She's stealing my life!

[OpenThatWindow]

4 years ago I moved 100 miles away from my hometown to start a fresh chapter with my DH.

It's a semi rural location in a very small village.

I have worked hard to create a great life here! I've made lots of friends, do hobbies, just loving it. I've worked hard to become part of the community.

My mother has told me she's going to move here, as she is lonely.

She's 74, hardly the right time to move into a rural area she doesn't know! She said its fine, she'll just come with me when I go shopping etc. And she'll join my hobbies - including somewhere I volunteer!

My mum has no friends or life really, due to her personality. She's very judgemental and rude. So I'm terrified she'll upset people and that will reflect on me.

AIBU to feel she's stealing MY life!

At your mother’s age I wouldn’t move to a village, where there are few services and probably little public transport (which she will need eventually, even if she still drives now).
If your mum starts getting arthritis, which is very common as you age, all the lovely country activities like long walks will become more difficult. Even without arthritis, older people get tired more easily, and she will have limited options.
It’s harder to make friends in a small settled community, with fewer new arrivals than in a town.

Most importantly, if you move there to be near one person, they may have to move for work or other reasons. Then she will be very isolated.

She needs to be in a town with all the services, more for a retired person to do, and lots more people to mix with.

I had a lovely colleague who retired with her husband to their dream village. Sadly, he died within two years and her eyesight started failing. She had to move back into town.

I hope your mother sees the wisdom of not following you, OP.

I don't think she is trying to 'steal your life' @OpenThatWindow She just sounds lonely and bored and like she wants to live near her daughter.

However, YANBU to be pissed off/annoyed/worried about this. I wouldn't like it. I live 15-20 minutes drive from my adult DC (they live close to each other,) and it works well. I'd love it if they moved 15-20 minutes walk away tbh, but I wouldn't move to be in the same village as them!

Spell it out clearly and truthfully to your mother that you will not be including her in all your day to day activities and if she moves close to you, you will be researching services that she can tap into such as volunteer drivers, craft groups for women her age, social groups for older folk, house cleaners, garden servicies, church charities etc.
Tell her that, given she is moving to the country, she will have to be ready to go out and form friendships so to become a member of the community.
Also tell her that it will be great to visit her each week and to have her nearer so you can support each other sometimes at times of special need..

This is nightmare!

The time you spend worrying about this or “fighting” her plans could be used to try to help her to get set up with a social circle where she currently lives. You might contact a centre who could pick her up a couple of times a week to take her to join a group so that she can take part in activities. Many people have challenging personalities but they aren’t left to rot in isolation. Some people just need a little help with this sort of thing. Once she is set up you can get on with your lovely life.

Another thought: you could keep telling her that she wouldn’t like it here , for all the reasons you’ve given. And mention that everyone is very anti Trump or whatever else she would not like.

Her life is rubbish because of her personality, and yours is good because of yours.

I would NOT allow this to happen and I would move if I had to. My mother would just sabotage my own relationships and life because she is built that way. YANBU.

Obviously your mother's approach is crazy, but I have some sympathy for her decision to move closer. As parents age it really helps to have family close for the benefit of both sides of the family. I'm struggling with regular trips to stay with a parent who lives at the other end of the country! Could you persuade her to look at a nearby small town or something like that? I'm assuming you don't want to cut her out of your life completely, so it is worth thinking ahead and pointing out that this could be where she lives when she can't drive, needs visiting care etc. Set clear boundaries and point out you'd like her close for visits but you're not doing daily care or driving her everywhere when she's incapable. Also tell her straight up that you want to keep your friends to yourself and have a separate social life. It's not a weird thing to want!

She’s not stealing your life - she wants to slot into it. She can outsource everything to you - companionship, shopping, social life and probably some appointments and care too.
It won’t be easy op.
You can either tell her you don’t want that or if let her know if she does, it’s not going to be what she wants as you enjoy the connections you’ve made and it’ll change the dynamic to have her around.

Looking ahead, it will be much easier to look after her in her very old age if shes living closer. Not in the same village, but maybe the nearest big town where she can meet her own friends and get medical attention when needed.

OP, I think the main thing you need to do is let go of the idea that you can manage all this in a way that makes your mother happy.

Even leaving you out of the equation, it sounds as though her relationship with reality is distant. Moving to a 6 bed house in a rural location at 74 is batshit.

In the end, she will do what she wants to do, but so can you.

My mum has a very difficult personality and actually, I don’t intend on caring for her when she’s older. I will pay someone to do it if necessary. She would make my life miserable.

Why's that the OP's problem?

Also tell her that it will be great to visit her each week and to have her nearer so you can support each other sometimes at times of special need..

No, don't tell her that!

Oh god OP, I've been here. My DM isn't like yours, but we aren't close and our relationship has always been a bit difficult, and too much time with her has a really detrimental effect on me mentally.

When her H died a few years ago, she told me she was going to find a house in our street, give up driving, and rely on me and DH for everything. When I pointed out she had no-one she knows nearby, it's a place where getting around is difficult without a car, no walkable shops, very little in the way of 'community', would be difficult to make friends etc, her response was 'I'm not worried about any of that I'll have you'. I had to be very, very blunt, but tbh I'd much rather have fallen out with her forever than be in that situation. This was what I said:

1. You can move as close as you like, but I have a busy life with work, friends etc, you might see me say once a fortnight or so but this is not going to work out how you envisage, we won't be living in each others pockets, and there won't be any popping round for tea every night etc
2. DH is not going to become your taxi service, and mow your lawn, do your DIY etc, you will have to arrange all of that yourself; he's busy like me and there is enough to do keeping our own house maintained
3. You will struggle to make friends here; there's no church, no local activity groups for older people etc
4. I am not going to be your carer should you need it at any point; I will support you to get care in place, but please do not assume I will do it or factor that into any decision making (cue much surprise that I didn't fancy giving up my job to wipe her arse if it was ever needed)
5. We only plan to live here another few years, then we will move abroad, so you will eventually be on your own here too (this was only a very vague plan and hasn't yet come to fruition sadly!)

She threw her toys right out of the pram, lots of 'but I am your MOTHER, how can you be so HEARTLESS' etc etc, plenty of tears and sighing, but she decided to move elsewhere (closer to my sibling, unfortunately I know that's not a get out you have OP). She still regularly asks if DH and I could buy a house with an annex though so she could come and live with us, every time I just laugh and say 'absolutely no way'.

I feel for you OP, you're going to need to be very strong here to preserve your own sanity.

Don't fall for the guilt trips OP and don't feel sorry that she might be lonely.

It's well within her control to not be lonely. If she was nice to be people, kind and caring should would have a rich selection of friends and hobbies for socialising. Instead she opted to display rude and judgemental behaviour and understandably she now has no friends.

She's not a child if she wants friends and to not be lonely she can bloody well make the effort with people.

You really need to make that very clear to her.

Ideally, she’d be better ‘doing a tryout’, eg renting a place on her own with AirB&B for a month, and see how it goes.
With you putting boundaries in place. Nope, you’re working so no errants with her. Nope can’t take her to xyz, she has to drive. Yes you’re really busy just now etc….

Because I get she must feel more ‘fragile’ on her own, but puttimg herself in a position where she will be even more vulnerable agd dependent isn’t a good idea. Regardless of how hard work she is. And it sounds like she is the type of person who only learn from ‘natural consequences’ too.

Realistically, unless she cuts herself off from her mother completely, it will be difficult to avoid being involved in her care in some way.

Most of my friends have parents move closer to them as they get older. Your Mum sounds a difficult character, but having been through elderly parents getting increasingly frail and unwell, having them close by makes everything so much easier.
I’m shocked by the “ she will want help, don’t do it” type of responses, as everyone I know helps their elderly parents. Our Mums do everything for us when we are little, isn’t it normal to care for our parents as best we can when they get old ?
Op your Mum is maybe realising that she is getting older and that things will get more difficult. A few older people I know locally moved nearer to their dc at this age as it’s easier to go through a move in your mid 70s rather than waiting until you are in your 80s and a lot more frail. So maybe think about the longer term, trying to support your Mum from 100 miles away would be a lot harder than in the same village. Clearly you do need to set your limits, as it seems her inability to form friendships is the main problem ? Are there any groups locally she might join ? Does she like anything like gardening or music ?

You will probably be responsible for organising her care, albeit in a care home or nursing home, or in her own home.
You will get calls from her or from the staff looking after her when there is a crisis and it will be easier to sort out if you are closer.

This happened to my friend with a similar relationship and she also had no siblings.

Her mum moved to their village and similarly chose an entirely unsuitable house. It was as annoying and intrusive as they predicted but they tried to keep her as independent and at arms length as much as possible.

Then she got a terminal diagnosis which as much as that rocked their world and took up their time with caring responsibilities, meant they weren’t wasting it travelling back and forth up the motorway all the time. And when the time came, they inherited and were able to sort her estate out locally.

As annoying as it was, it ended up being to their benefit.

I can talk on the phone from anywhere.
I don’t think some people realise how difficult some people’s relationships with their parents can be. There would be nothing to be gained from me living closer to my mum.

That sounds like my mother.

Unable and unwilling to make any friends or have any hobbies throughout her life and instead relying on my for social interaction and expecting to remain a child forever at her beck and call and trying to control every aspect of my life...

I dealt with this by moving to a different country when I was 20! if not I would not have had a life of my own.

I completely understand that you are not close to her and don't want her negativity in your life.

I would be very clear with her that although there is nothing you can do from preventing her from moving you would not be available to provide any support or care to her. So she also needs to plan how she will manage her daily life.

Basically you have to be blunt and make it clear you have no wish to be her daily support and carer as she ages.

I would say a robust sitting down conversation with her is key.

Make a list of all the cons for her moving there that you've mentioned here. And then be very clear about how much help/support you'd be able to give. I can pick you up once a week to go shopping Mum but that's it. Then once a fortnight we can meet for Sunday lunch - or something like that.

And tell her that your hobbies are exactly that, YOUR hobbies. Does she know she upsets people with her rudeness? Is she aware of herself?

You'll either have to be honest and risk upsetting her (which she'd get over) and keep the lovely life you have created OR stay quiet, silently fume and risk her upsetting your whole life and your friends.

I know which one I'd choose OP.

It will be a lot easier if the mother can live somewhere where she can help herself, like a town.