She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

😂Here's still the laughing emoji?

There was a thread last week from an Irish woman whose father was horrifcally sexist and emotionally abusive. She got the same support and advice as those with dragon mums. Your post is weird.

What abuse? OP jus sounds spoiled imo.

I wonder how she would feel if her DD came on here to gossip about her instead of talking to her!!

NOT good daughter vibes as i said

I'm convinced by the OP because she knows her mother. Why you think you know better than she does about her mother I have no idea. You don't know her mother, you are just spouting bollocks

At least I don’t have to be rude to make a general point. I am entitled to my beliefs. There are so many difficult older mums on MN and no one ever stops to think about if their difficulties are the consequence of specific struggles. That doesn’t mean you have to pander to them but having an awareness of that can make a huge difference. In my experience anyway. But some people love drama. They would rather op be rude and cruel to her mother rather than approaching the situation in a spirit of kindness, helpfulness and honesty. Saying no to someone or disagreeing doesn’t have to entail swearing at them.

Maybe she'd self reflect and wonder why her daughter felt that she couldn't talk her directly or that it would be pointless to do so.

People seemed to be stuck with the delusion that just because someone is old they are automatically nice. There are some horrible people in the world, and they don’t suddenly morph into saints once they turn seventy. If anything, they can get worse.

OP for the sake of your own sanity you need to put your foot down. I hope your plan to dissuade her works, but if it doesn’t you need to tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not be rushing around after her and letting her ruin your new life you have built for yourself. The nearby town sounds like a better idea. If she doesn’t understand that work from home doesn’t mean free whenever she wants you then maybe just say you have to go to the office now. I’m not normally a fan of lying, but sometimes you have to protect yourself.

No she doesn't. Her mum sounds awful though. Her mum doesn't have a single friend left due to her own rude and judgemental behaviour. She has driven everyone away. She is reaping what she sowed. You don't get to be a shit mother and then expect to be welcomed with open arms when you suggest moving to live near your daughter.

Who cares what her mum would feel if she found this thread and realised that it was about her? She probably wouldn't even recognise herself anyway. Bullying narcissists tend to have no self awareness at all.

My point is .... WHY DOES OP NOT SAYYY THAT TO HER MOTHER???!!! Has she even TRIED?!

I understood everything op said ..and i STILL dont understand why the conversation has not been had with HER Mother. I get there are some bad mums out there but come on!!

You seriously telling me op's mum is sooo bad she can't say no? Or even talk to her??

Come at me all day long.. I Stand Firm. I Still think its giving rubbish daughter gossipy vibes and if mum is THAT BAD...OP probs learnt it from her mum 🤷🏾‍♀️

If no-one posted their views about a situation then there'd be no discussions.

What?

I assume that, due to her mum's behaviour from when OP was a child, OP has always been scared of her mum and she has used distance as a way to avoid seeing her mum very much without having to confront her about the abusive way she was mothered.

If OP had come on here and said that she had told her mum that she has been a terrible mother since she was a child and that same rude and judgemental behaviour has driven all her friends away so there is no way that she wants her mum to move close to her, you and some of the other 'but she's your muuum' and 'you only get one mum, cherish her' posters would berate her for saying such mean and hurtful things to her mum.

'Stand Firm' all you like. You are just posting on a parenting forum, you're not a flipping suffragette.

WELL! Assumptions get you absolutely NOWHERE and makes you look abit DAFT now doesn't it!

Because OP would actually get some sympathy IFFFF she did state that she's had talks with mum in the past that resulted in nastiness from her mum for example, but she didnt, which means she has not.

I read what was written, not what i would like to believe OP said or meant 😅 like you!!! Such a shame.

Lesson for you - do not ASSume for me, never mind anyone else, I have not seen anyone else's comment because I came to cast my vote on Someone allegedly taking over someone's life, when in fact her mum has not even moved yet Or taken over anyythiingg!! Talk about a
DRAMA QUEEEEN daughter.

Talk to your mother!! It may well result in mum being offended as the truth often offends but at least OP will have gotten a lot off her chest and will truly then be able to say what she alleges is happening now if mum continues to be however OP says she is. It is THAT simple. And if OP wants nothing at all to do with her first ever friend, she should keep that energy when her dear mum passes and expect to recieve £0 inheritance.

I have no care what anyone feels, OP is a disrespectful daughter for doing this In this way and that is my own opinion that I am entitled to.

Two fingers to you if what I said offended you - it was not even meant for you!!

dont add the fuel if you're trying to avoid fire🙄

THANKS and goodbye

Sorry, well all i seen was OP's post.

My response is to HER POST. I saw no abuse just allegations in a gossipy way. From the people quoting me and replying to me 😅 I sense a lot of you perhaps need to go back and re read the post.

mum has no friends because shes nasty to everyone...or something to that effect, is that the abuse? Was it that part?? I dont care for an answer i said what i said.

So as i said, WHAT ABUSE??

Wonderfully said ❤️

Yes, I do agree with you, but IF and i eggsadurate IF OP did have the talk with her DM, and poured her heart out in her explanation now, as a married woman with a husband and a life, IF DM is soo terrible that she still failed to understand or soften or whatever to OP, I would genuinely think DM is struggling with something that in her time probably was a frowned upon thing so she's guarded or whatever but i'd 100% talk to her and try open her up and find out and help!!

I dont know because it is not my experience but I say this because I know about my mums life and i am just in awe because how she made parenting look so EASY when it is the biggest challenge a person will ever face and sacrificed dreams or delayed achievements just to have you! OP is grown, alive and well - Kudos to her DM - she does not deserve to be bitched about though.

IF OP's Mum were my DM, i'd help her because clearly she has no one!!

I would consider that I was not a perfect child and Mum still loved, clothed, fed and cared for me to a great standard - the very least I'd be looking to do to begin to repay her is helping her to find peace, I would not run away from her or push her directly away like why Isnt OP suggesting finding a place with her Mum so she can decide the actual distance between them?? Or finding a class to do with mum once a week?
She really needs to talk to her mum - Its still her mum at the end of the day.
She is alone and could well be feeling vulnerable and full of regret and like OP is the only person she has left. Its deep. But nothing a heart felt conversation could not fix and i truly truly believe that - even if OP feels like there is no point - I do not believe she has ever truly tried to understand and get her DM some help and that's not cool at all in my opinion

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. If OP’s mum was capable of self reflection she’d have done it before now. She’s managed to alienate literally everyone she’s ever known by being a horrible person. The idea that a heartfelt conversation is going to change that is very naive in my opinion. Having a firm boundary setting conversation might work to manage her expectations of their relationship going forwards, though it’s likely that OP is going to be fighting a constant battle to maintain those boundaries. The mum only sees herself, some people are just like that unfortunately.

I do like your suggestion of OP taking a more active role in finding her mum’s new home and thereby exerting some control over the distance between them.

You do realise that OP has written more than one post? She has said:

'To the posters who think I'm a horrible daughter - I do understand why you'd think I'm being awful, but if you had my mother growing up, you'd feel the same.

You know you sometimes get a nightmare neighbour? A friend who turns out to be quite toxic? A difficult, bullying colleague? A horrible encounter with a stranger in a supermarket?

Some of those people have kids that grow up with their behaviour, and take the brunt of it for years and years.'

You seem baffled about how Mumsnet works. Posters can respond to any of the posts, not just the ones that are meant for them. And as for the 'two fingers to you', you sound like a stroppy teenager.

Apologies I've not been back to update, been a busy time here.

The day before the viewing, the estate agents phoned her to say the house was now sold. Thank God. Whoever moves into it will be getting a welcome to the area cake & wine from me!

She does seem to have gone off the idea of my location now; in every conversion I make sure to moan about something here, so I think that has helped - I also mentioned maybe this isn't the dream house/location and maybe I'll move, this was great advice too.

For the moment at least, she's staying where she is.

Thank you again for the support and validation.

To the posters thinking my mother is hard done by, I'm more than happy to put you in touch and you can be her new victim friend.

I’m glad to hear the immediate threat has passed. Very good idea about complaining to put her off the place. If you don’t want to cut her out completely it is perfectly acceptable in these circumstances to lie to to protect yourself.

@OpenThatWindow I just cannot believe you still want a relationship with a woman who you state is so bad!! you are under no obligation to keep her company or care for her.

@OpenThatWindow
To the posters thinking my mother is hard done by, I'm more than happy to put you in touch and you can be her new victim friend

😂😂😂 Yep some people have the privilege of never having a mother like ours. Great outcome, you can breathe now xx

Phew. You are well ready to head her off at the pass for any further shenanigans - crowd sourcing ideas is always a great idea and its understandable when you have been brought up by such a gaslighting narc that you need a sense check and youe feelings validated by normal people. Good for you. Put her on an info diet. Tell her zero about your life - or at least be v vague and make it sound v dull and dreary and she will then be attracted to the bright lights elsewhere.

Your mum really must have been a shitty mum . My DM is not alive and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and wish I could have a hug from her . I hope you keep your peace and that she stays away . I’m still baffled by how many Mumsnetters had the shittiest of mothers ?????

Are you genuinely baffled about why people with difficult parents are more likely to post on her for advice than people with fabulous and loving parents? OP's mum was a really shitty mum when she was a child and still is.