TW I am angry at my parents for letting me get into so many bad habits 😭

[ThisPearlOP]

title, I have no clue if this is an ok thought to have but I need to write this down also SRY because maybe vent ahead because I cannot stop thinking about it I am literally getting flash backs as me sitting on my carpet in my room eating one bowl after the other or something like what felt like a mountain of food or watching TV for what must have been 15 hours straight on the weekends oh my god...I know this is where it happened and that I ruined my life!!! I wish someone would have told my younger self that you cannot just eat according to appetite and that you cannot act like this all day!!!

I would eat entire packets of oats or a loaf of bread THE WHOLE THING like really the entire sleeve of toast and 2-3 packs of cheese and sausage and so on and then take another 2-4 sandwiches wich me for lunch and start eating them on the way to school etc so I would prob eat twice my TDEE in 1 hour after waking up...!!!

I remember out-eating several adults AS A KID. Multiple grown people. I would eat my meal, another serving or two, everyone's leftovers, and be like meh. what are we having next? That is completely ridiculous and insane and everyone cutesy ignored it or was laughing about how I have a big appetite and whatnot!!!!

I also watched TV non stop I was either at school or watching TV or playing nintendo DS and that WAS unhealthy i am sure because I would rage when I lost at games and stuff I remember having to fix it with tape because I smashed it up so bad when I got so aggressive during games I also had a ps2 that was already kinda old back then and I would throw the controllers I would yell and scream at everyone and I cannot believe I was like this I remember ripping my bed sheets and everything to shreds in a rage and that was 100% over some game no idea what!!!!

Also one time there was some event similar to halloween and I was gifted a whole bag worth of candy plus my shirt as bag so it was A LOT and I carried all of it towards my room and my mom yelled after me watch out you will get sick because she KNEW I was running off to go sit and EAT all of that at once!!!!

WHY WHY did she not stop me of course I would have cried and whatever if she took my sweets away but now as adult I very seriously wish she would have been like no way you cannot eat 2 kilo of candy and I swear it was that much I remember just one part of the little mountain of sweets that I had on my carpet was a whole a 500g bag of schoko bons (a popular candy in Germany) and that is absurd I must have eaten 10k calories as a kid on a random evening I could CRY just thinking about it!!!!

HOW HOW HOW did no one notice that this is so far away from what anyone would consider normal and that I would mess up my LIFE!!!

THE THING is though that my parents were both nice I had the freedom in the world I never got punished they were never mean they bought me everything I wanted so how can I be angry at the it makes no sense I am such a terrible kid when I you think about it!!! But then again I WISH I would have grown up in a way that might have been more restrictive but maybe I would be healthier now!!! 😭 How can I just forget that and move on or can anyone relate why I think this way now??? Believe me I am so ashamed of this already!!!!

OP, I’ve read at least one previous thread by you. You have issues with food that I’m not sure can be entirely laid at your parents’ door. Have you ever sought professional support?

Affection? There was none - only criticism, ridiculous expectations and a bit of cruelty, so that's easy.

As to the back, after xrays etc. a consultant actually told them it needed more investigation and most likely needed an operation, but they didn't take me back or get another opinion - it was private, not NHS, and there was no chasing. They knew it needed to be dealt with (scoliosis plus fused vertebrae, a shorter leg, frequent headaches, OK I won't go on) and chose not to. I had to beg to see someone after being told it was growing pains for years - probably from the age of around 6 to 13 when it was finally addressed. Only it wasn't.

I also had migraines repeatedly aged six and seven. I was given codeine and allowed to sleep them off. I never saw a doctor. Thankfully they passed, but I think you're getting the picture now.

I can see that you're trying to fish to see if what you are doing comes under the same bracket, but the very fact that you're doing this fishing probably means you're OK because you're worried about whether you're OK. I was left at home alone when sick from primary age apart from when I was delirious with flu - I'm sure you can appreciate the difference between what you're doing, which is a good dose of "stuff and nonsense" until it isn't, and actually ignoring things.

Otherwise, I really don't know why anyone would question another's post in this way, especially as you have missed the overall point entirely.

This is absolutely sickening to read, I hope you have nothing to do with them and I hope you have moved past that abuse.

OP it’s never too late to change, it will be difficult no doubt, but not impossible.

Wish you both the best.

I'm very sorry to hear all of this, it certainly sounds very neglectful.

Sorry but you sound like a drama queen who wants to pretend she had a bad childhood for attention. You were a difficult child and your parents were trying to keep you happy.

Agree with this 100%
I think some of the posters on this thread need to come back when they have parented teenagers when all bets are sometimes off.
Unfortunately that is the point when the penny drops that you can't control every single aspect of your child's life and they do not stay compliant forever.
No matter how many 'gentle boundaries' you have put in place.
Sometimes it's an achievement just to get through the day.
Note I say sometimes and some. I have no doubt there will be responses about how fabulous posters' teens are (thanks to their superior parenting no doubt) but it's not always the case.

I don’t think people can just ‘move on, get over it’ until they have expressed and accepted the sadness that comes from having been let down by your parents.
i don’t think your parents were just trying to make you happy because you were difficult. Most children don’t overeat to that extent because they’ve been taught to self regulate. If you can afford it I’d suggest understanding why you were eating so much at sick a young age and what food was doing for you.
of course you have a right to be angry that no one saw what was going on and stepped in. Thing is, when you are a child you need a parent to play a certain role. They didn’t do that for you.
and at some point you are going to have parent yourself and become the person who looks after you, Helps you etc.

But I didn't have a bad childhood!! Like seriously I said that at no point ever I even said I got every thing I wanted etc how is that pretending it was bad??? Also I know I am a terrible person or a glutton or have no discipline etc I KNOW and its been a struggle ever since even if it wasn't a bad home do you realize how it makes me cringe and ashamed how many times I probably misbehaved big time or had some aggressive outburst or binge etc and then it takes forever to realize and regret that!!!! Of course I take responsibility but it is not like I did this intentionally the MOMENT I learned about how unhealthy and disrespectful many of the regular stuff I was doing was I HATED myself for it believe me!!!

There was definitely a time where my screen time and my eating was out of control even for myself. Like, I didn't specifically know that this is bad as in that I over eat calories or get too obsessed with games and shows etc but I had some instinct that it was just somehow too much and I still have problems like this where I obsess over tiny stuff and lose my absolute shit before realizing it was nothing worth stressing over.

Always the same it can be eating it can be gaming it can be just arguing with peiople it always starts as being interested, then obsessed, then I have some rage or lose control over it and then I wonder wtf is wrong with me why would I even do this!!!!!

I remember at one point I was staying with friends and saw how they act around their parents and how they talk etc I noticed that no one was cursing it was never loud like problematic loud not playing loud but in a sense of stuff gets smashed and yelling over each other etc so Its not that I do not know better I very seriously do not want to be and act like this!!!!!!! It is like some kind of rage in the head and I wonder myself why I permanently urge like that 😭

Ignore the people who are trying to get a rise out of you, rather than trying to be helpful op. You don't need to explain yourself to them, they're a waste of your time since they can't even read your posts properly.

The crux of your issues seem to be to do with your self-regulation. The overeating and losing temper are the symptoms of this. Have you / are you getting help with this?

So, what are you doing about it? I’ll ask again, have you sought professional support?

You’re having uncontrollable rage, can’t eat fruit because your mind will shut down and you’ll binge 7,000 calories and are obsessing over things. What’s your plan to stop doing that?

Wrong thread. My apologies.

It isn’t helpful to call yourself a glutton and a terrible person in the same way that it isn’t helpful to direct too much anger at your parents. Deciding who’s to blame isn’t going to solve a problem. If left to their own devices a lot of children will eat sweets or live on chips but they will not eat whole slabs of cheese or full loaves of bread. If told No children might shout, slam doors, cry etc but they don’t usually rip up their bed sheets and break their belongings. There is either a physical or psychological explanation for this extreme binge eating and dysregulation. Instead of berating yourself or blaming your parents I would focus on getting a full medical and psychological assessment. Your parents should have saught help for you but that ship has sailed. Start now.

I'm diagnosed autistic,and I totally relate to what you are saying
My sons are diagnosed autistic and they behaved as a child as you described you did .
I was diagnosed age 50 ,it's brought me huge peace within myself.
I'm not saying you are autistic, obviously I'm not saying that.
I'm just saying I am ,I relate to what your saying and it might be worth having a read around autism in women to see if rings any bells for you xx

@ThisPearlOP Also I know I am a terrible person or a glutton or have no discipline etc

You are not a terrible person, and you are not "a glutton". I seriously think you probably have some sort of condition, perhaps physical, perhaps mental, and you should seek therapy for it. It's not normal for a child to binge like that even if left to their own devices. Your parents were neglectful - they should have seen your behaviour was not normal and tried to help you. But you need to do that for yourself now.

On the other hand you have people who were told when to stop or told how much to eat rather than listening to their natural body cues, and they may have orthorexia, binge eating disorder, bulemia or anorexia. It really is how we each individually react (subconsciously) to each situation. Put 100 people into the same conditions and they would all react differently.

I will caveat my last post by adding that you think you had a good childhood because you had everything you wanted - but actually having boundaries and dealing with being said No to at times is actually really healthy. Having everything bought that you ask for isn't really setting you up for the realities of adulthood. Id ask is that actually how your childhood was, or do you feel they were too permissive? If you really think back can you remember being told no, or persuaded away from wanting things?

I have been trying to change my daughter’s eatings habitable forever. She is now 17. From certains things she says , me saying or doing anything has had a negative impact on her. So now on the quiet, I try to not to have any sweets/ cakes / biscuits/ crisps at home but she can make her own desserts with ingredients I have home for other purposes eg nutella for occassion oancakes, cocoa powder, honey. I don’t think there is anything else I can do except to let her figure things out for herself

that is hard to say actually so when I say I got what I wanted I mean things like Lego sets, games, my own tv in my room and ipod touch (which was kinda desirable at the time) and stuff like that but it was always within our means like they couldn't buy me a car for example but that is really just money I am sure they would if they were rich or something.

I also never got punished and I also count that in getting what I want because I never got trouble even when I expected to because I knew people from my school and how their parents are and if they would break stuff around the house or just go rogue and eat whatever whenever they wouldn't have accepted it.

Pretty much everyone I know had to sit with the family and eat what they eat or at least a specific meal, and don't get me wrong I did eat with my parents but it was never a obvious dinner or something like everyone just sits on the sofa and you eat what is there throughout the day. So there is no start and stop you just eat and eat etc. and whenever I was at someone else's house they had to sit on the table or ask when they can leave stuff like that I found that unfathomable. And it might seem small but when I think back I was probably constantly eating like I had sticky Legos I had dirty fingers all the time, absolutely all the time either from ink (messed up fountain pens or raging at school) or melted choclates I had stashes of snacks in every corner under every cushion in the house jesus christ if I had a child and they did all this I woudl be speechless tbh. The dirty finger thing was an actual problem when I needed to get serious in school every paper I wrote on was smeared or somehow critized for "form" I was fucking 15years old (FIFTEEN!!!!) and had to tell myself and pay attention to just washing my god damn hands and finger nails!!!

It is the SIMPLEST stuff that just flew completely past me and that is the real cringe here, the fact that I learned these complete basics from watching others in my school and things like that.

This is why I am so full or regret and self-doubts, I just know that if someone would have taken me aside and went like this is how you conduct yourself these people and things deserve care and respect this is how you pursue health etc ALL OF THAT I wouldn't have been like this I swear. I am mortified when I imagine myself as a kid from third person view, like that is what you would call super nanny tv shows over it was that bad. And that part is on me, like they call that problem children because they act out so much and I do regret that a lot I wish I had known better back then.

Have you looked into the possibility that you might be neurodiverse, like ADHD for example? have you sought any help at all?

OK as a kid this wasn't your fault. But as an adult it's your responsibility.

Stop looking for reasons why you are the way you are because regardless of why only you can change it now

I was provided with free range access to sweets and crisps as a child whilst also being admonished as the fat one. I wasn’t fat, I was overweight, not massively but my self esteem was non existent and I grew up with a dreadful relationship with food.

I don’t hold my parents responsible though, they did their best and in calling me fat, they considered it just a joke. This was the 80’s so things were different. We don’t talk about it now. Even now though, my mum tries to feed me rubbish even though she knows I won’t eat it. Even though I’ve lost a lot of weight, my mum would never acknowledge it! There is an odd dynamic in our relationship I don’t fully understand but I don’t need validation from my parents anymore and I don’t see them that often so it’s fine.

I’ve been overweight most of my adult life, I’m 50 now and I feel like I am finally getting on top of good eating habits. I’ve lost 2st 7lb but whether I can keep it off is another matter!

We can make changes as adults, we can’t change the past!

Thank you!! I am glad that I keep much more to myself these days and I DO (try to) watch my calories now and I have a real schedule that I follow, I wouldn't insult or offend anyone intentionally etc. I am completely fine with the fact that I have to work on that, no one else can do it for me!!!

This here is really more to VENT and to feel much less alone and its true, some people here had awful experiences, some didn't and they all turned out different anyway as in that they had to step up and take care of their relationship with food, and it can be done obviously that was almost a relief to read...also because this is the stuff that I could never say to anyone in person let alone my parents

OP, I don’t think you answered my earlier question.

Given the enormous amounts you say you ate as a child, were you morbidly obese?

This isn’t a gotcha, but a genuine question.

Agree with this

@ThisPearlOP

whats your life like now as an adult , Op? @ThisPearlOP

work? Friendships? Are you in a relationship? Do you have children? Etc