Flaky friend - last straw AIBU??

[Fitasafiddle1]

I have a long standing friend that I like a lot. Over the years she has bailed out of virtually all invites from most of our friends, including me. Only managing a handful of times. Sometimes without telling them/ us and just not turning up. She can be very avoidant. I thought it might be social anxiety, but she does a hobby that requires a lot of socialising at times that she manages well.

This time however it was important as I had something to tell her in person, she bailed an hour before dinner and was so flippant and she said she was going to a gig in town and she’ll see me another time. Up to now I have been quite relaxed about her flakiness.

I sent a message to say I was finding it hard to have any meaningful friendship with her, as she keeps letting me down and now she is cross and upset with me?! She is giving me the silent treatment now. I feel like it is kind of gas lighting and a strange response. Wdyt?

I had exactly the same, OP, and I decided to just stop contacting her after the final straw - which was her just not showing up to something that was going to be just the 2 of us, leaving me alone in the city one evening, no warning.

I felt sad about it for a couple of months and missed her, but now 10 years on I honestly don’t think about her at all and this thread has actually reminded me how glad I am I don’t have to deal with that flakiness and uncertainty anymore!

This is a clever response.

This. Do this OP.

You are gooooooooooood at this!! 👏

Years of practice writing messages for my friends to send to shitty men 😂

MH, personal losses etc are reasons for flaky behaviour, but shouldn't be excuses. How is it that meeting OP wouldn't help flake but going to a concert would? Sounds like flake took the better offer. It also sounds like flake and the friend group view OP as less important. OP doesn't need to apologize because she's owed apologies from flake and friends for accusing her of being insensitive. Flake seems to control everyone using MH for the sympathy.

People have things going on.

I think not messaging anything to the group may now be sensible. She is not only a flake but gone down further in your estimation as not being a decent human

I am sorry that so many pp have had to deal with the same thing. It is horrible when it’s a friend you were/are close to. The davro thing seems quite common, suddenly it’s OUR fault they are flaky! Nothing to do with them.

Those asking do the wider group not recognise her behaviour? Yes they absolutely do, but everyone makes light of it. No one has ever said they were annoyed (they must have been over the years, but just didn’t say anything) so it’s almost been indulged. Then when flake finally comes to something it’s celebrated almost, that is my observation. Oh flake is here with us kind of thing, it must be a special night. Or flakes chair is empty as she hasn’t turned up and someone will either make a joke or say something with concern as where she is. I have to admit I have gone along with it in the past, as it seemed easier. Despite being irritated.

As time has gone by it has really started to annoy me, just the casual disregard. Like we are free options - I guess in some ways we are!

It’s a small village and no one wants to rock the boat I get that, but she is just getting a free pass to take advantage.

I have just put on the group chat ‘so sorry to hear about your father flake’ and left it there, as I don’t want to feed the drama. I have known these women long enough to hope they know I would never deliberately hurt flake.

I feel like she has been playing us all for fools though. She obviously knows exactly what she is doing.

OP I have made three new friends in the last five years. They are all lovely. Two from work one from MN. Decent women are the norm!

Just let her go. She is not a good friend.

What Flakey had going on was dinner plans with the OP. She then ditched these when she decided something else that was going on was better.

Years ago I had a friend like this. She would be 3/4s of an hour late for a meal. So, we ordered, we finished and she turned up. I left. I said 'Sorry, I've finished. Off to the cinema now. ' She did not like and said that I was unfair. Never had enough money to pay her share of a meal, I took exactly the amount I would spend in cash and paid for my share. She was left short. Again, not happy. Not my problem.

I had a friend like this. Well, similar. I really liked her and we had a great laugh together, we were quite close.
But she was also a huge flake, and it got to the point I would only make plans with her that I wasn't fussed about cancelling, stopped inviting her over for dinner (because I'd go to a lot of effort to prepare something and then she'd cancel last minute or just not turn up).
Her excuses always seemed really far fetched and wild, she had some mental health problems and I suspected sometimes she just needed to bail due to overwhelm - but when I asked her if this was the case she got pissed off with me for implying she was lying.
I think there's only so much you can tolerate. The final straw for me was 2 bails in a row, the first I had gone to continue work in a different base after work instead of going home, specifically so that I could get to hers for a decent time (she lived a while away from me, other work base was closer). She cancelled, so I'd wasted my evening for nothing. I called her up on her flakiness and after a bit of a spat, she offered to rearrange. She then forgot all about it and didn't show up.

I've not spoken to her since. Well, I actually never said anything, I think she apologised and I acknowledged it, she text now and again and I was nice back but just never committed to meeting her ever again and so the friendship fizzled out.
My life is actually better and less stressful without her.
My time is precious and people who take the piss with it, or don't value my time enough to at least have a proper excuse, aren't worth my time in the first place!

You've told her how you feel which is good as it's honest. You can't control how she feels/how she takes it. That's on her.

I haven’t told anyone in the group that I had messsged Flake, I don’t want to cause drama or division in the wider group. I had hoped she would acknowledge it isn’t great when she lets people down, and she would make more of an effort. I didn’t envisage her trying to turn the group against me/behaving like she is the victim etc up to now I thought she was a nice person!

I think she has taken offence actually, and gone on the defensive as she has lost other friends (not in this group) who wouldn’t tolerate her non shows with good grace, and stopped inviting her, and basically dropped her.

One friend (she was when flake didn’t turn up) has just to say don’t worry it will blow over?! And she could understand my frustration. It was a sweet message but neutral and supportive.

Do they know it’s her tho and someone in the group that upset the attention seeking flake?

I don’t think your intentions are very kind. I am okay thanks, I trust my friends, and although Flakes efforts to blame me for her shitty behaviour Is far from ideal, I am sure privately people will see this is her issue.