within the next two years.

Tack is not your friend here.

My friends late mother had a domineering older sister who moved without saying a word 10 minutes drive from her.

My friend had no need of her help, had never liked her, they were not close, and had zero interest in being a substitute family for her two son's whose wives, who found her a pain in the ass.

She turned up one day at her house full of isn't this exciting for you bullshit, and implying she could be granny to her children. Zero tack and my friends mum dead only a year.

My friend was menopausal and in poor form and told her she had zero interest in seeing her as she had a busy life and she certainly would not be a replacement granny of her much beloved mother.

She told her she didn't do drop ins and to not to call again without an invitation.
She was a bit brutal, she admitted herself.

But her mother had felt low level bullying/criticism by her, her whole life, so she really felt zero connection to her.

In typical male entitlement her two cousins contacted her about their mothers upset.

She gave them both barrels about being around for THEIR mother and told them not to call her again.

She said it was all rather cathartic.

That will backfire into "can you pick me up?"

It did with mine and I was nearly an hour away.

I would use the fact that she’s buying a six bed house as the starting point for the conversation. At 74 she should be downsizing not buying something far in excess of her needs. Tell her if she moves close to you that not only will you not tolerate her intruding on your life in the way she has planned, but she’s clearly expecting you and your DH to help with the upkeep of a huge house, which is batshit. She’s not planning sensibly for later life and reduced physical and possibly mental capacity, and the burden of that is going to fall on you. She needs to know that, and that it’s not going to happen. To the point where, as one PP suggested, you tell her if she moves closer to you, you will move away.

Let’s hope she’s not got the courage of her convictions but in the meantime, I wonder if impressing the negatives of your new location upon her might help? I feel for you both - but mainly for you!

So all the jobs on a large house will come to your door to orgznise.

I'd be telling her you are also thinking of moving yourselves.

Not that relevant to the OP, judging by her description of her mother.

She sounds neither reasonable nor respectful.

How far are you from the nearest hospital? What is public transport like?

Honestly, being at the stage of caring for elderly parents who are no longer completely independent, it would make sense for her to move to a town that is closer than 100 miles away, but you are right, it makes no sense for her to move to a rural area at 74.

I think this is a situation where you just need to be honest.

No no, this wouldn't do for me either. Tell her that you're thinking of moving yourselves so don't bother, as you might not be there long.

You’re going to have to be very direct with her. No trying to soften the blow as you say she’s clearly very thick skinned.

”Mum, I don’t want you moving to my village and upsetting the life I have built for myself here. If you move no nearer than 10 miles of where I live, I promise to visit you regularly and take you shopping at least once a fortnight but if you move any nearer, I’ll make myself too busy to see you more than once every 6 weeks.

However, from your posts, I’m guessing that you have struggled to stand up to her in the past? You’ve only one life and you need to learn to advocate for yourself.

Oh no OP. Nightmare... be strong on this.

Regardless of her personality I think this is a bad idea. My Gran didn't have offensive views but latched onto my Mum, joined her hobbies and friendship group. My mum wasn't 'allowed' do anything without her or there would be sulking and drama, even if she met a friend for coffee. It wasn't a moving away situation, my Mum stayed in her home town but honestly much as she loved my Gran she held her back so much and the whole thing was so toxic, I only realise the extent of it as an adult.

She may not be wanting to ‘steal your life’.

Like most people, she’d probably like to live nearer to you, so she can see you more easily and more often. And know she has a loved one close by as she gets older and needs more support.

However, she’s being unreasonable to expect to insert herself into your life so fully by moving to exactly the same place and expecting to come with you to your hobbies and social events.

IMHO you should separate out her expecting to do that and her rudeness. Even if she were charming and enjoyable to be with, wouldn’t you find it suffocating for her to join your social life and expect to do so much with you?

However, I agree that her rudeness would likely result in people distancing themselves from you, if you came as a pair. So would be detrimental to you.

IMHO you should let her know it’s not fair or reasonable for her to expect to join your life: she needs to build her own. But you could support her.

If she’s been abusive to you in the past, you’re right to keep a distance. If not, she’s your mum and IME we all get to a certain age where we should be there for our parents in recognition for all the sacrifices and support they’ve given to us. It’s easy to lose confidence as you get older. Your life flies by and you suddenly find yourself pretty lonely, especially in retirement. Some people who are depressed, unhappy, lonely and lacking in confidence can become grumpy and abrasive. Life is a series of stages we have to adapt to and it may help her to see herself at a new stage, with a fresh start.

Could you help her to join clubs and hobbies to make friends where she lives? Could you suggest she thinks about how she interacts with people, including via therapy, so people enjoy spending time with her? Has she looked at volunteering opportunities?

If she’s wants to be closer to you, and a fresh start, as a compromise could she move closer to you but not to the same place? Could you help her consider options of places where there are lots of opportunities to meet other people or pursue her interests - or get into something new, e.g. an art or book club, where she has a focus when alone and can also join with others. And where there are transport links to where you live.

Ultimately, she’s responsible for her own happiness and social life. She shouldn’t expect to be dependent on you.

I work from home and it would be a no to any errands during work hours.

I don't actually think that being clear and direct with her will help. And OP may not feel able to do that anyway, depending on dynamics.

I'm lucky not to have this problem but I know what it's like to have your life swallowed up by demanding and destructive parents, so I'm full of sympathy for you @OpenThatWindow.

I agree with pp - complain constantly to her about your boring life. Make out that you're considering moving...start discussing where you might decide to live a year or two from now.

Throw her off.