Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

Mutual friend has posted that she took flake to a concert because her mental health is ‘in the toilet’ and she needed a lift, ( so that now makes sense) and that is shocked by the total lack of empathy shown to flake, and that she thought the group would be much more supportive of flake as she deals with this crisis.

I would post, 'I take it you were unaware that she and I had long standing dinner plans, which she dropped an hour before hand to go to a concert with you? Or that I was utterly unaware of her DF illness? It isn't possible to empathise if you are not informed of situations. Hardly shocking'.

Her response tells you all you need to know. A true friend would be apologetic and try and put things right.

I’m would say ‘ pity I didn’t know any of this as I would have gone to the concert too. I was not aware of any of this and just got stood up at the last minute so thank you for the explanation. That makes sense.

We have all been great friends for many years and I’m very sorry that flakes dad is unwell. I suppose none of us knows what is going on in anyone’s life, so I’m glad to know what is going on. I hope you enjoyed the concert.’

and then fuck them. Don’t let them off with making you into a villain. She is a cow and they are welcome to each other. Good riddance.

I would be disappointed in the whole group for being so easily manipulated rather than asking for your side, or even better, knowing it’s wise to stay out of other people’s business.

What was the “something important to tell her in person?” Positive or negative? It sounds like you have things going on too.

We are have stuff going on. It’s still rude to flake on dinner plans in such a blasé way an hour before she was due.

If the group can’t see that, fuck em.

No, mine eventually accused me of being unavailable to her, which was so much the opposite of the actual situation from my point of view that I got really cross and upset and she’s not really spoken to me since.

I think I had been unable to meet her once when she was free, because I was working, whereas she would routinely let me down with quite important things and just pretend the arrangement had never existed. She also used to regale me with stories of nights out with mutual acquaintances but never invited me along.

Incidentally, I stood by her through a tricky breakup, offered to be the buffer between her ex and her, and then after our row my OH was taken very ill, she knew, and she never once got in touch to see how he was or how I was coping. I feel that she wanted to be friends with me for as long as I provided company on her terms, help when she needed it, and no more. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!

A now ex-friend tried this on me years ago. She tried to tell me how awful I was for being annoyed at her flaking on my birthday because her mum was seriously ill. Well yes, she was, and if she’d taken a sudden turn for the worse and my friend had had to rush to the hospital, of course I’d have understood. But no - she was just claiming she was too upset to go out and I was terribly unfeeling for even thinking she could have. Except she’d forgotten she’d drunkenly tagged herself in a nightclub at 5am the night before. She was just fucking hung over, and decided to use her own mother’s illness to make ME the villain.

Call me a cynic, but I wouldn’t exactly be reaching for the smelling salts if her dad’s prognosis suddenly improves a few weeks/months down the line. For now though, I’d just post a very bland “I’m so sorry to hear about your dad” message in the group, with no elaboration on the argument. If anyone asks you directly about the argument, just say “Oh no, that was all before the news about her dad - she’d bailed on me to go to a gig. No one would do that if they’d just learned their father was terminally ill, would they? She must have found out afterwards. I’d have never been upset with anyone for cancelling over something like that!”

I saw it on social media but I love it, not sure who said it originally but obviously a very wise person 🤗.

Haven't been through the whole thread so apologies if this has been suggested already, but it sounds to me like flake is ND, which would explain a lot of the behaviour. It doesn't excuse it in any way, btw - but might help you understand that she is probably chaotic in all sorts of ways, and it's not in any way aimed particularly at you.

If she's a grown-arse adult, then it's long past time she took responsibility for her own shitty behaviour, regardless of personal circumstances.

I think you've explained yourself to the wider friendship group enough - you can keep doing that on a one-to-one basis as it arises, but just step back now and move on. No more explaining yourself and absolutely no grovelling.

Are you even sure that her DF is terminally ill?

Flake reminds me of my sister (diagnosed with NPD). She was a worldclass expert in reputation assasination and mental/emotional guerilla warfare, and she could precisely instrumentalise the compassion of others like it was a stiletto dagger. She often exaggerated things to garner sympathy eg our mother had psoriasis and I overheard her telling someone - who was pissed off with her - with a hushed grave voice that "Mum had been diagnosed with a serious skin lesion". Cue the person saying, "Oh I'm so sorry" and being unable to continue being pissed off with her.

It wouldn't surprise me that Flake's DF magically survives his diagnosis...

Oh please are you cancelling Carol? I might have been unclear but the woman picked off three ladies best friends. Jesus some people need to stop attacking other women. Please see my earlier post.

Mine wasn't like Flake but it was a queen bee situation. I didn't find the fall out with queen bee that hard - it was what it was and I didn't like her behaviour and she obviusly didn't think much of me.

I DID find the behaviour of the wider group really disturbing and upsetting. With women I considered to be strong, intelligent, compassionate people just standing back while was excluded, even from events that were NOT Queen Bee's events.

On MN, I think a lot of the posters who comment on threads like these are ALSO the sort of people who are likely to stand up and call out behaviours in real life. But the truth is that in real life, lots and lots of people just go along with the shit for an easy life.

@Eyebulb are you being rude or stupid. I have tried to help the OP, have you?

@Eyebulb obviously not one of the sisterhood so kindly fuck off.

Yes, you were right to be honest with her OP - and I wouldn't say that if you'd known about her father's illness, but the point is, you didn't. If you aren't equally honest with this group, flake's narrative will be accepted as the truth. Personally, I wouldn't allow this, but it's up to you what you do, or don't do.

It’s called the consequences of her actions. Leave her to learn them.

She’s no friend. She’s selfish. I’d have nothing more to do with her.

This is why ghosting happens as you can't find yourself targeted if you just quietly withdraw. You were more honourable and straightforward, but that doesn't work with flaky people. Incidentally, you said you had something to tell her in person. Did she know this? I'm afraid I am always a bit doubtful about sudden revelations about personal crises. Maybe her Dad is terminally ill. Maybe he isn't. My own father has been chronically ill for 30 years, with periods when it was remarkable that he saw the end of the month. That is much of my life. I've never been unreliable or whipped it out as an excuse for not fulfilling a commitment.

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My best friend was like this. It's so difficult when you've shared how much it hurts you. I cut contact about a year ago, I now only have healthy reliable friendships. Life is easier without the drama. I always enjoyed her company when we were together but realised I had spent more of our friendship hurt by her behaviour than I had anything else. Pull back and reflect would be my advice.

I have (had?) a flaky friend who drove me nuts. I just had to drop the rope in the end.

we are still in the same wider friendship group, but she rarely turns up to social things and basically just sends a couple of WhatsApp messages occasionally.

I felt better about it when i realised that she is like that with everyone. She seems happy socialising with her family and sometimes her DH’s friends. But I don’t think she has any close female friends.

I lost my temper with her years ago, and was also disappointed at her response which was to effectively gas light me and make out o was being needy and clingy because I expected her to tirn up to things we’d arranged.

the best thing to do is to focus on friends who are there for you. No need for any dramatic fall out. Just stop making an effort

@Eyebulb are you looking for a fight or have you been on the wine?
This thread isn't about you. Don't bother to answer because I think you are a stalker. Plenty of other threads if you are not going to help @Fitasafiddle1