TW I am angry at my parents for letting me get into so many bad habits 😭

[ThisPearlOP]

title, I have no clue if this is an ok thought to have but I need to write this down also SRY because maybe vent ahead because I cannot stop thinking about it I am literally getting flash backs as me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends oh my god...I know this is where it happened and that I ruined my life!!! I wish someone would have told my younger self that you cannot just eat according to appetite and that you cannot act like this all day!!!

I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!

I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!

I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!

Also one time there was some event similar to halloween and I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!

WHY WHY did she not stop me of course I would have cried and whatever if she took my sweets away but now as adult I very seriously wish she would have been like no way you cannot eat 2 kilo of candy and I swear it was that much I remember just one part of the little mountain of sweets that I had on my carpet was a whole a 500g bag of schoko bons (a popular candy in Germany) and that is absurd I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening I could CRY just thinking about it!!!!

HOW HOW HOW did no one notice that this is so far away from what anyone would consider normal and that I would mess up my LIFE!!!

THE THING is though that my parents were both nice I had the freedom in the world I never got punished they were never mean they bought me everything I wanted so how can I be angry at the it makes no sense I am such a terrible kid when I you think about it!!! But then again I WISH I would have grown up in a way that might have been more restrictive but maybe I would be healthier now!!! 😭 How can I just forget that and move on or can anyone relate why I think this way now??? Believe me I am so ashamed of this already!!!!

OP, this could be an answer for you.
Symptoms of Prader-Willi syndrome.....
...excessive appetite and overeating... emotional outburst and physical aggression
Got it off the NHS website.

I am going to agree in part with this. Some of the people I know with anorexia or bulimia did have parents very controlled about food.

But I equally now a substantial number of incredibly unhealthy teenagers, overweight flabby or flaccid. Eat terrible food and do virtually nothing but game to their free time apart from maybe the odd game of football.

I would argue that they have a form of eating disorder, of overeating, or addiction to terrible food.

I think they are going to feel as angry as the op is towards their parents at some point.

There are people who are angry their parents restricted food as they feel this made them rebel and binge eat when they had the chance.
My parents didn't restrict my food intake, I also had a lot of freedom. I am a healthy weight now (was slightly overweight until I was 16) and I have never rage quitted a game.
I think you need to accept that you are who you are. We all have individual personalities which aren't fully shaped by how we are parented. That's why you can have siblings who are complete opposites.

Of course agree.

As I said, we had mostly normal meals at home but no restriction on so called 'unhealthy' food either but just didn't have them all the time.

My parents were very present and we were super close.

How old are you now OP? You know you can break this cycle of overeating.

My parents were relaxed with food. We didn't have a huge income so there wasn't loads in the house but I remember fruit, biscuits and crisps generally being available as snacks. Just because they were available though it didn't cause me to eat them all or to eat all the time.

We'd have breakfast, school lunch and dinner but again I didn't feel hungry enough to keep piling food on my plate.

It sounds like your appetite levels are out of sync with your body's needs. This needs to be looked at.

Book an appointment with your GP.
Plan a healthy week of meals.
Start some form of exercise that you can do for at least a couple of hours each week.

You're the only one who can fix this but you don't need to do it unsupported.

My Dad fed me sweets and chocolate like it was going out of fashion. Fell off my bike a grazed my knee? Straight to the shop for an ice cream and five bags of sweets.
The result? I hate sweet things now and have no interest in sugar, chocolate or puddings. So I think your connection is tenuous.

I sympathise. My mum took my brother and I to McDonald’s every week because it was cheap. She used to fill me up on cakes and cookies because she was worried I was so small. My dad told her not too - he was a doctor and he understood that the fat cells are laid down in your childhood and impact how easily you gain and lose weight later - but she didn’t listen. I loved chips and put on weight in my teens and 20s. My mum’s advice when I was 17 and reached size 12 was weight watchers (she offered to pay my membership), slimfast and the cabbage soup diet. It’s dire I had to learn to eat healthily on my own. I still crave chips and yellow processed foods today.

You were let down as a child, that was unquestionably bad parenting. I of course have no idea what was going on in your parents' lives that they just sat back and gave you no boundaries, they might have a good reason, they might not.

You can allow yourself this short indulgence to realise this was wrong, but you know you will have to all move on from this. No one can improve your life now except you, and you must realise that carrying on with the attitude "this is so unfair!" will be putting nothing to rights and only hurting yourself.

What do you want to change the most about yourself? Your overeating? The temper? You won't be able to change everything overnight, try picking the thing that is affecting your life the most, that one that will give you the most satisfaction to combat, and work on that. Set yourself a goal, with the help of a counsellor or similar professional, and work hard at it. Struggle and working hard seem to be things you have avoided for a lot of your life, they can be painful and difficult, but nothing rewarding is easy. It's time to learn that life lesson your parents didn't teach you. Good luck!

Thank you so much I needed to read this. I know I am responsible for myself now and I have been on a health journey for over a year at this point. Cutting back on processed food, learning proper portions etc took months and that is crazy, despite knowing better on paper!! I learned about simple things like high volume low cal whole foods instead of packaged stuff and ready meals when I was around 16-18 because I was not confident and started to look into weight loss but when your whole household is full of junk food temptations that is easier said than done. It was only when I moved out that I could seriously and consistently eat proper food.

I literally used to think there is either diet rabbit food or straight up cliche fast food and that is it. That people who are thin just "diet" all the time and eat nothing but celery sticks etc as you would see in TV shows and stuff. Yes I know it is ridiculous and that any food can be eaten in healthy amounts NOW and I cringe thinking back at my relationship with food, like I thought there is no fun and I'd have to eat raw radishes for the rest of my life to ever get in shape. Of course none of that is true and I can just eat balanced and within my means, and it loos llike I have to do that for YEARS just to become normal, and not constantly obsessed and worrying etc...

my parents are both still around, altough separated, and I have medium contact with them because I live in another city now but we are all on good terms and see each other regularly for stuff like easter, christmas or our birthdays.

However, I don't think I can just bring this stuff up and especially with my mom I am pretty sure she would be offended if I just say oh by the way I feel like I was not raised properly and that my life could be a lot better now I mean that sounds awful and I don't want to do this to her, even tough some of you call it neglect, she was ALWAYS nice to me I got everything that I wanted. On paper, that is good and when I was still in school I would even talk to others about how free I am and be like oh wow you have to be home at this time etc really I can just do whatever and my friends used to think this was cool, now I realize that they all had a lot more structure than I did and that is exactly what concerns me...

Op, I can relate. growing up my mother never set a good example diet and health wise, she’s still not great now! It’s easy for people to say well you’re an adult now and have your own choice, but it’s really not that easy. Habits are often made in childhood and hard to break. Like anything our childhood makes us who we are, no we cannot blame our childhood for shitty behaviour but we learn so much from our parents.

portions were massive, seconds were encouraged, often we skipped meals to eat crap, we had unhealthy food all the time, deep fat frier was used most days! Sweets and chocolate weren’t treats, they were daily things in our house which is the main thing I struggle with now.

nothing was made from scratch and I wasn’t taught basic cooking skills.

also, eating when feeling low was a thing so that made me into a comfort eater.

I remember going to to the dentist, my mum would ‘sugarcoat’ the situation and what we ate but it was all lies. After the dentist she’d treat us to sweet treats. Luckily my teeth were fine but all my siblings had multiple baby teeth removed whilst put to sleep.

I am not much help but you are not alone. I try and do better for my own dc.

OP I genuinely mean this kindly. On other threads you've talked about still having a binge eating disorder, eating vast amounts of food and never being full however much you eat. It's great that you want to take control of your diet and eat healthily but I think you might need some proper help to do it. This isn't a criticism of you at all.

And yes, I do think your parents failed you if they knew how much you were eating and made no attempt to moderate it.

My heart goes out to you. I have experienced somewhat similar style of upbringing and have had issues around food, body image and self confidence all my life. It is neglect to not notice that what your child is doing is so out of the normal range of behaviour. It is not as simple as you can now take charge 9f your life. Of course, in theory, you can! But food and emotions are closely linked. If children are allowed to self regulate what they eat from an early age and aren't force fed as infants, they usually learn to recognise when they are full and stop eating. Naturally. I know in my family infants are stuffed for parents to feel secure. So I learnt to override my natural full signals. It has taken me ages to re learn this. Hopefully you don't have some underlying disorder. It is a distinct possibility. Do find out. If you don't, then also some psychological help and support might be very useful. Please don't listen to those who say,"you are an adult now. Just get on with it." They don't understand! We often eat or drink or take drugs to suppress difficult emotions. These habits go on for generations in families. Everything looks Nice on the surface because emotions are too frightening to experience. Nothing is impossible once you realise and have the will to change, but it is a long and painful journey.

To be honest you sound volatile. Your parents probably didn’t want to rock the boat considering you were cutting things up, throwing things and raging regularly

You have to let go of the past.

The future is not yet written, and the only person who can change you is you.

I went through similar. I ate vast quantities (24 packet crisps, jar of honey, family sized cake, whole loaf of bread etc to suppress trauma. I often reflect and wonder why my parents never said no?! Just left me to eat that way. I would have preferred to talk rather than eat, vomit then eat again. It took years for a stranger from church to talk to me about it, i was 12. She explained how it wasn't healthy and taught me how to eat healthily and look at portion sizes. I was happy as someone was guiding me. I stuck to what she said, and it all melted off within a year. I cannot believe my parents didn't say or do anything! I have 2 teenage children now. I always monitor what they have, apart from the fruit bowl and yoghurts! If they sneak 2 bags of crisps and a chocolate bar, I tell them to " pick one and the rest goes back, although it tastes yummy, being over weight doesn't feel nice." I'm a responsible adult, it's my job to guide them. I'm sorry that you went through similar. If you've changed your ways, then you've done so well 👏

Grow up and take some responsibility for your own behaviour now and leave the past in the past.

If you investigate your DPs childhoods maybe by speaking to their siblings. There could easily be something odd about their childhoods. Very poor and always hungry? Cruel parent who spoiled the other children but not your parent? Something odd that made them behave in this way towards you -perhaps compensating for their own unhappy or difficult childhoid.

I’m sorry OP, I think it is ok to feel angry. They didn’t look after your health. Also like others have said, that time is gone now and you have to make your own habits.

Seems like your trying to shift blame, lots of people blame their parents and (unless you where say actively abused) its massively childish to as an adult use parents as a scapegoat for your own behaviors.

I agree its really not normal to eat that much, not just 'socially' but PHYSICALLY to be able to eat non stop all day without losing appetite or becoming sick so it would indicate something else going on.

I was the opposite and massively under weight as a child to the point of being hospitalized because they where scared I weighed so little. I never had an appetite and it was a medical issue. I would never blame my mam for the fact I didn't eat that standard amount, there was nothing she could do about it really.

Be honest you wouldn't have thanked them for 'starving' you and probably would have grown up to still overeat if it has medical basis and also tell everyone how they where neglectful and didn't feed you enough and left you hungry as a child.

My oldest is the opposite of me over 18st now, was perfectly skinny until 8 then started getting chubby quick by his teens was into obesity and it doesn't seem to change no matter what he eats.

I noticed at 8 he started gaining weight and (maybe its because I am skinny so any mention of weight seem to automatically offend others) any time I mentioned him gaining weight to anyone back then (family, teacher, Drs even) about changing the food he was eating etc... I was shot down as 'don't think like that', 'thats just how hes built', 'he'll grow out of it in his teens' and the dreaded 'don't put him on a diet, it will fat shame him he'll end up for an eating disorder' etc... everyone now admits hes will over weight but still acts like its a secret and he can't know anyone else has noticed.

It sounds as if your parents were out of their depth and ill equipped to manage your eating etc.
Yes they should have tried to get help and not just ignored it, but eating vast amounts of bread, raging, tearing up bed sheets, throwing games consoles etc. isn't typical of how a child would behave if left to their own devices.
I can understand why you feel that they weren't much help but directing anger at them now is a waste of energy. It would be better to see a doctor and give the full history, including your presentation as a child, to see if they can point you to the correct help.
We can't really suggest diagnoses to a stranger online without knowing the full picture but a few possibilities spring to mind.
It sounds as if your parents took the easiest line to avoid confrontation which was far from ideal but who knows how it would have gone if they had tried to put in restrictions.

All kids will do this if you allow them to game for hours when they lose. Going by the PS2 being quite old when op was young she probably isn't as old as most Mumsnet posters probably a similar age to me (early 20s) and I remember raging when I lost on my Nintendo Wii too. Some posters are really showing their age by not understanding this.

The parents were the parents and shouldn't of let her eat so much just because of her temper.

It just isn't so simple.

My parents did everything right in regards to food, they didn't overly restrict food nor did they give too much freedom, they cooked healthy food daily, grew their own veggies, and set good examples by being fit and slim themselves. I was breast fed until age 3. And guess what? I've always been overweight. One sibling is like me, the other has always been slim.

It's a comfortable place to sit in because it's familiar, shifting blame onto someone else for the choices we make. What happens when its passed down to the next generation. Do you then tell your kids to blame their grandparents for their unhealthy relationship with food?

Personal responsibility comes in at some point.

Perfectly normal to smash up your bedroom and rip up your sheets? No, that's not "perfectly normal" - certainly not in most households. I think you'll find the vast majority of mumsnetters have kids of all ages including teenagers. To say they don't understand what it's like for a child to lose at a computer game actually makes you sound rather like Kevin the Teenager (google it).