TW I am angry at my parents for letting me get into so many bad habits 😭

[ThisPearlOP]

title, I have no clue if this is an ok thought to have but I need to write this down also SRY because maybe vent ahead because I cannot stop thinking about it I am literally getting flash backs as me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends oh my god...I know this is where it happened and that I ruined my life!!! I wish someone would have told my younger self that you cannot just eat according to appetite and that you cannot act like this all day!!!

I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!

I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!

I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!

Also one time there was some event similar to halloween and I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!

WHY WHY did she not stop me of course I would have cried and whatever if she took my sweets away but now as adult I very seriously wish she would have been like no way you cannot eat 2 kilo of candy and I swear it was that much I remember just one part of the little mountain of sweets that I had on my carpet was a whole a 500g bag of schoko bons (a popular candy in Germany) and that is absurd I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening I could CRY just thinking about it!!!!

HOW HOW HOW did no one notice that this is so far away from what anyone would consider normal and that I would mess up my LIFE!!!

THE THING is though that my parents were both nice I had the freedom in the world I never got punished they were never mean they bought me everything I wanted so how can I be angry at the it makes no sense I am such a terrible kid when I you think about it!!! But then again I WISH I would have grown up in a way that might have been more restrictive but maybe I would be healthier now!!! 😭 How can I just forget that and move on or can anyone relate why I think this way now??? Believe me I am so ashamed of this already!!!!

I can understand where you’re coming from - you were a child and it wasn’t up to you to control your diet and lifestyle. I think all you can do, really, is aim to live differently as an adult and try to break those habits. It’s never too late.

I’m so sorry op but while yes they should have tried to get you to stop (although they might have, we don’t always have reliable memories of our childhood), you can’t blame them, at some stage you became an adult and now it’s up to you to deal with it.

Also remember when parents feed, they think you’re better off, I know even now when I look off at all my mum automatically asks am I eating, and when I put on weight and think I could do with losing some my mum automatically comments that I’m looking very good and healthy.

Thing is, when we recognise as an adult that our childhood contributed to how we are today. That's when we say no more and make changes. We're not totally helpless and held captive by the past.

your parents didn't sound up to scratch no. It's today that matters now though.

Well,your parents could've been really restrictive like mine were which didn't work either.

You're an adult now, you can change your habits ,there is absolutely no point blaming your upbringing .

Your parents were pretty crap, but maybe that's the way they were "parented" eg neglected and that was their normal. You will not repeat their errors I'm sure.

I get it. As a child I was beaten if I didn’t finish my plate of food. Whether it was a case of being full or not liking it, I’d be dragged from the chair and beaten repeatedly until I’d eaten it all. Took me till my mid 30’s to realise I didn’t have to finish my meal! And I could just have smaller portions. I was given the same sized dinners as the adults from a very young age.

its given me a lifetime of food/weight issues.

It sounds like you may have been suffering from an eating disorder. Which is sad and really hard to break away from.

But you're an adult now and are responsible for everything you eat and how much you move. Take each day at a time and try and maybe do some meditation exercises? Go for a walk? Join a hobby club or leisure centre?

Also maybe consider counselling to help your self esteem and deal with any childhood trauma you clearly still hold onto.

I wish you well. X

I understand your anger.

I don't think this is anything about your choices now - I'm sure you know that you can make changes etc now.

The anger is that you HAVE to make those choices, that effort, when your parents let you in for a very unhealthy set of habits.

I had a moment of mild rage recently when my dad suggested sugar on my son's fruit. My teeth are RIDDLED with cavities and I have two crowns, because my parents thought it was funny that their seven year old liked six sugars in her tea.

I can and have changed my habits, but I have a mouth full of metal as testament to the fact they just didn't try hard enough at something rather important.

yes THIS exactly like my mother would say I look good and proper and healthy while I personally find myself too chubby 😭it is so strange how different that image is from parent vs yourself oh my god

I hear you OP, I feel the same. I was very over weight as a child, makes me want to cry when I see photos of myself. My mum was a sahm and we were relatively well off, she went food shopping 2-3 times a week and the house was always full of food (sweets, crisps, biscuits, cakes, fizzy juice etc) although healthy food too and we ate proper home cooked meals every night. I was NEVER restricted to what/when I was allowed to eat with the result I ate constantly also watched a lot of tv, again was never restricted. I feel i should be grateful for having a fairly privileged up bringing but I can't help feeling a bit bitter that my parents made no effort to ensure I was a healthy weight and living a healthy lifestyle. I remember eating a large plate of lasagne for breakfast one day before school, why on earth did my mum not think this was wrong!
My mum and other siblings were/are normal weights (thin) and never seemed to have the food obsession I did

wow that sounds horrible!! Glad you are an adult now and not in that sitiation anymore I know how it is to have a terrible relationship with food and boidy imagine just because of childhood!!!

...my parents never hit me thankfully and with food it was the opposite it was me who wouldn't stop eating and they also didn't stop serving food or even just take a second to tell me that a whole casserole is not healthy just eat some fruit and veg instead!!! If I ever have kids I will make sure they learn about actual nutrition and not just eat whatever is tasty whenever, that is such a slippery slope!!

You’re an adult now. Accept responsibility for yourself.

Your parents made mistakes, every parent does. They probably believed they were doing it for the best (there was a school of thought that children will self regulate around food if left to it) and otherwise treated you well according to your post.

You’d be far better looking forward to what you can change than looking back to blame someone.

It's so difficult to know what's best as a parent. My own parents were very strict with food, we were allowed one small sweet on two specific days of the week, we had one slice of toast for breakfast, a sandwich with one slice of ham in it for lunch with a small packet of crisps, and then a few nuggets and a small pile of chips for dinner. No snacks. We were always hungry. As adults my sisters and I are all obese now because as soon as we had access/money for food we all went mad on it.

You are responsible for you no one else there is only so long a grown up can blame their parents for

I agree with you OP. It was neglect. it’s as simple as that.

People will be tempted to excuse it because most parents allow TV and sweets and maybe feel some degree of guilt over that. But your experience was extreme and inexcusable. Sadly, as a country we have a systemic issue with how much access to junk food and screen time we give children. Our children will grow to hate us for it, we all know better at this point than to allow it.

You can't change your childhood, but nothing stops you from changing now. It's no longer about your parents, it's about doing what you want. They can't be blame any longer.

I don't blame you for being angry.

And I disagree with those people who are saying, well, you're an adult now, no point in blaming your upbringing, it's up to you now.

Going from being overweight in childhood to being a healthy weight in adulthood is a mountain to climb. It's not like being a healthy 18 year old and then putting on some weight as you grow older so having to cut back a bit. It's totally different. It means you never have that healthy base line to fall back on. It's not only the ingrained habits and emotional response to food, but also physical factors like number of fat cells etc and other changes to your body if you're overweight as a child.

So you are an adult, it's up to you now, try your best and yes, you can change things. But don't beat yourself up if you have setbacks - due to your parents' neglect, the task you face is a lot harder than it would be for another adult who had healthy habits in childhood but has put on weight in adulthood.

This is interesting because my parents gave me countless sweets, chocolate and only fed me UPF growing up and yet I have always been slim and as a child was often underweight. So it's not all about environment/parents I would say. I wouldn't blame them for you eating so much!

EDIT: also I credit my healthy attitude to food to be BCEAUSE my parents didn't restrict anything, or tell me eating loads of "junk" food was bad. I have a good relationship with food as an adult because of it - a lot of people I know who grew up with parents who restricted their food have eating disorders as adults and are very overweight.

Do you over eat now? What is your current BMI?

How old are you OP?

That’s relevant because parenting ideas have changed rapidly. Some of the things my DM did, I find inconceivable but she thought she was doing the right thing at the time.

Also, were you incredibly obese as a child? Because if you really were eating the quantities you describe, you’d have been desperately overweight, not just a bit chubby.

Childhood memories are funny - we often remember things selectively. I’m not suggesting that your parents got it right but I suspect it might not have been consistently as bad as you recall.

I have food issues from childhood as we didn’t have much money. That meant sweets/cakes were a treat and given as a reward. My mum was also of the school of thinking that you had to clear your plate.

However, as an adult I can recognise those thoughts and choose to make my own decisions. I’m not saying it’s easy but we are responsible for our health. Maybe you could try hypnotherapy, it’s very good for eating-related problems.

Also, I don’t limit what my DC eat. I believe that limiting food and making some things special creates cravings. My two are both a very healthy weight (currently teens) and have always been a healthy weight. They don’t snack and are both happy to eat a quarter of a chocolate bar and then put it down if they don’t want any more. I would really struggle to do that! For some children, not imposing limits works really well.

If you’re thinking of having DC yourself at some point counselling might help. You sound as if you have a disordered attitude towards food and you don’t want to pass that on.

I hope this doesn’t read unkindly because that’s not my intention at all. I just think it’s incredibly powerful to realise that you are in control of your eating and you don’t need to be confined by choices your parents made.

You can make the changes now as an adult. Look into hypnotherapy or slimpod to change your behaviours around food

Actually they can. Their neglect will continue to have consequences into the OP's adult life.

It might be more accurate to say that the OP, as an adult, is in control and has agency to change things.

But a narrative which fails to acknowledge that the effects of childhood make things harder for the OP in adulthood is unlikely to be a helpful one.

Did you go to school, OP? Did you learn about healthy eating there?

OP - I can understand your frustration, but do have some empathy for your parents. We were the parents who didn't have much sugary stuff in the house, had sweets once a week and said no. Our kids were slim with a healthy lifestyle and habits. One of our DC is now overweight as they spent pocket money on crap food, which is blamed on us being restrictive. The food environment in the UK is so unhealthy, they felt deprived compared to others and are food-obsessed.

I understand where you’re coming from but at some point I think you should try and let go of your anger. Were you overweight as a child? Are you still overweight now and do you still have a problem relationship with food?

I know that since becoming a parent myself I look back at some of the things I did as a child and I just think WTF where my parents thinking?! So much TV, coco puffs and the likes every morning, sleepovers at a particularly problematic families house (I wasn’t abused there but was definitely exposed to a lot of very inappropriate stuff and tbh the parents were known to be very chaotic), playing out until very late at a very young age. Generally just 80s/90s style hands off parenting. But at the same time, they were loving, kind parents, who read to me every night, cuddled me to sleep, let me sleep in their beds when I was scared and despite their shortcomings were good parents. I’m still very very close to my parents and I see no point in bringing up their shortcomings, it would be cruel and they done the best with the information and resources they had at the time. I would try to think of the positive things they done and work on improving your life now. Nobody gets it 100% right all the time.