Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

She’s not a good friend and it’s very unlikely she’ll ever change as people like this tend to only see their own needs and don’t consider others. I had a friend who was exactly the same. When we did go out she was ALWAYS late and it was usually for things like the theatre where we’d have to be there on time or we’d miss the start of the show. She finally bailed on my birthday after agreeing to come and I told her I was really fed up of her always bailing on me and being late and she just got defensive and told me that she was just “really bad at timekeeping”
and denied always flaking on me. I let the friendship go and was alot happier as it was just stressful never knowing if I was going to be let down or be f she’d be on time.

People like this are very difficult to navigate. The flaking is one thing...but her response to being confronted is quite another.
Her emotional manipulation tactics are low. She has responded with malice.
The rest of the group are feeble. It's very disappointing.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Oh, I would definitely post the message suggested now. Trust me, I've been here many times and always kept quiet to my own detriment.

Why are you confused. Misunderstandings can be damaging, even amongst friends.

In my circles people are concerned and worried if a parent becomes terminally ill.

My friend recognises this is tricky as she was at the dinner and knows it was me that messaged Flake, I think she’s trying to be supportive. Not everyone was there.

i hope it will just blow over, and the chat will move on. I won’t be rushing to host for a while, and when I do flake won’t be invited ( that might also cause problems so I need to think that through)

They are a little feeble yes, more out of kindness than weakness I like to think.

There’s a very good reason why she doesn’t have many friends left, she treats people like dirt and no-one deserves that day in day out. She won’t change so I wouldn’t bother trying to change her. She sounds like a narcissist as she only considers her own feelings. If I had arranged to meet a friend first then I would prioritise that over anything I might be offered or invited to afterwards. I only cancel if I have to I.E in the event of illness or something unavoidable that I have to prioritise like work or family but if I have to do that I will apologise profusely and try and reschedule.

Make sure to include that it isn’t the first time either - it has happened many times over the years. And also point out that you were dropped for a better offer, not her DF.

I’m not unsympathetic if someone has stuff going on and clearly you are not unsympathetic either - but what a conniving cow! Ugh.

@Fitasafiddle1 I'd start spreading your wings and not be so reliant on this group of people. Flake is a master manipulator and the others are falling for it. This is a crappy situation and I do wonder if Flake will work to get you left out of the group.

Sounds like someone I know and used to be part of a friendship group with.

Very much saw herself as a free spirit, fun, outgoing, bohemian, go-with-the-flow kind of person who is so popular as a result. After a while a fair few of us just stopped trying to arrange things with her as it was pointless. She would accept but invariably get a better offer in the meantime and saw no issue in actually using those words! "Sorry, wont make tomorrow after all, got a better offer haha!!"

She got upset when she realised that the invitations werent coming anymore. and when she was told that actually her being a "free spirit" impacted others by letting them down, often at the last minute, and it was pissing people off.

She was furious. She had convinced herself that her being as she was made her endearing and lovable and fun, not flaky, annoying and selfish. I dont know if she is still involved in that group, as they were all ex H's friends way way before me so he "got them in the divorce" and I dont really see them anymore. But I doubt she changed.

Ignore eyebulb @Fitasafiddle1 , she's goading you.
I told her to f off and she became 'oh goodness'. Pearl clutcher my arse. Troll more likely.
You are not to blame here. Your friend is not nice. Just walk away. I love the way I now feel when my flake is mentioned. I couldn't give a flying f*ck about her. My mutual friends will realise when they get burnt.

This sounds just like her, scarily so. Definitely boho floating free spirit that has never had a diary type of person.

Wonder if I am part of the group of friends she lost then! I live in a village too, with quite a few surrounding villages with overlapping social groups!

I've had friends like this. I just stopped asking them to do things. Bringing it up only causes issues.

One I've not spoken to for 6 years, even though she lives 2 minutes away, simply because I decided to leave contact and organising up to her. I'm the bad guy, of course, not her, who used to not turn up, we'd call she was cheerily off elsewhere.

Another would flake last minute, to the point I expected she'd drop out & have back up plans, even if she organised. Sometimes she 'just couldn't people today'. Or organise to meet for coffee, she was already there and had finished by the time I arrived & was ready to go off shopping! I just stopped bothering unless invited to their house for a bbq, which they loved hosting so never cancelled. She wasn't really interested unless it was something that she wanted to do, and child free. Both SAHP at the time, too, so plenty of time to do it! When she moved away she had the gall to say she was sad as would have loved to spend more time with me doing fun things. I was flabbergasted as I'd tried hard, just didn't want to watch Star Wars or do expensive lunches.

@Fitasafiddle1 i have read your updates OP and am still not sure why she is bailing on everyone. is her dad seriously ill in hospital or is that just someone surmising? what is her real excuse for all the occasions of bailing??

Yep. Some people dont want to do anything ever.
That's fine. I leave them in peace.
But of course they keep sending me messages claiming they want to do stuff.
I ignore those now.

Of course she has taken offense. She was called out on her behaviour. Right or wrong, many people feel attacked or embarrassed when being called out. When it was mentioned it the first time, it was clear that she was wasn’t up for a discussion at all.

I completely get that it would be ideal to have a level discussion, but not realistic for someone who shows little self-awareness or respect for your feelings. Also, when someone is feeling attacked, they often rally to get people on their side for support/protection. It sounds like she’s done exactly that.

I’m guessing that other members of the group can see how she is, but perhaps they don’t let it bother them and just accept her how she is.

I don’t think she has a leg to stand on, IMO. I’ve had a horrific 6-8 months that included major surgery, a cancer diagnosis, watching my mother die, and much more. I’d never stand up anyone, especially someone I’d call a friend unless I absolutely had to. Flake lacks integrity, and integrity is something clearly important to you (rightly so).

I had a friend like this, she bails at the last minute. The worst time was on my birthday, and she just didn't bother to even tell me she wasn't coming and left me hanging until the last minute. Thankfully I had a plan B and still did something. She's also offered to help with things then something comes up at the last minute. I've listened to her problems, I've supported her but in return I get nothing when my life is going to shit. All the while she cancels on me she can find time to see her new friends. I was a friend of convenience.

I wouldn't accept this kind of thing if I was dating so I don't accept this bollocks from a friend.

That is our set up too. It’s a small place and most people/other groups gave up on her years ago. It’s only our core village group that has stuck by flake. They tend to make excuses for her. She does live here, so I imagine most people overlook her behaviour to keep things ‘pleasant’.

Flake is usually a very open person, and I thought I could talk to her about this quite easily without any fuss. I really didn’t expect this reaction, and for her to start involving the entire group. We have in the past had heart to hearts about difficult topics.

The chat has gone quiet, so this is probably just going to pass. I am really disappointed in who she turned out to be, her lack of integrity and ability to talk through any issues. I am wary of her now. If her df is genuinely ill then she will have bigger things to worry about anyway.

Sadly for her, if it is true, things like her dad needing care/assistance will be a huge problem if she thinks she can flake.
I think it’s a disgusting thing to do to weaponise him.
Surely if her dad was that ill she would have told you before any of this occurred, especially if it’s a group chat with close friends?
When I found out my dad was terminally ill, I told my close friends straight away, and they did give me lots of support around plans.
This group don’t feel like friends at all. I think the way they have behaved is worse than then the flake.